I just filled my clomid prescription... Am I really ready for this ride again?
I'm standing on a precipice and I have no idea where the bottom is. Am I ready for this? I'm so excited to get back to actively trying to build our family, but also filled with trepidation. I'm not as naive as I was a year ago (and I honestly don't think I was that naive back then), I know there could still be a long road ahead.
I told an IRL friend that I was really looking forward to this cycle and she warned me not to get my hopes too high. Ha! Rookie mistake, right? I told her that I've long since given up on active hope - that just doesn't exist anymore. But there's this...passive hope, that will never really go away. I can push it down and shove it in some small dark corner of my mind, but its never going to be 100% gone. Its that passive hope that brings the tears even when I get a BFN that I was expecting.
Am I ready for my daily life to be consumed with all things fertility again? I have 3 appointments in a week...that's crazy to me! We are rising to a new level of intensity. I know this is a necessary step because all these extra appointments will give us a wealth of information about my cycles and how I react to the medicine, but wow! And to think, I'm not even in the deep end yet. I think if we go with an IUI this cycle we'll be hovering about the point in the pool where my head goes underwater (but I'm only 5'3", so that's not very deep).
I wish "normals" could understand how much bravery is required to go through fertility treatments month after month. We put our hearts out there time and again, fully acknowledging we could be crushed, but knowing that its so worth it if we come out the other side one day with our take home baby. And for those who never reach that goal, it only intensifies how much strength and bravery they possess.
I stand at the top of the rabbit hole, peering down into oblivion. But at least this time I feel like I have a parachute of sorts. So what am I afraid of? Just take a deep breath and jump. Pop that first pill, and away we go...
Bottoms up, Alice.