The Party's Over

Spotting started early, but was very light. True to my word, I tested Thursday. And as a testament to my emotional detachment from this cycle, I didn't bat an eye. I had actually told M several days before testing that this cycle was over and it was time to get serious about researching adoption.

So that's that.

We may or may not have a WTF meeting with Dr. B, totally up to M. All I know is, I GET TO GO BACK ON BIRTH CONTROL AND SPIRONOLACTONE!!! WOO HOO!!!!

And in and amongst all the usual IF crazy is aaaaaalllllll the crazy about my job: I was threatened, I quit, I came forward to HR about the toxic work environment, some co-workers came forward, then more co-workers, lots of meetings, I requested to rescind my resignation, got my job back, and now it looks as though major changes are taking place in my department.

It has been a positively *weird* couple of weeks, that's for sure.

And Now Back to Our Regular Programming

Sorry about the black out. Not sure what that looked like on your end, but I changed my viewers to only me while I waited out a situation. I really don't want to get into it because it is too involved, too bizarre, and not over yet. Maybe someday (in like a year) I can explain myself.

So where were we? Oh - 7 DPIUI. And let me tell you, this 2WW is *flying* by because I have so much more on my mind than symptom spotting. Seriously, quitting your job with little notice does wonders to distract you from IF! I have zero symptoms, but happily am not spotting yet, so I'll take it. I can't tell if I had bad side effects from the trigger shot again because with or without it, I was crying every day this week anyway. Again, long, bizarre story for another time.

I found out my health insurance lasts through the end of September, so that's good news for the parallel universe me who might actually get a BFP out of this cycle. In a perfect world, I won't need to worry about changing insurance companies because I will quickly pick up a new job at the same place. Buuuut, we'll see.

I completely forget what the dosage of my trigger shot was and how long I have to wait to test accurately and not get a false positive. I definitely want to test before next weekend because we're celebrating my mom's birthday. So I think I'll try to hold out until next Friday, but if I start spotting I'll test on Thursday. Very important to get a conciliatory alcoholic beverage on board as soon as possible to avert a total meltdown.

I'll keep y'all posted, but I'm not expecting much.

Cheers!

Final IUI

Not to say that I will never, ever go back to medicated cycles, but it is final for a long time if not ever. M's pat went just fine, we got breakfast afterward, and headed back to the hospital for my part. Dr. B (I guess the secretary got confused when she told me it would be the Guru on Saturday?) had some trouble navigating the catheter into my cervix, but eventually got it. M's washed number was 95 million, which was up from that last time. Actually, each time we have done an IUI, M's numbers have gone up - interesting.

I obediently laid there for 6 minutes after the procedure. Then we were up and off. Didn't lay low the rest of the day - we had a full schedule. I am only just now sitting down in my own home again and that's just because I got extremely low blood sugar after being at Ale Fest all afternoon. So cross your fingers and toes for me because in 2 weeks, about the same time I lose my insurance, I will find out if this worked. Thank GOD my husband has insurance that can pick me up.

A Very Strange Day

You don't wake up on a random Thursday morning expecting that your entire professional life will come crashing down around you. But that's exactly what happened to me. In 12 hours I went from having a job (but actively seeking other employment), to being threatened with a piece of information off the internet and needing to make a quick decision by the following morning, to putting my 2 week notice in, over the phone, to the man who was trying to destroy my credibility and career. The mind boggles.

Before all that BS went down, I had my u/s. It went very well, my lead follie *did* grow right on schedule :-D I was told to trigger that night and given my Saturday morning IUI appointment times. And so continues my final medicated cycle. It feels...small, in comparison to everything else that has just happened. But that may be a good thing. Keep my head on straight, ya know? Perspective and all that. I'll update tomorrow night. Hoping the TARDIS socks my best friend bought me will bring me luck tomorrow morning in the stirrups!

The Long, Dark Tea Time of the Soul

Props to anyone who knows the reference in the title ;-)

This is going to be.... an unholy mess of a post, apologies.

Had my mid-cycle ultrasound today. The front-runner follicle was 14mm. I have no idea what the next closest few were. It doesn't matter. Last cycle at this time a had a 17 and two 16's - as if that did me any good; still not pregnant. They asked that I come in for another ultrasound later in the week. Just in case. They don't want to tell me to trigger and all that when maybe nothing will happen. Oh yeah, cause that would suck - going to *all that trouble* and then nothing happens...

Oh wait - that's every cycle. It doesn't matter if I had gold star follies. Doesn't matter if M's sample had record numbers. NOTHING HAPPENS.

I'm frustrated. To say the least. I find it interesting that I am, and have been, ovulating ever since my surgery, but no dice. And yet, no further testing is suggested. No one has even mentioned male factor since our initial appointment. There are a million different, little things that could be wrong with M's sperm and we would never know because we've just had a basic semen analysis done. But nobody mentions it. The closest thing to a novel idea I have heard was the Guru's revelation to me of other "options" besides IVF.

I'm done, y'all. I'm not saying modern medicine has failed me, but I certainly feel like my doctors are failing me. And they are the best in the area according to "everyone". I'm sick and tired of crying, and blaming myself, and blaming God, and hating my reproductive organs. This is no way to live a life and certainly no way to try to bring new life in. I don't even want to hear their schpeal about modified protocols. It can't possibly raise my chances to a percentage that would make it worth while to me.

I came home from the hospital and cried, like I always do. Because I can lie to myself all I want about how little I care if this works. The truth will out in the ultrasound room. I looked for hope, I scraped about for something happy. I've got nothing left but frustration and heartache towards infertility treatments.

At home, my Portals of Prayer book that has been gathering dust on the hall table fell to the floor when I set my purse down. I flipped through it, looking for guidance. I keep asking God to tell me what He wants me to do - I don't care what it is anymore, just tell me!! I mulled over things for a while, asking myself various questions, reading, thinking. I think - in matters of one's mission in life - sorrow, trials, and soldiering on are expected (from a Christian perspective). But, who ever said that biological procreation was anyone's mission in life - their purpose for being here? "Be fruitful and multiply, sure - but I tried! I tried and tried! I don't think God means for me to be heavy-hearted and sometimes miserable in my pursuit of a family. He has clearly provided other options, which I am not opposed to. I thought on this, and a quiet peacefulness laid on me. I stopped crying.

I've got another post percolating.... I want to write about how much I'm looking forward to being a mom and introducing my kid to all things geek. We're big time geeks, I'm proud to say. I'm a book nerd, M is a gamer geek, and we both enjoy sci-fi and fantasy movies and tv shows (unfortunately we don't often agree on *what* shows and movies). I need to think on it some more though...

Cheers

There are Options?

People really should not attempt to communicate with me in a meaningful way before I've had my coffee, as a general rule. But an early appointment and lack of coffee were unavoidable this morning, so my brain was very hazy as the Guru talked at me after my ultrasound. Ovaries and Uterus are doing fine, behaving themselves while still denying me a baby, whatever. The Guru went over this cycle's protocol with me and reminded me we could do this same thing for another IUI before moving on to something else. I assured him that Dr. B and I have been talking and after Femera+Ovidrel and IUI there's no where else to go really other than IVF, and that's my line in the sand.

I spoke very simply and matter-of-fact-ly about all this. The Guru still gave me a canned speech about success rates with IVF and how its between 80 and 90% when you include one FET after an initial fresh IVF cycle, blah blah blah. I know they think they are being helpful, but seriously - do they think I am making my decision lightly? Without having done tons of reading and discussing and weighing of costs and benefits? It took me 6 *months* to buy a car after mine was unceremoniously totaled. I do not make my choices in life lightly.

So I kind of mentally checked out (more than I already was from the lack of caffeine) while he nattered on about statistics and such. Then he went into a small tangent about some other supposed "options" I had besides IVF. Now, my ears perked a bit, but I just couldn't get the gears in my brain to turn fast enough to *really* follow what he was saying. Something about continuing IUIs but adding other meds on top of Femara and a trigger. Things like sterioids and androgen blockers and honest to God that's all I can remember. But this is the first I am hearing of these "personalized" protocols and I don't know how to feel about it. I'm a little annoyed - why has this never been mentioned before?? I'm a little apathetic - who cares, I made up my mind that this is it a long time ago. I'm a little confused - does this change the plan? Does it change how I feel about giving up on modern medicine for procreation?

And the answer is the same for every emotion and question: I don't know. I don't even want to more deeply consider these thoughts at the moment because the rumination may be pointless in the end. If I have strong emotional reactions to the drugs again, then I know in my bones I will be done after this cycle. I'm tired of my entire world turning into a house of horrors for 30 days at a time. I wish there was a female doctor in the practice because I wonder if she would be more understanding when I say "An 80% success rate at what cost to my mental health?". These men have never *taken* the drugs they prescribe. They observe, but do not personally *know* the way the drugs mess with your head and make it feel like a Dementor straight out of Harry Potter is following you everywhere. I won't spend more years of my life chasing the next cycle, the next protocol.

Anyway, the outline for the month is as follows: Femara CD3-7, trigger around CD14, IUI around CD16, wait 2 weeks, wash, rinse, repeat. Cheers.

*click click click click click*

You know that sound roller coasters make when the train is being pulled to the top of the first hill? That metalic ticking sound that somehow increases the anticipation and anxiety the first time you ride any coaster. Your stomach does flip-flops and your heart starts pounding to the beat of those metallic clinks.

*click click click click click*

Welcome to CD 1. The *last* CD 1. The beginning of the end of my fight for biological children. I've ridden this roller coaster 13 times (not counting non-medicated trips), and I still get a flip-flop in my gut when I crest the top of the first hill. Its all anxious anticipation and trying to remain positive because "this time could be it!" and the side effects from the meds haven't quite kicked in yet so you aren't feeling like shit.

One more ride on the 30 day roller coaster and then I can depart the station, get on with whatever is next. I gotta be honest, I'm having a hard time mustering any hope for this cycle. I chose August because nothing important was happening - no holidays or birthdays could be ruined. But then July ended with a bang and I almost quit my job because I was so fed up with how I (and the other secretaries) have been treated over the past 2 years. I'm coming out of two very stressful weeks, still working my job, trying to keep my head up, but actively seeking and applying for new jobs.

Not exactly the mental and emotional state I hoped to be in to launch my final bid for pregnancy. But we do what we must with what we have. So tomorrow morning I'll go in bright and early for an ultrasound, pick up my prescriptions for the crazy pills, and Monday the real fun starts. I'll be sure to document my descent into madness here for all of you. Should know round about Labor Day if it worked or not - oh, the *irony*!

Won't you join me? buckle your seat belts, pull down the lap bar until its snug, and always keep your hands and arms inside the car for your safety (who even listens to that?). And away we go...

*click click click click click click click*

The Final Countdown

And now this will be stuck in your head for the rest of the day - you're welcome. (Any Arrested Development viewers in the audience? ...Bueller?)

Well sports fans, we're in the home stretch. This is my last cycle on break and then we try one more IUI. After that I get to crawl into my cocoon for however long I feel like and emerge as a beautiful pursuing-adoption-butterfly or a living-child-free-without-regrets-butterfly. Hmm, that metaphor kind of got away from me...

Anyway - I had AF back on like the 5th or something, so let's call that CD1. That puts me at CD11 today. My non-medicated cycles are always weak and wimpy and therefore peppered with lots of random spotting. Generally, I start spotting after ovulation right up to AF which tapers off into spotting for a few days. So I pretty much spot for 3 weeks in a row and then get a week off. Its *super* fun, lemmetellya. I had *finally* stopped spotting after AF back on the 11th-ish only to find this morning that it has started back up. Weak. Ass. Ovaries. ::sigh::

I am trying very hard to not start the negative thinking about my last medicated cycle. I really do want this to be as smooth and emotionless as possible. This cycle is a means of closure and the opening of all the other possibilities for my life. I can get my body back and start to feel more like ME, not me-with-PCOS-and-IF.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate the responses on my last two posts. They have really *really* helped me work through some of the emotional skeletons in my closet. I have a lot of fears and anxieties regarding choosing one of the paths less traveled in life (both adopting and living child-free) and it is a big relief to be able to put those doubts into words in a safe space where I am supported. Most people don't have to think this much about where their life is going or have to deliberately make such HUGE decisions. Infertility has made me so much better at using my critical thinking skills on my own life and making (hopefully) responsible choices.

After August, I don't really know what will happen with this space. I know I will never stop blogging since I have journaled from age 12. And, probably, I will continue to talk about PCOS and IF sometimes - they never really stop having an impact on a person's life. But I think, also, I will blog about my ongoing search for what's next. It might be a year or more before I make a firm decision to move forward into one of the other "rooms" of the Stirrup Queens' blogroll. In the mean time, I'll just be kicking around in the hallway, saying hi to those who pass by. I am praying for peace in my heart with whatever happens from now on. Praying for guidance to where I am meant to go. And praying for the wisdom to recognize the signs that will lead me there.

When Enough is Enough

I have been debating the end of the line for a long time now (obviously). I think halfway through my cycle in March is when I really started to let go and grieve for the biological child(ren) I will never have. Which is an awkward mental position to be in when you know you intend on doing a couple more medicated cycles. Mental gymnastics is not new to anyone this far down the IF road, though.

The *when* and the *how* of moving on is tricky, unfortunately. I had a sort of self-made road block in the form of stopping before IVF. I didn't always know IVF was too much for me, but I figured it out before it became my only option, which is good. And it felt like that decision made life less chaotic. I knew exactly when I would stop TTC: when IVF became my only real option. However, I didn't consider whether I could make it to that critical point. I guess I didn't think the well of my emotional fortitude would run dry in advance of the so-called "end".

So I've kicked around these thoughts - ruminated on them to see how they taste. And finally, after finding my footing, I brought the issue up with M. He never expresses much of an opinion on the topic of our IF struggle and if/how we will have kids. I don't know if its because he doesn't want me to feel pressured by his opinions or if its because he could be happy no matter what happens - his reasoning is something he discusses even less often than his opinions. I asked him how he would feel if I went back on birth control and all my other pre-TTC meds. He said that he would respect my choice, that medicated cycles are much, much harder on me than on him, but he does not feel ready to quit. I asked how much more was he wanting to do. He would like to finish out the IUIs we had planned on doing this year.

I'm glad he said that, in a way. Just *thinking* about doing 2 IUIs before the end of the year conjured up a million different negative emotions and images for me. I officially have no good or positive feelings left about TTC; at least, not TTC in the way that we have to do it. My mind cannot think or focus on the hopeful, positive outcome - it only dwells on the inevitable and the fact that I sign my happiness away for 30 days. For nothing. For more of the same: B.F.N (emphasis on the F). And I'm sick of all that sadness being the ghost at the party for any special occasions that happen to fall within those 30 days. I could only think of 1 month that would not be an emotional land-mine field if we did a cycle: August. That's it.

I explained all this to M and we came to a compromise. One more IUI, in August of course. He says that last cycle will be enough to give him closure on this phase of our lives and then we can move forward into whatever comes next. For me, that will involve continuing to help my family navigate the new and scary reality of my mom in a wheelchair and slowly researching adoption. I will not make any decisions until I know for absolute certain how M feels about adoption. I think I could be fine no matter what we choose to do after ending TTC. Life is full just as it is, there is no gaping hole for a child to fill, and that's never been why I wanted a child in the first place.

I'm sorry my posts have been very scant recently. There is so much going on in my family and my life and none of it particularly relating to infertility. I try to keep this blog focused on my broken lady parts and hypothetical children. If anyone is still out there, I appreciate you sticking around. I do follow all your stories, just being derelict in my commenting duties. Some day I will get back to business as usual - pinky swear!

Standing at the End of the Road with Nothing in My Hands

This cycle failed so spectacularly. More than I was prepared for. I spotted so early. It was so obvious there was no room for even the tiniest hope. And I cried more over this failure than the last several put together. I couldn't tell you why.

I didn't think these last three cycles would be so painful. I thought I had perfected a certain level of emotional detachment. I can't seem to bury my hope and optimism deep enough, they still reach out to hurt me. I am so raw sometimes I wish I was on a deserted island. I want so badly to reach out, to my husband, to my friends, to my family. But what's the point? There are no words that make this better or bearable. I've never tried so hard at something I have sucked *so bad* at in my life.

And a part of me beats myself up for getting so upset over this. This is the *absence* of something - no one has hurt me, nothing has been done to me. Sorrow over something that has never existed is too abstract. There is real pain in the world, pain I will hopefully never know. I beat myself up for every useless tear. Being sad doesn't help anything and I should know better by now. M doesn't know what to do with me. He holds me and tells me he loves me, but he doesn't pretend to understand.

I don't think I'm afraid of living "child free". I'm afraid of living child free in a world that is very judgmental of that life. At a certain age "Are you married?" and "Do you have kids?" become some of the first questions asked upon meeting. And people make immediate assumptions when you say you don't have any kids. Some of those assumptions can be pretty mean. I can't control what other people think, I know that. And I shouldn't let it upset me because whatever they think, they are probably dead wrong. I know that too. But I didn't *choose* this life. It chose me. And that makes me very insecure. There's a big club that 80% of women in the world are a part of, and it is looking like I will be banned.

I honestly don't know if I can do this for another 2 cycles. I'm not stupid - nothing has worked up til now, there isn't any reason why it should the next time. There is no reason I know of why I shouldn't be pregnant, and yet I'm NOT. And my odds don't change based on how many cycles I do. It will always hover around 15%, more or less.  Its not like I'm getting all of my failures out of the way and there is definitely a BFP at the end of this road.

The end of the road...I thought the end was still in my future, but maybe it is my present. I just don't know if I have it in me to face more self-induced heart-ache. I want to live without this millstone around my heart, weighing down everything else in my life until all I can see is what I *don't* have. I don't know how some people manage to keep at this for years on end. Shouldn't I cut my losses and run while my soul is cracked in big enough pieces to still glue back together?

Downhill

The TWW is hard - we all know that. I struggle with the first week because nothing happens that gives me any clues and I just have to reiterate to myself that there is a greater chance it *didn't* work than that it *did*. Then we get to 7DPO (or DPIUI as I am counting this cycle). I can start spotting as early as halfway through my TWW. I always *always* spot before AF arrives, just sometimes sooner and other times later. I had a weird pinch-y cramping yesterday in the area of my uterus. Then later that day, there was a teeny bit of pinkish-red blood when I wiped. My first thought was "Well, that was over fast", followed quickly by "But it could be *implantation* spotting!", remembering the weird cramps. This, however, was followed even more quickly by "Hahaha, God that is so stupid."

I dutifully headed to the lab for my progesterone blood draw this morning. The paperwork for this lab was folded up with optional lab work next week for a beta. As if I will *ever* be using that. When I went to the restroom later in the morning, there was more spotting. Guess its all downhill from here, folks.

In a way, its sort of convenient that my body gives me signals it has failed early. I have time to get used to the idea before the dreaded morning when I have to pee on a stick so I can gulp my conciliatory glass of wine guilt-free. Its not like if I wasn't spotting right now I would be living on hopes and dreams that this cycle worked. I would just be even more vigilant to remind myself that statistics are not on my side.

On the other hand, its very frustrating to be pretty certain you are not pregnant and yet to continue to deny yourself alcohol; especially when a day at work leaves you weighing the odds on homicide vs. developing a drinking problem. ::sigh:: It will be over soon enough I guess.

cheers.

I Should Be Pre-Emptively Caged

I have really...*strong* reactions to fertility drugs. The side effects always seem amplified for me. I've known a couple women IRL who used HCG shots and they didn't have any noticeable side effects. But me? Well, right now its kinda like this:

Add some rage and then sobbing uncontrollably and you'll have a good idea of how my day has gone today. Damn HCG shot. And I'm only 4DPIUI and the shot will probably be in my system for another 3 days or so. Three more days of an un-caged crazy person. Good times for *everybody*!

I'd love to regale you with symptom spotting, hopeful thinking, and random factoids like what my potential due date is, but that's just not me anymore. I think I felt my boob twinge on Sunday or something. I'm out of HPTs and I'm struggling to decide whether to buy a box or just wait for AF. I HATE using pee sticks, I really do. But, AF always takes her sweet time to show up and I depend on alcohol as my crutch through the end of a failed cycle...just can't decide.

I really expected this TWW to fly by because of how insanely busy I am at work, but actually it is dragging *desperately* slow.

Lesson: Don't Complain

My IUI was scheduled for 10am. Around 10:50 the doctor was finally in the room.

On a normal day, I would be fine. I get it - shit happens, its people's health we are talking about after all. Besides, both my parents are nurses, I *know* how crazy the schedule can be.

But today I had a lot more going on besides the IUI. In fact, overall, the IUI was a major inconvenience in my day. Today is my mom's last day of work. She was laid off from a job she LOVES and has performed exceptionally at for over 10 years. This is a very hard blow for her and the rest of the family. So yeah, the IUI was really not my focus today. I needed to go buy my mom flowers and take them to my sister's house and then go in to work (which has been insane), but the delay was eating into all my spare time.

So I may have been a little snippy when Dr. B finally came in and I asked if they were really backed up because my appointment time was actually an hour ago. Cue brief story about two women who's lives were basically ruined this morning: one lost her early pregnancy and one might have uterine cancer. And that's why the doctor was late. And I'm the bitch who complained.

Lesson learned: NEVER COMPLAIN.

Anyway, the IUI itself went fine. 45 million washed, wiggly sperm - I told them Bon Voyage. Overall we didn't break the bank on this either: $210 for collection, wash, and analysis, $185 for insemination, $52 for the Ovidrel.

I was also anxious because M was with me, but he had to leave by 11 to go to work and for some reason it is very important to me that he be there for my IUIs. At least then I can say he was definitely present when I got pregnant (oh isn't that *cute*, I made an assumption I will ever be pregnant). It got really close with how delayed everything was, but M was able to stay. Although he left while I was still on the table watching the egg timer tick down.

If I get pregnant, I will know by Easter and, more importantly, M's birthday. But the more likely scenario is that on Maundy Thursday or Good Friday I will start spotting. I will have myself a cry, hate everything for a few hours, and avoid church (which is a lousy thing to do, but Good Friday service is the LAST thing I want to sit through when I'm already feeling so low). Hopefully by Easter I will be ready to smile again and move on.

Cheers, everyone!

Quick Update

Did my trigger shot last night around 9:30. Happy birthday to me ;-) IUI is tomorrow morning at 10! Part of me is getting excited and another part of me is hanging back and acting like everything I am doing is part of some ridiculous hobby. "Oh, shooting myself up with hormones? Yeah, its like fishing for me. I probably won't catch anything, but I'm having fun anyway, you know?"

No, it is not fun. But if that kind of mindset keeps me from being depressed, then I'll go with it. At this point, I don't even know what I would do if I got a positive pregnancy test. I've worked SO HARD over the past year to not allow my life to revolve around my IF treatments or planning for any "what if" children that a BFP would probably knock me on my ass and it would take me quite a while to adjust my thinking.

And that's another reason why it is easier to go through a medicated cycle assuming that absolutely nothing will come of it. Because 80% or more of the time, I will be correct.

I like being right, even when its wrong. That's deep.

So Happy Together

I take it back. I take back every bad thing I said about Femara. I'm fully converted and ready to skip through a field of daisies with my new best friend!

Why, you may ask? Why the sudden change when only a few days ago I cursed the name Femara?

Well, first of all, I'm extremely hormonal; so its to be expected that my mood will swing from spitting vitriol to hugs and kisses and ponies. Second of all, I had my mid cycle ultrasound this morning, on CD12. The right ovary is doing nothing, just chilling. But the left, Oh The Left!! Three BIG, JUICY (ew) follicles :-D Two 17mm and one 16mm. The nurse said this is an amazing response for Femara because they expect to see only one *maybe* two good follies. But *three*?? Three amazing, stupendous, GINORMOUS (for me, this early in the cycle anyway) follies? Its like a dream come true :-) I wanted to yell a big "Fuck yeah!" right there in the exam room.

So the plan for the rest of the week is trigger Wednesday night (my birthday, so maybe there will be good luck? As opposed to the last two years of cycles on my birthday...) and IUI Friday morning. This is going to be an expensive cycle because we're having M's sample analyzed again for morphology etc. I want to make sure his stats are still good enough that we aren't throwing away money on more medicated cycles. However, thanks to M's job, we have a Flex Spending Account where we've been squirreling away money each paycheck. So there's a few hundred dollars in it to help off-set the costs of the IUI.

My appointment this morning has put me in a great mood. I can even forget about the Hell-on-Earth experience that was my trip this past weekend. I can even forgive the fact I am turning 29 (just gonna keep claiming 28 for a few years more) and my birthday plans are completely jacked. Huzzah!

Wherein My Body Likes to Fuck With Me...

"Take Femara", they said. "Its SOO much better than clomid", they said.

Well you know what my body has to say to that?

Yeah...

I'm guessing at this point that my body revels in experiencing side effects out of the pure sadistic pleasure of watching me suffer. Or would that be masochistic...? The hot flashes started two nights ago. Two nights of lousy sleep so far. Also, M has been witness to some pretty amusing mood swings where I have thrown my phone and cursed like a sailor one minute and snuggled lovingly with him the next. He's old hat at the Jekyll and Hyde routine now, so these things don't even phase him.

I think the lynch pin that causes my side effects to go from "annoying" to "RUINING MY LIFE" is the lack of sleep. When I don't sleep well, things get weird *fast* because my thoughts get disjointed and irrational. One of these days M is going to find me frantically circling random letters in the newspaper and stringing a room with yarn making non-existent connections between current events. The aliens *are* coming ladies and gentlemen, please don your aluminum foil hats now:

Does anybody else have such a severe reaction to poor sleep? Anyone? ...Bueller?

Compounding the run-of-the-mill, infertility-medicine-induced crazy is a family trip I'm taking this weekend. My entire family (including my sometimes-belligerantly-grumpy dad and often-Debbie-downer brother) is sojourning North to visit our extended family for a long weekend. Now, I love my immediate family. And I *love* my extended family. But we are some jacked-up people who, 80% of the time, do a good job at pretending we all just waltzed out of a Norman Rockwell painting. The other 20% of the time? I couldn't say, I'm very good at suppressing memories ::crazed grin:: I'm just praying this is a pleasant trip with minimal drama and I can get back to my regularly scheduled level of crazy on Monday.

And Lord, please grant me some decent sleep before I accuse the cat of plotting to kill us. Oh wait... he is!

We Are a Go

Alright, kiddies, we're officially back in the swing of things.

In approximately 15 days I'll be back up in those oh-so-familiar stirrups for IUI #2. Aunt Flo had to pick the worst day of the week to arrive (Thursday), of course. The RE's office was booked up for Thursday and Friday so I get to wait until Monday (CD5) to get my baseline u/s out of the way. That is also the day I am supposed to start meds, so I get to PRAY that my pharmacy doesn't randomly run out of Femara because I have no room for error. That also gives me only 10 days to get my trigger shot ordered and shipped. Pretty sure that is the minimal amount of time they need. What could *possibly* go wrong, right?? ::panicked smile::

This schedule also inadvertently ruins my birthday plans because by the time I will have an available weekend to get together with friends (read: drink heavily) I will be halfway through my TWW...FML, while we're throwing acronyms around... Who wants to be 29 anyway.

At least I have advanced warning that Easter and the first week of April are going to be touchy, so I should start digging myself a cave to crawl into in the backyard. You know, to protect the public from my post-negative-pregnancy-test, ray-of-freaking-sunshine self:

 Oh grumpy cat, you know just what to say.

I'll be sure to update you all on the Femara side effects. Crossing my fingers that I won't have to endure those memorably horrific hot flashes... I could use your prayers/good vibes/ happy thoughts this month. I don't think I have it in me to be hopeful or think positive. I can get through this if I am as emotionally detached from the process as possible.

So, Is She Better Now?

An interesting, innocent question put to me by a friend this weekend. She was asking about my sister's fertility now that she's had my youngest nephew (let's call him Bear, shall we?).

Is she better now.

Is there such a thing? I can't think of a form of infertility that ever gets permanently "fixed". Endo can always grow back, PCOS only gets worse with age, even male-factor probably doesn't get permanently better after surgery or what have you. This is not the flu. It does not simply get better, go away.

And what if it did? What if there were no such thing as secondary infertility because (for whatever reason) getting pregnant fixed the problem. Would any of us be better? Even if one pregnancy was a cure-all, the emotional and psychological aspects of infertility can't be fixed like that.

Is she better now.

Is she better because now she has two kids instead of one? Because she got a *little* bit closer to that big family of 6 or 7 that she had always dreamed of? Or is she better because its been 3 years since she lost the triplets and maybe an hour slips by that she doesn't think of them and miss them terribly? There is no medicine for that. There is no way to forget the years of heartache and loss. There is no way to fully let go of the fear, even after a positive experience.

When someone cuts your arm off, it does not "get better". It hurts less over time and you learn to adapt to a new way of life. Eventually you can find some humor and some life lessons in the tragedy. But it certainly does not get better; your arm is never coming back.

I know that's not what my friend meant. I know she lives blissfully unaware, in a land where women *plan* to get pregnant, without knowing anything of the intricacies involved in conception, and lo and behold, they do. Two point five kids, evenly spaced out, no more than two years apart. Who *are* these people?

Is she better now.

Is she done trying? Probably not. Will the next attempt be easier because of this last success? Definitely not. But much like losing your arm, the process hurts a little less and she has adapted to this way of life, as we all do, over time. This completely and utterly baffling way of life. I think that's as close to "better" as we can expect to get. What has been done cannot be undone, but the person without his arm soldiers on and so do we.

*****************

I heard a song this morning on the radio. If you go to this site, it is the fourth song down. I stood in the bathroom, curling my hair, with tears in my eyes. But I needed to hear that song. I was in the kitchen a few minutes later when it hit me and I *knew*. 

I know it is already planned out, but its time to try again. I have been afraid of what I might go through this year on my last series of cycles. Everything about what might and might not be has made me apprehensive about going down this road again. But now I'm sure, its time. I need to do this, no matter what the result is. I am ready.

Counting Down to Crazy

This month has been interesting as far as cycling. I did not have very obvious signs and symptoms like last month, but then, my metformin dosing has been all over the place as I struggle to get back up to my full prescription. Maybe that messed things up. At any rate, I noticed the tell-tale reddish-brown tinged CM yesterday, so AF is on her way (however slowly). I expect I'll be able to call the RE's office in early March to start my first IUI cycle. Here we go again, huh?

Fortunately there should be plenty of projects to keep me busy and distracted (and hopefully sane) this spring. I'm finalizing my initial gardening plans and pricing supplies for when M and I go shopping. I have thought long and hard about placement for my garden bed and the compost beds, so that I won't have to move things around in the years to come (hopefully). I am reading and absorbing all the information I can find on sustainable landscaping with native plants. This is my goal for many reasons and they are not all about social concerns and such. Mostly its because I have no faith in my ability to grow fussy little plants and flowers that need to be tended to like a mewling infant to survive in this climate. Also because I am very VERY lazy and cannot be trusted to remember to water houseplants, let alone a great big yard and flower beds. I would like to exert my daily garden efforts on my veggie garden since that will result in food which is a good return for the work.

I think a sustainable, native landscape is a great match for M and I because we are not formal or particular about things. We will be perfectly happy with a yard full of blowsy swaths of this and that, spilling over their beds or growing wherever. This doesn't mean I want my yard to look like chaos; afterall, I am spending a LOT of time planning things out so we can establish a cohesive whole over several years of planting bit by bit. But I don't need or want a formal English garden by any means. Besides, a nice, naturalistic backyard won't show abuse from a dog as much. Oh yes, I am getting a dog this spring.

That's another thing I am researching and planning for well in advance. I grew up with dogs, so I know the effort required to care for them. We have a cat, but cats are more like teenagers in the level of care and involvement required from the parent. Dogs are more like toddlers, I think. And puppies even moreso. Which is why I think we will not be getting a puppy. M and I both work full time with a 35 minute commute. If I leave home at 7:30am and Matt doesn't get home until 4pm at the earliest, that's 8.5 hours the dog will be home alone. Puppies cannot be left that long (not without messy consequences anyway) and I don't want to end up with an ill-mannered dog simply because he isn't exercised as much as he needs. So we have to be careful about the age and energy level of the dog we adopt. There are a couple of rescue shelters in our area and many more if we are willing to drive to one of the greater metropolitan areas near us, so I'm sure will can find a dog that is a great fit. My dream is to adopt something with Hound in it, but I'm flexible.

There's one more little project I'm starting next week and I'm not sure how its going to turn out. ::deep breath:: I've decided to try a Couch to 5K program... I've seen a lot of people in our community, as well as personal friends on FaceBook, give it a try and it seems to be a good program to encourage the simplest form of exercise in people who have zero love for it. I bought some running shoes, downloaded an app on my iPhone, and until the sun starts rising earlier I'll be running on my lunch breaks at the indoor track by my office. My goal is to run in the morning before work and take my dog with me so we *both* get some exercise. If I don't exercise early, it pretty much does not happen because my hair gets messed up/ I have to shower again/ I'll stink for the rest of the day and on and on it goes. I don't have time for all that fussiness. Run in the morning - before my shower - problem solved. I have no clue what I will do when the weather turns cold again... Any suggestions?

A Few of My Favorite Things

And also a couple of things that I don't like. Just for balance, of course!

Can I tell you how much I love Modcloth? For a pear shaped woman clearly born in the wrong decade (if not the wrong *century*!), Modcloth's vintage influenced dresses are a God send. I window shopped their website for MONTHS before I bought my first item - a belt. That's how nervous I am about buying clothes without the ability to try them on. Well, the belt was amazing, so I decided it was worth the risk to ask my husband for a dress for my birthday. It should arrive any day now and I'm on pins and needles to find out if it fits and flatters. If I really love it, I may post a picture.

The other side of the clothing coin is how obnoxiously difficult it can be to find certain items that I know look good on my body type. Pants in particular, again because of the pear-shaped thing. I can't wear 95% of the pant styles out there, including but not limited to: jeggings, super-skinny, skinny, boyfriend cut, flare, ultra-flare, "curvy", and most boot-cuts. I can rock trouser cut and wide-leg. How difficult is it to find trouser cut or wide-leg pants that were not made for middle-aged and older women? So difficult that I have worn my current khakis TO DEATH and have been searching for replacements for over a year. Usually I find something when it has already gone to clearance and they are out of every size except 2 and 20.

Another thing I am growing to love is homemade beauty care stuff. Since converting to the Curly Girl Method of hair care, I have been much more open to exploring other natural/homemade health and beauty treatments. Currently I am trying out washing my face with oil (I swear I am not crazy) and using apple cider vinegar as a toner.

PCOS symptoms force me to think outside the box and get creative about solutions. The acne doesn't respond to typical cleansers and medicines because the root of the issue is my wacky hormones. No matter how I eat or how much I exercise, I am *always* going to be pear-shaped and I will *never* be my ideal weight. So I have to find clothes that work for my body instead of trying to make my body work with certain clothes.

Something else that is growing on me: Sunrises. I used to be a sunset lover and never really understood the appeal of sunrises. Yeah, I knew they were pretty, but they happened "so early" and sunsets are just as pretty if not moreso and I didn't have to adjust my sleep schedule to enjoy them. But now that I am waking up around 6am (soon to be 5am when my office's hours change and I start exercising in the morning), I look forward to sunrise. Sunsets are still lovely, but they are the sign that the day is ending and soon you'll have to go to bed - just think about all the things you needed to do today that you didn't accomplish and now its too late...

I'm struggling to get back up to my full daily dose of metformin. I like that metformin seems to help my PCOS (a teeny tiny bit), but I am obviously not a fan of its side-effect friends. Still, in making an effort to remember to take it regularly, I also have to remember to eat at certain times and be careful about the things I eat, so I suppose overall it is a good thing. An annoying thing, but a good thing.

Three more weeks or so and I'll be starting my IUI cycle...