I feel like I've written 3 or 4 times before about what "the plan" was. And then it changed. It always changes. So this is me, re-stating the plan. The new-new-new-plan. Let's hope it actually follows through.
My post-op appointment went well - no crying, no freaking out. I'm in a very good place right now, mentally. But then, I am taking very good care of myself. I hid my pregnant facebook friends, I refuse to linger over pregnant women in public or entertain any of my "woe is me" thought patterns. Life is good right now and I know that even if we don't have a baby, there will be other good things eventually. Matt will get a job someday and we will be able to get a house and a dog. I have my wonderful family and my thankfully non-pregnant and mostly single IRL friends. There is a good chance if I have a baby, it will not be incredibly out of sync with the rest of my close peer group. I have my crafts and hobbies and there are many ways I am constantly trying to improve myself. I have a very full life without children so far and there is no reason to think that ever needs to change.
I can only pray that I stay this even keeled. Dr. B informed me we can go back to TTC in 4 weeks or after my next AF, whichever comes later. Its so much easier to stay calm when I'm not actively trying. I did pull out my thermometer again. I thought temping without charting would be a good way to get my feet wet. Good to get back into the useful habit while leaving out the bad, obsessive habit of staring at my chart, willing it to tell me what it all means.
We still don't know if the surgery has helped. We won't know until I either spontaneously start cycling on my own or I go back on clomid and they can measure my response. There is that scary statistic hanging over my head: 20% of women experience no measurable effect from the surgery. ::sigh:: Well, it would be nice to have such a definitive answer.
I'm sorry I haven't been as active lately. Not posting as much and not commenting as much either. I am lurking though, keeping up to date with all your goings on, I promise.
May 31, 2012
May 30, 2012
The War on Curly Hair
Another Fertility-Free post, sorry if they are less interesting. I promise to write a big, long post after my appointment tomorrow and then get back to my regularly scheduled, fertility related, crazy-pants self ::wink::
So, who are my curly haired sisters out there? Any wavy girls (cause you count, too!)? My curly hair is one of my best loved features (and I have so few: my eyes, my collar bones...that's about it). But I didn't always love it and it wasn't always curly. When I was a kid, I had bone straight hair, not a hint of curl. Around age 12/13 my hair rather suddenly got a rougher and bushier texture - it was horrible trying to deal with it through Jr. High! My mom finally got fed up with my weird hair and took me to her stylist who announced "Well no wonder, she's got curly hair!" I was so confused, but apparently hormones can make your hair curl.
From the time I learned my hair was curly until about a year ago I had a serious love/hate relationship with my hair. When it was good it was very, very good and when it was bad it was *awful*! And I could never tell when bad hair days would strike, they seemed so random. I could spend a half an hour on my hair in the morning and it might look like I just rolled out of bed. Frizz was impossible to tame through all known means. And remember, this was back in the rather early days of the internet. No youtube to find videos on how to manage curly hair, naturally curly dot com didn't even exist, so I was very much on my own. I lived with my hair this way for 14 years before finally *finally* figuring out what I was doing wrong.
At Barnes and Noble one day last year, I found The Curly Girl Guidebook on clearance. I leafed through it and knew I had to buy it. I went home, read the book cover to cover, watched the videos on the DVD and knew my hair's life would never be the same. It turns out that 90% of commercial hair products are formulated with straight hair in mind (even products that claim they are for curly hair). Straight hair and curly hair are structurally *very* different and therefore have very different washing and care needs. Who knew!? Not me, that's for sure. To combat frizz, companies load up their conditioners and styling products with silicones which coat the hair shaft and force it to behave. The hair has no access to air and water, which is what creates frizz. However, silicone is not water soluble, so you can't just rinse it out of your hair - it takes a strong surfactant to wash out the silicone or it will build up on your hair and make it dull and very unhealthy. Most shampoos contain sulfates to be able to wash out tricky chemicals like silicone from the hair - sounds like a simple enough solution, right? Except that sulfates are incredibly *harsh* cleansers which strip the hair shaft of everything including its own natural and necessary oils. This is not a terribly bad thing for people with straight hair because they have more oily hair to begin with. Curly people on the other hand have more dry hair because the oil originates at the scalp and our kinky texture keeps the oils from sliding down the hair shaft. So we strangle our hair with silicones and then strip them of nutrients with harsh sulfates and this creates very sad, unhealthy, and unlovely looking curly hair. Not to mention all the damage you can do to it by flat ironing it! I was so guilty of this, especially in the summer when humidity made my hair a frizz-ball unless I ironed it. I have permanently retired my once beloved flat iron.
I had to throw away all my shampoos and conditioners, as well as some of my styling products. I pitched my brushes and combs. At first I was very afraid that the only products on the market without dangerous chemicals would be *super* expensive, but I have been happily surprised to find many "drug store" quality brands that will not harm my hair. I have been sulfates and silicone free for almost a year now.
Until earlier this week when I had to buy more conditioner. I'd found a popular, reasonably priced brand at the grocery store which had none of the chemicals I avoid and was very good for my hair, so I had used it for some time. When I went to use it in the shower, the texture came out *very* different that I was used to. I ran it throughout my hair and knew something was wrong. I quickly checked the ingredients on the bottle and found they had added SILICONE! Without saying anything! No, "new and improved formula!" or any bullshit like that. I was horrified. I had to use a clarifying shampoo (hello harsh sulfates) to get it out and then do a protein treatment. I was SO MAD at the company for changing the formula! Fortunately, I was able to return the offending item to the store and pick up a different conditioner with a label pronouncing "no silicones!". Damn straight, no silicones...
For the first time in my life, I love my hair. I love the way it looks, I love caring for it and I love knowing that it will look beautiful almost every day. And when I do have a rare bad hair day, I know what to do about it. And I've gotten good at noticing the subtle ways that the media and popular public perception try to make curly hair sound like a bad thing. I watched a segment on a Saturday morning talk show that promised to help women with frizz issues. Every single one of the women they showed obviously had some degree of curly hair (whether wavy, or truly curly) that simply wasn't being managed well. The "expert's" solution to their hair woes was to dump a bunch of chemicals on them and flat iron the shit out of it. I got so mad (silly, I know) because it was clear to me they were implying "curly hair ugly, straight hair pretty!". I guess you could say I'm a militant curly girl, and there's just no going back. Why would I *want* to go back when finally love my hair? I wish I could spread the good word to every frizzy haired woman who can't understand why her hair won't behave. Curly hair is *beautiful*, don't believe a word the "experts" say!
So, who are my curly haired sisters out there? Any wavy girls (cause you count, too!)? My curly hair is one of my best loved features (and I have so few: my eyes, my collar bones...that's about it). But I didn't always love it and it wasn't always curly. When I was a kid, I had bone straight hair, not a hint of curl. Around age 12/13 my hair rather suddenly got a rougher and bushier texture - it was horrible trying to deal with it through Jr. High! My mom finally got fed up with my weird hair and took me to her stylist who announced "Well no wonder, she's got curly hair!" I was so confused, but apparently hormones can make your hair curl.
From the time I learned my hair was curly until about a year ago I had a serious love/hate relationship with my hair. When it was good it was very, very good and when it was bad it was *awful*! And I could never tell when bad hair days would strike, they seemed so random. I could spend a half an hour on my hair in the morning and it might look like I just rolled out of bed. Frizz was impossible to tame through all known means. And remember, this was back in the rather early days of the internet. No youtube to find videos on how to manage curly hair, naturally curly dot com didn't even exist, so I was very much on my own. I lived with my hair this way for 14 years before finally *finally* figuring out what I was doing wrong.
At Barnes and Noble one day last year, I found The Curly Girl Guidebook on clearance. I leafed through it and knew I had to buy it. I went home, read the book cover to cover, watched the videos on the DVD and knew my hair's life would never be the same. It turns out that 90% of commercial hair products are formulated with straight hair in mind (even products that claim they are for curly hair). Straight hair and curly hair are structurally *very* different and therefore have very different washing and care needs. Who knew!? Not me, that's for sure. To combat frizz, companies load up their conditioners and styling products with silicones which coat the hair shaft and force it to behave. The hair has no access to air and water, which is what creates frizz. However, silicone is not water soluble, so you can't just rinse it out of your hair - it takes a strong surfactant to wash out the silicone or it will build up on your hair and make it dull and very unhealthy. Most shampoos contain sulfates to be able to wash out tricky chemicals like silicone from the hair - sounds like a simple enough solution, right? Except that sulfates are incredibly *harsh* cleansers which strip the hair shaft of everything including its own natural and necessary oils. This is not a terribly bad thing for people with straight hair because they have more oily hair to begin with. Curly people on the other hand have more dry hair because the oil originates at the scalp and our kinky texture keeps the oils from sliding down the hair shaft. So we strangle our hair with silicones and then strip them of nutrients with harsh sulfates and this creates very sad, unhealthy, and unlovely looking curly hair. Not to mention all the damage you can do to it by flat ironing it! I was so guilty of this, especially in the summer when humidity made my hair a frizz-ball unless I ironed it. I have permanently retired my once beloved flat iron.
I had to throw away all my shampoos and conditioners, as well as some of my styling products. I pitched my brushes and combs. At first I was very afraid that the only products on the market without dangerous chemicals would be *super* expensive, but I have been happily surprised to find many "drug store" quality brands that will not harm my hair. I have been sulfates and silicone free for almost a year now.
Until earlier this week when I had to buy more conditioner. I'd found a popular, reasonably priced brand at the grocery store which had none of the chemicals I avoid and was very good for my hair, so I had used it for some time. When I went to use it in the shower, the texture came out *very* different that I was used to. I ran it throughout my hair and knew something was wrong. I quickly checked the ingredients on the bottle and found they had added SILICONE! Without saying anything! No, "new and improved formula!" or any bullshit like that. I was horrified. I had to use a clarifying shampoo (hello harsh sulfates) to get it out and then do a protein treatment. I was SO MAD at the company for changing the formula! Fortunately, I was able to return the offending item to the store and pick up a different conditioner with a label pronouncing "no silicones!". Damn straight, no silicones...
For the first time in my life, I love my hair. I love the way it looks, I love caring for it and I love knowing that it will look beautiful almost every day. And when I do have a rare bad hair day, I know what to do about it. And I've gotten good at noticing the subtle ways that the media and popular public perception try to make curly hair sound like a bad thing. I watched a segment on a Saturday morning talk show that promised to help women with frizz issues. Every single one of the women they showed obviously had some degree of curly hair (whether wavy, or truly curly) that simply wasn't being managed well. The "expert's" solution to their hair woes was to dump a bunch of chemicals on them and flat iron the shit out of it. I got so mad (silly, I know) because it was clear to me they were implying "curly hair ugly, straight hair pretty!". I guess you could say I'm a militant curly girl, and there's just no going back. Why would I *want* to go back when finally love my hair? I wish I could spread the good word to every frizzy haired woman who can't understand why her hair won't behave. Curly hair is *beautiful*, don't believe a word the "experts" say!
May 25, 2012
Fertility Free Friday: Get Your Glee On!
I have zero fertility related things to blog about, so its a perfect opportunity to take advantage of a meme many of you bloggers follow regularly. And there are so many things I could talk about, but what kept me awake last night was thinking about the show Glee. (Warning: if you watch the show and haven't finished this season, don't read this).
I admit it, I watch Glee. Not religiously - I'm not a "gleek" (worst fan nickname ever. To "gleek" is to produce a projectile spit. Dentists are often accidentally "gleeked" on). I've followed the show since the beginning and the first two seasons were a bit hokey, but so darn cute and the show had so much promise. I loved that all the incidental music was performed by an a capella group. Mr. Schuester wasn't as creepy and obnoxious back then and the story lines were a little less after-school-special than they are now. And yes, I loved the music. I am a musical freak, so Glee is sort of what high school was like in my head. I think its stupid that they cast people as capable as Lea Michelle and then autotune the crap out of them, but what can you do; American Idol is ruining any sense of what *real* vocals sound like.
I don't know when it started going downhill exactly. I mean it was never on top, it was always a quirky, odd-ball show with a niche audience. But something has changed and the quality and trajectory of the show is not what I had hoped for. First of all, it has become *way* too preachy and sanctimonious. Seems like every episode has a Public Service Announcement to make. Remember back in the 90's when family sit-coms ruled network television and now and then there was: A Very Special Episode of Full House/Family Matters/Blossom - Someone would have an eating disorder, or an abusive parent, a drug problem, or engage in *gasp* underage drinking! Imagine if *every single episode* was one of those godawful "very special episodes". That's basically what Glee has devolved into. I can understand wanting to address issues affecting teens, but...the way they are doing it is so preachy and clunky as to lead one to wonder "are these issues that teens are actually talking about or are they issues the writers *think* that teens *aught* to be talking about"? It doesn't feel true, honest, or organic at all. And for some of the PSA plots there's very little lead in for it to seem plausible.
This season the female coach, Ms. Beast, met a man, fell in love, and got married. Every interaction we ever saw with Cooter (where do they come up with these ridiculous names??), he was a sweet, adorable, smitten man. Then about 4 episodes from the end of the season he hauls off and punches Beast because she hadn't done the dishes. Uhhhhhhhhhhh, what? I believe that domestic violence is a very serious issue, no laughing matter, etc. But they made it sound like there is no way in the world to know if the man you are with could ever hurt you. Nice guys can just pop off and beat you one day with no warning. Whaaaaaa?? I'm sorry, but nothing in my 7 years of schooling in psychology and counseling *ever* led me to think that there are no warning signs for men with anger problems and the potential for domestic abuse. But that's how they presented it on the show. And I think that's just plain wrong. Plus that whole plot felt shoe-horned in and completely unnecessary, which does a serious disservice to the cause of domestic violence awareness.
The music has suffered too over the seasons. They used to write a story and then insert music that fit the plot points and emotions of the characters. Now, with many weeks being THEME WEEK on Glee, it feels like they pick the music and write stories to justify the use of that set of songs. Blech! Not to mention when the characters sing now it many times turns into some crappy mini-music video with the singers apparating from the choir room to the auditorium with full lights, costumes, and back up singers. I also finding it HI-larious that whenever New Directions is seen at a competition, their group is fleshed out with background singers who you've never seen before and will never see again.
All of this would be 100% forgiven if the show was just a *little* more self-aware. And that's not to say that it is totally unaware of itself now. Some of the best humor comes from little throw away lines the writers stick in to cheerfully poke fun at themselves. For example, after several episodes in a row where Brittany was seen but given no lines, she says to someone "I didn't talk for a couple weeks" or something like that. It was so funny to see that insider humor. There's little treasures like that scattered sparsely throughout every episode of Glee and its those nuggets of genuine humor that keep me watching. Because I *know* the show is capable of being funny and light-hearted and genuine and meaningful. Its just too bad that 9 times out of 10 they miss the mark completely.
So, any fellow Glee watchers out there? Wanna come out of the shadows and fess up to your guilty pleasure? (pleasure seems like a strong word when I spend half of every episode rolling my eyes or making prolonged "uuuuugh" sounds). Do you think that Glee is just as good as ever (or maybe was never any good at all)? Are you also getting tired of the weekly PSA's? Discuss!
I admit it, I watch Glee. Not religiously - I'm not a "gleek" (worst fan nickname ever. To "gleek" is to produce a projectile spit. Dentists are often accidentally "gleeked" on). I've followed the show since the beginning and the first two seasons were a bit hokey, but so darn cute and the show had so much promise. I loved that all the incidental music was performed by an a capella group. Mr. Schuester wasn't as creepy and obnoxious back then and the story lines were a little less after-school-special than they are now. And yes, I loved the music. I am a musical freak, so Glee is sort of what high school was like in my head. I think its stupid that they cast people as capable as Lea Michelle and then autotune the crap out of them, but what can you do; American Idol is ruining any sense of what *real* vocals sound like.
I don't know when it started going downhill exactly. I mean it was never on top, it was always a quirky, odd-ball show with a niche audience. But something has changed and the quality and trajectory of the show is not what I had hoped for. First of all, it has become *way* too preachy and sanctimonious. Seems like every episode has a Public Service Announcement to make. Remember back in the 90's when family sit-coms ruled network television and now and then there was: A Very Special Episode of Full House/Family Matters/Blossom - Someone would have an eating disorder, or an abusive parent, a drug problem, or engage in *gasp* underage drinking! Imagine if *every single episode* was one of those godawful "very special episodes". That's basically what Glee has devolved into. I can understand wanting to address issues affecting teens, but...the way they are doing it is so preachy and clunky as to lead one to wonder "are these issues that teens are actually talking about or are they issues the writers *think* that teens *aught* to be talking about"? It doesn't feel true, honest, or organic at all. And for some of the PSA plots there's very little lead in for it to seem plausible.
This season the female coach, Ms. Beast, met a man, fell in love, and got married. Every interaction we ever saw with Cooter (where do they come up with these ridiculous names??), he was a sweet, adorable, smitten man. Then about 4 episodes from the end of the season he hauls off and punches Beast because she hadn't done the dishes. Uhhhhhhhhhhh, what? I believe that domestic violence is a very serious issue, no laughing matter, etc. But they made it sound like there is no way in the world to know if the man you are with could ever hurt you. Nice guys can just pop off and beat you one day with no warning. Whaaaaaa?? I'm sorry, but nothing in my 7 years of schooling in psychology and counseling *ever* led me to think that there are no warning signs for men with anger problems and the potential for domestic abuse. But that's how they presented it on the show. And I think that's just plain wrong. Plus that whole plot felt shoe-horned in and completely unnecessary, which does a serious disservice to the cause of domestic violence awareness.
The music has suffered too over the seasons. They used to write a story and then insert music that fit the plot points and emotions of the characters. Now, with many weeks being THEME WEEK on Glee, it feels like they pick the music and write stories to justify the use of that set of songs. Blech! Not to mention when the characters sing now it many times turns into some crappy mini-music video with the singers apparating from the choir room to the auditorium with full lights, costumes, and back up singers. I also finding it HI-larious that whenever New Directions is seen at a competition, their group is fleshed out with background singers who you've never seen before and will never see again.
All of this would be 100% forgiven if the show was just a *little* more self-aware. And that's not to say that it is totally unaware of itself now. Some of the best humor comes from little throw away lines the writers stick in to cheerfully poke fun at themselves. For example, after several episodes in a row where Brittany was seen but given no lines, she says to someone "I didn't talk for a couple weeks" or something like that. It was so funny to see that insider humor. There's little treasures like that scattered sparsely throughout every episode of Glee and its those nuggets of genuine humor that keep me watching. Because I *know* the show is capable of being funny and light-hearted and genuine and meaningful. Its just too bad that 9 times out of 10 they miss the mark completely.
So, any fellow Glee watchers out there? Wanna come out of the shadows and fess up to your guilty pleasure? (pleasure seems like a strong word when I spend half of every episode rolling my eyes or making prolonged "uuuuugh" sounds). Do you think that Glee is just as good as ever (or maybe was never any good at all)? Are you also getting tired of the weekly PSA's? Discuss!
May 21, 2012
Healing Nicely
Thank you, everyone for your well wishes, your thoughts, and your prayers. I am truly grateful for this wonderful community of women!
I'm still here, still recuperating. My incision spots hurt now and then, especially when I cough a lot. I'm getting back into my normal diet and my normal routine. I even went to work for a few hours this morning! And then I took a nap, haha. I haven't had any vicodin for 2 days, but I'm definitely taking one before bed tonight.
I have been a very bad girl and given up on taking my birth control pills as of 2 days after my surgery. I was spotting the whole time I was taking them anyways and I don't think they were contributing to my mental well being. The chances of my ovulating spontaneously in the next few weeks and miraculously ending up pregnant are so stupidly slim that I am more than willing to risk it. ::eye roll: Sheesh. I have enough pills to keep track of right now anyway.
I wish I could spend the next several days speculating over signs or symptoms that the surgery has worked and my body is now producing less toxic levels of testosterone, but that's just not the way it works. And I know very little of what to expect in the coming two months since I haven't talk to Dr. B yet...so...yeah, just kinda hanging out. I do not feel incredibly anxious about all this down time and I'm very glad of it. I'm so tired of hating everything about this rotten journey. There's nothing I can do to make it go any faster or smoother, so at this point I just want to hate it as little as possible. I would like to try to have a baby and at the same time feel okay if it doesn't happen for us. That's my ideal, that's my goal mindset.
I'm still here, still recuperating. My incision spots hurt now and then, especially when I cough a lot. I'm getting back into my normal diet and my normal routine. I even went to work for a few hours this morning! And then I took a nap, haha. I haven't had any vicodin for 2 days, but I'm definitely taking one before bed tonight.
I have been a very bad girl and given up on taking my birth control pills as of 2 days after my surgery. I was spotting the whole time I was taking them anyways and I don't think they were contributing to my mental well being. The chances of my ovulating spontaneously in the next few weeks and miraculously ending up pregnant are so stupidly slim that I am more than willing to risk it. ::eye roll: Sheesh. I have enough pills to keep track of right now anyway.
I wish I could spend the next several days speculating over signs or symptoms that the surgery has worked and my body is now producing less toxic levels of testosterone, but that's just not the way it works. And I know very little of what to expect in the coming two months since I haven't talk to Dr. B yet...so...yeah, just kinda hanging out. I do not feel incredibly anxious about all this down time and I'm very glad of it. I'm so tired of hating everything about this rotten journey. There's nothing I can do to make it go any faster or smoother, so at this point I just want to hate it as little as possible. I would like to try to have a baby and at the same time feel okay if it doesn't happen for us. That's my ideal, that's my goal mindset.
May 18, 2012
Rumors of my Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated...
I'm a little achy, a little sleepy, and a little distracted, so you guys get bullet points!
- surgery went fine, but I was stuck in recovery for 4 hours because I was coughing up so much liquid and my lungs sounded "crackly".
- Holy endometriosis, Batman - they found stage 2 endometriosis on the back side of my uterus! I would never in a million years have guessed that I have endometriosis.
- Drugs are gooooooooooooood.
- I now know what early pregnancy feels like between my distended lower abdomen and my inability to hold more than a half bladder full of pee.
- On a non-surgery related note, the dog problem that was pushing me over the edge into full on mental breakdown is solved. Let us never speak of it again.
May 15, 2012
I'm Still Here
I think its pretty clear I have been going through a not-good time lately. I'm nowhere near out of the woods either. In fact, the crap and the stress just keep piling up. I'm beginning to wonder if I'll end this year with an ulcer.
The cat still isn't using his litter pan with, what I would think is, sufficient regularity. Do we wait it out? Do we take him back to the vet (goodbye more money that we don't have)? I don't know.
The new stress is that my parents have finally decided they have to find a new home for one of their dogs. They have two cairn terriers, whose personalities are as different as the color of their fur. The one is getting old and has lost most of his hearing. He's old, a little skittish, and kind of crabby, but we love him. The other, Ralph, is about 3 or 4 years younger, but acts like a puppy - TONS of energy. This causes many doggie disagreements and they've been getting worse. Ralph needs more attention and exercise than my parents can give because their jobs require long hours and are high stress and my parents are getting older. God I hate saying that...my parents are getting *older* ::shiver:: Anyway, my mother finally admitted this is not a good situation for either dog and so, with much regret and pain, she has asked me to find Ralph a new home. Cue epic stress ball that I did not need to add to my collection. Obviously, I want to make sure I find him a safe, happy, and healthy home. My mom cries at the thought of him being mistreated. Add to this that my dad is "fed up" with dealing with the two dogs and things at my parents' house are... well, "not going well" is putting it ever so lightly. So I'm under a lot of pressure to place Ralph quickly in order to alleviate some of the strain on my parents' relationship.
Sound fucked up enough?
Cause there's more.
But I don't have the time, inclination, or emotional energy to write about the rest of it.
I've decided to start praying for *acceptance* and *contentment* in all situations. So much of what is stressing me out these days is far beyond my control. I have no way of knowing where the end is or what form it will take. The only thing I can hope or ask for is to weather the storm and not make it worse by railing against it (doesn't do any good anyway). It has turned out to be a very good thing that I am not actively trying to get pregnant right now.
The cat still isn't using his litter pan with, what I would think is, sufficient regularity. Do we wait it out? Do we take him back to the vet (goodbye more money that we don't have)? I don't know.
The new stress is that my parents have finally decided they have to find a new home for one of their dogs. They have two cairn terriers, whose personalities are as different as the color of their fur. The one is getting old and has lost most of his hearing. He's old, a little skittish, and kind of crabby, but we love him. The other, Ralph, is about 3 or 4 years younger, but acts like a puppy - TONS of energy. This causes many doggie disagreements and they've been getting worse. Ralph needs more attention and exercise than my parents can give because their jobs require long hours and are high stress and my parents are getting older. God I hate saying that...my parents are getting *older* ::shiver:: Anyway, my mother finally admitted this is not a good situation for either dog and so, with much regret and pain, she has asked me to find Ralph a new home. Cue epic stress ball that I did not need to add to my collection. Obviously, I want to make sure I find him a safe, happy, and healthy home. My mom cries at the thought of him being mistreated. Add to this that my dad is "fed up" with dealing with the two dogs and things at my parents' house are... well, "not going well" is putting it ever so lightly. So I'm under a lot of pressure to place Ralph quickly in order to alleviate some of the strain on my parents' relationship.
Sound fucked up enough?
Cause there's more.
But I don't have the time, inclination, or emotional energy to write about the rest of it.
I've decided to start praying for *acceptance* and *contentment* in all situations. So much of what is stressing me out these days is far beyond my control. I have no way of knowing where the end is or what form it will take. The only thing I can hope or ask for is to weather the storm and not make it worse by railing against it (doesn't do any good anyway). It has turned out to be a very good thing that I am not actively trying to get pregnant right now.
May 11, 2012
The Cat Came Back
Thank you to everyone who left me such kind and supportive comments on my freak out post. I really think I had a mini mental breakdown and it took me a good 24 hours to put myself back together (with tons and tons of help from M). I am still not feeling very positive or hopeful, but I am managing to keep the doom and gloom thoughts at bay and not cry over every tiny thing.
It helps a lot that we finally figured out what was wrong with our cat: constipation. Seriously?? Those were some scary symptoms for such a simple problem! The vet gave him an enema and got him to pass some feces. We brought him home and offered him some canned food (which he has never eaten in his life) with a little pumpkin puree. He didn't eat right away, but overnight he gobbled it up and licked all the gravy out of the dish. Woohoo! That's progress! If we can get him to eat some more canned food and pumpkin, hopefully he will poop in his pan today or tomorrow. Otherwise we have to go back to the vet for a prescription laxative.
I told my sister, J, on Wednesday that if we haven't made significant strides towards getting pregnant by the end of this year, I may be ready to call it quits. There is so much about PCOS that has to be managed besides the infertility and its very hard to do without drugs I can't be on while TTC. I also think that if we do get pregnant, and keep it, I would be fine with only one child. I don't know that I have the emotional fortitude to go through this a second time. Especially considering Dr. B told me the effects of ovarian drilling only last 3 years at best (then why did Dr. G tell me the effects would last 5 years??).
Mel had an excellent post over at Stirrup Queens called "You will get through this too". Its about surviving Mother's Day, but it can be applied to any difficult event or phase in one's life. I will get through infertility, M's job search, and being poor because I've gotten through other incredibly difficult times in my life before. Its always worst when you are *in* it, but afterwards the trials don't seem as impossibly bad. I'm going to try to keep that in mind while I wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.
It helps a lot that we finally figured out what was wrong with our cat: constipation. Seriously?? Those were some scary symptoms for such a simple problem! The vet gave him an enema and got him to pass some feces. We brought him home and offered him some canned food (which he has never eaten in his life) with a little pumpkin puree. He didn't eat right away, but overnight he gobbled it up and licked all the gravy out of the dish. Woohoo! That's progress! If we can get him to eat some more canned food and pumpkin, hopefully he will poop in his pan today or tomorrow. Otherwise we have to go back to the vet for a prescription laxative.
I told my sister, J, on Wednesday that if we haven't made significant strides towards getting pregnant by the end of this year, I may be ready to call it quits. There is so much about PCOS that has to be managed besides the infertility and its very hard to do without drugs I can't be on while TTC. I also think that if we do get pregnant, and keep it, I would be fine with only one child. I don't know that I have the emotional fortitude to go through this a second time. Especially considering Dr. B told me the effects of ovarian drilling only last 3 years at best (then why did Dr. G tell me the effects would last 5 years??).
Mel had an excellent post over at Stirrup Queens called "You will get through this too". Its about surviving Mother's Day, but it can be applied to any difficult event or phase in one's life. I will get through infertility, M's job search, and being poor because I've gotten through other incredibly difficult times in my life before. Its always worst when you are *in* it, but afterwards the trials don't seem as impossibly bad. I'm going to try to keep that in mind while I wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)