Homie, Don't Go There

(I don't know why, but that's something my former supervisor used to say).

Did you see this?

Presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich, while talking about how he thinks stem-cell research is a scientific excuse for "desensitizing society to killing babies", also mentioned that he thinks the regulations on frozen embryos in IVF clinics should be reviewed and possible tightened (never mind the fact that that in his previous political incarnation, he totally supported stem-cell research). Ok, lets set aside the stem-cell research part. Its *highly* political and I don't want to go there. I have my views, you have yours, and I'm not in a position to engage in an intelligent conversation about it. No, lets focus on the IVF clinic question. I am offended on behalf of anyone with frozen embies (sometimes lovingly referred to as "tot-sicles"). It is my understanding that the fate of unused frozen embryos is something that the owners struggle with and often agonize over. Keep them? Donate them to a couple? Donate them to science? Dispose of them?? It is a deeply personal decision that I don't feel anyone is in a position to question or look upon with judgement if they haven't faced the issue themselves. And whether he intended to or not, Newt Gingrich bringing up the issue of frozen embies at IVF clinics in the same conversation as stem-cell research, makes it seem like he thinks they are on equally immoral footing. Homie. DON'T. go there!

Thoughts? Opinions? Do you think I'm reading way too much into it?

ICLW Round Up

Better late than never, right?

I really enjoyed my first IComLeavWe. It required a certain time commitment, but not much more than I would spend on blogs in a normal day. I especially appreciated that it gave me the motivation to seek out more blogs. I found many of the initial blogs in my blogroll through Mel's Creme de la Creme list. So this was just another great tool to help me explore the ALI community online. I found new blogs to follow and read a lot of really awesome posts. Seriously, some people here have missed their calling as writers!

For my blog, I really appreciated the increased traffic. I like it when my posts can be treated more as a dialog than a monologue sometimes. Although I still monologue a good bit of the time. I felt it was important to update my blog daily for ICLW to make it easier for people to comment. That worked out fine since I had plenty to talk about. I know I won't keep that pace consistently; I certainly didn't this weekend. But events have a way of ebbing and flowing and I'll just roll with the tide. I haven't decided if I'm going to participate in February ICLW. That's another great thing about the project - I love that it is completed in 12 bite sized portions. A very workable commitment!

So thank you to all my visitors this past week. If you've decided to hang around and keep reading, excellent :-) If you think you'll stop by at the next ICLW, great! I just enjoy encouraging the conversation...

So, do any of you have any observations post-ICLW? Think you'll participate in the future? Did you pressure yourself to post more frequently?

I have a life?

Such a busy weekend ahead of me. I just went to the library and picked up the book that The Ladies in Waiting book club is reading next month. Very excited to start discussions about that. It will certainly be useful to keep my mind occupied and maybe for a while I can show that I do have other things that interest me besides obsessing over my infertility. For example: I now crochet. I also make jewelry, but my apartment is so small that pulling out all my jewelry crafting tools gets cumbersome and it clutters up our small living space easily. Crochet is far more portable.

My nephew is very excited that I have picked up this hobby because he has been wanting my sister to show him how to crochet for a few months. I'm not sure where he picked up on the idea, but I'm happy to share my hobby with him. I love that my sister is okay with her son being interested in "stereotypically girl things". He loves legos and star wars, and he's a boy scout - but when he was a baby he would coo like crazy in the Victoria's Secret store. We figured out his favorite color was pink, and we all had a good laugh about it. I think he's going to grow up to be a really well rounded person because no one is forcing him to live up to any particular image of what it is to be a "man". That makes me very proud :-)

And while I'm on the subject of well-roundedness, I might as well mention some other interests of mine that may come up. I *love* musical theater and if you ever saw me driving, I would be rocking out in my car to West Side Story, Avenue Q, Wicked, almost anything I can get my hands on. I just went to see one of my favorite musicals, RENT, at the university where I work. Our theater arts program is really good and the performance pretty well blew me away.

Look at that, a whole post about anything but my stupid, greedy ovaries. I feel like I'm growing! ;-)

So what kinds of hobbies and activities do you guys do to keep your brains busy?

Random Stuff

For once, I'm at a bit of a loss for what to say. Now that I've had my consult, there's not much going on. Just waiting to feel ready to get back on the horse. I've started crocheting and I'm really enjoying it. I'm hoping to crochet a baby blanket for my cousin. She's have a girl (tear) and is due at the end of March. It hurt a lot when I found out she was pregnant over the summer because I was on a forced TTC break while M was in California for three months. Felt like the longest three months of my life. I can't be too begrudging to my cousin, though. She ended up needing clomid in order to get pregnant and she has been very sweet asking about my TTC woes.

In other news I freaked the shit out of myself today by reading comments about the sonohysterogram procedure (or whatever its called). I'm convinced it is going to be the most painful experience of my life and I will get a life threatening infection in my uterus from it. That's what I get for reading things on the internet ::shakes head::. I've got a while to prepare myself and I can ask my parents if I can take vicodin for the pain. The useful, less hysterical, information I gleaned from personal reports about the procedure is: it can hurt more for women who have never given birth (check), and it can hurt worse for women who have a retroverted uterus (check, again). This does not help me feel better about it, but at least I am aware.

This entry is more word-vomit than usual. I've got a lot batting around my head and yet, not at the same time. Thank goodness my sister and I are going for a walk this evening. We always have a little therapy session while we exercise, LOL.

The Plan

So far, everything about Dr. B's office is wonderful. Wonderful staff, wonderful nurses, wonderful doctors. Our consult was pretty long - we were there from 1:45 to 3:30. I got to talk about the past year and how shabby it was. He agreed I needed to increase my metformin dose and doesn't see any reason why I shouldn't respond to clomid and a trigger shot. He wasn't at all concerned about the SA results, just suggested M take a multi-vitamin and an antioxidant formula to help with morphology. I told him I wanted to take a break and he said it was a good idea, he wants to see how my body reacts to the increased metformin anyway. I didn't get back on BCPs or spironolactone, but he did note on my chart that I respond incredibly well to spironolactone for my androgen issues. I guess it will be more helpful to be able to observe if the increased metformin is having any significant effect on me. Everyone in that office is so stupidly upbeat and positive, it almost made me feel guilty for having a pessimistic attitude. I stand by my argument that my ovaries don't know or care if I'm thinking positive or negative. I'm sorry, but I don't believe that my outlook has any kind of meta-physical impact on my MEDICAL CONDITION. Cancer patients don't wish away their tumors.

Anyway. We are taking a break and I'll work on upping my metformin in that time. When I'm ready to start treatments, I can call the office and let them know whether I have been cycling or not (haha, yeah right). If (when) I haven't, they'll have me go in to be monitored to see what my ovaries and uterus are doing. If they look like they're sitting pretty much dormant, we can start a cycle without using prometrium first. But if it looks like my lining is built up, they'll have me take prometrium first. First cycle is going to be very busy because I'm doing a clomid challenge with the option to do IUI if I'm responding AND an HSG and tons of blood work. Busy busy busy. But all of those procedures and tests and lab workups should provide us with a wealth of information.

On our way out, Dr. Bidwell said "See you in a few months, if you don't get pregnant on your own!" I hear of these mythical women, but from my experience they are the exception and I am the rule...

My Brain is Full

I'm too tired and my brain is too full to write out a full post about our consultation with Dr. B today. But I do want to say:

1.) Dr. B is awesome and I look forward to collaborating with him.

2.) The SA turned out to not really be an issue. All the numbers were great except morphology which was on the low end of normal (but still normal!).

3.) I am so so glad we are taking a break right now!

4.) I am *really* excited about starting treatments again in the spring.

I'll post more tomorrow, but for now my brain needs a good night's sleep to digest all the new information.

Mildly Sub-Fertile?

I don't know if its because I was raised by two nurses, or if its a control thing, or maybe an infertile thing, but it irritates the crap out of me when doctors' offices give you answers like "mildly sub-fertile" "not consistent with ovulation" and other equally ambiguous statements masquerading as useful information. Dude, just give me the NUMBERS. I'll use my google-fu and figure out the answers, thank you.

I didn't expect to hear anything about M's SA until we met with Dr. B tomorrow. Well, the results were also sent to Dr. P's office and they decided to give me a call. The results show, in Dr. P's opinion, we are working with "mildly sub-fertile" sperm. O-kaaaay... What am I supposed to do with this information? What was it? Motility? Morphology? Total quantity?? Liquification?? YOU HAVE TOLD ME NOTHING.

::deep breath:: Honestly, I'm handling the (lack of) information very well. I expected I might cry, or get grumpy or moody. But I have continued about my day in much the same way I expect I would have if the office had not called. And I haven't told anyone either, which is strange for me. I'm one of those people for whom something isn't real until I share it with another person. Although, I guess I am sharing it here with whoever (whomever?) is reading... Nah, you guys don't count ;-)

We have our big consult with Dr. B tomorrow and I can pry the specific numbers out of him, so I don't want to worry about it until then. This does give me about 24 hours to worry about how M will react to the news. I've suspected I would have fertility issues since my body tried to kill me in the 8th grade. Then my sister was diagnosed PCOS a year or two ahead of me, so I had time to get used to the idea that this might be my world. It came on gradually over time, coalescing into a diagnosis in 2006. I don't know what it would be like to have no idea something was wrong and then be slapped in the face with "mildly sub-fertile", whatever the fuck that means...

Dr. P recommended IUI, that's about $1400 per cycle. I don't know how I feel about that. Thank God we are taking a break right now. It gives us time to digest all the new information and come up with an informed decision and plan. And money. It gives us a little more time to come up with all. the. MONEY. Fucking infertility.

On a related note, if you are the praying sort, please keep M in your prayers. He has been looking for a job since November and the *perfect* job just came open at the university I work for. If he got this job...God, I'm afraid to even dream about the amazing possibilities. We'd certainly be able to afford a few IUI cycles, that's for sure. So, yeah, prayers are welcome and appreciated. How's everyone's ICLW going? I'm loving it! ;-)

Flashback

I've been blogging for a long time - since my freshman year in college actually. But I only recently made the move to Blogger. I couldn't find a way to back-date entries here, so the past year of TTC and infertility posts are still hanging out over at LiveJournal. I wanted to post the entry where I came to the decision to take a TTC break. I feel like it was a turning point in my IF journey. Also because the KA referenced in the post has continued to be a challenge for me. I'm this close to blocking her on Facebook. And she would stay blocked for a couple years at least. Her excessive fertility grates on me that much. And then I feel the obligatory guilt, then I excuse myself because Hello! Infertility sucks! lather, rinse, repeat... So anyway, I have included that old post below. I think it was at that point I realized I may be in this for the long haul, and finding a community of women who are going through the same trials, anger, and heartache might be the only thing that gets me through to the end.

12/30/11 New Year, Same Old Wish...

I've been mildly depressed ever since finding out that KA is having a girl. It is so painful being infertile in a fertile world. I took my clomid as prescribed. I've been keeping up with my metformin everyday. All I have to show for it is the worst hot-flashes yet and very poor sleep. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of claiming I'm "TTC" when really there is no chance of me getting pregnant. In 12 months I ovulated twice. And both times I had given up, so the timing of sex was such that pregnancy was almost flat out hopeless. When I don't try, I ovulate. When I try, I find out there was no reason to try. I'm frustrated and so very tired. My sister only needed 50mg of clomid when she got pregnant with Alex. I'm already on 150mg and getting the feeling that even that isn't enough. How long, oh Lord, how long? How much heartache and time and money will the simple act of bringing another human being into this world take? An everyday miracle that seems as easy as breathing to most people, but like walking on the moon for the infertile.

I'm so tired of hating my body. I've hated it for one reason or another for most of my life. I hate suffering through the excess hair, acne, and weight AND STILL NOT OVULATING. I would happily endure non-stop hot flashes, sleepless nights, breaking out like a teenager - ANYTHING - if I would just ovulate consistently.

That's how down trodden I am. I'm not asking or even *hoping* for pregnancy anymore. I'd just like to ovulate. I'd like to have roughly 12 cycles a year. I would like all the money, time, effort, and discomfort to pay off JUST A LITTLE BIT.

I'm going to keep trying this cycle. I'm going to throw everything I can at it because then I know for sure it will fail spectacularly. And then I can take a break. I can go back on BCP and spironolactone and work on regaining my lost self-esteem.

Now, where to hide the bodies...

First, welcome to anyone who is here for IComLeavWe :-) Thanks for visiting!

What is it about bleeding profusely that sends some women (myself included) into a mild psychotic episode? I didn't just wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I woke up in the wrong bed - apparently Satan's bed. Poor, poor M... sometimes I wonder if he feels like he married Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde.

Fortunately, I calmed down around noon and now I'm just a bit whiny whenever my uterus becomes particularly achy. I'm also craving greasy protein. I want a philly cheesesteak or one of those burgers with a fried egg on top! ::drool:: Normally that kind of food would make me feel nauseated just thinking of it. I can't get back on birth control soon enough. Suppress these crazy hormones!!

I was so busy this past week at work I didn't realize until today that my appointment with Dr. B is almost here! Hooray!! Discussion, answers, planning! The stuff on which I thrive. I warned M that I am going to cry during the consult. Its not if, its when. It doesn't matter what Dr. B says, I have an inability to hold it together when talking to doctors about my infertility. That's not to say I'm not thrilled to be talking to a specialist...I guess its just a part of my human frailty.

Let's review what we've learned today: 1.) I can be a psycho bitch when AF is in town, 2.) Someone needs to take my husband into protective custody when that happens, 3.) I regularly hold two discordant emotions in me at the same time. I'm just a treasure of a person, aren't I? ::facepalm::

Cabin Fever

"I got cabin fever it's burning in my brain
I've got cabin fever it's driving me insane
We got cabin fever, we're flipping our bandanas
Been stuck at sea so long we have simply gone bananas" - Muppet Treasure Island

I had a really rough day at work today. We are so so busy with several different projects PLUS I hadn't reconciled my department credit card for the past 3 months. I worked through lunch and quite literally sat at my desk for 8 hours straight. I was feeling pretty crap-tastic by the time I left. All I wanted to do was go for a walk; stretch my legs, get a little exercise. But its stupidly cold here and snowing those tiny, mean little flakes that fall more horizontally than vertically so you have to blink a lot. And I don't want to walk indoors somewhere by myself. My sister and I used to have a great arrangement where we would go walking together and have a mini therapy session. She'd talk about whatever was stressing her, I'd gripe about the things bothering me - it was perfect. And then she moved across town. Its not nearly as easy to meet up now that we don't live down the street from each other. No one was available, so I just went home.

There comes a point in every winter season when I start to lose it just a little. I'm tired of waking up in the dark, going home in the dark. Tired of being cold, tired of even simple errands being complicated because of the weather. I'm tired of spending all my time indoors - I'm climbing the walls. I'm sick of winter and ready for spring! But spring, for this region, is still a good 2 months away... Then I get sad. sedentary. moody. And that's about where I'm at tonight.

Only two things are making me feel better: alcohol and Stoneybrook Wives.  My friend and I geek out over shared memories of reading the Babysitters' Club Books and now she has started humorously detailing her idea of what happened to the girls when they grew up. It forced me to crack a smile even in my bad mood. As for alcohol, well I need more of it, so I'll be signing off now. Anyone else going stir crazy from the winter doldrums??

Just Some Comments

Progesterone pills make me rather aggressive. That has been interesting. I haven't been taking my metformin regularly. I know I'm a bad girl for that. My body will punish me one way or another - terrible acne, random dark hairs cropping up, something. Oh PCOS, you bitch. I can't ever just walk away from you can I?

Today was the dreaded SA appointment. M decided he did want me to go with him as long as I promised not to make the experience any more awkward than it already was. I took the opportunity to drop off my Encyclopedia of Curly Sue's and M's Familial Medical History at Dr. B's office. While we waited for the nurse to call M back, I turned to him and quoted My Big Fat Greek Wedding: "Any second now you're gonna look at me and go, 'Ha. Yeah, right, you're so not worth this.'" I kept apologizing for him having to be there. "I'm sorry that because *I'm* broken, you have to be here doing this." In the end I suppose it wasn't so bad; M got through it and he didn't seem too scarred. I just feel bad for being the cause of all this...infertility...mess. I'm anxious to find out the results. I'm pretty terrible at being patient.

Accomplishments

Its funny - I am just ending my first foray into infertility treatments and transitioning into a TTC break, yet I feel like I am accomplishing more towards getting me pregnant than I have in the past year. My husband, M, has an SA scheduled for this week and next week I get to meet Dr. B. We will have a much clearer picture of what we're up against. And I'll finally be able to tell my side of things. I love Dr. P, don't get me wrong, but she wasn't one for listening to what I thought or wanted. She is, admittedly, limited in what she can do for infertility and I can't fault her for that. But I am really looking forward to collaborating with a doctor on my treatment regimen. And not being treated like I have to fit in a box. What good does a 21 day progesterone check do for you if you ovulate late? Or if you don't ovulate at all??

Yesterday evening was spent going over the novella of medical history forms from the doctor's office. I'll be honest, I was raised by two nurses, and I hadn't even heard of some of the diseases and disorders mentioned on the forms. Also, I found it frustratingly difficult to answer some of the questions about AF (Aunt Flo). See, years before I was diagnosed with PCOS, amenorrhea, and annovulation, I was dealing with a very different problem. My body tried to kill me over the course of three months by bleeding fairly unceasingly. Its called menorrhagia. When I was 14 years old I was hospitalized because I was so desperately anemic that I couldn't stand up without severe dizziness, headaches, and passing out. No one ever explained to me what was wrong. I still have no idea why my body decided that my AF should go on and on until I had bled out and died. I don't know if that episode was an early indication of my PCOS in any way. So when the medical forms ask certain questions, I am at a loss how to answer. I've never had normal periods and after the menorrhagia was discover, I was thrown on BCPs. I was literally on BCPs from age 14 until age 26. Anytime I randomly went off BCPs (I was kind of wishy washy with my meds in my college years) I wouldn't have an AF on my own. I actually put a question mark down as the answer for a few questions which for anyone else would have been straight-forward.

Me and my silly body...

Tag Team Fertility

There are many benefits to having a sister with the same diagnosis as myself. J, my sister, and I are now seeing the same Dr. Her next appointment is even the same day as my consult! And now that I am ready to take a break from these God-awful, clomid induced hot flashes, J is starting her first treatment since the miscarriage.

Tag, you're it!

It is nice to know that while I take a break, I can obsess about her cycles and her progress. And genuinely cheer for her success, like I do for any fellow ALI sister. There's little else to keep me occupied as winter wears on. And with no temping, charting, or possible symptoms of my own to dissect, I'm not sure what I will do with all that free time. Blog? Chores? Resume an old hobby? Or sit and stare at my computer. Stare at the TV.

As much as I want and need this break, a part of me wants to keep trying. I guess its my impatience mingled with fear and a need for control. "How long will it take to get pregnant?" that part asks. "What if I lose my first pregnancy? What if I have diminished ovarian reserve??"  We could play this game forever. It doesn't do any good. Hopefully I can calm down after my appointment on the 24th.

How to Make Love to a Plastic Cup

More phone calls to doctor's offices today. Arranged to pick up an order for an SA for my husband, M. He is not thrilled about this, but has resigned himself to his fate. I reminded him that it could be worse - he could be penetrated by a machine. Thanks to trans-vaginal ultrasounds I can now claim I have had sex with a machine. For the love of God, they even put a condom on it. He can spooge in a cup.

I'm excited to be seeing Dr. B in two weeks. I know I'm ready for a break from all this, but it will make me much calmer to have a plan in place and things to accomplish during that break. I'm trying not to think about the fact that I will almost certainly not be pregnant before the summer. I had hoped to be hugely pregnant in time for my 10 year high school reunion... If I don't remember such innocent, ignorant dreams, I can actually relax a little.

Off to See the Wizard

Good-bye Dr. P, hello Dr. B.

Did you know that medical labs will report blood progesterone levels below 1? I mean, they won't just say "zero" or "essentially zero" - no, they'll give it to you in decimals. Did you know you can even have a blood progesterone level that is lower than a whole number? I do because that is what my body has regularly regurgitated even after pharmacological intervention. The latest in a line of Epic Fails with clomid: 0.3 - That's a clear "fuck you" issued from my ovaries. So I guess my New Year's resolution of ovulating with greater frequency is off to a pretty bad start...

I thought this was the end of the line for Dr. P and I since I'm up to 150mg of clomid. Surprisingly, the nurse informed me Dr. P had authorized them to bump up the prescription by another 50mg for one last shot before shipping me off to The Land of Oz - I mean, Infertility. After hearing my last progesterone numbers, though, I turned them down. What good is 50mg more going to do me when this obviously isn't working? Its been four long cycles and I am emotionally drained from all the failures, especially after the one time it did work. A more innocent version of myself thought that was it and we had found my silver bullet. Silly, stupid girl...

So its onto Dr. B's office. I've never met him, but I feel like I know him already. My sister, J, has been his patient for years now. He works with Dr. G - the PCOS Guru as my mom refers to him. So, the Wizard and the Guru; hopefully between the two of them they can at least get me ovulating with some regularity. I don't even want to think about how much this is all going to cost...Insurance will only cover my first medicated cycle with Dr. B because it is "diagnostic". After that it is considered "treatment" and that part of infertility isn't covered. But that's another rant for another day...

Remembering to be Thankful

Two years ago today my sister found out she was miscarrying. She was pregnant with triplets. My heart still breaks for her.

In the thick of my sorrows, when I've built up a good momentum for feeling sorry for myself, it can be hard to remember that I have so much to be thankful for. I have not gotten pregnant, that's true - I'm not even ovulating. But I have to admit, this status of things is much preferred to getting pregnant and losing the baby. That's a situation I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

And I should be grateful that I have someone close to me who is going through the same struggles. My sister and I both have PCOS. I don't acknowledge it as often as I should, but my sister is a great comfort to me. We vent at each other and cry with each other and cheer about the silly little triumphs with each other. It would be ten times as hard on me if we were not in this infertility hell together (hey, misery loves company, right?).

I'm going to try to be mindful of these things over the next few months. I'm waiting for Dr. P's office to call with my CD21 progesterone levels (miserable as they will be) and then I'm taking a TTC break. After four medicated cycles with only  one ovulation, I'm at the end of the road with Dr. P. She'll have to refer me out for anything else and I don't have insurance coverage for an infertility specialist. I hate waiting. I hate wasting time when I know my body will only get worse, but I don't have much of a choice. God will teach me patience even if it kills me, I guess.

Coming Out

We risk a lot in putting ourselves "out there" on the internet. Misunderstandings, hasty judgments, lacking compassion. There is always the danger when we venture out in search of validation, we will instead face ridicule and shame. But some things have to be said anyway. So I'm coming out. I've kept the last year of journal entries private -I've switched to a new blog host for a fresh start. Even if I'm only talking to myself, I want to go on the record from this point forward: I am an infertility warrior.    I'm in the trenches, actively fighting. And it sucks. A lot. Everyday, in fact. I kept my TTC (trying to conceive) journey private up until now because I figured that putting it all out there would be rude. Infertility makes people uncomfortable, squirmy. People don't know what to say or how to act when they find out you can't get pregnant the "old fashioned way". Well I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of pretending everything is okay. I'm tired of gritting my teeth as I fake a smile through every. damn. pregnancy. announcement. If the fertiles of the world feel comfortable telling us about every symptom, every poke, every Braxton Hicks contraction, then why can't I put my journey out there just the same? Because it isn't happy? Because it doesn't affirm that this is a just and fair world? Well screw that. Its my life and its just as valid as the next person's.   You see, I need a space. Somewhere to put all these thoughts and feelings that I never wanted to have, but grip me nonetheless. And I need to share that space in the hopes that it can help even one other person who is struggling like me. Infertility is so lonely and isolating... Is there anyone out there?

Throwing in the Towel

"I throw up my hands
"Oh, the impossibilities"
Frustrated and tired
Where do I go from here?
Now I'm searching for the confidence I've lost so willingly
Overcoming these obstacles is overcoming my fear" - Relient K

It didn't work. Well, of course it didn't work - I knew it wouldn't work. But there's always that tiny corner of your mind where you allow Hope to continue clinging despite everything. All the things I had control over were done exactly right, so I guaranteed that it would fail. It still hurts though...

At least now I know and I can stop wondering and prepare myself for the miserable blood test results that are forthcoming. And then I can take a break. I can pretend to be blissfully unaware of all my wretched fertility problems and act like getting pregnant is the farthest thing from my mind.

I don't really have a choice until Matt gets a job anyway. Can't afford to go to a RE until then.