Just Keep Swimming...

So I've whined, moaned, and complained to just about everyone I can in the past month. About M needing a job, about wanting a house, wanting a baby, wanting to move forward with even a single part of my life. A friend of mine finally gave me some advice that stuck: Just keep swimming.

I'm not very good at living in the now, as they say. I'm always looking ahead to the next big thing - the next trip, the next project, the next phase of my life. But with M looking for a job and us being on a TTC break, its been driving me crazy that everything I'm looking forward to seems impossible to obtain. So I've felt stagnant, like I'm treading water and not getting anywhere.

But the truth is, there are plenty of things happening, just maybe not the things I was expecting. I should be thankful for those things. My sister is pregnant (7 week this Friday!). M has a good job lead (even if it is taking them forever to schedule interviews). My body tried to do...something, all by itself! And even if it didn't succeed, the fact that it tried is still something to cheer about.

I think I make myself extra nuts because while we are in limbo, I've been squirreling away money for when we need it. As though the second M gets a job, we'll buy a house, or the moment we go back to Dr. B we will have to have thousands of dollars in hand to do treatments. These things will come when they come and not all at once, slamming into us from out of nowhere. We'll have time to plan and get ready. And in reality, we have plenty of money saved up. So why do I fret and worry and restrict our budget in such a way that we can't enjoy life right now? Right now is all we have.

So I'm going to just keep keep swimming. I may not know how far into the future M's job is, or how long we'll wait for a baby, but if we just keep swimming, these things will happen eventually. And I can at least admire the scenery in the mean time.

A Pattern is Emerging

Ok, just go with me on this...

In January, after my CD21 progesterone check showed that the clomid had failed (yet again), I took prometrium to start a period. I had what appeared to be a period after 10 days of pills. A day or two after that period stopped, I started spotting - lightly at first, but it got heavier and heavier over 2 weeks, culminating in what appeared to be *another* period. After that, the spotting and bleeding stopped and life went back to normal. Then I started getting EWCM, lots of it. That lasted for 5 days or so and went away. Now, guess what: I'm spotting again. Very lightly for now, but its there.

So here's my theory:

Crazy as it sounds, I think I ovulated after taking those progesterone pills in January. I think I've heard of that happening to a girl on my forum. I can't explain the spotting , but it has happened before (I spotted during my first ovulation off BCPs last January). The spotting lasted about 12-14 days culminating in a very heavy flow for 3 or so days, like a period. So, if we count the first day of that heavy flow as CD1, the I started seeing EWCM on about CD18 through CD22ish with a HSO cervix from CD20-22. Over the weekend, that all went away and on Sunday (CD24?) I noticed the spotting was back.Even with all that evidence, I hesitate to make this assumption, but...it appears... I may have ovulated.... again.

...the fuck, man? A year without any kind of pattern, just two random ovulations and all of a sudden its like we're on a *schedule*?? Is it the clomid (which I haven't taken since late December)? It can't be the metformin because I've been on it for a year and only just started increasing my dose. Okay, nevermind how it happened - I will take what I can get.

I am a little concerned about the spotting since I have no clue why its happening. And since I wasn't temping or getting blood work, the only way I'll know for sure that I ovulated is if I get a period or a BFP in 2 weeks. But what to do about the spotting? I spotted lightly all through my first ovulatory cycle off BCPs last year. I didn't spot at all when I ovulated in October. I have plenty of progesterone pills, but should I take them without doctor's orders? I guess I could just call them and seek their advice... This is a situation I have never found myself in. And despite all my moaning and groaning and freaking out, I did manage to get some well timed sexy time in last week.

I'm going to follow The Corn fed Feminist's lead and not do anything different during this *assumed* 2ww. No sense making myself crazy when I don't even know anything for sure. So, do you think I should call Dr. B? Start taking progesterone? Just ride it out? Any input is welcome - thanks!

Feeling....Ranty?

Good news, everyone! J's ultrasound showed one healthy little embryo and a flickering heartbeat (still to early to hear it, I guess) - awesome! So excited for her. She's gone through enough heartache and deserves some happiness now.

I'm so glad her uterus is being a gracious hostess to that precious little package. My uterus, on the other hand, is earning a permanent membership on my shit list. The fertile signs continue... now a very high, very soft, and very open cervix, and a tiny bit of spotting. These are in addition to the EWCM which is, of course, continuing to mock me.

I'm sure you're wondering why I'm pissed rather than overjoyed that my body *appears* to want to spontaneously ovulate. I suppose it could be a good sign. Or maybe its just months of clomid *finally* kicking in. But the thing is, WE'RE ON A BREAK! (a la Ross and Rachel).

Last month, when I decided I couldn't take the disappointment anymore, I thought "Well, at least I know that I can rest and be sure *nothing* will happen. No period, no fertile symptoms, nothing. Because if clomid can't help, then my body is more broken than I thought". Every time I think I know something "for sure", I turn out to be wrong. I feel like a dog pulling on its leash and each time I lunge forward, the man walking me does a 180 and yanks me the other way. I'm sick of it! Can't I have anything the way I want it? EVER? I just wanted a fucking break from all the wondering and worrying and obsessing and LOOK AT WHAT I'M DOING!

::sigh:: I'm trying to roll with it. I'm *trying* to be all Doris Day "Que sera sera"... What I feel like is Lewis Black, *freaking* out over something stupid! I don't want to squander this possible opportunity to get pregnant, but I also don't want to fall flat on my face and make an ass of myself! I don't want to force M and I to have sex even if we don't feel like it - we did that for far too long! And there's something sick and twisted about the fact that any time I "give up", my body decides *that's* the time to work!

                                                                      ...I am not amused....

Mind Dump

Its another one of those days where I have a lot of thoughts bouncing around in my head, but no cohesive story to tell. You don't mind, right?

* Went out for Fat Tuesday last night and drank 4 beers in 4 hours with 2 glasses of water. Still managed to wake up with mild hangover symptoms! God, I feel *so* OLD!!

*Gobs of EWCM continues into today. I have never had this much before, even when I was religiously dosing with robitussin. WTF, body? What did I ever do to you? Why do you enjoy stringing me along like those boys in college? I hate your face!

*J goes for her first ultrasound tomorrow morning!! It has been a difficult week for her. She's had two (non-consecutive) days of spotting and I don't blame her for freaking out. I know there are tons of reasons for spotting that are totally benign, but there's always the worry that its your worst fears come true. Luckily her latest blood work was *really* good. Pray for one healthy fetal sac!!

*I try to give up something for Lent each year as a matter of tradition and personal challenge. I've given up soda and fast food mostly and I think one year I tried to add more exercise into my habits. This year I'm not exactly giving anything up. I've decided to make a conscious effort to be nicer to M. He really is a sweetheart, just rather prone to only half-way completing chores and completely forgetting when I ask him to do something. I can go from zero to ten with him over things that really don't matter that much (although "ten", for me, resembles a small temper tantrum and much sulking, so its not very scary). I know that he has made an effort to be more helpful to me, so now I'm going to try and cut him some slack. We'll see how this goes.

*Really enjoying ICLW this month! Trying very hard to visit as many new blogs as I can.

ICLW Welcome

Hello!

Welcome to International Comment Leaving Week, or IComLeavWe, or ICLW.

I am Curly Sue and this is my second month of participation in ICLW. A little background for any visitors: I'm married to M. My sister is J. J and I both have PCOS. J is very recently pregnant, so sometimes I will be talking about that (in case that's a painful subject for you at the moment). M and I are on a TTC break until I get back from a trip at the end of March. Somehow, I still find plenty of IF and PCOS things to whine about on a daily basis. Lucky you ::wink::.

So, the latest drama with my ovaries is this: EWCM last night and this morning. I'd like to take a page out of the Saturday Night Live book and say, "Really?!?!!" Really, body, *really*? We're gonna do this? Now? That's really cute and spiteful of you, but I'm not falling for it. I know this game, remember? We played this game for four fucking months while I suffered through hotflashes trying to get your stupid ass to work right. I know how this goes - you gear up to O, showing off all these signs and symptoms, and after I've made a fool of myself temping, and having sex til I'm sick of it, you fail to follow through! You drop the ball! You cease to work! *You* are an Ex-Parrot! Ok, I feel a little better... I suppose it wouldn't hurt to go along with it and schedule some extra sexy time... But I am *not* temping or doing anything else! I'll know in a few weeks if it was something or nothing. Stupid body...

Sometimes I like to engage the viewer with some questions. Such as, Does it weird you out when people share everything including the state of their cervical mucus and when they will have sexy time? Do you think there is a way to blog about IF and *not* over-share? All my modesty has long since gone out the window, but I often wonder if others in the ALI community are uncomfortable with excess sharing.

Blogs vs. Forums

I've been mulling this over since I started my blog last month: what is it about blogging (and reading blogs) that provides a more fulfilling outlet and comforts me more than being a member of an infertility forum?

Last year, when I chucked out the last of my BCPs and declared we were officially "trying" (haha, how young and naive..), I started google searching infertility and PCOS. I knew I was going to need support for this journey and I really didn't know what was out there. I happened upon a PCOS group and lurked for about a week before joining. It was a pretty eye opening experience. Kind of like immersing yourself in a foreign country to learn a new language, joining a forum tossed me into the deep end where I had to quickly figure out the lingo or be out of the loop forever (that was way too many metaphors for one sentence).

I was active in that forum for almost a year. I was supportive over countless BFNs, BFPs, and so many heart-breaking miscarriages. I watched women come and go. I talked newbies through all the obsessing of the first few TTC cycles. I was a cheerleader for the women who had been there for nearly a decade without getting a take-home baby. But after many months and only 2 ovulatory cycles for myself, I started to feel...left behind, I guess. Sometimes a girl would join and be pregnant the very next month. Other girls only took a few more medicated cycles and they too were off to the pregnancy threads. Some girls took longer to phase out of newbie status and reading the onslaught of Panic! posts got kind of old. For the hundredth time sweetie, when you're taking progesterone supplements during your 2ww, you really can't symptom spot - the supplements can cause every symptom under the sun... I don't know how the veteran members kept it up, month after month. There was a core of women that stayed fairly constant, but the rest was a revolving door of ladies fortunate enough to not need much, if any, medical intervention. And while I didn't mind playing the positive thinker for others, I was feeling very negative about my own state of affairs. The helpful, supportive comments from others started to grate on my nerves.

Finally, after the massive failure that was clomid round 4 (150mg), I threw up my hands. I knew it was time to find an RE and that my TTC journey was not going to be as simple as I'd hoped. And if it was going to take so much more time and effort, I couldn't handle watching half a dozen women get their BFP every other month while I sat on the sidelines just waiting. So I said goodbye to the forum for now. Maybe I'll go back someday if Dr. B finds a drug protocol that gets me ovulating regularly, but I don't know.

Blogging is somehow so different from being part of a forum. I enjoy the slower pace of things; life is taken day by day instead of by cycle milestones. I get to know the individual bloggers on a more personal and detailed level - not just by the TTC history in their signature. And its easier to find other women who are "in it for the long haul", so to speak. Am I terrible for saying that? I hope you understand what I mean. I'm grateful that, for the first time in a long time, I'm not just talking to a wall when I blog. I kept my old online journal private when we started TTC because I figured none of my followers were interested. Its comforting to send my thoughts out into the void where they might be useful to another person, if only to validate their feelings or help them not feel so alone. Even though a forum is essentially, an unending conversation, I think blogging is a *better* medium for communication. I am able to more actively participate in the ALI community now that I have this blog. And I don't feel like I'm just sitting on the sidelines while everyone else moves forward - because even though I'm not actively TTC right now, I still have a story and that story still matters. That's something I didn't think I could have in a forum.

So thank you to everyone who makes this community exist! Without it, I'd be lost. Do you have an opinion on the uses of forums and blogs? Do you prefer one or the other? Use both?

Fun with Infertility

If you can't laugh at yourself now and then...well, then...you're just too serious... (I think there's a maxim there that I just can't remember the other half of).

There are times when IF and PCOS loom so large over me, blocking out the sun and every happy thought I've ever had. If I were in a Harry Potter book, my bogart would appear as a giant, useless, poly-cystic ovary. And I know I'm not the only one who feels it creeping into every aspect of my life, coloring all with a gloomy palette. I give into those feelings more often than I should, but sometimes (I wish I could say frequently) I am able to find the humor in all this craziness. My sister, J, and I have been known to go off on IF humor tangents that probably cause other people to look at us with some concern for our sanity. So here is a sampling of the humor you can find in your own flawed reproductive organs:

In my sillier, more lighthearted moods, I can be forgiving enough to think that my ovaries aren't misbehaving on purpose - they're just a bit flighty and daffy. And a little selfish. Prone to forgetting what they're supposed to be doing mid-way through a task. And highly anthropomorphized.

 I like to imagine my ovaries like a small child playing outfield in a baseball game where they get distracted making daisy chains in the grass. "What was I doing? Eggs? Making eggs? No, no, no, I'm making daisy chains - see? Pretty!"

Poly-cystic ovaries are often referred to by the pattern of cysts: There's the classic "string of pearls" and also "chocolate chip". J and I giggle to no end making up scenarios where our ovaries are alternately making fancy pearl necklaces or baking chocolate chip cookies. "I made this pretty necklace, are you happy now?? What do you mean you want to take it? Its MINE- You can't have my pearls! I try and I try, but there's just no satisfying you!" - Its also kind of ironic that I have "string of pearls" ovaries and one of my hobbies is jewelry making. J has chocolate chip ovaries and she's a great baker!

I never knew this, but your ovaries can *move*! One of J's ovaries has been known to get lonely, so it goes and visits the other one, making ultra-sounds rather entertaining at times. It tries to engage the uterus in conversation, but the uterus doesn't like it much.

Speaking of uteri (uteruses? uterese?), my dear mom had hers removed a few years ago. She wasn't sorry about it at all because it was causing her a lot of pain and problems and her wonderful Dr. said she could keep her ovaries (which is a big deal, I guess). While J's ovaries are highly mobile, my mom's always stayed in place, blissfully unaware of the others' existence because there was this big uterus in the way. With that gone, they spotted each other for the first time and, to our reckoning, were quite horrified - kind of like a cat being startled by the "strange" cat in the mirror for the first time.

Soooo there you go! You now know *way* too much information about my female family members' reproductive organs. And you know that we have a pretty weird sense of humor. Maybe its because we're a medical family - raised by 2 nurses and all...nothing is sacred. So, am I completely abnormal, or does anyone else think of their ovaries/uterus as having a personality? Does it help you make light of an otherwise dark situation?

The Dangers of Facebook Politics

So, I read this article today and felt so strongly about it that I posted it on Facebook. I included a comment about how BCPs aren't just for contraception and I believe they should be made available to all women who want/need them.

Boy did I start something. First there were just a few "like"s and a "here here!" from my sister. Then the church members started weighing in.... then the church members in support of it shot back. Volley after volley, back and forth. I've had more traffic and more comments on that article post than I've ever had on my Facebook page in the history of my profile!

I didn't know about the public debate taking place on my Facebook page until this evening. I carefully read through every comment, mulled everything over, and made a final comment of my own, upholding my original opinion and briefly addressing the main argument of those who disagreed with me. Now, I'm not catholic, but I am a fairly conservative Christian - Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. And I don't mean to pick on the catholic church. The thing is, I would feel the way I do if it was my own church who was denying BCPs (actually, Concordia Health Care does deny BCPs, to my knowledge). Its just plain irresponsible for *any* employer to deny such a *basic* medical health need for women.

I hope I haven't offended anyone, but these things rarely get me so riled up that I want to speak out online about it. I understand that other people 100% support the catholic church's decision, and you are totally entitled to your opinion. I don't think this is a good and evil battle or anything. And if anyone wants to discuss/debate, then I welcome the cerebral engagement :-)

Weekend Roundup

I always feel like posts I write on Mondays are just a big mind dump of stuff from the weekend. I sit in front of a computer for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week, so I don't spend much time on my laptop over the weekend unless its important.

My sister went for her second round of blood work today. Pray for good numbers!! She's having such a difficult time already because she is so afraid of this pregnancy ending in miscarriage. I suggested she might like to go see her counselor (whom she hasn't seen in almost a year) even for one visit to talk about the situation and help find strategies to deal with her emotions. I wish so badly that she could enjoy being pregnant and look to the future with nothing but hope and happiness. Sadly, that is a near impossibility for so many women in the ALI community. And my heart breaks for every one of them. For now, we are taking it hour by hour and one day at a time.

So, the spotting just sort of stopped, finally (she said with some trepidation). It had tapered off almost completely, yet I fully expected it to come back. But it hasn't. I've been spot free since..Friday? I can't remember. Now I am left wondering what the hell all that was. Did I ovulate despite taking progesterone pills for 10 days and having (by all appearances) induced a period? How bizarre! I suppose stranger things have happened in the IF world. I guess in the end I don't really care what happened, as long as it doesn't happen again!

With that mess over, I'm just hanging out, working my way up to a higher dose of metformin, and looking forward to the ending of March. My birthday is in exactly one month, I'm going on a trip to San Diego, and then its back to treatments! I really, really, really hope that I get pregnant in 2012.

Ooh, one more random thought: How have I not discovered LFCA before now? I'm sure that several blogs I follow have the little badge on their sidebar and yet I never clicked on it. What an *awesome* clearinghouse area for ALI! I swear, I never stop being astounded at the amazing ways some women devise to make this community as close-knit and well-informed as it can be. Just *really* crazy, good work.

Being Ready

This TTC break has been pretty good for me. Last night I had the fireplace going and M asked if I wasn't a little warm. I was actually cold! I love not getting hot flashes. I love sleeping undisturbed with the covers on. I love using my space heater at work. I even love how my fingers have returned to their icy-hand-of-death temperature. And I really don't miss temping and obsessing over CM and timed-intercourse.

At the same time, I do miss hoping that something will happen. Its kind of crazy knowing that while I'm not on meds, there is *zero* possibility that I will have a cycle. *Zero* chances for pregnancy. Instead, I'm in limbo, with nothing to focus on except for this constant spotting. And that is freeing and troubling at the same time. While I'm happy for the rest, the world keeps moving forward and people get pregnant every day. In one month's time there will be 3(!) new babies in my life: two women at church will deliver and my cousin. And I will have made no progress whatsoever. That is regrettable, unavoidable, and just plain frustrating.

If I can figure out what's causing the spotting, if I can get on the right cocktail of meds to make me ovulate consistently, if my sister doesn't lose this pregnancy (PLEASE don't let her lose this pregnancy!), I could maybe get pregnant too? Maybe in 2012? Maybe we could be pregnant together, even if we overlapped only a little?

I was thinking the other day in the grocery store, watching moms trying to shop with multiple kids in tow, I'm not ready to deal with a toddler. I'm not ready for potty training or play dates. I'm sure as hell not ready for a pre-teen or an emo teenager. But I am ready for an infant. Infants are easy, when you think about it. The worst part is the lack of sleep and constant fear of SIDS. But there's no discipline really, no arguing, no time outs or grounding. And there's time to learn to be ready for all those things. Time to be ready for walking and talking. Time to get comfortable with play dates and disciplining. Years to prepare for parenting a teenager.

I'm ready for this, if only my body would cooperate. I'm ready right now to jump back into treatments, to get this show on the road, to make 2012 so much better than 2011. But first I have to figure out this unending spotting. And then I have to get through traveling which would interfere with a monitored cycle. So I've got to keep waiting, even though I want this NOW. I'm ready, but will it ever really happen?

IF and When

This morning I am thankful and scared. My sister got a positive pregnancy test. This is her first treatment cycle in a long, long time. And I am so excited and so *terrified* because last time she was pregnant, she did not get a take-home baby. I have always felt more strongly about my sister having children than me. I got her text this morning and burst into happy tears. And then I prayed "God please please please PLEASE let this one stick!". I honestly think I could deal with living childless, if it came to that, if my sister had the brood she always wanted. Prayers and positive thoughts are welcome and appreciated, as always.

Waiting

I am not a patient person. I *hate* waiting. I especially hate waiting when the duration of the wait is unknown. Like waiting for my appointment at my GYN's. Sure my appointment time might be 9:30, but that's not when I'll get called back. And no one knows when it will be. I can wait for an anticipated movie to come out, because it has a release date. I *know* how long I have to wait, and I *know* that wait gets shorter the more time passes.

Infertility affords one with many intangible things to wait for. Wait for your period. Wait to ovulate. Wait to see your doctor. Wait to stop spotting. Wait to take a test. Wait for cycle after cycle after cycle to get pregnant. The waiting wouldn't be so hard if you *knew* these things would happen, or *when* they would happen. But you might not ovulate. You might not get your period. And all but one special cycle will fail to give you a take home baby (if you get one at all).

If I only knew how long the wait would be.

I know I've read that same sentiment from so many other IF bloggers, but it really is the crux of all our pain. If I only knew whether it will eventually, or will never, work. If I only knew how long it would take. Then I could get through this with a smile. Then I wouldn't cry at every pregnancy announcement, every failed cycle. Then I'd *know* the wait gets shorter the more time passes - instead of wondering if I'm wasting my time, my money, and my emotional energy.

Dr. B's office finally got back to me and told me to, get this: wait. Let's just wait and see and if in 2 weeks I have what looks like another period or if the spotting continues, then they'll bring me in for an ultrasound and blood work. Sure, let's just wait and see. The spotting has gotten much more under control, but its definitely still going. For now, I've calmed down and I don't feel like ripping my hair out. But I imagine that will return before the 2 weeks is up. God, I'm impatient.

Out of Control

I lost it big time when I got home from work yesterday. I'd barely set foot in the door before I broke down sobbing. I had worked so hard to keep it together in my office for the last hour and a half of the day - I guess I didn't have it in me anymore. The doctor's office still hasn't called me and I'm *still* spotting and so I feel completely out of control. I'm anxious all the time, constantly worrying "will it get worse? Will it get better? Do I have a pad in my purse if I need it...?" And I'm so afraid that something is wrong, something besides the PCOS; another hurtle to have to overcome. Its insane! So I sat on the couch sobbing my eyes out while poor M just held me. I apologized for being crazy and he just hugged me and said I had nothing to apologize for. I am so lucky this man was stupid enough to marry me.

I didn't feel much better after crying, just kind of numb and a little angry. Unfortunately, I had agreed a week ago to attend a bible study class with my sister last night because it was a guest night. It was probably the last thing in the world that I wanted to do, but I went anyway. I kept reminding myself to not be rude to the sweet women who were only doing God's work. We mustn't bite their heads off just because we're in a bad mood; that's not their fault. Even if their overly-saccharine sweetness grates on the nerves like glass shards... I survived and thanks to my sister's wonderful sarcasm, I was even starting to feel human again by the end of it.

My sister gave me the nurses' email address for Dr. B's office yesterday. So I have now called and emailed about my problem. I really really really hope they get back to me today. I'm so tired of feeling out of control.

Busy Weekend

It was a weekend of ups and downs, good things and annoying things.

The most annoying thing of course being my body's insistence on having AF all over again after only two weeks. As of yesterday afternoon, its back to just spotting. I do not like this, Sam I am...

There were plenty of good things to punctuate my weekend, not the least of which was that M found out his application made it through HR!! He is one of 15 candidates and he already knows two of the staff on the hiring committee. He's worked out a wonderful little speech to give them during his interview and I'm just so freaking excited!! This is the closest he has gotten to finding a job in several months. So, again, prayers and positive thoughts are welcome and appreciated :-)

Saw one of my favorite stand-up comics at a local comedy club on Friday. Anyone familiar with Christopher Titus? He somehow manages to make terribly not-funny things gut-bustingly hilarious. I was thrilled to see him live and it was all new material, so well worth the ticket price! Then Saturday I spent the morning with my mom and sister at the art museum. There's a touring exhibit of Norman Rockwell paintings that we've been meaning to see and we finally went. It was incredible! So much detail in each painting, you could stare for hours picking out the hints to the story of the picture. I love all the exaggerated expressions and the paintings where the main subject is turned away from the viewer. They even had a whole room filled with original copies of the Saturday Evening Post covers that he made. If this exhibit tours near your home I highly suggest going to see it!

And, of course, Sunday was the big game: the Puppy Bowl!!! Oh, I mean - The Super Bowl! I just use it as an excuse to eat fun food and spend time with my family. I only watched through half-time though because I had to get home in time to watch Downton Abbey! I can't live without my British drama - that show is like *crack*!

The other annoying thing that happened involved the yarn I am crocheting getting *horribly* tangled and requiring over 2 hours to get sorted out. My sister's friend came over with her girls for the game. The younger girl, A, was watching me crochet and asked if I would show her how. I gave her a little lesson and showed her how to make a chain, but I didn't have any extra bits to give to her to keep practicing. So, I decided to quickly unroll the skein I was working with and cut off a bit at the end to give her. I don't know why I couldn't predict what a disaster that would be. Ah well, she got a little ball of yarn to practice with in the end - I just can't say no to her, she is so adorable.

So, busy weekend and a busy week ahead. Hopefully Dr. B's office will call me back about this spotting...

See Spot

See Spot spotting. See Spot still spotting even 2 weeks after my period. See Curly Sue getting ticked off that Spot won't go the hell away!

I'm supposed to be relaxing and enjoying my time off the infertility roller coaster. I wasn't upset when Dr. B didn't offer me birth control pills for during the break. I thought, hey, it will be more interesting to see if the increased metformin regulates my cycles. I'm pretty much over that thought right now.

Now I'm worried about low estrogen because I can't think of any other reason that I would be spotting red for so. freaking. long. It shows no sign of letting up and its really putting a damper on things in the bedroom with M. Not cool. ::sigh:: I hate my body. Google isn't really helping me out because constant spotting can signal anything from hormone fluctuation to cervical cancer. And I don't know how long I should wait before calling Dr. B's office. I *want* to call right now, if only because the inconvenience of it is stressing me out. I *think* I should wait another week and see if it stops, or even slows. If it hasn't then I will definitely call. But what do I say? Can I ask for BCPs? I'd like to demand them, honestly... Is it worth it to ask for testing? I have a history of bleeding until near death, so does that warrant a closer look?

Honestly, I just want it to stop so I can go back to relaxing. Stupid, f'ing body, it never gives me a break.

Update: Thank you all for your advice. I talked to my mom and decided to call Dr. B's office. I left a message on the nurses' line before noon and even though their voicemail assures the caller they will call back, they didn't. I guess they had a busy afternoon :-\ The spotting got much worse throughout the day, then the cramps started and now (TMI) I'm passing small clots. I give up, I just fucking give up.

The Almighty Dollar

Taxes are done for the year - the refund is a big relief. I know I could change my withholding info and have immediate access to more money throughout the year, but I honestly prefer the lump sum I receive every February. An extra little bit every two weeks can easily get frittered away. A large sum is easier to set aside in one of many savings' accounts. Earmarked for infertility bills, student loan payments, a house someday (please?).

The job posting on campus which M applied for finally closed this week. Now HR will start reviewing each application. They determine (based on some asinine, unknown rubric) which are the "top ten" applicants and send those names (and *only* those names) to the department for consideration. I get a stomach ache every time I think about it.

M graduated November 19th, so he's only been looking for a job two, almost three, months. Six to nine months - that's the average time they are saying it can take new graduates to find work these days. I forget who said it. But student loans only have a six month grace period before you have to start making payments. I don't think we are poor enough to qualify for further forbearance. Six to nine months...

We're not bad off; we're actually far more fortunate than a lot of recently married couples just out of college. And we are maintaining, treading water. A pretty serious disaster would have to happen to completely submerge us. God willing, that won't happen, and if it did, we are close to family who would make sure our basic necessities were still cared for. But we can't move forward - we're in limbo.

I'm not a patient person, though. And much as I don't care for change, being *stuck* in one phase of my life for too long becomes grating fairly quickly. I feel guilty looking ahead to shelling out hundreds of dollars a month for fertility treatments if M doesn't have a job. What if it takes longer than six to nine months? But I want children, and I want a house, and I want my husband to have a job that he enjoys. Honestly, I think if we didn't have to worry about fertility treatments, if I were "normal", we might be able to look at houses now - even without a secured job for M. But I worry about how many cycles and how much expensive drugs and monitoring we will have to do to get pregnant.

Why does everything have to hinge on M finding a good paying job? It just adds to the pressure.