April 20, 2012

Drill, Baby, Drill

Everyone likes to start their morning by learning they are more broken than they thought and then spending the 30 minute drive to work crying - right?

An ultrasound this morning revealed my fears were well placed (and now I will never let go of my pessimism, as I have been proven right). I am not responding to the clomid. My ovaries made *dozens* of follicles, but no leaders. None bigger than 10 whatever-follicles-are-measured-in's; and that's not good for CD13.

Or should I say CD3? They're all arbitrary at this point anyway, because tonight I start taking 5 days of 150mg of clomid. I have a feeling the hot flashes will be of an intensity heretofore unknown, and that's saying something.

I kept it together in front of Dr. B, didn't freak out during the ultrasound, or the discussion of ovarian drilling. Smiled at the nurses, thanked the secretary for my receipt. Got all the way to the car and called my sister. And *then* I burst into tears. This is coming to soon on the heels of learning that one of my friends is a super-fertile and is pregnant *again*. This is too much heaped on top of all the shit I already feel bad about day after day. That trigger shot will sit in my refrigerator mocking me. Why does this have to be so GODDAMN HARD? I am fighting the hardest, most emotionally draining battle of my LIFE just to ovulate! To say nothing of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and going home with a living baby! My eggs might as well be kept at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, as inaccessible as they are.

I honestly don't even know why I agreed to move forward with this cycle. I don't want to do this. I don't want ten more days of unbearable hot flashes and sleepless nights. What's the point? *Maybe* they will get me to ovulate, but it won't get me pregnant. I have zero hope that I will get pregnant this cycle. So why am I putting myself through this torture? I should just move on to...

Laparoscopic surgery! Where are my Endometriosis sisters? You know what I'm talking about - holla!

Yeah, its not actually that fun or exciting.

When I started TTC, it never crossed my mind, in all my fears of what we would face with infertility, that I might have to have surgery. The doctors use clever language, calling me an "excellent candidate" for the ovarian drilling procedure. What they mean is, my body is broke as fuck and drugs just aren't going to cut it.

Knowing that, I feel like this cycle is a waste. I feel like the past year and 4 months, when I was supposedly "TTC", were a waste. A complete waste of time. Because I trust Dr. B, and even though he says he's willing to wait this cycle out, and try Femara if I want, I know that he thinks the surgery is my best bet and that I will ultimately have to do it whether sooner or later. So why not sooner?

....yeah, why not sooner? You know what, I wasn't thinking of this before I sat down to write, but I really want to cancel this cycle. If I continue on with it, then it will be late May by the time I find out I'm not pregnant (again) and I'll have to wait until after my friend's wedding to get the surgery. But if I scheduled it *now*, I should be able to have it done within the next month and I can get back to (haha, let's be honest - *start*) TTC that much quicker. Man, that's a great idea! Thank you, blog!


  1. I'm sorry you got bad news today. I also can hold it together in public, but as soon as I'm alone will break down. IF is so hard.

    I don't know much about ovarian drilling, and I'm interested to learn what your doctor says and what's involved. Have you had a laparoscopy before? The recovery for mine was unexpectedly long...or maybe my expectations where too high? I don't know. In any case, I would do it when you can take some time off work.

    I hope things start to look up for you soon!

  2. Nothing like writing it out to see how you really feel! I'm so sorry for the bad news though. :/ Ugh. I'm a big believer in doing what you feel is right for you at the present moment and taking it one step at a time. (I'm a real BELIEVER in this, not such a good FOLLOWER of this... haha) Good luck and keep us posted!

  3. I'm so sorry about this news, you know I'm right there with you. Still waiting to see how 150 will work on me, but i agree, the hot flashes really, really suck. I'm thinking of you.

  4. Hi! I found your blog through a comment you left on Lindsay's 'Tiny Bits of Hope.' I am also facing laparoscopic surgery. My husband and I have been ttc since August 2010, started seeing a fertility specialist in November 2011 and have only done lots of tests and ultrasounds (no real treatments yet). As of now, our doctor is pretty sure I have endometriosis and thinks we'll have success with either conceiving naturally or with the help of Clomid (not looking forward to that!) after my laparoscopy. I am looking forward to my surgery, though, because it will clean me out and give us a better chance than we've ever had! What is your timeline for your surgery? I will be having mine in June.

    1. Hello and welcome! Its not official yet, but I should be having my surgery on May 10th and hoping to get back to TTC in July - fingers crossed! Good luck with your surgery, too!

  5. Oh sweetheart, I know this isn't what you wanted or how you ever envisioned things going, but have faith that your doctor is being your advocate and this is the best thing for you. I wish I was there to give you a hug right now- your bitterness and anger are something I'm very familiar with.