February 23, 2012

Feeling....Ranty?

Good news, everyone! J's ultrasound showed one healthy little embryo and a flickering heartbeat (still to early to hear it, I guess) - awesome! So excited for her. She's gone through enough heartache and deserves some happiness now.

I'm so glad her uterus is being a gracious hostess to that precious little package. My uterus, on the other hand, is earning a permanent membership on my shit list. The fertile signs continue... now a very high, very soft, and very open cervix, and a tiny bit of spotting. These are in addition to the EWCM which is, of course, continuing to mock me.

I'm sure you're wondering why I'm pissed rather than overjoyed that my body *appears* to want to spontaneously ovulate. I suppose it could be a good sign. Or maybe its just months of clomid *finally* kicking in. But the thing is, WE'RE ON A BREAK! (a la Ross and Rachel).

Last month, when I decided I couldn't take the disappointment anymore, I thought "Well, at least I know that I can rest and be sure *nothing* will happen. No period, no fertile symptoms, nothing. Because if clomid can't help, then my body is more broken than I thought". Every time I think I know something "for sure", I turn out to be wrong. I feel like a dog pulling on its leash and each time I lunge forward, the man walking me does a 180 and yanks me the other way. I'm sick of it! Can't I have anything the way I want it? EVER? I just wanted a fucking break from all the wondering and worrying and obsessing and LOOK AT WHAT I'M DOING!

::sigh:: I'm trying to roll with it. I'm *trying* to be all Doris Day "Que sera sera"... What I feel like is Lewis Black, *freaking* out over something stupid! I don't want to squander this possible opportunity to get pregnant, but I also don't want to fall flat on my face and make an ass of myself! I don't want to force M and I to have sex even if we don't feel like it - we did that for far too long! And there's something sick and twisted about the fact that any time I "give up", my body decides *that's* the time to work!

                                                                      ...I am not amused....


11 comments:

  1. I can't relate 100% personally, but I can relate through my husband. It's so, SOOOO infuriating to feel like your body is never doing what you want it to! It's like your mind and body must be completely disconnected because they are obviously not communicating correctly to each other to know what to do! And it's also impossible to not obsess about it when 1) it's on the brain and 2) it's your BODY so it's obvious to you at all times whether it's functioning correctly or not and 3)well, when it's going giving you what you want. :/ So sorry for the frustrations!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I so know what you mean! I was convinced that I was not going to ovulate this month now that we were off our 2 month break. I figured of COURSE those would be the 2 months my body decided to ovulate. TTC can really put a lot of not fun pressure on the sex life :( I've been there too. Just try to relax (Ha! I know. Easier said then done) and have sex if you feel like it and because you love each other.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Trisha - I had a feeling you would understand. And I really hope your body cooperates this month! Spontaneous ovulation for women who never experience it on their own is so amazing! Like seeing a unicorn! XD

      Delete
  3. I mean... you could still have sex just because you want to (or maybe because you want to a little bit, but more because you seem to be super fertile) - you don't HAVE to have sex every day around the fertile window. So if you had sex today, and then didn't for another 3 days, you'd probably still have a chance, but then that means the 2ww again! Which is definitely not part of a well-balanced break!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think I'm in a much more zen place today. I did what I could and now I'm going to (try to) let it go. I'm going to pull a "corn-fed feminist" and ignore the 2ww other than eliminating alcohol. Seems like a good idea.

      Delete
  4. And this is why us infertiles have a completely dysfunctional relationship with our bodies. Hang in there kid, all you can do now is hold on tight.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Exactly! My reproductive organs and I need to attend family therapy...

      Delete
  5. I love lime cat!! And I agree with Robin.

    ReplyDelete
  6. So happy to hear your good news. As for your body playing the trickster, maybe you should pay it no mind? We tried timing sex for a while, but then we decided that because we aren't sure it's the only problem (likely it's not for us), then maybe the stress isn't worth the ever so slightly increased chance that it would work. I wonder if all we did is take our chance of achieving pregnancy from near 0 percent to something also abysmally low - like 1 or 2. Who knows.

    ReplyDelete
  7. It figures. Maybe I'm just kind of b*tchy and moody this week, but your body deciding to ovulate doesn't surprise me. I do ovulate, but mine moves around so much there are cycles when I've given up mentally on that particular one because of personal circumstances, and I end up being ok/slightly relieved. Then it takes an extra two weeks for my body to get it together and ovulate. And I know when it happens, because it's not like I stop doing things to track myself if I give up on a cycle. And then suddenly you care again.

    I sound grumpy don't I? Happy Friday! That sounds cheerful. :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Come to the crabby side - we have...house cats. Sounds appealing, huh? Thanks for empathizing!

      Delete