January 10, 2012

Coming Out

We risk a lot in putting ourselves "out there" on the internet. Misunderstandings, hasty judgments, lacking compassion. There is always the danger when we venture out in search of validation, we will instead face ridicule and shame. But some things have to be said anyway.

So I'm coming out. I've kept the last year of journal entries private -I've switched to a new blog host for a fresh start. Even if I'm only talking to myself, I want to go on the record from this point forward:

I am an infertility warrior
I'm in the trenches, actively fighting. And it sucks. A lot. Everyday, in fact. I kept my TTC (trying to conceive) journey private up until now because I figured that putting it all out there would be rude. Infertility makes people uncomfortable, squirmy. People don't know what to say or how to act when they find out you can't get pregnant the "old fashioned way". Well I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of pretending everything is okay. I'm tired of gritting my teeth as I fake a smile through every. damn. pregnancy. announcement. If the fertiles of the world feel comfortable telling us about every symptom, every poke, every Braxton Hicks contraction, then why can't I put my journey out there just the same? Because it isn't happy? Because it doesn't affirm that this is a just and fair world? Well screw that. Its my life and its just as valid as the next person's.
You see, I need a space. Somewhere to put all these thoughts and feelings that I never wanted to have, but grip me nonetheless. And I need to share that space in the hopes that it can help even one other person who is struggling like me. Infertility is so lonely and isolating... Is there anyone out there?


  1. I recently started my blog too. It was a hard decision whether or not to make it private or not. I think, even if people don't comment, there is something cathartic in knowing that you are OPEN.

    You and I are on on the same timeline. Different diagnoses, but same feelings, frustrations, and fears. It's not easy- but you aren't alone.

    1. You are my first comment! And I don't even know you IRL! ::big internet hug!:: Thank you so much - I agree that just putting the words down, out in the open, is extremely therapeutic. Starting this blog shook me out of a weeks long "down in the dumps" feeling :)