Good news, everyone! J's ultrasound showed one healthy little embryo and a flickering heartbeat (still to early to hear it, I guess) - awesome! So excited for her. She's gone through enough heartache and deserves some happiness now.
I'm so glad her uterus is being a gracious hostess to that precious little package. My uterus, on the other hand, is earning a permanent membership on my shit list. The fertile signs continue... now a very high, very soft, and very open cervix, and a tiny bit of spotting. These are in addition to the EWCM which is, of course, continuing to mock me.
I'm sure you're wondering why I'm pissed rather than overjoyed that my body *appears* to want to spontaneously ovulate. I suppose it could be a good sign. Or maybe its just months of clomid *finally* kicking in. But the thing is, WE'RE ON A BREAK! (a la Ross and Rachel).
Last month, when I decided I couldn't take the disappointment anymore, I thought "Well, at least I know that I can rest and be sure *nothing* will happen. No period, no fertile symptoms, nothing. Because if clomid can't help, then my body is more broken than I thought". Every time I think I know something "for sure", I turn out to be wrong. I feel like a dog pulling on its leash and each time I lunge forward, the man walking me does a 180 and yanks me the other way. I'm sick of it! Can't I have anything the way I want it? EVER? I just wanted a fucking break from all the wondering and worrying and obsessing and LOOK AT WHAT I'M DOING!
::sigh:: I'm trying to roll with it. I'm *trying* to be all Doris Day "Que sera sera"... What I feel like is Lewis Black, *freaking* out over something stupid! I don't want to squander this possible opportunity to get pregnant, but I also don't want to fall flat on my face and make an ass of myself! I don't want to force M and I to have sex even if we don't feel like it - we did that for far too long! And there's something sick and twisted about the fact that any time I "give up", my body decides *that's* the time to work!
...I am not amused....