tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-36815103628550176532023-11-16T01:21:22.249-05:00Barrenness in a Fertile LandI am an infertile woman in a fertile world. The failures get to you after a while, that's what blogging is for.Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.comBlogger207125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-8363229755523951922016-10-17T14:37:00.000-04:002016-10-17T14:37:15.533-04:00On the Other SideI think some radio silence can be forgiven after something as upending as sudden parenting happens.
A has been home for about 3 and half months now. I went back to work in September. We're fairly settled into our new routine. Sometimes, in the rush of the day, of just trying to exist and do it *on time*, I worry I am not taking the necessary time to stop and appreciate the gift from God that is Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-12562202312904660732016-07-29T12:32:00.000-04:002016-10-17T13:44:36.518-04:00Chosen"All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here suddenly I see
Standing here it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be
And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-7519319581236140162016-05-04T15:36:00.000-04:002016-05-04T15:36:42.707-04:00The line is moving!You know when you're in line for a roller coaster or something, and there are periods where you stand and stand and stand and the line doesn't budge an inch. Then all of a sudden, there's movement and everybody shuffles along moving several places up all at once! And its exciting, there's activity, visible progress! That is how I feel whenever I check our agency's "waiting families" page and see Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-62081751943870647432016-04-08T20:47:00.002-04:002016-04-08T20:47:36.947-04:00Weighing in the BalanceIt is a strange and terrifying thing to get a phone call from your adoption agency - "There's a mother, there's a baby, and there are things you need to know."
No adoption situation is perfect. There's a reason a mother would consider placing her child with other people to be raised. One can't expect that the pre-natal experience will be perfect or will be exactly as you would handle it. And yetCurly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-86397606343974034002016-01-04T16:34:00.000-05:002016-01-04T16:34:18.583-05:00Journey's EndFive years ago this month, I threw out my birth control pills as M and I actively began trying to expand our family...
Five years ago.
I can't even.
One part of my brain tells me that five years is not a long time. Another part of brain my brain tells me that the person who threw out those pills is not the same person who is typing these words. She has become like a myth or a fairy tale - Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-6440559716196963622015-12-30T14:17:00.001-05:002015-12-30T14:17:48.186-05:00The Wait So FarWe've been home study approved for 5 months now. We were told we can call the agency at any time to ask for an update on the activity (or lack thereof) on our profile. I wanted to wait a good long while before asking - didn't want to hear that no one has looked at our book. Through the autumn several families with our agency placed, so I hoped that by calling after Christmas, we'd get some good Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-31542596581228576832015-11-02T15:39:00.000-05:002015-11-02T15:39:34.910-05:00A MilestoneOctober was a crazy month. It started with M getting a new job offer (he'd been casually applying around for a few months for a variety of reasons). This new job would be military contract work, which we have no experience with and little understanding of. His hiring process was a bit of a rushed disaster (something we were assured by family is the norm for military contracts) that had both M andCurly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-16717381409211852572015-08-12T15:43:00.000-04:002015-08-12T15:43:05.250-04:00Cloth DiaperingAfter months of reading and digesting the mountains of information the internet has to offer on the topic of cloth diapering, I finally feel like I've come to a comfortable level of understanding. I really didn't know, when I first thought Hmm, maybe I want to look into cloth diapers, that you pretty much had to take a semester long course to fully learn all of the diaper types, accessories,Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-15949733450821278552015-07-30T10:58:00.000-04:002015-07-30T10:58:49.411-04:00It Still SucksAllowing myself time to process and grieve my infertility, plus moving onto adoption for our family building, has gone a long way towards healing the deep seated anger, frustration, jealousy, and utter sadness I have often felt when hearing that another woman I know is pregnant. I don't have a strong reaction to every big belly I see, anymore. I don't sit in my GYN's waiting room with bitterness Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-40343504694476455722015-07-15T16:58:00.000-04:002015-07-15T16:58:00.177-04:00Waiting is waitingWe are agency approved! Our adoptive parent profile books have been ordered (after much hand-wringing and editing from me) and will be delivered to the agency by the end of the month. At that point we will officially be waiting for our match!
I am indescribably happy that the first part of our journey has come to a close. I don't even know what to do with myself! We made it, we survived. The Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-61066576512290411272015-06-04T13:55:00.001-04:002015-06-04T13:55:19.784-04:00Wildly Vacillating Emotions I am so excited to be a mom! Wheeeee!!!
I am so terrified of introducing an infant into our daily lives! Aaaaaagh!!!
We're gonna have a baby! Eeeeeeeee!!!
We're going to ruin our marriage! Heeeeeelp!!!
That kind of sums up for you where my head is at these days - which is to say limitless joy and bottomless terror and all points between just for good measure.
I know I can't be the only Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-81082151148041345782015-05-18T10:36:00.001-04:002015-05-18T10:36:10.647-04:00Our Home Study ExperienceWow, that was quick and painless! ....Did I miss something? Wasn't that supposed to be intimidating, invasive, and take forever? M and I might have gotten extremely lucky and had just about the best (and fastest!) experience possible with our home study!
Admittedly, there is probably great variation from state to state and even agency to agency within the same state. A home study is very much a Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-22173457853054423552015-05-07T16:40:00.000-04:002015-05-07T16:40:22.342-04:00Homestudy!!!We have a social worker!!! I had just commented to my friend that I was hoping to have been contacted by our social worker by now, but I didn't want to bug our agency about it - and then lo and behold, I got a phone call on my lunch break from our social worker! And even better than that, she had room in her schedule to come see us next Thursday which is a day both M and I were taking as vacationCurly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-79898876374922668192015-04-24T14:07:00.000-04:002015-04-24T14:07:00.716-04:00Meditating on Loss"A child born to another woman calls me 'Mommy'. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." - Jody Landers
I keep coming back around to the thought that our joy will be at the expense of someone else's loss. It is surreal to know that somewhere in this state, there is a woman who, in a few months or a year, is going to find out she is unexpectedly pregnantCurly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-67570532695517903732015-04-16T14:03:00.001-04:002015-04-16T14:03:48.225-04:00It Won't Be Long NowBeing a task oriented person, there is nothing I love more than to check off items on a long "To-Do" list. We have finished our adoption classes! CHECK! We finally got fingerprinted! CHECK! The last few papers required before our homestudy are printed and signed! CHECK!
Tomorrow, I'll mail a fat manila envelope to our agency and we should soon be assigned to a social worker for our in-home Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-6522381137026169152015-03-05T12:52:00.000-05:002015-03-05T12:52:30.963-05:00I Calmed Down, I PromiseI feel bad for leaving up such an angry post for so long with no follow up. I always have a very strong initial reaction to change (whether good or bad) and I always calm down and move on, even if it isn't obvious in my blog posts ::knowing smile::
The car situation actually worked our really well - the best it possibly could. We made a smaller down-payment than we had planned at first, and thatCurly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-51443815455188622742015-02-11T14:35:00.000-05:002015-02-11T14:35:10.071-05:00It Really Was Going Too WellFuck you universe. Fuck. You.
I think I have dealt admirably with everything life has thrown at me in 31 years. And I have learned to move on, to heal, to make do, and to find the good in truly shitty situations. And I have been so happy ever since M and I committed ourselves to adopting, no matter the pain that came before and which still lingers a little. We are planning, we are saving, we areCurly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-62441067677680155562015-02-04T09:15:00.000-05:002015-02-04T09:15:00.108-05:00Real Progress!I have made a lot of personal progress since Christmas: We announced our adoption plans to our greater circle of family and friends on Face.book just as we had mailed off our application to the Agency! It was exciting and scary at the same time. You never know what well-meaning but ultimately hurtful thing people might say. And after the years of infertility, I'm pretty tired of smiling through Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-39837957337386890352014-12-02T16:11:00.000-05:002014-12-02T16:11:02.479-05:00My Dreams of Clerical Work Have Come True!Oh my, all of this adoption paperwork is so diverting and interesting! ....said no one ever. Still, it is something real and concrete that we are doing to work towards our baby. And that *is* interesting.
We have to have 4 references! And only one is allowed to be related to us! I don't know that many non-relatives whom I trust in that way. Well, okay, I do, but only just barely. Do they have toCurly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-10528430645029804892014-11-26T13:12:00.001-05:002014-11-26T13:12:48.314-05:003rd Agency VisitWow.
Wow....
It is 18 hours later and I still feel a little tongue tied over our phone interview with the Agency in City B. I was never 100% on board with them based on the literature they provide and their website, but everywhere I looked I saw glowing reviews for them. So I added them to our short list of agencies to interview.
This was an...interesting experience. If I had not done so much Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-17503032794636152472014-11-25T09:26:00.000-05:002014-11-25T09:26:16.941-05:00The Healing Power of HopeHope was my enemy for so long while I struggled with infertility. Hope made me excited each new cycle, even at the end when I knew in my soul it wasn't working. Hope made me sob buckets, enough for a river, with each BFN. Hope was indestructible, no matter how hard I tried to squash it down in a tiny box, hidden at the back of mind to protect myself from the hurt it caused. There were days I Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-75153983976847678552014-11-24T13:11:00.000-05:002015-05-15T16:01:29.894-04:00Losses Yet to be MournedI have worked hard to educate myself and M about the unique experiences we will have with adoption, the losses we are and will experience. I don't want to be blindsided by some unexplored grief when I should be busy encouraging attachment with my new little one. Here is a list of a few losses I've thought of that may cause us pain even in our joy of adoption:
A child who looks like M and I - Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-10624073316956080152014-11-20T10:31:00.001-05:002014-11-20T10:31:33.697-05:00Agency Visit 2The more actions that M and I take towards really starting our adoption journey, the more real it begins to feel. Like it is slowly materializing into something solid and tangible after being a ghost of a dream for so long.
Yesterday was the trip to City C for our in-person, one-on-one interview with my favorite agency so far. It was a really good visit, however the distance from our home is a Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-38051671548289589952014-11-17T15:14:00.000-05:002015-05-15T16:33:17.743-04:00Funding AdoptionM and I are funding our adoption solely by ourselves. We haven't asked our parents or anyone else for assistance. That's not to say our family and friends won't help out in other ways eventually. We may not have a traditional, pre-birth baby shower, but I'm sure there will be gifts and hand-me-downs nonetheless. This isn't the case for everyone, though.
There's a girl I went to high school with Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3681510362855017653.post-28994844909547954112014-11-14T16:14:00.001-05:002014-11-14T16:14:34.958-05:00One Info Session downApart from the logistics being a total pain in the ass, the info meeting at the agency in City A was pretty good. We had to leave immediately when I got home from work (I ate microwaved leftovers in the car while M drove) and barely made it on time. Plus, we didn't get home until bedtime so we let the dog out for a few minutes and headed upstairs. And I felt super guilty for being a bad dog-mom -Curly Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07232873717802171517noreply@blogger.com0