June 10, 2014

I Bought the Book

This is big.

It maybe sounds small and insignificant, but for me, in my mind, this is HUGE!

I went to the used bookstore on my lunch break one day last week to see if they even had a section of books about adoption. They did, although it was really small and wedged in with ten copies of What to Expect When You're Expecting (*vomit*). Being a used bookstore, they are slaves to the whims of people who sell them their old books, so I don't fault them for the narrowness of their selection. I hadn't heard of/wasn't interested in most of the titles -BUT- and I take this as a small gesture from God- they had a copy of Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew. The book I am currently riveted to and goes with me everywhere.

And I bought it.

I bought. A book. About adoption.

I know - it's like I might actually be starting to think that we may possibly, actually, do this. And not in some vague unknown future time. But soon. Ish.

That is a big step for me.

June 06, 2014

I Don't Want to Talk About This

I always minimize my browser when I'm reading infertility blogs or websites and someone walks by. I have NEVER brought an IF related book out in public. Phone conversations with my sister while I'm at work are intentionally as vague as possible (since we both have IF from PCOS, many of our convos are on these topics).

I want the people around me to be aware of infertility, but I don't necessarily want them to be aware of MY infertility. I'm not interested in having that conversation with most people, even people I see every day. And to that end, I want to be in control of whether or not I have that conversation and with whom. But people see a book or a website open and think it is an invitation to start asking questions. Not that I don't ask people about books they are reading, but only if it appears to be fiction or a biography or something. If I saw someone reading a title like "Your Hidden Pain" - I would not try to chat them up about it since it sounds like a pretty heavy and probably personal topic. I *will* chat them up if they are reading the Hunger Games.

The issue is, I don't trust other people to know how to be sensitive to me, to know what questions are okay and what questions cross the line into too personal. And I am not always in the mood to "educate" people. Sometimes I am feeling raw and vulnerable and that is not a good place to be in and then feeling like I am defending my life situation to someone.

I bring this up because, much like my infertility, I don't want to broadcast my ongoing family building efforts. But I don't have much of a choice except to haul my adoption books with me everywhere I go because I don't have time to read at home very often. I would love to leave a stack of books by my bed and only read at night, safe from prying eyes. I can't do that efficiently and these are library books.

I'm not ready to talk about this though. I cannot say with absolute certainty that M and I are going to adopt, not yet. I am still forming my opinions, still researching, still learning. And again, I'm not in the mood to educate people, it is *exhausting* and I'm too vulnerable right now. I don't want their opinions, their horror stories, their cringe-worthy platitudes. "Adopted kids are so lucky!" - Adoptees *hate* being told they are lucky. It's like when Fertiles tell us we are "lucky" because we don't have kids. Yes, there are benefits, but don't you dare tell me, sitting from your vantage point, that *I* am lucky.

So I'm not sure what to do. What is a socially acceptable way to shut down a conversation before it starts? "What are you reading?" "A book." - that seems rude. But as soon as I say, "A source book for multicultural families", I feel like I have opened the door to invite more questions that I don't want. I wish I could lie and say it's research for a class, but then I'd have to tell an avalanche of lies to keep *that* lie going.

What's weird is, I was reading the Divergence series on my Nook just before I started reading all these adoption books. I was glued to my Nook every time I had to walk somewhere because I was that addicted to the books. And one or two people from my office commented or asked what I was reading. Now that I'm carrying around adoption books, *everyone* is making comments and asking what I'm reading. Seriously, like 6 people in my office. One in particular makes a comment every damn time she seems me with a book, which has been everyday for over a week now. I GET IT, YOU SEE ME READING EVERY TIME I AM WALKING. WE ALL GET IT!

I'm being overly-sensitive, aren't I? I think maybe that is part of it. I can't help it. I suppose I could settle for the most innocuous answer to "What are you reading?" - "Oh, it's research" and then immediately go back to reading and hope they leave me alone. That's all I want. Just leave me alone until I am ready to talk.