Weekend Update

This past weekend was *hard* work. But for 36 hours I got to almost solely focus on something else and not think very much about infertility. It was a good way for me to end NIAW, honestly. We had to drive back to my hometown to move my grandmother from her independent living facility into an assisted living facility and downsize her belongings by about 90%. It went so much better than I thought it would.

But now I'm back to the real world and was greeted on Facebook with my super-fertile friend making her big u/s photo pregnancy announcement. I've mulled over taking a FB break off and on for a while. It is a *very* useful tool for keeping up with my friends and family and I would miss it. But it would also be nice to not get sucker-punched a few times a week by certain posts.

Dr. B's office has *still* not called me to confirm my surgery date. What is the effing hold-up?? Anyone who knows me IRL can tell you that I hate change, and this surgery (and putting TTC on hold again) definitely counts as a big change. But when I make a decision, like a *big* important, life altering decision, that means I'm ready to act on it NOW. So not hearing any progression from the office makes me rather unhappy. I've wasted over a year on useless drugs, let's do this thing already!

I checked the mail on my way home from work to find a most unwelcome envelope: a bill from the lab in California where I had blood drawn while on a business trip last month. Oh no. I had mildly worried about this at the time, not knowing anything about using my insurance out of state. But no one raised a red flag to me that it might not be covered, so I decided to play dumb with the whole thing and hope for the best. Did you know that an FSH, TSH, and estradiol blood draw costs $458?!?! What the hell, man? We do not have the money to pay for something like that. The invoice claimed that my insurance company denied coverage due to out of network use. So I pulled out my phone and insurance card and settled in for a long battle.

After terminal hold (with muzak from hell), I was patched in with "Leroy". "Leroy" is my NEW BEST FRIEND! He was *so* nice, *so* helpful, even cracked a joke or two (and not super lame ones either), and got me an answer to my question! He thinks the lab submitted the claim to my insurance company in California, when they should have sent it to...well, somewhere else. So he's getting them to send another copy of the claim to him and he'll get it processed and give me a call back. It. was. AWESOME. While on hold, I was seriously about to cry just thinking about how much it was going to suck having to argue with someone about my coverage. "Leroy" was the polar opposite of what I was imagining. So big, big kudos to my insurance company for hiring good, helpful people (and for letting them help their customers, rather than dicking me over).

All in all, I'm doing pretty good. The only way you would know that I am preparing myself for the worst is that I've started saying "if we have kids", instead of "when we have kids".

Another Brain Dump

I can't form my thoughts into a cohesive post today, so I'm gonna break out the bullet points.

*A friend asked me if I'm scared or nervous about my surgery. I told him in honesty, I am not afraid of the surgery - I am nervous about the anesthesia and I am scared about the outcome of the surgery.

* Dr. Google tells me the surgery results in 80% ovulation rate and 50% pregnancy rate. Unfortunately, this data is only from a sample of 1000 women and live birth rates were obviously less than than the 50% pregnancy rate, but not counted specifically. Super.

* If the surgery doesn't have the desired effect, I will find myself very quickly at the end of my pursuit for biological children. It doesn't make sense to me to pursue IVF (for which there is zero coverage) when we could move onto adoption (for which my employer does offer a cost assistance benefit). But then I look at myself in the mirror, at my curly hair and the familial hook of my nose, traits I will never pass on if we adopt. I think about how much I've wanted a child with M's beautiful blue eyes, and almost certainly curly hair from both of us...and I just want to cry.

* I watched the movie 50/50 last night. If you have not seen it yet, you really need to watch it. I suppose it is inappropriate to compare cancer and infertility, but seriously, so much of the main character's emotional journey was point for point what we all go through with infertility. It really touched me.

*I started reading Bridget Jones' Diary (yeah, I know I'm over 10 years behind the curve) and it perfectly clarified for me why I (and M) have been feeling so down lately (and I definitely didn't expect something so philosophically deep from a chick-lit book): Happiness doesn't come from love, money, or power, but from the pursuit of attainable goals. My mind is blown. I mean, I think I've been saying something *like* that for a while now, but this just put it together in plain English for me. We are bummed out because the goals we thought were attainable have proven to be much farther out of reach despite our best efforts.

 NIAW has been very cathartic for me. I've posted multiple article and blog links on FaceBook and many people have expressed their appreciation for educating them. I'm very grateful that I cancelled my cycle and chose to do surgery - because of the peace I have with my current trajectory, I have managed to keep bitterness and snarkiness out of my NIAW posts and therefore have avoided alienating people.

Don't Ignore...

Its National Infertility Awareness Week (pretty sure you were already aware...). The theme is "Don't Ignore".

Don't ignore your body. I feel so badly for women who wait (or have to wait) until they are 35+ to try to build their family. At that point, they already have age working against them, to say nothing of any underlying problems that impact fertility. I know its very feminist to take charge of your life and do things in the order *you* want to and not let that pesky biological clock influence you, but...well come on! You've got to at least be informed of what's at risk *before* you decide to put off TTC. Advocate for yourself. Question your doctors. If you don't have regular cycles, don't just pop birth control and forget it - find out WHY. Because the WHY might cause problems down the line and you want to know about that *now*.

Don't ignore the pain. You might be "out" as an infertile to everyone you know, or you might be in the closet from everyone but your spouse and doctor. Either way, don't ignore how you are feeling. Infertility sucks every damn day. Some days we put on a brave face and can laugh and smile about our trials. Other days a diaper commercial brings us to tears. Own your emotions, acknowledge them, they are *valid*. Thinking terrible thoughts about your uber-fertile friend? Feeling *really* guilty about that? Hey, me too. If we own up to these things and talk about them, whether IRL or in blog-land, then those thoughts can't control us, those emotions can't dictate our day. And don't allow anyone else to diminish your experiences or feelings! We should all take a stand against playing the Pain Olympics.

Don't ignore the impact of infertility on your life. It affects way more than just our ability to have children. It affects our relationships with, basically, *everyone*, especially our partners. It can draw people closer together, or tear them apart. It affects our family finances and financial decisions. New car or second IVF? It affects our physical and mental health, sometimes for the rest our lives. Those with diagnoses such as PCOS and endometriosis will almost definitely have other health problems throughout life.

These are our lives. This shit is for real! Being infertile doesn't have to define who you are, but only through education and understanding can we take control of our lives again. Ignoring the issue doesn't make it go away anymore than "just relax" will get us pregnant. If we don't advocate for ourselves, who will?

We have to make the world aware of our struggle because unlike them, we don't have the luxury of ignoring infertility, the sorority no one wants to belong to. Solidarity, sisters.

What is Infertility?
 NIAW

New Plan

So immediately after writing that post yesterday I called Dr. B's office. Had to leave a message of course, but thankfully the nurse called me back same day. They are totally fine with me cancelling this cycle and moving forward with the ovarian drilling surgery (seriously need to come up with a less terror inducing name for that...).

So, its not official yet, but I should be having surgery on May 10th and will hopefully be back to our regularly scheduled TTC by July - fingers crossed!

Unfortunately, that means that after only one medicated cycle, I'm back on another break. My third break since M and I started TTC. I'm starting to feel like I spend more time on a break than I do actively trying to get pregnant.

But, seriously, I'm very happy about my decision. It feels absolutely right and I'm convinced it will expedite our efforts. No more wasting time - we're getting down to business for real.

Drill, Baby, Drill

Everyone likes to start their morning by learning they are more broken than they thought and then spending the 30 minute drive to work crying - right?

An ultrasound this morning revealed my fears were well placed (and now I will never let go of my pessimism, as I have been proven right). I am not responding to the clomid. My ovaries made *dozens* of follicles, but no leaders. None bigger than 10 whatever-follicles-are-measured-in's; and that's not good for CD13.

Or should I say CD3? They're all arbitrary at this point anyway, because tonight I start taking 5 days of 150mg of clomid. I have a feeling the hot flashes will be of an intensity heretofore unknown, and that's saying something.

I kept it together in front of Dr. B, didn't freak out during the ultrasound, or the discussion of ovarian drilling. Smiled at the nurses, thanked the secretary for my receipt. Got all the way to the car and called my sister. And *then* I burst into tears. This is coming to soon on the heels of learning that one of my friends is a super-fertile and is pregnant *again*. This is too much heaped on top of all the shit I already feel bad about day after day. That trigger shot will sit in my refrigerator mocking me. Why does this have to be so GODDAMN HARD? I am fighting the hardest, most emotionally draining battle of my LIFE just to ovulate! To say nothing of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and going home with a living baby! My eggs might as well be kept at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, as inaccessible as they are.

I honestly don't even know why I agreed to move forward with this cycle. I don't want to do this. I don't want ten more days of unbearable hot flashes and sleepless nights. What's the point? *Maybe* they will get me to ovulate, but it won't get me pregnant. I have zero hope that I will get pregnant this cycle. So why am I putting myself through this torture? I should just move on to...

Laparoscopic surgery! Where are my Endometriosis sisters? You know what I'm talking about - holla!

Yeah, its not actually that fun or exciting.

When I started TTC, it never crossed my mind, in all my fears of what we would face with infertility, that I might have to have surgery. The doctors use clever language, calling me an "excellent candidate" for the ovarian drilling procedure. What they mean is, my body is broke as fuck and drugs just aren't going to cut it.

Knowing that, I feel like this cycle is a waste. I feel like the past year and 4 months, when I was supposedly "TTC", were a waste. A complete waste of time. Because I trust Dr. B, and even though he says he's willing to wait this cycle out, and try Femara if I want, I know that he thinks the surgery is my best bet and that I will ultimately have to do it whether sooner or later. So why not sooner?

....yeah, why not sooner? You know what, I wasn't thinking of this before I sat down to write, but I really want to cancel this cycle. If I continue on with it, then it will be late May by the time I find out I'm not pregnant (again) and I'll have to wait until after my friend's wedding to get the surgery. But if I scheduled it *now*, I should be able to have it done within the next month and I can get back to (haha, let's be honest - *start*) TTC that much quicker. Man, that's a great idea! Thank you, blog!

Outreach

This image totally belongs to Resolve.org, not me

This coming Sunday starts National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). I have been waiting for this week since I first learned about it last Fall. As I said in my last post, I feel very protective of our community and am looking forward to sharing information and making people aware of us and our struggles. "Don't ignore this week!" the Resolve.org website says - and I will not. The theme this year is "Don't ignore infertility", and with 1 in 8 couples facing some form of infertility, no one can afford to ignore it! Whether people know it or not, someone in their life is dealing with infertility. Awareness can help make life a tiny bit easier for those of us fighting the good fight.

I've bookmarked several websites with ideas for outreach on Facebook. I want to post at least 1, if not more, NIAW related item every day. I'm saving the photo project entries at The Ladies in Waiting Book Club to share. I got a great idea from fellow blogger KrunchyK, at returntogobaby.com, to make friendship bracelets out of embroidery floss in Infertility Awareness Red (technically pomegranite, #814) - I want to make one for my sister, my mom, and myself to wear all next week. At church on Sunday, I'll put a special prayer request in for all people battling infertility. Hopefully I'll think of a few more ideas before next week. I might make some NIAW related blog posts (kind of feels like preaching to the choir, since anyone already reading here is *aware* of infertility, but maybe I can encourage others to speak out).

So what are you doing to observe National Infertility Awareness Week? Any creative ideas on how to inform the public about the truths of Infertility? Do you have concerns about speaking out - such as fear of judgement, retribution, or just ignorant people totally misunderstanding? Also, no judgement here if anyone is not actively participating in NIAW - I completely understand that there are situations that can be made worse by speaking out, and that is a damn shame.

Hard Questions

I've learned of two pregnancies today. One from a Fertile, one from an Infertile. I'm proud of myself for reacting coolly to both, but still so disappointed in myself and my situation. I think bitter thoughts, I compose Face Book status updates that I would never post, I quietly lick my wounds while simultaneously beating myself up.

My fertile friend was very nice about telling me of her pregnancy. Much better than with her first pregnancy. Oh yes, this is her second child. Her first born is 7 months old. She conceived again when he wasn't even 6 months old. Yep, she's breastfeeding too, which I always heard was a natural fertility suppressor, though not 100% *obviously*.

See, I feel so guilty for that whole paragraph. I'm not spewing vitriol or swearing up a storm - I am handling this on the outside in a rather zen fashion. But that paragraph only scratches the tip of the iceberg of rotten thoughts that run unbidden through my mind. When I first read her announcement, my knee jerk reaction was: "Jeez, *already*? Save some babies for the rest of us, huh?" And I immediately felt ashamed and stupid. She could have a litter of children and it wouldn't impact my chances of getting pregnant the tiniest bit. So why do I have these thoughts?

She's a fabulous mother, she was practically born prepared to handle children. Its not like she's the crack whore down the street having her fifth welfare baby. I think, belonging to this community, though, I don't just feel things for myself, I feel them on behalf of IFs everywhere. I feel protective of everyone I know (and those I don't know) who is battling this same war with me. Yes, my fertile friend is a wonderful mother and strongly feels the call to be a parent, but what about us? What about all the strong, intelligent, awesome women I know, who feel the call to be a mother in their *bones*, and can't seem to get their take-home baby? Why is my fertile friend allowed to realize her dreams while others aren't?

I believe that everyone in life has their own cross to bear. Just because you don't know what another person's burden is, doesn't mean its not there. Clearly we have all been given the cross of infertility, but I imagine you all have other burdens, much like I do, that seem to heap up on top of the already painful and emotional struggle with IF. So when my beautiful friend, with the wonderful husband who has a *fabulous* and very well paying job, conceives her second child in just over a year from the conception of the first child, I am left wondering what cross she's bearing. And then I judge myself harshly for thinking that, for wondering whether the baby will be healthy, will someone get sick, will her husband die - what cross is she or will she bear that will somehow make me feel like good and ill were meted out equally to us both???

And then I judge myself some more because it sounds like I *want* bad things to happen to her. Which I definitely do not, she is my friend after all. Life isn't fair, so maybe she will have a fabulous, easy life, while I deal with IF, money issues, and all the many and varied increased risks for serious health problems throughout my life that are just part and parcel with PCOS. And if that's the case, I have to learn how to deal with it. Because thinking mean thoughts and hating Fertiles isn't going to change anything (I don't *hate* Fertiles, but you see what I mean). And it doesn't make me feel better, it makes things worse because then I feel guilty.

Some people contract deadly forms of cancer and somehow remain serene about their lot. They don't bitterly remind people they are dying all the time, they allow others to simply be. And then, some people contract the same cancer and become bitter towards everyone and everything, and I don't blame them. But how does one become the serene person, accepting their fate and not the bitter person that everyone pities, but also avoids. And don't those cancer patients have it way worse than me, so what the hell am I complaining about? I think this is why Mel says no one wins when you play the Pain Olympics...

Am I too hard on myself? I'm just trying not to become some horrible, demoralized, bitter, rotten human being that nobody wants to be around. Its bad enough that I basically *am* that person one day every month, when I get my negative pregnancy test.

There's not much to distract me from my dissatisfaction right now. With no money, no job prospects for M, and a lack of hope for baby making, there's just lots and lots of time to think about how badly I want to move forward in life. Just a small breeze in the sails is all I'm asking for, a *tiny* bit of forward momentum so that I can get my energy and my purpose back. Because what am I working towards day after day if the budget keeps increasing and our income stays the same? And though the newspaper claims our state is in need of college educated workers, no one calls M for an interview? And with no children or money, why even hope for a house someday? Does my Fertile friend have the right dream and I have the wrong one?  

I feel adrift on the sea of life and when I look up for guidance, there's no clear answer.

Musings

I laid in bed last night, thinking about how detached I feel about this cycle. If I didn't keep my clomid on my bedside table, I doubt I'd remember to take it. I still haven't ordered my Ovidrel shot and I need it by Friday.

This weekend I co-hosted a bridal shower. It went very well and it was fun, but by the time I got everything cleaned up and back home I was *exhausted*. I seriously did very little else for the rest of the weekend. Sometimes, in my laziness, I think to myself "afternoons like this aren't possible once you have a baby. Or at least, that's what everyone makes you think."

I laid in bed last night and really thought about everything. Mentally, I'm ready for a baby, but it feels like everything else in my life is *not* ready. Financially and property-wise, we are not ready for a baby. And I am of the opinion that there is never a "good" time to have kids, there's always something else you could try to perfect: your career, your financial stability, your health, your home - you just have to take the plunge anyway because nothing in life is perfect or perfectly timed. But I can accept that its probably a good thing I haven't gotten pregnant yet because then M would feel even more pressure to find a job (and really, what more can he do??) and we would have a million things to worry about.

I think what bothers me is the passage of time and the fact that I always wanted to be a young-ish mother. My mom was 27 when I was born, and I am the baby of the family. I think I clung to that number without realizing it. 27 is a great age to be a mom. I have wonderful memories of my mom playing with me, teaching me things, and as I grew up, she never seemed *old* to me. My mom is 55 and people still comment on how she seems so young to be a grandmother. I like that no one mistook my parents for my *grandparents* at any of my graduations. So I guess I have this *thing* about young-ish parenting. I don't mean to say I judge women for becoming mothers in their 30's and 40's because I don't at all! I just had hoped I would have a parenting experience much like my mom has had with me.

This might not make sense to anyone but me, but I'm not really that upset that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm more scared about what that means for the future and what I had built in my mind as far as my parenting expectations. When I finally have a baby, will I have enough energy to chase after them day after day? Will I be young enough to fit in with other moms? Will my child's friends mistake me for an elderly relative because I'm not the "typical" mom age?

Do these sound like petty, superficial concerns? I probably shouldn't be considering them at all, I feel like I don't have the luxury to entertain these silly little concerns. Just worry about having a living baby and forget the rest. But its all the rest that I'm really hung up on. I don't know, I don't think I'm expressing myself well today, but I had to get these thoughts out. I talked to God and said "I understand that you only want what is best for me, and clearly that has not meant children up til now. Its just hard to let go of the way I had hoped my life would be. I don't really know what I hope for anymore."

Yes I do, a job for M.

All Quiet

I keep meaning to write, but then I don't. I don't know that my heart is in this cycle. I feel myself going through the motions, just barely. My CD3 ultrasound was so early in the morning that I wasn't even awake enough to ask the questions I needed to. I had to track down what pharmacy had my clomid scrip because I didn't realize there were refills on it (Dr. P never gave me refills). I still haven't called to order my ovidrel refill.

I've been so tired this week and poor M is having the worst luck lately. Today alone he's gotten 2 rejection letters, found out there are over 100 applicants for a job he *really* wants (the one at my university), got scheduled for a one-day class on the Saturday we were supposed to celebrate his birthday with a bonfire, and left his keys at home. And I can't spend the evening pampering and babying him as I'd like because I had already scheduled to to do two big errands with my sister that she can't do alone.

So, not really a good time in the house of Curly Sue right now... Things feel rather...desolate and kind of hopeless. Not in a melodramatic way, but more in a dull, colorless way. Maybe stagnation is taking its toll. We're working towards our goals, but they don't seem any closer despite our efforts and the passage of time. I still can't get pregnant, M still can't find a job, therefore we can't afford to move forward with anything else in our lives.

I really hope we can shake ourselves out of this funk soon. I don't *like* feeling down and gloomy and I especially don't like it when M is sad. He can make me laugh even on my darkest days, but I can't seem to repay the favor. When he's in a mood, nothing makes it better. Nothing I know of, anyway. And then I feel bad that I can't make him happy again. See how this is a self-perpetuating cycle of gloom we have going on??

I will try my damnedest to find something happy to post about, I swear!

Return to Go

But where's my $200? Lousy life not being anything like Monopoly!

Well, Easter has come and gone and with it my very brief, but intense, AF. I especially enjoyed sitting through sunrise service at church enduring *incredibly* painful cramps without pain meds because I hadn't eaten anything yet and 800mg of ibuprofen will bore a hole in my empty stomach. Thank God for drugs and alcohol (not at the same time, of course).

So we're back to square one and only have a $335 lighter bank account to show for our efforts. I'm really not as upset as I might sound. Just a little bitter I guess. It happens. Thursday was really my only *bad* day.

At least my sister's pregnancy continues on course. Three doctors now have referred to it as "textbook". This is very comforting to J. She has been graduated from the RE's office and released to her OB who will keep scanning her every two weeks if she wants (oh yes, she wants). This all provides me a great amount of comfort. God willing, there *will* be a new family member this year, even if my body can't get it together.

I need to call Dr. B's office and find out what to do. Do we just order more meds and wait for CD13 to do an ultrasound? I have no idea. I'm so busy this month, I hope it flies by and I'm in the 2ww again before I know it. Should I be at all concerned that AF was so short? I had spotting starting last Wednesday, but Sunday was really the only day of full flow. Today has tapered off considerably and I'm back to what I would call heavy spotting. I would say this is out of the norm for me, but "normal" is just what I experienced on BCPs, so I guess that's pretty useless info now...

Pity Party, Table for One?

At least I was prepared for it. Resisted my bladder complaining at me at 5 AM and stayed in bed until 6:45. Glass of wine at the ready, I tested. Oh, did I forget to tell you guys I started spotting yesterday? Yeah...so I decided to test today and get it over with since I already knew the outcome. Nothing starts your day right quite like a negative pregnancy test and a drink.

Thankfully I have this wonderful community which helps me keep perspective. I know of situations far worse than mine, more confusing, more frustrating, and more heartbreaking. So I can't be too upset I guess. Just have to nurse my wounds and avoid human contact for the day.

I'm afraid Dr. B will keep pushing ovarian drilling even though I ovulated. I was open to surgery as an option if I failed to respond to the trigger, but now that I know it works, why would I want to a.) go under the knife for the first time in my life and, b.) take *another* TTC break of 2-3 months?

I'm anticipating AF on either Sunday or Monday, so hopefully we can get things moving for the next cycle quickly. And here's what I get to panic about this time: I ovulated one time on 100mg of clomid, but the very next month, the same dosage did nothing. So just because 100mg clomid and a trigger shot worked *this* time, won't keep me from pessimistically believing that its not going to work next time. Life is just *ducky* in my head right now.

Better Luck Next Time

I will not kill anyone today. And I will not cry at my desk. Because I am in control. I am in control! My hormones are not in control. The PCOS is not in control. ::deep breath::

I don't feel a whole lot better. I assumed that I was in such a pissy mood yesterday afternoon because I was stressing about Dr. B's office not calling me. I assumed I was still pissy after they called because it was rather annoying that they waited until the very end of the day. Also because someone I work with is inadvertently driving me CRAZY with how high maintenance he is. But this morning, everything is aggravating me. I went to my weight lifting class, happy to expend all my angry energy on the different machines.

I didn't feel a whole lot better. I just felt like crying instead of wringing someone's neck. I know this is hormonal, I know this isn't really how I feel. But I'm so, so sad and angry because this is how I get before AF rears her ugly head. And my boobs aren't sore anymore. At all.

I lost, the PCOS won. I even saw my one dark chin hair trying to grow back yesterday. ::sarcastically:: Thank you testosterone! Not only do you make it impossible for me to get pregnant, but you're also trying to turn me into Danny DeVito! Gosh, you're talented!

I know that women with PCOS have good odds of eventually getting and staying pregnant. Most of the PCOS blogs on Mel's Blogroll have become parenting after infertility. That should make me happy. But for some reason, I just can't believe it will happen for me. I can see myself living childless. Not happy, exactly, but not really *unhappy* either. I've lived a fulfilling life without children up to this point, I guess. I could keep doing that with only occasional bouts of depression.

I'm not saying I'm giving up, I'm just....not in a good place in my head thanks to all these rotten hormones. I don't even want to test Friday. But if I don't, I can't drink until AF shows and how will I get through Easter dinner without alcohol? (since I'm not expecting the Witch until Monday). I was hoping that promising myself alcohol if this didn't work would soften the blow. But then, I also thought I could protect myself from getting my hopes up too much. I never assumed I *was* pregnant, but it was nice to not have any proof to the contrary.

Well, there went any positive thinking

I was holding off on posting today because I was expecting a phone call from Dr. B's office with the results from my 7DPO progesterone test. Well, its now 4:20, their office closes in 10 minutes and when I tried calling a few minutes ago I got the nurse line voicemail. I hate having blood drawn on a Friday. I always end up waiting an eternity for the results. The woman at the lab even offered to enter my order as "same day results" since I showed up so early. She seemed sympathetic about the fact it was Friday. I knew I still wouldn't hear from Dr. B's office that day because the docs leave early on Fridays. But I certainly expected to hear something today!

I'm honestly ready to cry over this. Am I really as fragile as that? I have no reason to think this hasn't happened, but I HAVE to know that number! My body has dicked me over one too many times for me to trust it entirely. I have no symptoms anymore except for nipple tenderness (which I don't even notice unless I get goosebumps). It didn't work, I just know it didn't work...

I hate this.

UPDATE: Oh for heaven's sake! They just called me. Nice of them to wait until the dead last second (and only after I left a voice mail). At least it was good news: progesterone was 19.5 whatever-increment-they-measure-in. Clearly consistent with ovulation. And now I'll just slink away since I am obviously a crazy woman.

Random Thoughts During the 2WW

I test in six days. Looking at the short end of the 2WW isn't easy. I've had some promising symptoms, for example: Thursday and Friday last week it felt like there were knives in my boobs that were attempting to *stab* their way out. Never felt that before. And that was in addition to my tender nipples (which is common for me during the 2ww).

But no matter what, I have to keep telling myself that this didn't work. Because that passive hope I mentioned before? Its taken hold of the back of my mind.

I keep dreaming about babies. I dreamed my sister gave birth and it was a girl. I was holding it and I was so happy! I can only hope that it was a premonition of a time to come. Then last night I dreamed I had a baby (not sure if it was mine or I was babysitting or something), again, a girl - I was sitting up in bed holding it and trying to take its temperature.

Which reminds me: my temperature has been the same 3 days in a row, I wonder if the battery is wearing out in my thermometer...

I was sitting in church this morning and my mind started to wander. I began thinking to myself, "I wish I could stay like this forever. Vaguely hopeful that I am pregnant, with absolutely no proof to the contrary." It will all come crashing down on Easter weekend ::sigh:: Oh well. There's always next cycle.