Drill, Baby, Drill

Everyone likes to start their morning by learning they are more broken than they thought and then spending the 30 minute drive to work crying - right?

An ultrasound this morning revealed my fears were well placed (and now I will never let go of my pessimism, as I have been proven right). I am not responding to the clomid. My ovaries made *dozens* of follicles, but no leaders. None bigger than 10 whatever-follicles-are-measured-in's; and that's not good for CD13.

Or should I say CD3? They're all arbitrary at this point anyway, because tonight I start taking 5 days of 150mg of clomid. I have a feeling the hot flashes will be of an intensity heretofore unknown, and that's saying something.

I kept it together in front of Dr. B, didn't freak out during the ultrasound, or the discussion of ovarian drilling. Smiled at the nurses, thanked the secretary for my receipt. Got all the way to the car and called my sister. And *then* I burst into tears. This is coming to soon on the heels of learning that one of my friends is a super-fertile and is pregnant *again*. This is too much heaped on top of all the shit I already feel bad about day after day. That trigger shot will sit in my refrigerator mocking me. Why does this have to be so GODDAMN HARD? I am fighting the hardest, most emotionally draining battle of my LIFE just to ovulate! To say nothing of getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and going home with a living baby! My eggs might as well be kept at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, as inaccessible as they are.

I honestly don't even know why I agreed to move forward with this cycle. I don't want to do this. I don't want ten more days of unbearable hot flashes and sleepless nights. What's the point? *Maybe* they will get me to ovulate, but it won't get me pregnant. I have zero hope that I will get pregnant this cycle. So why am I putting myself through this torture? I should just move on to...

Laparoscopic surgery! Where are my Endometriosis sisters? You know what I'm talking about - holla!

Yeah, its not actually that fun or exciting.

When I started TTC, it never crossed my mind, in all my fears of what we would face with infertility, that I might have to have surgery. The doctors use clever language, calling me an "excellent candidate" for the ovarian drilling procedure. What they mean is, my body is broke as fuck and drugs just aren't going to cut it.

Knowing that, I feel like this cycle is a waste. I feel like the past year and 4 months, when I was supposedly "TTC", were a waste. A complete waste of time. Because I trust Dr. B, and even though he says he's willing to wait this cycle out, and try Femara if I want, I know that he thinks the surgery is my best bet and that I will ultimately have to do it whether sooner or later. So why not sooner?

....yeah, why not sooner? You know what, I wasn't thinking of this before I sat down to write, but I really want to cancel this cycle. If I continue on with it, then it will be late May by the time I find out I'm not pregnant (again) and I'll have to wait until after my friend's wedding to get the surgery. But if I scheduled it *now*, I should be able to have it done within the next month and I can get back to (haha, let's be honest - *start*) TTC that much quicker. Man, that's a great idea! Thank you, blog!