August 31, 2013

And Now Back to Our Regular Programming

Sorry about the black out. Not sure what that looked like on your end, but I changed my viewers to only me while I waited out a situation. I really don't want to get into it because it is too involved, too bizarre, and not over yet. Maybe someday (in like a year) I can explain myself.

So where were we? Oh - 7 DPIUI. And let me tell you, this 2WW is *flying* by because I have so much more on my mind than symptom spotting. Seriously, quitting your job with little notice does wonders to distract you from IF! I have zero symptoms, but happily am not spotting yet, so I'll take it. I can't tell if I had bad side effects from the trigger shot again because with or without it, I was crying every day this week anyway. Again, long, bizarre story for another time.

I found out my health insurance lasts through the end of September, so that's good news for the parallel universe me who might actually get a BFP out of this cycle. In a perfect world, I won't need to worry about changing insurance companies because I will quickly pick up a new job at the same place. Buuuut, we'll see.

I completely forget what the dosage of my trigger shot was and how long I have to wait to test accurately and not get a false positive. I definitely want to test before next weekend because we're celebrating my mom's birthday. So I think I'll try to hold out until next Friday, but if I start spotting I'll test on Thursday. Very important to get a conciliatory alcoholic beverage on board as soon as possible to avert a total meltdown.

I'll keep y'all posted, but I'm not expecting much.


August 24, 2013

Final IUI

Not to say that I will never, ever go back to medicated cycles, but it is final for a long time if not ever. M's pat went just fine, we got breakfast afterward, and headed back to the hospital for my part. Dr. B (I guess the secretary got confused when she told me it would be the Guru on Saturday?) had some trouble navigating the catheter into my cervix, but eventually got it. M's washed number was 95 million, which was up from that last time. Actually, each time we have done an IUI, M's numbers have gone up - interesting.

I obediently laid there for 6 minutes after the procedure. Then we were up and off. Didn't lay low the rest of the day - we had a full schedule. I am only just now sitting down in my own home again and that's just because I got extremely low blood sugar after being at Ale Fest all afternoon. So cross your fingers and toes for me because in 2 weeks, about the same time I lose my insurance, I will find out if this worked. Thank GOD my husband has insurance that can pick me up.

August 23, 2013

A Very Strange Day

You don't wake up on a random Thursday morning expecting that your entire professional life will come crashing down around you. But that's exactly what happened to me. In 12 hours I went from having a job (but actively seeking other employment), to being threatened with a piece of information off the internet and needing to make a quick decision by the following morning, to putting my 2 week notice in, over the phone, to the man who was trying to destroy my credibility and career. The mind boggles.

Before all that BS went down, I had my u/s. It went very well, my lead follie *did* grow right on schedule :-D I was told to trigger that night and given my Saturday morning IUI appointment times. And so continues my final medicated cycle. It feels...small, in comparison to everything else that has just happened. But that may be a good thing. Keep my head on straight, ya know? Perspective and all that. I'll update tomorrow night. Hoping the TARDIS socks my best friend bought me will bring me luck tomorrow morning in the stirrups!

August 19, 2013

The Long, Dark Tea Time of the Soul

Props to anyone who knows the reference in the title ;-)

This is going to be.... an unholy mess of a post, apologies.

Had my mid-cycle ultrasound today. The front-runner follicle was 14mm. I have no idea what the next closest few were. It doesn't matter. Last cycle at this time a had a 17 and two 16's - as if that did me any good; still not pregnant. They asked that I come in for another ultrasound later in the week. Just in case. They don't want to tell me to trigger and all that when maybe nothing will happen. Oh yeah, cause that would suck - going to *all that trouble* and then nothing happens...

Oh wait - that's every cycle. It doesn't matter if I had gold star follies. Doesn't matter if M's sample had record numbers. NOTHING HAPPENS.

I'm frustrated. To say the least. I find it interesting that I am, and have been, ovulating ever since my surgery, but no dice. And yet, no further testing is suggested. No one has even mentioned male factor since our initial appointment. There are a million different, little things that could be wrong with M's sperm and we would never know because we've just had a basic semen analysis done. But nobody mentions it. The closest thing to a novel idea I have heard was the Guru's revelation to me of other "options" besides IVF.

I'm done, y'all. I'm not saying modern medicine has failed me, but I certainly feel like my doctors are failing me. And they are the best in the area according to "everyone". I'm sick and tired of crying, and blaming myself, and blaming God, and hating my reproductive organs. This is no way to live a life and certainly no way to try to bring new life in. I don't even want to hear their schpeal about modified protocols. It can't possibly raise my chances to a percentage that would make it worth while to me.

I came home from the hospital and cried, like I always do. Because I can lie to myself all I want about how little I care if this works. The truth will out in the ultrasound room. I looked for hope, I scraped about for something happy. I've got nothing left but frustration and heartache towards infertility treatments.

At home, my Portals of Prayer book that has been gathering dust on the hall table fell to the floor when I set my purse down. I flipped through it, looking for guidance. I keep asking God to tell me what He wants me to do - I don't care what it is anymore, just tell me!! I mulled over things for a while, asking myself various questions, reading, thinking. I think - in matters of one's mission in life - sorrow, trials, and soldiering on are expected (from a Christian perspective). But, who ever said that biological procreation was anyone's mission in life - their purpose for being here? "Be fruitful and multiply, sure - but I tried! I tried and tried! I don't think God means for me to be heavy-hearted and sometimes miserable in my pursuit of a family. He has clearly provided other options, which I am not opposed to. I thought on this, and a quiet peacefulness laid on me. I stopped crying.

I've got another post percolating.... I want to write about how much I'm looking forward to being a mom and introducing my kid to all things geek. We're big time geeks, I'm proud to say. I'm a book nerd, M is a gamer geek, and we both enjoy sci-fi and fantasy movies and tv shows (unfortunately we don't often agree on *what* shows and movies). I need to think on it some more though...


August 14, 2013


I live a fairly structured life. I find that I need to if I'm going to keep my head above water with chores and other adult responsibilities. This week, my typical schedule is thrown off because I'm spending two, non-consecutive nights at my sister's house while her husband is out of town. So grocery shopping that should have happened Monday had to wait until Tuesday. And then M had to work late. And we had to go shopping before I could make dinner because there was no food in the house. So we went shopping on empty stomachs with M already in a foul mood from his day.

The grocery store provides its own special forms of torture when you are already in a bad mood: lousy music, beeping scooter carts, and screaming children. M and I tried not to be unpleasant to each other, but his bad mood wore off on me and I stopped trying quite so hard. At one point I said "Can you imagine doing this with a baby?" Cue screaming children one aisle over. "Maybe we shouldn't have kids afterall. Maybe we would just end up at each others' throats all the time and get divorced."

I hate having ample time to consider such thoughts. I'm pretty sure it doesn't do any good. Because who *doesn't* find parenting stressful? But I keep coming back to the idea that I'm being saved from myself by being infertile. Because I'm not cut out to be a working mom. I'm exhausted at the end of the day *now*, without a whole other human being relying on me.

In addition to these cheerful wanderings, I find myself increasingly more disillusioned about work. Not just my current job, but work in general. Were humans really put here on Earth to spend the majority of their day isolated from the people they love? My husband and I work in opposite directions. If a medical emergency happened to either of us, it would take the other one at least an hour to get there. I see my husband, bleary eyed and mumbling, for 15 minutes in the morning. I don't see him again until we are both home in the evening, 10 and a half hours later. And then we go to bed at 9:30. How could I possibly raise a child when I don't even see my husband for more than 5 hours at a time??

Am I seriously going to create some charming portfolio of pictures and stories that paint M and I as fantastic parents-to-be when in reality I would be cramming my parenting skills into one or two hours in the morning and 3 or 4 hours at night? How does anyone anywhere ever do this???

You know what, its the drugs talking, I know it is. Because normal, not drugged me does not sit in her office and strongly consider proposing subsistence farming in the backyard to her husband simply so she can work along side him. But honestly, there are some days when I think the Amish have gotten it right.

August 09, 2013

There are Options?

People really should not attempt to communicate with me in a meaningful way before I've had my coffee, as a general rule. But an early appointment and lack of coffee were unavoidable this morning, so my brain was very hazy as the Guru talked at me after my ultrasound. Ovaries and Uterus are doing fine, behaving themselves while still denying me a baby, whatever. The Guru went over this cycle's protocol with me and reminded me we could do this same thing for another IUI before moving on to something else. I assured him that Dr. B and I have been talking and after Femera+Ovidrel and IUI there's no where else to go really other than IVF, and that's my line in the sand.

I spoke very simply and matter-of-fact-ly about all this. The Guru still gave me a canned speech about success rates with IVF and how its between 80 and 90% when you include one FET after an initial fresh IVF cycle, blah blah blah. I know they think they are being helpful, but seriously - do they think I am making my decision lightly? Without having done tons of reading and discussing and weighing of costs and benefits? It took me 6 *months* to buy a car after mine was unceremoniously totaled. I do not make my choices in life lightly.

So I kind of mentally checked out (more than I already was from the lack of caffeine) while he nattered on about statistics and such. Then he went into a small tangent about some other supposed "options" I had besides IVF. Now, my ears perked a bit, but I just couldn't get the gears in my brain to turn fast enough to *really* follow what he was saying. Something about continuing IUIs but adding other meds on top of Femara and a trigger. Things like sterioids and androgen blockers and honest to God that's all I can remember. But this is the first I am hearing of these "personalized" protocols and I don't know how to feel about it. I'm a little annoyed - why has this never been mentioned before?? I'm a little apathetic - who cares, I made up my mind that this is it a long time ago. I'm a little confused - does this change the plan? Does it change how I feel about giving up on modern medicine for procreation?

And the answer is the same for every emotion and question: I don't know. I don't even want to more deeply consider these thoughts at the moment because the rumination may be pointless in the end. If I have strong emotional reactions to the drugs again, then I know in my bones I will be done after this cycle. I'm tired of my entire world turning into a house of horrors for 30 days at a time. I wish there was a female doctor in the practice because I wonder if she would be more understanding when I say "An 80% success rate at what cost to my mental health?". These men have never *taken* the drugs they prescribe. They observe, but do not personally *know* the way the drugs mess with your head and make it feel like a Dementor straight out of Harry Potter is following you everywhere. I won't spend more years of my life chasing the next cycle, the next protocol.

Anyway, the outline for the month is as follows: Femara CD3-7, trigger around CD14, IUI around CD16, wait 2 weeks, wash, rinse, repeat. Cheers.

August 08, 2013

*click click click click click*

You know that sound roller coasters make when the train is being pulled to the top of the first hill? That metalic ticking sound that somehow increases the anticipation and anxiety the first time you ride any coaster. Your stomach does flip-flops and your heart starts pounding to the beat of those metallic clinks.

*click click click click click*

Welcome to CD 1. The *last* CD 1. The beginning of the end of my fight for biological children. I've ridden this roller coaster 13 times (not counting non-medicated trips), and I still get a flip-flop in my gut when I crest the top of the first hill. Its all anxious anticipation and trying to remain positive because "this time could be it!" and the side effects from the meds haven't quite kicked in yet so you aren't feeling like shit.

One more ride on the 30 day roller coaster and then I can depart the station, get on with whatever is next. I gotta be honest, I'm having a hard time mustering any hope for this cycle. I chose August because nothing important was happening - no holidays or birthdays could be ruined. But then July ended with a bang and I almost quit my job because I was so fed up with how I (and the other secretaries) have been treated over the past 2 years. I'm coming out of two very stressful weeks, still working my job, trying to keep my head up, but actively seeking and applying for new jobs.

Not exactly the mental and emotional state I hoped to be in to launch my final bid for pregnancy. But we do what we must with what we have. So tomorrow morning I'll go in bright and early for an ultrasound, pick up my prescriptions for the crazy pills, and Monday the real fun starts. I'll be sure to document my descent into madness here for all of you. Should know round about Labor Day if it worked or not - oh, the *irony*!

Won't you join me? buckle your seat belts, pull down the lap bar until its snug, and always keep your hands and arms inside the car for your safety (who even listens to that?). And away we go...

*click click click click click click click*