Another Brain Dump

I can't form my thoughts into a cohesive post today, so I'm gonna break out the bullet points.

*A friend asked me if I'm scared or nervous about my surgery. I told him in honesty, I am not afraid of the surgery - I am nervous about the anesthesia and I am scared about the outcome of the surgery.

* Dr. Google tells me the surgery results in 80% ovulation rate and 50% pregnancy rate. Unfortunately, this data is only from a sample of 1000 women and live birth rates were obviously less than than the 50% pregnancy rate, but not counted specifically. Super.

* If the surgery doesn't have the desired effect, I will find myself very quickly at the end of my pursuit for biological children. It doesn't make sense to me to pursue IVF (for which there is zero coverage) when we could move onto adoption (for which my employer does offer a cost assistance benefit). But then I look at myself in the mirror, at my curly hair and the familial hook of my nose, traits I will never pass on if we adopt. I think about how much I've wanted a child with M's beautiful blue eyes, and almost certainly curly hair from both of us...and I just want to cry.

* I watched the movie 50/50 last night. If you have not seen it yet, you really need to watch it. I suppose it is inappropriate to compare cancer and infertility, but seriously, so much of the main character's emotional journey was point for point what we all go through with infertility. It really touched me.

*I started reading Bridget Jones' Diary (yeah, I know I'm over 10 years behind the curve) and it perfectly clarified for me why I (and M) have been feeling so down lately (and I definitely didn't expect something so philosophically deep from a chick-lit book): Happiness doesn't come from love, money, or power, but from the pursuit of attainable goals. My mind is blown. I mean, I think I've been saying something *like* that for a while now, but this just put it together in plain English for me. We are bummed out because the goals we thought were attainable have proven to be much farther out of reach despite our best efforts.

 NIAW has been very cathartic for me. I've posted multiple article and blog links on FaceBook and many people have expressed their appreciation for educating them. I'm very grateful that I cancelled my cycle and chose to do surgery - because of the peace I have with my current trajectory, I have managed to keep bitterness and snarkiness out of my NIAW posts and therefore have avoided alienating people.

Don't Ignore...

Its National Infertility Awareness Week (pretty sure you were already aware...). The theme is "Don't Ignore".

Don't ignore your body. I feel so badly for women who wait (or have to wait) until they are 35+ to try to build their family. At that point, they already have age working against them, to say nothing of any underlying problems that impact fertility. I know its very feminist to take charge of your life and do things in the order *you* want to and not let that pesky biological clock influence you, but...well come on! You've got to at least be informed of what's at risk *before* you decide to put off TTC. Advocate for yourself. Question your doctors. If you don't have regular cycles, don't just pop birth control and forget it - find out WHY. Because the WHY might cause problems down the line and you want to know about that *now*.

Don't ignore the pain. You might be "out" as an infertile to everyone you know, or you might be in the closet from everyone but your spouse and doctor. Either way, don't ignore how you are feeling. Infertility sucks every damn day. Some days we put on a brave face and can laugh and smile about our trials. Other days a diaper commercial brings us to tears. Own your emotions, acknowledge them, they are *valid*. Thinking terrible thoughts about your uber-fertile friend? Feeling *really* guilty about that? Hey, me too. If we own up to these things and talk about them, whether IRL or in blog-land, then those thoughts can't control us, those emotions can't dictate our day. And don't allow anyone else to diminish your experiences or feelings! We should all take a stand against playing the Pain Olympics.

Don't ignore the impact of infertility on your life. It affects way more than just our ability to have children. It affects our relationships with, basically, *everyone*, especially our partners. It can draw people closer together, or tear them apart. It affects our family finances and financial decisions. New car or second IVF? It affects our physical and mental health, sometimes for the rest our lives. Those with diagnoses such as PCOS and endometriosis will almost definitely have other health problems throughout life.

These are our lives. This shit is for real! Being infertile doesn't have to define who you are, but only through education and understanding can we take control of our lives again. Ignoring the issue doesn't make it go away anymore than "just relax" will get us pregnant. If we don't advocate for ourselves, who will?

We have to make the world aware of our struggle because unlike them, we don't have the luxury of ignoring infertility, the sorority no one wants to belong to. Solidarity, sisters.

What is Infertility?
 NIAW

Outreach

This image totally belongs to Resolve.org, not me

This coming Sunday starts National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). I have been waiting for this week since I first learned about it last Fall. As I said in my last post, I feel very protective of our community and am looking forward to sharing information and making people aware of us and our struggles. "Don't ignore this week!" the Resolve.org website says - and I will not. The theme this year is "Don't ignore infertility", and with 1 in 8 couples facing some form of infertility, no one can afford to ignore it! Whether people know it or not, someone in their life is dealing with infertility. Awareness can help make life a tiny bit easier for those of us fighting the good fight.

I've bookmarked several websites with ideas for outreach on Facebook. I want to post at least 1, if not more, NIAW related item every day. I'm saving the photo project entries at The Ladies in Waiting Book Club to share. I got a great idea from fellow blogger KrunchyK, at returntogobaby.com, to make friendship bracelets out of embroidery floss in Infertility Awareness Red (technically pomegranite, #814) - I want to make one for my sister, my mom, and myself to wear all next week. At church on Sunday, I'll put a special prayer request in for all people battling infertility. Hopefully I'll think of a few more ideas before next week. I might make some NIAW related blog posts (kind of feels like preaching to the choir, since anyone already reading here is *aware* of infertility, but maybe I can encourage others to speak out).

So what are you doing to observe National Infertility Awareness Week? Any creative ideas on how to inform the public about the truths of Infertility? Do you have concerns about speaking out - such as fear of judgement, retribution, or just ignorant people totally misunderstanding? Also, no judgement here if anyone is not actively participating in NIAW - I completely understand that there are situations that can be made worse by speaking out, and that is a damn shame.