April 03, 2012
Better Luck Next Time
I don't feel a whole lot better. I assumed that I was in such a pissy mood yesterday afternoon because I was stressing about Dr. B's office not calling me. I assumed I was still pissy after they called because it was rather annoying that they waited until the very end of the day. Also because someone I work with is inadvertently driving me CRAZY with how high maintenance he is. But this morning, everything is aggravating me. I went to my weight lifting class, happy to expend all my angry energy on the different machines.
I didn't feel a whole lot better. I just felt like crying instead of wringing someone's neck. I know this is hormonal, I know this isn't really how I feel. But I'm so, so sad and angry because this is how I get before AF rears her ugly head. And my boobs aren't sore anymore. At all.
I lost, the PCOS won. I even saw my one dark chin hair trying to grow back yesterday. ::sarcastically:: Thank you testosterone! Not only do you make it impossible for me to get pregnant, but you're also trying to turn me into Danny DeVito! Gosh, you're talented!
I know that women with PCOS have good odds of eventually getting and staying pregnant. Most of the PCOS blogs on Mel's Blogroll have become parenting after infertility. That should make me happy. But for some reason, I just can't believe it will happen for me. I can see myself living childless. Not happy, exactly, but not really *unhappy* either. I've lived a fulfilling life without children up to this point, I guess. I could keep doing that with only occasional bouts of depression.
I'm not saying I'm giving up, I'm just....not in a good place in my head thanks to all these rotten hormones. I don't even want to test Friday. But if I don't, I can't drink until AF shows and how will I get through Easter dinner without alcohol? (since I'm not expecting the Witch until Monday). I was hoping that promising myself alcohol if this didn't work would soften the blow. But then, I also thought I could protect myself from getting my hopes up too much. I never assumed I *was* pregnant, but it was nice to not have any proof to the contrary.