March 21, 2012

Thoughts on Trigger Day

Its CD16, trigger day.

 I've had EWCM for 3 or 4 days now, but my cervix seems stubbornly low and closed. I suppose the HCG shot should fix all that.

I'm excited. And I'm nervous. I've been here before. Not with this drug, but with others. Thinking that I have "arrived", that *this*, this was the missing piece - this pill, that shot, is the silver bullet, the chink in IF's armor that we can exploit and finally we'll get some results!

What if it doesn't work?

Is that possible? Are there people who don't respond to a trigger shot?

After the metformin didn't regulate my cycles, I was disappointed, but not very surprised. When clomid failed me month after month, though, I was fairly devastated. If this trigger shot doesn't work, I have to go under the knife (laser, whatever). I'm not worked up over this, I'm still in a very zen place right now. And even though surgery would suck, I just see it as one more weapon I can use to fight the PCOS - I am a warrior woman who is not afraid of a few scars. But I do wonder if it will come to that or not. Should I take it for granted that this shot is a sure thing, or should I put my guard up?

I don't think I'll ever stop waiting for the bottom to drop out on me. I know my sister hasn't. Nine - almost 10! - weeks pregnant now and she still cries at every ultrasound appointment. She's so afraid of the silence that might be at the end of the wand. And I don't blame her. How could you not be so permanently changed by something like that? I haven't even experienced anything nearly as bad and I still notice that I am waiting for the other shoe to drop - always. You can't take anything for granted after you've been in the Land of IF for a while...


  1. It seems entirely normal to have your guard up--I know I do. Yet, at the same time, hope is a wonderful thing. I really do hope that it works out for you this time, but know that if it doesn't, we all are still here to support you, too!

    I think I'm going to be like your sister if I ever get pregnant. You're right: nervousness seems natural for those dealing with IF.

  2. I am the same way, and fear I might always be. If I am lucky enough to get pregnant again, I think I will be just like your sister. All of this loss and struggle really messes us up!

    I am so hopeful for you! I hope this TWW passes quickly and you get amazing news at the end of it!

  3. FX for you. I hav enever heard of a trgigger not working...I'm sure it's possible but I haven't known anyone it's happened to. Pregnancy after loss and IF is a very scary place. They say that an infertile will take an hpt 9 mos preg "just to be sure". I have yet to stop holding my breath and doubt I ever will. Best of luck to you and your sister!

  4. I know you are trying to protect yourself (and god knows I have been doing the same) but if you protect yourself too much, you'll miss out on all the good stuff too. This crap is painful, but there is so much hope for all of us- I just don't want to see you any more jaded than you already are. This is exciting. Give yourself permission to be excited right now.

  5. The fear is hard to deal with but it is so understandable. The only thing I can say is you never know what can possibly regulate your cycles. A ruptured cyst did it for me...who wudda thunk?

    I'm excited for you for the trigger shot and IUI! Sending some magic dust your way!

  6. Hi...thanks for your comment on my blog! I hope this cycle works out for you! It is incredibly hard to not have your guard up after dealing with infertility and/or loss. However, I think we cherish every little bit more than the fertiles!

  7. I agree with Preggo - I've never heard of a trigger not working, at least as long as there were follicles to be triggered. So... GOOD LUCK!!!

  8. Good luck!! Hoping for all the best for you!