10 O'Clock and Already a Difficult Day

I kept waking up every hour last night. I think I was anxious about testing. I feel well rested despite that, so oh well. Obviously the test was negative or this would be a very different post already. I knew it would be negative, I don't know why I even allow that tiny microgram of hope to persist month after month. Now I just have to hope AF rears her ugly head (just in time for my birthday) - otherwise I'll have a whole new reason to be sad.

I shrugged off the BFN this morning and got on with my shower and such. I was even in a good mood when I got to work. Maybe it was this false sense of security that made me think it would be okay to *finally* respond to a Facebook message I received last week. A good friend of mine who now lives in Colorado (with her gorgeous husband and adorable 6 month old boy that she got pregnant with when her husband *looked* at her, swear to God!) wrote to me asking how J and I are, saying she prays for us and thinks of us all the time. And then she asked what PCOS is and why it makes TTC so difficult. When I first got the message I was so shocked by this random act of caring that I didn't know how to respond. I've gotten so used to pulling out my soapbox and angrily (or at least with a pissy manor) railing on and on about the cruel injustices of infertility...that didn't seem an appropriate response to a kind question. So I sat on it for several days. Why did I think that I could handle answering it today?

I had to lie by omission about J because she's not telling *anyone* she's pregnant yet. And then I just gave her the super condensed version of how I got here: that my hormones are jacked up, so I never ovulate. That in a whole year of "ttc" I never really had a shot at getting pregnant. That I blew through all the clomid doses with, basically, zero response. That now we know we are also dealing with okay/sub-fertile sperm morphology so we may be looking at IUI eventually. And before I knew it, I was crying - though it was more like my eyes were leaking against my will and without permission. I know she'll probably try for another baby once this one is weaned, so I asked her to please forgive me if I don't immediately sound as happy as I should when she is pregnant again. That made my leaky eyes worse, the fact that I am planning for this woman to lap me.

I've got myself back under control, my tear ducts heavily reprimanded for losing their shit at the office. I think I didn't realize how hard it would hit me to go back over all the crap that's happened up until now. I mean, I deal with it on a daily basis, you'd think I could write about it with a certain amount of detatchement. Apparently not. Maybe the BFN hit me harder than I thought. Maybe it hurts extra to talk about my IF with a super-fertile. Who knows. But all this makes me so happy that I have this safe space to come to and unload, so I can get back to my day feeling less burdened. In 2 weeks I can go back to Dr. B and finally, officially, *really* start TTC for the first time. That's enough to put a smile on my face for now.