April 26, 2012

Another Brain Dump

I can't form my thoughts into a cohesive post today, so I'm gonna break out the bullet points.

*A friend asked me if I'm scared or nervous about my surgery. I told him in honesty, I am not afraid of the surgery - I am nervous about the anesthesia and I am scared about the outcome of the surgery.

* Dr. Google tells me the surgery results in 80% ovulation rate and 50% pregnancy rate. Unfortunately, this data is only from a sample of 1000 women and live birth rates were obviously less than than the 50% pregnancy rate, but not counted specifically. Super.

* If the surgery doesn't have the desired effect, I will find myself very quickly at the end of my pursuit for biological children. It doesn't make sense to me to pursue IVF (for which there is zero coverage) when we could move onto adoption (for which my employer does offer a cost assistance benefit). But then I look at myself in the mirror, at my curly hair and the familial hook of my nose, traits I will never pass on if we adopt. I think about how much I've wanted a child with M's beautiful blue eyes, and almost certainly curly hair from both of us...and I just want to cry.

* I watched the movie 50/50 last night. If you have not seen it yet, you really need to watch it. I suppose it is inappropriate to compare cancer and infertility, but seriously, so much of the main character's emotional journey was point for point what we all go through with infertility. It really touched me.

*I started reading Bridget Jones' Diary (yeah, I know I'm over 10 years behind the curve) and it perfectly clarified for me why I (and M) have been feeling so down lately (and I definitely didn't expect something so philosophically deep from a chick-lit book): Happiness doesn't come from love, money, or power, but from the pursuit of attainable goals. My mind is blown. I mean, I think I've been saying something *like* that for a while now, but this just put it together in plain English for me. We are bummed out because the goals we thought were attainable have proven to be much farther out of reach despite our best efforts.

 NIAW has been very cathartic for me. I've posted multiple article and blog links on FaceBook and many people have expressed their appreciation for educating them. I'm very grateful that I cancelled my cycle and chose to do surgery - because of the peace I have with my current trajectory, I have managed to keep bitterness and snarkiness out of my NIAW posts and therefore have avoided alienating people.

6 comments:

  1. I think it's easy to get caught up in statistics. But, you never know what it will be like for YOU. And hopefully YOU and YOUR story will be a successful one and you'll get a BFP soon.
    Also, I completely understand the debate between IVF and adoption. I'm hoping you don't have to go there, but if you do, I've been there (well, I AM there.)
    Also, thanks for the recommendations for the 50/50 movie. We'll have to try watch that one!
    Good job being proactive on fb! That takes courage!

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    1. Yeah if I need to look into adoption, then I am definitely going to beg assistance from the "A" part of the ALI community!

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  2. I have looked at a lot of those stats, too, and I try to remember that I am relatively young compared to many women who have the surgery. I hope that my age, healthy habits, regular cycle, etc, etc (all the POSITIVE things I have going for me) put me in that ovulating/successful pregnancy group post surgery. I, too, worry about the outcome...what if it doesn't work?! Then I try to remind myself that at least we know we are doing all we can to increase our chances. Having the surgery and not getting the outcome I want is better than not having surgery and just giving up! I am also nervous about the anesthesia. I am not sure how different a laparoscopy for ovarian drilling is from one for endometriosis (which is what I am having), but I found this guide helpful:

    http://health.thefuntimesguide.com/2006/12/laparoscopy_for_endometriosis.php

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    1. thanks! And you are right, even if the surgery doesn't work, at least I will have a definitive answer and can move on with my life instead of always wondering.

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  3. Studies show that emotionally, infertility is just as devastating diagnosis as cancer. So it is absolutely APPROPRIATE to compare the two.

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    1. I did not know that, thanks! Not exactly good news to hear...but I'm glad I have no real reason to fear someone's ire over the comparison.

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