So I've whined, moaned, and complained to just about everyone I can in the past month. About M needing a job, about wanting a house, wanting a baby, wanting to move forward with even a single part of my life. A friend of mine finally gave me some advice that stuck: Just keep swimming.
I'm not very good at living in the now, as they say. I'm always looking ahead to the next big thing - the next trip, the next project, the next phase of my life. But with M looking for a job and us being on a TTC break, its been driving me crazy that everything I'm looking forward to seems impossible to obtain. So I've felt stagnant, like I'm treading water and not getting anywhere.
But the truth is, there are plenty of things happening, just maybe not the things I was expecting. I should be thankful for those things. My sister is pregnant (7 week this Friday!). M has a good job lead (even if it is taking them forever to schedule interviews). My body tried to do...something, all by itself! And even if it didn't succeed, the fact that it tried is still something to cheer about.
I think I make myself extra nuts because while we are in limbo, I've been squirreling away money for when we need it. As though the second M gets a job, we'll buy a house, or the moment we go back to Dr. B we will have to have thousands of dollars in hand to do treatments. These things will come when they come and not all at once, slamming into us from out of nowhere. We'll have time to plan and get ready. And in reality, we have plenty of money saved up. So why do I fret and worry and restrict our budget in such a way that we can't enjoy life right now? Right now is all we have.
So I'm going to just keep keep swimming. I may not know how far into the future M's job is, or how long we'll wait for a baby, but if we just keep swimming, these things will happen eventually. And I can at least admire the scenery in the mean time.