February 10, 2012

Being Ready

This TTC break has been pretty good for me. Last night I had the fireplace going and M asked if I wasn't a little warm. I was actually cold! I love not getting hot flashes. I love sleeping undisturbed with the covers on. I love using my space heater at work. I even love how my fingers have returned to their icy-hand-of-death temperature. And I really don't miss temping and obsessing over CM and timed-intercourse.

At the same time, I do miss hoping that something will happen. Its kind of crazy knowing that while I'm not on meds, there is *zero* possibility that I will have a cycle. *Zero* chances for pregnancy. Instead, I'm in limbo, with nothing to focus on except for this constant spotting. And that is freeing and troubling at the same time. While I'm happy for the rest, the world keeps moving forward and people get pregnant every day. In one month's time there will be 3(!) new babies in my life: two women at church will deliver and my cousin. And I will have made no progress whatsoever. That is regrettable, unavoidable, and just plain frustrating.

If I can figure out what's causing the spotting, if I can get on the right cocktail of meds to make me ovulate consistently, if my sister doesn't lose this pregnancy (PLEASE don't let her lose this pregnancy!), I could maybe get pregnant too? Maybe in 2012? Maybe we could be pregnant together, even if we overlapped only a little?

I was thinking the other day in the grocery store, watching moms trying to shop with multiple kids in tow, I'm not ready to deal with a toddler. I'm not ready for potty training or play dates. I'm sure as hell not ready for a pre-teen or an emo teenager. But I am ready for an infant. Infants are easy, when you think about it. The worst part is the lack of sleep and constant fear of SIDS. But there's no discipline really, no arguing, no time outs or grounding. And there's time to learn to be ready for all those things. Time to be ready for walking and talking. Time to get comfortable with play dates and disciplining. Years to prepare for parenting a teenager.

I'm ready for this, if only my body would cooperate. I'm ready right now to jump back into treatments, to get this show on the road, to make 2012 so much better than 2011. But first I have to figure out this unending spotting. And then I have to get through traveling which would interfere with a monitored cycle. So I've got to keep waiting, even though I want this NOW. I'm ready, but will it ever really happen?


  1. I'm glad that you have found some peace in the TTC break. I hope that you get an answer to the spotting!

  2. That's funny because infants terrify me! I'm so scared of breaking them! Kids are so much easier, so much less fragile. Hahahaha.

    ANYWAY ... That is great to hear that the break has helped you rejuvenate and feel ready to get started again!!