I've learned of two pregnancies today. One from a Fertile, one from an Infertile. I'm proud of myself for reacting coolly to both, but still so disappointed in myself and my situation. I think bitter thoughts, I compose Face Book status updates that I would never post, I quietly lick my wounds while simultaneously beating myself up.
My fertile friend was very nice about telling me of her pregnancy. Much better than with her first pregnancy. Oh yes, this is her second child. Her first born is 7 months old. She conceived again when he wasn't even 6 months old. Yep, she's breastfeeding too, which I always heard was a natural fertility suppressor, though not 100% *obviously*.
See, I feel so guilty for that whole paragraph. I'm not spewing vitriol or swearing up a storm - I am handling this on the outside in a rather zen fashion. But that paragraph only scratches the tip of the iceberg of rotten thoughts that run unbidden through my mind. When I first read her announcement, my knee jerk reaction was: "Jeez, *already*? Save some babies for the rest of us, huh?" And I immediately felt ashamed and stupid. She could have a litter of children and it wouldn't impact my chances of getting pregnant the tiniest bit. So why do I have these thoughts?
She's a fabulous mother, she was practically born prepared to handle children. Its not like she's the crack whore down the street having her fifth welfare baby. I think, belonging to this community, though, I don't just feel things for myself, I feel them on behalf of IFs everywhere. I feel protective of everyone I know (and those I don't know) who is battling this same war with me. Yes, my fertile friend is a wonderful mother and strongly feels the call to be a parent, but what about us? What about all the strong, intelligent, awesome women I know, who feel the call to be a mother in their *bones*, and can't seem to get their take-home baby? Why is my fertile friend allowed to realize her dreams while others aren't?
I believe that everyone in life has their own cross to bear. Just because you don't know what another person's burden is, doesn't mean its not there. Clearly we have all been given the cross of infertility, but I imagine you all have other burdens, much like I do, that seem to heap up on top of the already painful and emotional struggle with IF. So when my beautiful friend, with the wonderful husband who has a *fabulous* and very well paying job, conceives her second child in just over a year from the conception of the first child, I am left wondering what cross she's bearing. And then I judge myself harshly for thinking that, for wondering whether the baby will be healthy, will someone get sick, will her husband die - what cross is she or will she bear that will somehow make me feel like good and ill were meted out equally to us both???
And then I judge myself some more because it sounds like I *want* bad things to happen to her. Which I definitely do not, she is my friend after all. Life isn't fair, so maybe she will have a fabulous, easy life, while I deal with IF, money issues, and all the many and varied increased risks for serious health problems throughout my life that are just part and parcel with PCOS. And if that's the case, I have to learn how to deal with it. Because thinking mean thoughts and hating Fertiles isn't going to change anything (I don't *hate* Fertiles, but you see what I mean). And it doesn't make me feel better, it makes things worse because then I feel guilty.
Some people contract deadly forms of cancer and somehow remain serene about their lot. They don't bitterly remind people they are dying all the time, they allow others to simply be. And then, some people contract the same cancer and become bitter towards everyone and everything, and I don't blame them. But how does one become the serene person, accepting their fate and not the bitter person that everyone pities, but also avoids. And don't those cancer patients have it way worse than me, so what the hell am I complaining about? I think this is why Mel says no one wins when you play the Pain Olympics...
Am I too hard on myself? I'm just trying not to become some horrible, demoralized, bitter, rotten human being that nobody wants to be around. Its bad enough that I basically *am* that person one day every month, when I get my negative pregnancy test.
There's not much to distract me from my dissatisfaction right now. With no money, no job prospects for M, and a lack of hope for baby making, there's just lots and lots of time to think about how badly I want to move forward in life. Just a small breeze in the sails is all I'm asking for, a *tiny* bit of forward momentum so that I can get my energy and my purpose back. Because what am I working towards day after day if the budget keeps increasing and our income stays the same? And though the newspaper claims our state is in need of college educated workers, no one calls M for an interview? And with no children or money, why even hope for a house someday? Does my Fertile friend have the right dream and I have the wrong one?
I feel adrift on the sea of life and when I look up for guidance, there's no clear answer.