March 09, 2012

Standing on the Brink

I just filled my clomid prescription... Am I really ready for this ride again?

I'm standing on a precipice and I have no idea where the bottom is. Am I ready for this? I'm so excited to get back to actively trying to build our family, but also filled with trepidation. I'm not as naive as I was a year ago (and I honestly don't think I was that naive back then), I know there could still be a long road ahead.

I told an IRL friend that I was really looking forward to this cycle and she warned me not to get my hopes too high. Ha! Rookie mistake, right? I told her that I've long since given up on active hope - that just doesn't exist anymore. But there's this...passive hope, that will never really go away. I can push it down and shove it in some small dark corner of my mind, but its never going to be 100% gone. Its that passive hope that brings the tears even when I get a BFN that I was expecting.

Am I ready for my daily life to be consumed with all things fertility again? I have 3 appointments in a week...that's crazy to me! We are rising to a new level of intensity. I know this is a necessary step because all these extra appointments will give us a wealth of information about my cycles and how I react to the medicine, but wow! And to think, I'm not even in the deep end yet. I think if we go with an IUI this cycle we'll be hovering about the point in the pool where my head goes underwater (but I'm only 5'3", so that's not very deep).

I wish "normals" could understand how much bravery is required to go through fertility treatments month after month. We put our hearts out there time and again, fully acknowledging we could be crushed, but knowing that its so worth it if we come out the other side one day with our take home baby. And for those who never reach that goal, it only intensifies how much strength and bravery they possess.

I stand at the top of the rabbit hole, peering down into oblivion. But at least this time I feel like I have a parachute of sorts. So what am I afraid of? Just take a deep breath and jump. Pop that first pill, and away we go...

Bottoms up, Alice.


  1. Welcome once again to Wonderland. It takes a lot of bravery to enter this world again, I agree with everything you've said. I hate when 'normals' say things like "why don't you just do IVF?" Oh, okay! I'll 'just' do it. They have no idea what goes on during an infertility cycle. I'm so envious of that.

    Hoping that wonderland treats you well this time around!

  2. GOOD LUCK with this cycle. I love this: "I wish "normals" could understand how much bravery is required to go through fertility treatments month after month." I hope you never have to venture to the deep deep end and that the 5'3" depth works for you. Definitely give yourself credit for how intense a medicated cycle is, even though there are tougher treatments out there.

  3. [smiling broadly like the Cheshire cat] Welcome back m'dear.

    Deep breaths and take it day by day. Clomid was not my friend but I think if you know in advance the effects it may have- you'll be 5 steps ahead of the game. There is something to be said for being able to be hopeful again too. I know we all take 'hope' with a grain of salt these days, but damnit if it doesn't feel good. I will hope right along side of you.

  4. Oh, good luck with starting the medication again---I agree with your sentiments about wishing the "normals" would understand what is required to do infertility treatments. It DOES take bravery. I admire it :)

  5. Ooh, that reminds me, have you heard the version of "White Rabbit" from Sucker Punch? It's amazing. Hope the clomid treats you well and does what it's supposed to!

    1. Oh I love the original by Jefferson Airplane, so I will definitely check this one out!

  6. It does take bravery to keep putting your heart on the line, over and over. That passive hope is so freaking sneaky, because even when you feel like you have no hope you know it's still lurking there. In any case, good luck with the Clomid! I hope you get a good number of follicles!!

  7. You make a really good point there about the difference between active and passive hope. Like with you, active hope is LONG gone for me, but I still have passive hope or else I wouldn't be getting ready to start IVF.