Musings

I laid in bed last night, thinking about how detached I feel about this cycle. If I didn't keep my clomid on my bedside table, I doubt I'd remember to take it. I still haven't ordered my Ovidrel shot and I need it by Friday.

This weekend I co-hosted a bridal shower. It went very well and it was fun, but by the time I got everything cleaned up and back home I was *exhausted*. I seriously did very little else for the rest of the weekend. Sometimes, in my laziness, I think to myself "afternoons like this aren't possible once you have a baby. Or at least, that's what everyone makes you think."

I laid in bed last night and really thought about everything. Mentally, I'm ready for a baby, but it feels like everything else in my life is *not* ready. Financially and property-wise, we are not ready for a baby. And I am of the opinion that there is never a "good" time to have kids, there's always something else you could try to perfect: your career, your financial stability, your health, your home - you just have to take the plunge anyway because nothing in life is perfect or perfectly timed. But I can accept that its probably a good thing I haven't gotten pregnant yet because then M would feel even more pressure to find a job (and really, what more can he do??) and we would have a million things to worry about.

I think what bothers me is the passage of time and the fact that I always wanted to be a young-ish mother. My mom was 27 when I was born, and I am the baby of the family. I think I clung to that number without realizing it. 27 is a great age to be a mom. I have wonderful memories of my mom playing with me, teaching me things, and as I grew up, she never seemed *old* to me. My mom is 55 and people still comment on how she seems so young to be a grandmother. I like that no one mistook my parents for my *grandparents* at any of my graduations. So I guess I have this *thing* about young-ish parenting. I don't mean to say I judge women for becoming mothers in their 30's and 40's because I don't at all! I just had hoped I would have a parenting experience much like my mom has had with me.

This might not make sense to anyone but me, but I'm not really that upset that I'm not pregnant yet. I'm more scared about what that means for the future and what I had built in my mind as far as my parenting expectations. When I finally have a baby, will I have enough energy to chase after them day after day? Will I be young enough to fit in with other moms? Will my child's friends mistake me for an elderly relative because I'm not the "typical" mom age?

Do these sound like petty, superficial concerns? I probably shouldn't be considering them at all, I feel like I don't have the luxury to entertain these silly little concerns. Just worry about having a living baby and forget the rest. But its all the rest that I'm really hung up on. I don't know, I don't think I'm expressing myself well today, but I had to get these thoughts out. I talked to God and said "I understand that you only want what is best for me, and clearly that has not meant children up til now. Its just hard to let go of the way I had hoped my life would be. I don't really know what I hope for anymore."

Yes I do, a job for M.