March 05, 2012

10 O'Clock and Already a Difficult Day

I kept waking up every hour last night. I think I was anxious about testing. I feel well rested despite that, so oh well. Obviously the test was negative or this would be a very different post already. I knew it would be negative, I don't know why I even allow that tiny microgram of hope to persist month after month. Now I just have to hope AF rears her ugly head (just in time for my birthday) - otherwise I'll have a whole new reason to be sad.

I shrugged off the BFN this morning and got on with my shower and such. I was even in a good mood when I got to work. Maybe it was this false sense of security that made me think it would be okay to *finally* respond to a Facebook message I received last week. A good friend of mine who now lives in Colorado (with her gorgeous husband and adorable 6 month old boy that she got pregnant with when her husband *looked* at her, swear to God!) wrote to me asking how J and I are, saying she prays for us and thinks of us all the time. And then she asked what PCOS is and why it makes TTC so difficult. When I first got the message I was so shocked by this random act of caring that I didn't know how to respond. I've gotten so used to pulling out my soapbox and angrily (or at least with a pissy manor) railing on and on about the cruel injustices of infertility...that didn't seem an appropriate response to a kind question. So I sat on it for several days. Why did I think that I could handle answering it today?

I had to lie by omission about J because she's not telling *anyone* she's pregnant yet. And then I just gave her the super condensed version of how I got here: that my hormones are jacked up, so I never ovulate. That in a whole year of "ttc" I never really had a shot at getting pregnant. That I blew through all the clomid doses with, basically, zero response. That now we know we are also dealing with okay/sub-fertile sperm morphology so we may be looking at IUI eventually. And before I knew it, I was crying - though it was more like my eyes were leaking against my will and without permission. I know she'll probably try for another baby once this one is weaned, so I asked her to please forgive me if I don't immediately sound as happy as I should when she is pregnant again. That made my leaky eyes worse, the fact that I am planning for this woman to lap me.

I've got myself back under control, my tear ducts heavily reprimanded for losing their shit at the office. I think I didn't realize how hard it would hit me to go back over all the crap that's happened up until now. I mean, I deal with it on a daily basis, you'd think I could write about it with a certain amount of detatchement. Apparently not. Maybe the BFN hit me harder than I thought. Maybe it hurts extra to talk about my IF with a super-fertile. Who knows. But all this makes me so happy that I have this safe space to come to and unload, so I can get back to my day feeling less burdened. In 2 weeks I can go back to Dr. B and finally, officially, *really* start TTC for the first time. That's enough to put a smile on my face for now.

6 comments:

  1. Oh I am sorry. That is a really difficult morning. Do take care of yourself.

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    1. Thank you - I'll be licking my wounds tonight with a few beers. I've earned them.

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  2. Oh honey- I'm so sorry for the BFN this morning. I have learned though, that even those months when I *know* there is no chance in hell that it will be positive, it is still earth shattering to see that single, lonely line on that stupid test. And even if the tears don't come immediately- they will come. Cut yourself some slack. This thing we are going through, is really freaking hard. *hugs*

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    1. Thank you so much, Tami - you've been such a good friend to me, I wish we could both get through this hellish place to the happy other side.

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  3. Just when we think we have it all together it always bites us in the ass. Hugs!

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