I can't form my thoughts into a cohesive post today, so I'm gonna break out the bullet points.
*A friend asked me if I'm scared or nervous about my surgery. I told him in honesty, I am not afraid of the surgery - I am nervous about the anesthesia and I am scared about the outcome of the surgery.
* Dr. Google tells me the surgery results in 80% ovulation rate and 50% pregnancy rate. Unfortunately, this data is only from a sample of 1000 women and live birth rates were obviously less than than the 50% pregnancy rate, but not counted specifically. Super.
* If the surgery doesn't have the desired effect, I will find myself very quickly at the end of my pursuit for biological children. It doesn't make sense to me to pursue IVF (for which there is zero coverage) when we could move onto adoption (for which my employer does offer a cost assistance benefit). But then I look at myself in the mirror, at my curly hair and the familial hook of my nose, traits I will never pass on if we adopt. I think about how much I've wanted a child with M's beautiful blue eyes, and almost certainly curly hair from both of us...and I just want to cry.
* I watched the movie 50/50 last night. If you have not seen it yet, you really need to watch it. I suppose it is inappropriate to compare cancer and infertility, but seriously, so much of the main character's emotional journey was point for point what we all go through with infertility. It really touched me.
*I started reading Bridget Jones' Diary (yeah, I know I'm over 10 years behind the curve) and it perfectly clarified for me why I (and M) have been feeling so down lately (and I definitely didn't expect something so philosophically deep from a chick-lit book): Happiness doesn't come from love, money, or power, but from the pursuit of attainable goals. My mind is blown. I mean, I think I've been saying something *like* that for a while now, but this just put it together in plain English for me. We are bummed out because the goals we thought were attainable have proven to be much farther out of reach despite our best efforts.
NIAW has been very cathartic for me. I've posted multiple article and blog links on FaceBook and many people have expressed their appreciation for educating them. I'm very grateful that I cancelled my cycle and chose to do surgery - because of the peace I have with my current trajectory, I have managed to keep bitterness and snarkiness out of my NIAW posts and therefore have avoided alienating people.