I made it!!! Negative OPK yesterday afternoon and a second high temp today has me convinced I may have actually ovulated *and* gotten in well-timed lovin' with M. I actually have some reason to be hopeful for a positive outcome! That's only the...second time this has happened in a year and a half of TTC! Maybe three...regardless, the statistic is abysmally low.
I can't even tell you how happy this makes me, but I guess I'll try! This means the surgery has helped - the ovarian drilling was definitely worth it! I think I would recommend the surgery to other PCOSers who are in the same boat as me: a "thin" PCOS (I am not thin by normal accounts, but according to the PCOS standard, I am), on metformin with little improvement, poor or no response to clomid, and hyper Poly-cystic ovaries (I had a ton of tiny follicles every month, more than your average PCOSer). The time I had to take off in order to do this was definitely worth it. The tiny little scars on my tummy are *totally* worth it. I guess the real test, however, is going to be next month. Will 100mg clomid without a trigger work twice in a row? History says it will not. When I have ovulated on clomid, it has never worked the second month. Although, I can always hope there won't *be* a second month of clomid because we got in 2 nights of sexy-time right before I (hopefully) ovulated. The only other cycle that gave me this much hope was my IUI back in March.
I'm back in the game, baby!
Showing posts with label Ovarian Drilling. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ovarian Drilling. Show all posts
August 01, 2012
July 19, 2012
Drugs are Bad, Mmkay?
I finally heard back from my RE's office. I had to leave a voicemail this morning because I still hadn't gotten a response to my email. Their email system has been having problems, the nurse informs me. Well that's unhelpful.
I did manage to convey to the nurse that, while I understand the purpose of their using the trigger shot, I just went through surgery to try to never have to use one again. I said I'd really like to see if my body can do this with less meds and besides, this is all very expensive and I can't afford to keep doing it. I did agree to keep my u/s appointment for Monday so we can see if the clomid is affecting follicle growth. If this cycle goes well, though, I only want to do the baseline u/s for the next 2 cycles. If it looks like I'm ovulating, but am still not pregnant in 3 months, I will be willing to talk about increasing meds and monitoring.
Deep, cleansing breaths. I can't believe I'm already getting bent out of shape. God these meds *suck*. I always feel like I'm on the defensive when I talk to my RE's office and that really hinders my verbal communication abilities. I feel like I come off as a whiny 4-year-old instead of an intelligent 28-year-old who has well developed opinions about her fertility treatment options...
I'm exhausted now. Between my workout and that phone convo (and the hot-flashes waking me up 10 times last night...) I'm wiped. How am I going to get through this cycle without going crazy? And then, how will I get through the next and the next? (Because I refuse to believe I will be so lucky as to get pregnant "quickly"). For now, I can go lose myself in Big Brother gossip, at least.
I did manage to convey to the nurse that, while I understand the purpose of their using the trigger shot, I just went through surgery to try to never have to use one again. I said I'd really like to see if my body can do this with less meds and besides, this is all very expensive and I can't afford to keep doing it. I did agree to keep my u/s appointment for Monday so we can see if the clomid is affecting follicle growth. If this cycle goes well, though, I only want to do the baseline u/s for the next 2 cycles. If it looks like I'm ovulating, but am still not pregnant in 3 months, I will be willing to talk about increasing meds and monitoring.
Deep, cleansing breaths. I can't believe I'm already getting bent out of shape. God these meds *suck*. I always feel like I'm on the defensive when I talk to my RE's office and that really hinders my verbal communication abilities. I feel like I come off as a whiny 4-year-old instead of an intelligent 28-year-old who has well developed opinions about her fertility treatment options...
I'm exhausted now. Between my workout and that phone convo (and the hot-flashes waking me up 10 times last night...) I'm wiped. How am I going to get through this cycle without going crazy? And then, how will I get through the next and the next? (Because I refuse to believe I will be so lucky as to get pregnant "quickly"). For now, I can go lose myself in Big Brother gossip, at least.
July 16, 2012
The Good, The Bad, And The Confusing
When will I learn that my RE appointments never go the way I think they will?
Let's get all the good news out there first: My ovaries look good! roughly 12 tiny follicles on each (which is amazing for me). The Guru was very happy to see such a strong response so soon after the surgery. Apparently, it can take up to 6 months to feel the full effects.
Also, M's interview went great this morning *happy dance* They are interviewing 3 people total for the job and will make their decision in 2 weeks. Another 2ww, go figure. Well, I've gotten pretty good at those, I guess.
The Bad: Me and 6am are not good friends. Me and any time before 7am are barely on speaking terms, really. But that's what time I had to be up to get to my appointment. As such, even after draining my coffee mug in 20 minutes, my brain was still 90% non-functioning during my appointment. This is bad because things happen very fast at my RE's office. They come in, Wanda goes up the vag, they talk for a minute, and then they're gone! So if you've got questions or concerns, you have to jump right in and demand they stop for two seconds.
I am not capable of doing that when my brain is 90% non-functioning. I knew that Dr. B had already noted in my chart I should be prescribed 100mg clomid this cycle. And I've already mentioned how I was willing to go even lower and slower with getting back on the clomid-crazy-train. But since it was the Guru at this appointment, I decided it wasn't that big of a deal. You know what *is* a big deal? Finding out from the nurse that they expect me to do a trigger shot this cycle. Excuse me, what??? Cue....
The Confusing: So, I just had surgery and took a 3 month TTC hiatus to come back and do the same damn protocol as before??? Because that makes ZERO sense. At my post-op appointment with Dr. B, we discussed scaling back on treatment because we need to see what my body is doing now that there's less toxic levels of testosterone floating around. So how will doing the SAME THING show us anything at all? I have proof that I just ovulated on my own, without drugs! It was my understanding that we'd do 100mg of clomid and see what happens. If that doesn't work, then of course we would up the dose or include a trigger. But to do that as the very first intervention seems completely unnecessary. I am finally in a good head space where I am willing to slow down and try to keep my sanity while we go through this and they are stepping on the gas.
What I should have said to the nurse was "I'm sorry, Dr. B never mentioned this to me. I think there may be some confusion. Can we please make sure that this is correct information before proceeding. I don't want to use a trigger shot on my first cycle back on meds if I don't have to."
Instead, I looked bewildered at her and said "What...? But...I had surgery...I thought I wouldn't have to do that..." To which I got a mostly brush off response of "Oh, its fine, we do this so you know exactly when you ovulate for IUI or even for Timed Intercourse. Ok, let's go draw some blood!"
Okay, that's very nice and all, but I don't. want. the. shot. I will have to have another expensive ultrasound in order to use the shot. I am draining my savings account as is, I don't need help. But none of these words came to me this morning. Instead I stood there feeling stupid and confused.
Then, just to solidify that they think I'm a moron, the nurse tried sticking me in the vein I told her NOT to use, so I got stuck twice for my useless pregnancy test. And they scheduled my next ultrasound (the one to check for follicles to time the trigger shot that I don't even want) for CD11. Only because I said with CD12 we might miss the boat.
All in all, a frustrating visit. I don't understand why they rush and talk about my treatment assuming I'm already aware of what's going on. How would I know what we were doing before now? I *thought* I knew, but clearly that isn't happening. And I wish to God I'd had the mental faculties to just say "Stop! Wait! I am confused and we need to talk about this!" I've tried various strategies to help me keep track of my questions, concerns, and comments during appointments, but none of them have worked. I always let myself get plowed over while I sit there lost and confused and they rush around me.
My sister told me to write an email to the generic nurse address for the office. She was at my post-op appointment and agrees it isn't right that they have me doing a trigger because we never discussed that. She told me to ask them to have Dr. B review my chart and ask if I can forgo the trigger so we can see if clomid alone is enough.
Am I crazy? I mean, I know they are used to doing more serious drug protocols at this office, but that doesn't mean I *have* to do it that way, does it? I don't like the way clomid makes me feel and that stupid trigger gives me pregnancy symptoms - so if I can minimize their use, I really want to! Nevermind the financial aspect of it all.
Let's get all the good news out there first: My ovaries look good! roughly 12 tiny follicles on each (which is amazing for me). The Guru was very happy to see such a strong response so soon after the surgery. Apparently, it can take up to 6 months to feel the full effects.
Also, M's interview went great this morning *happy dance* They are interviewing 3 people total for the job and will make their decision in 2 weeks. Another 2ww, go figure. Well, I've gotten pretty good at those, I guess.
The Bad: Me and 6am are not good friends. Me and any time before 7am are barely on speaking terms, really. But that's what time I had to be up to get to my appointment. As such, even after draining my coffee mug in 20 minutes, my brain was still 90% non-functioning during my appointment. This is bad because things happen very fast at my RE's office. They come in, Wanda goes up the vag, they talk for a minute, and then they're gone! So if you've got questions or concerns, you have to jump right in and demand they stop for two seconds.
I am not capable of doing that when my brain is 90% non-functioning. I knew that Dr. B had already noted in my chart I should be prescribed 100mg clomid this cycle. And I've already mentioned how I was willing to go even lower and slower with getting back on the clomid-crazy-train. But since it was the Guru at this appointment, I decided it wasn't that big of a deal. You know what *is* a big deal? Finding out from the nurse that they expect me to do a trigger shot this cycle. Excuse me, what??? Cue....
The Confusing: So, I just had surgery and took a 3 month TTC hiatus to come back and do the same damn protocol as before??? Because that makes ZERO sense. At my post-op appointment with Dr. B, we discussed scaling back on treatment because we need to see what my body is doing now that there's less toxic levels of testosterone floating around. So how will doing the SAME THING show us anything at all? I have proof that I just ovulated on my own, without drugs! It was my understanding that we'd do 100mg of clomid and see what happens. If that doesn't work, then of course we would up the dose or include a trigger. But to do that as the very first intervention seems completely unnecessary. I am finally in a good head space where I am willing to slow down and try to keep my sanity while we go through this and they are stepping on the gas.
What I should have said to the nurse was "I'm sorry, Dr. B never mentioned this to me. I think there may be some confusion. Can we please make sure that this is correct information before proceeding. I don't want to use a trigger shot on my first cycle back on meds if I don't have to."
Instead, I looked bewildered at her and said "What...? But...I had surgery...I thought I wouldn't have to do that..." To which I got a mostly brush off response of "Oh, its fine, we do this so you know exactly when you ovulate for IUI or even for Timed Intercourse. Ok, let's go draw some blood!"
Okay, that's very nice and all, but I don't. want. the. shot. I will have to have another expensive ultrasound in order to use the shot. I am draining my savings account as is, I don't need help. But none of these words came to me this morning. Instead I stood there feeling stupid and confused.
Then, just to solidify that they think I'm a moron, the nurse tried sticking me in the vein I told her NOT to use, so I got stuck twice for my useless pregnancy test. And they scheduled my next ultrasound (the one to check for follicles to time the trigger shot that I don't even want) for CD11. Only because I said with CD12 we might miss the boat.
All in all, a frustrating visit. I don't understand why they rush and talk about my treatment assuming I'm already aware of what's going on. How would I know what we were doing before now? I *thought* I knew, but clearly that isn't happening. And I wish to God I'd had the mental faculties to just say "Stop! Wait! I am confused and we need to talk about this!" I've tried various strategies to help me keep track of my questions, concerns, and comments during appointments, but none of them have worked. I always let myself get plowed over while I sit there lost and confused and they rush around me.
My sister told me to write an email to the generic nurse address for the office. She was at my post-op appointment and agrees it isn't right that they have me doing a trigger because we never discussed that. She told me to ask them to have Dr. B review my chart and ask if I can forgo the trigger so we can see if clomid alone is enough.
Am I crazy? I mean, I know they are used to doing more serious drug protocols at this office, but that doesn't mean I *have* to do it that way, does it? I don't like the way clomid makes me feel and that stupid trigger gives me pregnancy symptoms - so if I can minimize their use, I really want to! Nevermind the financial aspect of it all.
June 28, 2012
Normal
So here's something I know most of you can relate to: I have no earthly idea what it is like to be reproductively "normal". Let me explain why I'm thinking about this.
I am still producing gobs of EWCM. My cervix feels medium/high-ish and is getting softer. I've been struggling with my brain telling me I *have* to have sex now now NOW or I'll miss my chance maybe possibly and OMG what if this never happens again?!?! Old habits die hard. But Saturday will be CD12 and the weekend is when M and I are more likely to have sex anyway. For a "normal" person, fertile symptoms around now would mean that sex over the weekend could produce a pregnancy. I simply can't fathom that. Fertile symptoms for *days* leading up to ovulating as early as CD14?? That sounds like a fairy tale.
I am totally familiar and well versed in the crazy shit a PCOS body is capable of doing. Spotting non-stop for weeks? Been there. Bleeding heavily for days and days? Done that. Absolutely nothing at all for months on end? So old hat. But "normal" fertility? I'm kind of at a loss. I sort of remember what I read in Taking Charge of Your Fertility - I mean I know how this is basically supposed to work. But I'm not super close with any Fertiles that I feel comfortable asking them "So, when do you start to notice EWCM in your cycle?"
And I don't know if my body is behaving like a PCOS body or a "normal" body right now. That is hard for me. It is safest to assume that I'm as not-normal as ever. But there is the chance that the surgery really did help and all that toxic testosterone is out of my system for now...
I have learned so much patience and pragmatism this year, yet I'm clearly a long way from learning patience with my body and my cycles.
In other news that occasionally distracts me from thinking about ovulating, things are really picking up in the job search for M. We hope to hear back about scheduling two more interviews next week! I am praying so hard that he gets a job by the end of the summer!!
I am still producing gobs of EWCM. My cervix feels medium/high-ish and is getting softer. I've been struggling with my brain telling me I *have* to have sex now now NOW or I'll miss my chance maybe possibly and OMG what if this never happens again?!?! Old habits die hard. But Saturday will be CD12 and the weekend is when M and I are more likely to have sex anyway. For a "normal" person, fertile symptoms around now would mean that sex over the weekend could produce a pregnancy. I simply can't fathom that. Fertile symptoms for *days* leading up to ovulating as early as CD14?? That sounds like a fairy tale.
I am totally familiar and well versed in the crazy shit a PCOS body is capable of doing. Spotting non-stop for weeks? Been there. Bleeding heavily for days and days? Done that. Absolutely nothing at all for months on end? So old hat. But "normal" fertility? I'm kind of at a loss. I sort of remember what I read in Taking Charge of Your Fertility - I mean I know how this is basically supposed to work. But I'm not super close with any Fertiles that I feel comfortable asking them "So, when do you start to notice EWCM in your cycle?"
And I don't know if my body is behaving like a PCOS body or a "normal" body right now. That is hard for me. It is safest to assume that I'm as not-normal as ever. But there is the chance that the surgery really did help and all that toxic testosterone is out of my system for now...
I have learned so much patience and pragmatism this year, yet I'm clearly a long way from learning patience with my body and my cycles.
In other news that occasionally distracts me from thinking about ovulating, things are really picking up in the job search for M. We hope to hear back about scheduling two more interviews next week! I am praying so hard that he gets a job by the end of the summer!!
June 26, 2012
Ray of Sunshine
Wow, June has *flown* by! Next month I can go back to fertility treatments, crazy!
God is, however briefly, smiling down on M and I the past few days. He had that interview on Friday which went well (calls are being made today and tomorrow for second interviews). And today he got called for an interview with a company *much* closer to home. We would not need to move and I could keep my job. I'm so excited to finally see some activity and responses to all of M's hard work! Seriously, this is the most action we've had on the job front since he started his search.
As for my lady bits, I still can't figure out if or how well the surgery has helped things. I did get AF on my own, but I was doing that back in the winter, too. And AF doesn't prove that I ovulated since so many PCOSers have annovulatory bleeding (I never did before January, 2012, but apparently this is my new norm). The spotting has finally stopped (there is way more spotting since January than I've ever had, also) and even though I am only on CD8, I have EWCM. It is very obvious and there is tons of it, I could not possibly be mistaken. I'm frustrated by this because it seems way too early in the cycle for this to be a good thing. It is more likely proof that my hormones are still out of whack than it is a sign of impending O. But then, I am rather jaded when it comes to my body, aren't I? I am still temping and I decided this cycle I would actually chart them, just to see. I refuse to put any pressure on myself to TTC this cycle, though. No scheduled sexy-time for this lady! I'm sticking to a "wait and see" attitude. If my body O's on its own, then it is likely to do it again and I can try to catch the egg *next* time.
For now I'm focusing on finishing strong in my weight training class, making steady progress on my afghan so I can start my other projects for my sister and the baby soon, and drooling over real estate in our area. M and I have decided to start going to open houses when we see something we like - just to get our feet wet and see what is available in our price range. So far we have not been disappointed and are more desperate than ever for a job so we can become home owners. I'm very happy that the money left over from his trust fund puts us in a good position as far as a down payment goes. In our area it still appears to very much be a buyer's market and I hope it stays that way for another year.
Today I feel really positive and hopeful. Something good is on the horizon for us, I'm sure of it.
God is, however briefly, smiling down on M and I the past few days. He had that interview on Friday which went well (calls are being made today and tomorrow for second interviews). And today he got called for an interview with a company *much* closer to home. We would not need to move and I could keep my job. I'm so excited to finally see some activity and responses to all of M's hard work! Seriously, this is the most action we've had on the job front since he started his search.
As for my lady bits, I still can't figure out if or how well the surgery has helped things. I did get AF on my own, but I was doing that back in the winter, too. And AF doesn't prove that I ovulated since so many PCOSers have annovulatory bleeding (I never did before January, 2012, but apparently this is my new norm). The spotting has finally stopped (there is way more spotting since January than I've ever had, also) and even though I am only on CD8, I have EWCM. It is very obvious and there is tons of it, I could not possibly be mistaken. I'm frustrated by this because it seems way too early in the cycle for this to be a good thing. It is more likely proof that my hormones are still out of whack than it is a sign of impending O. But then, I am rather jaded when it comes to my body, aren't I? I am still temping and I decided this cycle I would actually chart them, just to see. I refuse to put any pressure on myself to TTC this cycle, though. No scheduled sexy-time for this lady! I'm sticking to a "wait and see" attitude. If my body O's on its own, then it is likely to do it again and I can try to catch the egg *next* time.
For now I'm focusing on finishing strong in my weight training class, making steady progress on my afghan so I can start my other projects for my sister and the baby soon, and drooling over real estate in our area. M and I have decided to start going to open houses when we see something we like - just to get our feet wet and see what is available in our price range. So far we have not been disappointed and are more desperate than ever for a job so we can become home owners. I'm very happy that the money left over from his trust fund puts us in a good position as far as a down payment goes. In our area it still appears to very much be a buyer's market and I hope it stays that way for another year.
Today I feel really positive and hopeful. Something good is on the horizon for us, I'm sure of it.
June 06, 2012
When Infertility Doesn't Eat Your Life
Life is good. I can see how eventually deciding to accept a child-free life can be freeing, even as it is very sad. When you're not in the trenches, actively getting let down *every month*, it is so much easier to see the sun. To see that there is life beyond our broken reproductive parts. And that life is full of many good things. I feel more positive and more hopeful than I have all year. This little TTC break is very different from the last one.
Another wonderful side effect of my happy outlook is that I can be truly, and without jealousy, *happy* for all the bloggers I follow that have gotten a BFP in recent weeks and months. When I was at my darkest, shortly before my surgery, I hated that I was so jealous of everyone. I even wrote a post about it, but never published it because I felt *so ashamed*. I give myself leeway when it comes to being jealous of fertiles, but being jealous of fellow infertiles feels so wrong. And yet, its a feeling that sometimes bubbles up, even though we don't want it to. I'm relieved to be free from all that heavy negativity.
I'm really glad I've been in a good head space since my surgery because last week I got questioned by so many people about if I have kids, are we trying, why don't we have kids, etc. Like more people than have asked me in the entire time we have been trying up til now. I only had a tiny breakdown at a friend's Memorial Day cookout. Luckily my best guy friend was there and he took me aside and let me be sad for a minute before giving me a big hug and making me feel better. It could've been a lot worse if I had been in a less positive mood.
M is still job searching, no surprise there. We should hear back about interviews for the uber awesome job at my university sometime this week. Fingers crossed!! We are very confident about his chances at getting the job if he can make the cut for the interview phase. On Sunday, while doing a random search for real estate in our area online, I found out about an open house for a home I've had my eye on for months. I was so excited to finally get to walk through the place. M and I *love* going to open houses. It gives us an opportunity to test our knowledge on what to look for, warning signs of serious problems, and judging whether the asking price is a good value or not. I'm hoping we can start regularly attending open houses in our area this summer in preparation for real house hunting whenever M gets a job.
As far as the results of my surgery and what's going on with my ovaries, I really have no idea. I have been temping for about a week now, but not charting them - just keeping track, vaguely, in my head. Even if I don't ovulate, I'd like for my body to have AF on its own because I don't want to take prometrium. If I get AF during the last week of June, we can call Dr. B's office and start a medicated cycle. If AF comes sooner, I'll have to wait for the next one and if it doesn't come at all, then I can call the second week of July. Mostly I'm just not thinking about it. What will be, will be. If M gets a job soon, I feel like I could extend this positive mindset indefinitely, because at least other areas of my life would be moving forward. One can only hope...
Another wonderful side effect of my happy outlook is that I can be truly, and without jealousy, *happy* for all the bloggers I follow that have gotten a BFP in recent weeks and months. When I was at my darkest, shortly before my surgery, I hated that I was so jealous of everyone. I even wrote a post about it, but never published it because I felt *so ashamed*. I give myself leeway when it comes to being jealous of fertiles, but being jealous of fellow infertiles feels so wrong. And yet, its a feeling that sometimes bubbles up, even though we don't want it to. I'm relieved to be free from all that heavy negativity.
I'm really glad I've been in a good head space since my surgery because last week I got questioned by so many people about if I have kids, are we trying, why don't we have kids, etc. Like more people than have asked me in the entire time we have been trying up til now. I only had a tiny breakdown at a friend's Memorial Day cookout. Luckily my best guy friend was there and he took me aside and let me be sad for a minute before giving me a big hug and making me feel better. It could've been a lot worse if I had been in a less positive mood.
M is still job searching, no surprise there. We should hear back about interviews for the uber awesome job at my university sometime this week. Fingers crossed!! We are very confident about his chances at getting the job if he can make the cut for the interview phase. On Sunday, while doing a random search for real estate in our area online, I found out about an open house for a home I've had my eye on for months. I was so excited to finally get to walk through the place. M and I *love* going to open houses. It gives us an opportunity to test our knowledge on what to look for, warning signs of serious problems, and judging whether the asking price is a good value or not. I'm hoping we can start regularly attending open houses in our area this summer in preparation for real house hunting whenever M gets a job.
As far as the results of my surgery and what's going on with my ovaries, I really have no idea. I have been temping for about a week now, but not charting them - just keeping track, vaguely, in my head. Even if I don't ovulate, I'd like for my body to have AF on its own because I don't want to take prometrium. If I get AF during the last week of June, we can call Dr. B's office and start a medicated cycle. If AF comes sooner, I'll have to wait for the next one and if it doesn't come at all, then I can call the second week of July. Mostly I'm just not thinking about it. What will be, will be. If M gets a job soon, I feel like I could extend this positive mindset indefinitely, because at least other areas of my life would be moving forward. One can only hope...
May 31, 2012
Game Plan Redux
I feel like I've written 3 or 4 times before about what "the plan" was. And then it changed. It always changes. So this is me, re-stating the plan. The new-new-new-plan. Let's hope it actually follows through.
My post-op appointment went well - no crying, no freaking out. I'm in a very good place right now, mentally. But then, I am taking very good care of myself. I hid my pregnant facebook friends, I refuse to linger over pregnant women in public or entertain any of my "woe is me" thought patterns. Life is good right now and I know that even if we don't have a baby, there will be other good things eventually. Matt will get a job someday and we will be able to get a house and a dog. I have my wonderful family and my thankfully non-pregnant and mostly single IRL friends. There is a good chance if I have a baby, it will not be incredibly out of sync with the rest of my close peer group. I have my crafts and hobbies and there are many ways I am constantly trying to improve myself. I have a very full life without children so far and there is no reason to think that ever needs to change.
I can only pray that I stay this even keeled. Dr. B informed me we can go back to TTC in 4 weeks or after my next AF, whichever comes later. Its so much easier to stay calm when I'm not actively trying. I did pull out my thermometer again. I thought temping without charting would be a good way to get my feet wet. Good to get back into the useful habit while leaving out the bad, obsessive habit of staring at my chart, willing it to tell me what it all means.
We still don't know if the surgery has helped. We won't know until I either spontaneously start cycling on my own or I go back on clomid and they can measure my response. There is that scary statistic hanging over my head: 20% of women experience no measurable effect from the surgery. ::sigh:: Well, it would be nice to have such a definitive answer.
I'm sorry I haven't been as active lately. Not posting as much and not commenting as much either. I am lurking though, keeping up to date with all your goings on, I promise.
My post-op appointment went well - no crying, no freaking out. I'm in a very good place right now, mentally. But then, I am taking very good care of myself. I hid my pregnant facebook friends, I refuse to linger over pregnant women in public or entertain any of my "woe is me" thought patterns. Life is good right now and I know that even if we don't have a baby, there will be other good things eventually. Matt will get a job someday and we will be able to get a house and a dog. I have my wonderful family and my thankfully non-pregnant and mostly single IRL friends. There is a good chance if I have a baby, it will not be incredibly out of sync with the rest of my close peer group. I have my crafts and hobbies and there are many ways I am constantly trying to improve myself. I have a very full life without children so far and there is no reason to think that ever needs to change.
I can only pray that I stay this even keeled. Dr. B informed me we can go back to TTC in 4 weeks or after my next AF, whichever comes later. Its so much easier to stay calm when I'm not actively trying. I did pull out my thermometer again. I thought temping without charting would be a good way to get my feet wet. Good to get back into the useful habit while leaving out the bad, obsessive habit of staring at my chart, willing it to tell me what it all means.
We still don't know if the surgery has helped. We won't know until I either spontaneously start cycling on my own or I go back on clomid and they can measure my response. There is that scary statistic hanging over my head: 20% of women experience no measurable effect from the surgery. ::sigh:: Well, it would be nice to have such a definitive answer.
I'm sorry I haven't been as active lately. Not posting as much and not commenting as much either. I am lurking though, keeping up to date with all your goings on, I promise.
May 21, 2012
Healing Nicely
Thank you, everyone for your well wishes, your thoughts, and your prayers. I am truly grateful for this wonderful community of women!
I'm still here, still recuperating. My incision spots hurt now and then, especially when I cough a lot. I'm getting back into my normal diet and my normal routine. I even went to work for a few hours this morning! And then I took a nap, haha. I haven't had any vicodin for 2 days, but I'm definitely taking one before bed tonight.
I have been a very bad girl and given up on taking my birth control pills as of 2 days after my surgery. I was spotting the whole time I was taking them anyways and I don't think they were contributing to my mental well being. The chances of my ovulating spontaneously in the next few weeks and miraculously ending up pregnant are so stupidly slim that I am more than willing to risk it. ::eye roll: Sheesh. I have enough pills to keep track of right now anyway.
I wish I could spend the next several days speculating over signs or symptoms that the surgery has worked and my body is now producing less toxic levels of testosterone, but that's just not the way it works. And I know very little of what to expect in the coming two months since I haven't talk to Dr. B yet...so...yeah, just kinda hanging out. I do not feel incredibly anxious about all this down time and I'm very glad of it. I'm so tired of hating everything about this rotten journey. There's nothing I can do to make it go any faster or smoother, so at this point I just want to hate it as little as possible. I would like to try to have a baby and at the same time feel okay if it doesn't happen for us. That's my ideal, that's my goal mindset.
I'm still here, still recuperating. My incision spots hurt now and then, especially when I cough a lot. I'm getting back into my normal diet and my normal routine. I even went to work for a few hours this morning! And then I took a nap, haha. I haven't had any vicodin for 2 days, but I'm definitely taking one before bed tonight.
I have been a very bad girl and given up on taking my birth control pills as of 2 days after my surgery. I was spotting the whole time I was taking them anyways and I don't think they were contributing to my mental well being. The chances of my ovulating spontaneously in the next few weeks and miraculously ending up pregnant are so stupidly slim that I am more than willing to risk it. ::eye roll: Sheesh. I have enough pills to keep track of right now anyway.
I wish I could spend the next several days speculating over signs or symptoms that the surgery has worked and my body is now producing less toxic levels of testosterone, but that's just not the way it works. And I know very little of what to expect in the coming two months since I haven't talk to Dr. B yet...so...yeah, just kinda hanging out. I do not feel incredibly anxious about all this down time and I'm very glad of it. I'm so tired of hating everything about this rotten journey. There's nothing I can do to make it go any faster or smoother, so at this point I just want to hate it as little as possible. I would like to try to have a baby and at the same time feel okay if it doesn't happen for us. That's my ideal, that's my goal mindset.
May 18, 2012
Rumors of my Death Have Been Greatly Exaggerated...
I'm a little achy, a little sleepy, and a little distracted, so you guys get bullet points!
- surgery went fine, but I was stuck in recovery for 4 hours because I was coughing up so much liquid and my lungs sounded "crackly".
- Holy endometriosis, Batman - they found stage 2 endometriosis on the back side of my uterus! I would never in a million years have guessed that I have endometriosis.
- Drugs are gooooooooooooood.
- I now know what early pregnancy feels like between my distended lower abdomen and my inability to hold more than a half bladder full of pee.
- On a non-surgery related note, the dog problem that was pushing me over the edge into full on mental breakdown is solved. Let us never speak of it again.
May 11, 2012
The Cat Came Back
Thank you to everyone who left me such kind and supportive comments on my freak out post. I really think I had a mini mental breakdown and it took me a good 24 hours to put myself back together (with tons and tons of help from M). I am still not feeling very positive or hopeful, but I am managing to keep the doom and gloom thoughts at bay and not cry over every tiny thing.
It helps a lot that we finally figured out what was wrong with our cat: constipation. Seriously?? Those were some scary symptoms for such a simple problem! The vet gave him an enema and got him to pass some feces. We brought him home and offered him some canned food (which he has never eaten in his life) with a little pumpkin puree. He didn't eat right away, but overnight he gobbled it up and licked all the gravy out of the dish. Woohoo! That's progress! If we can get him to eat some more canned food and pumpkin, hopefully he will poop in his pan today or tomorrow. Otherwise we have to go back to the vet for a prescription laxative.
I told my sister, J, on Wednesday that if we haven't made significant strides towards getting pregnant by the end of this year, I may be ready to call it quits. There is so much about PCOS that has to be managed besides the infertility and its very hard to do without drugs I can't be on while TTC. I also think that if we do get pregnant, and keep it, I would be fine with only one child. I don't know that I have the emotional fortitude to go through this a second time. Especially considering Dr. B told me the effects of ovarian drilling only last 3 years at best (then why did Dr. G tell me the effects would last 5 years??).
Mel had an excellent post over at Stirrup Queens called "You will get through this too". Its about surviving Mother's Day, but it can be applied to any difficult event or phase in one's life. I will get through infertility, M's job search, and being poor because I've gotten through other incredibly difficult times in my life before. Its always worst when you are *in* it, but afterwards the trials don't seem as impossibly bad. I'm going to try to keep that in mind while I wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.
It helps a lot that we finally figured out what was wrong with our cat: constipation. Seriously?? Those were some scary symptoms for such a simple problem! The vet gave him an enema and got him to pass some feces. We brought him home and offered him some canned food (which he has never eaten in his life) with a little pumpkin puree. He didn't eat right away, but overnight he gobbled it up and licked all the gravy out of the dish. Woohoo! That's progress! If we can get him to eat some more canned food and pumpkin, hopefully he will poop in his pan today or tomorrow. Otherwise we have to go back to the vet for a prescription laxative.
I told my sister, J, on Wednesday that if we haven't made significant strides towards getting pregnant by the end of this year, I may be ready to call it quits. There is so much about PCOS that has to be managed besides the infertility and its very hard to do without drugs I can't be on while TTC. I also think that if we do get pregnant, and keep it, I would be fine with only one child. I don't know that I have the emotional fortitude to go through this a second time. Especially considering Dr. B told me the effects of ovarian drilling only last 3 years at best (then why did Dr. G tell me the effects would last 5 years??).
Mel had an excellent post over at Stirrup Queens called "You will get through this too". Its about surviving Mother's Day, but it can be applied to any difficult event or phase in one's life. I will get through infertility, M's job search, and being poor because I've gotten through other incredibly difficult times in my life before. Its always worst when you are *in* it, but afterwards the trials don't seem as impossibly bad. I'm going to try to keep that in mind while I wait for the light at the end of the tunnel.
May 10, 2012
It Hits the Fan
The proverbial shit, that is.
My cat is sick. One vet appointment and $250 later, we still have no idea what's wrong with him, as his blood and urine came back totally healthy and normal. So why isn't he eating, why isn't he drinking, and why hasn't he used his pan? I feel like he'll be dead in a week and I'll never know why.
I don't know if it was the worry over the cat, or just a combination of *everything* that has sucked lately, but I started crying at the doctor's office yesterday and didn't stop for several hours. For the first time, Dr. B was not remotely reassuring to me. We were supposed to just go over the surgery and answer any questions I had. Somehow we got to talking about how out of control my PCOS symptoms feel and basically what he said was, if I haven't cut every scrap of carbs out of my diet, I'm not trying hard enough and I have nothing to complain about. He then followed up that helpful tidbit by telling me that for some women, they can be on the best med combinations, exercise, and never touch carbs, and *maybe* their symptoms won't get any worse - they won't improve any, but at least they won't get worse. Cue noose tying...
I honestly don't know why everything Dr. B said was about the worst thing anyone could say to me, but it kept going. He's got diabetes and you don't see him crying - sure he misses carbs. And wouldn't I feel worse if I had, say, cancer? See, its not so bad when you compare it to something that is really bad. I wanted to scream at him that I'm not interested in playing the pain olympics. Instead I just cried. Cried out of frustration, cried out of pure exhaustion. Cried because I get the distinct feeling that God doesn't like me very much. That everything I am doing is wrong, and that's why I'm failing miserably. And you know what? There is a good chance the PCOS will kill me eventually. It increases my risks for developing all kinds of serious health problems. And it only gets worse as I get older. And there is no cure. So his cancer comparison is pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me.
I don't feel hopeful at all and anyone suggesting I should be, I just want to punch in the face. I'm not going to get pregnant, I'm never going to lose a shred of weight no matter how hard I try, and as Dr. B so kindly pointed out to me, every gram of carbs I eat is poisoning me. So now every meal is fraught with guilt. Like I don't have enough of that right now. I can't beat something that has complete control over my body, with a viscous cycle that feeds back into itself making things worse and worse. No matter what anyone says, we never "beat" PCOS, we just sometimes get very lucky and can work around it. I don't at all feel like I'm going to be one of those lucky people.
I cried harder yesterday than I have in a long time, probably since my sister lost the triplets. Deep body wracking sobs that made my hyperventilate. I don't feel any better today. I had hoped that with sleep, peace would come. I feel...empty, desolate, devoid of anything positive. I think we are going to blow through our savings waiting for M to find a job. I think my cat is going to die. I think I'm going to spend the next ten years getting fatter, hairier, and more barren if that's even possible.
I really need *something* good to happen. But I just can't bring myself to believe that is possible anymore.
My cat is sick. One vet appointment and $250 later, we still have no idea what's wrong with him, as his blood and urine came back totally healthy and normal. So why isn't he eating, why isn't he drinking, and why hasn't he used his pan? I feel like he'll be dead in a week and I'll never know why.
I don't know if it was the worry over the cat, or just a combination of *everything* that has sucked lately, but I started crying at the doctor's office yesterday and didn't stop for several hours. For the first time, Dr. B was not remotely reassuring to me. We were supposed to just go over the surgery and answer any questions I had. Somehow we got to talking about how out of control my PCOS symptoms feel and basically what he said was, if I haven't cut every scrap of carbs out of my diet, I'm not trying hard enough and I have nothing to complain about. He then followed up that helpful tidbit by telling me that for some women, they can be on the best med combinations, exercise, and never touch carbs, and *maybe* their symptoms won't get any worse - they won't improve any, but at least they won't get worse. Cue noose tying...
I honestly don't know why everything Dr. B said was about the worst thing anyone could say to me, but it kept going. He's got diabetes and you don't see him crying - sure he misses carbs. And wouldn't I feel worse if I had, say, cancer? See, its not so bad when you compare it to something that is really bad. I wanted to scream at him that I'm not interested in playing the pain olympics. Instead I just cried. Cried out of frustration, cried out of pure exhaustion. Cried because I get the distinct feeling that God doesn't like me very much. That everything I am doing is wrong, and that's why I'm failing miserably. And you know what? There is a good chance the PCOS will kill me eventually. It increases my risks for developing all kinds of serious health problems. And it only gets worse as I get older. And there is no cure. So his cancer comparison is pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me.
I don't feel hopeful at all and anyone suggesting I should be, I just want to punch in the face. I'm not going to get pregnant, I'm never going to lose a shred of weight no matter how hard I try, and as Dr. B so kindly pointed out to me, every gram of carbs I eat is poisoning me. So now every meal is fraught with guilt. Like I don't have enough of that right now. I can't beat something that has complete control over my body, with a viscous cycle that feeds back into itself making things worse and worse. No matter what anyone says, we never "beat" PCOS, we just sometimes get very lucky and can work around it. I don't at all feel like I'm going to be one of those lucky people.
I cried harder yesterday than I have in a long time, probably since my sister lost the triplets. Deep body wracking sobs that made my hyperventilate. I don't feel any better today. I had hoped that with sleep, peace would come. I feel...empty, desolate, devoid of anything positive. I think we are going to blow through our savings waiting for M to find a job. I think my cat is going to die. I think I'm going to spend the next ten years getting fatter, hairier, and more barren if that's even possible.
I really need *something* good to happen. But I just can't bring myself to believe that is possible anymore.
May 07, 2012
Hooked Again
 |
| These are MINE |
I inherited a ton of crochet supplies from my grandma when we went to move her last weekend. Quilting was a big craft in my family, but I didn't realize both my grandmother and great-grandmother were big in crocheting too. My grandma had a couple of unfinished projects stored away and that was enough to get me to pick up my crochet hook again and start working. I found a bunch of granny squares and set about stitching them together for a small throw. My cat has already claimed it for himself. When I finish with this small project I'm going to start a blanket or afghan or *something*. It just felt so good to crochet again. And I like knowing that I am using things from my grandma. Even though I am the one piecing together the granny squares throw, it is still something *she* made and I will be able to remember her by when she's gone.
I keep forgetting to go the store and pick up my birth control prescription. I think part of the problem is I will have to take a pregnancy test before starting them and I just don't want to. Even knowing 100% that it will be negative doesn't keep it from hurting. And then feeling completely stupid for even having *done* the test when I *knew* it would be negative. I'll have to suck it up and do it anyway. I'm so ready for this surgery - I really wish it could be this Thursday instead of next. I'm ready for it to be done and I'm ready for a few guilt free days of lying around and sleeping.
I've started compiling an infertility play list. There are 4 songs that I've thought of so far which I strongly associate with my situation or have used to try to regain my courage to keep fighting. I think it may take me a few weeks to come up with a full playlist, but I'm happy to have this mini-project. It really helps me when I have music to listen to that perfectly fits my mood and right now, IF is definitely a *mood*.
May 02, 2012
Cooler Head Prevails
Sorry for the outburst yesterday. I realize it was a lot of screaming over something that is not a very big deal. Seven days, I mean it doesn't make *that* big of a difference.
I feel like a character in a sitcom who is trying to remain calm while a bunch of stuff goes wrong around them. And with each new disaster they smile, take a deep breath, and insist everything is going to be fine. Until that final little trivial thing goes wrong and they *snap* and start freaking out about everything. That's me. All the time. Because the disasters have been heaping up for a long time. So now each new problem is the last straw for me - over and over and over.
My surgery is scheduled. May 17th, 2:45pm. Now that we have an extra week for prep, I have a pre-op appointment and a prescription for birth control. This does not make me feel any better about the delay, but I suppose it is a consolation prize of sorts. My post-op appointment is two days before a wedding in which I am the matron of honor...sure hope there aren't any serious complications...
I did learn a little more about the surgery-with-the-worst-name-ever: ovarian drilling is performed on both ovaries (I had wondered if it would be one or the other), the surgery takes about an hour, and I have to go to the main house of the hospital for it (I had assumed they could do it in the office because they are outfitted for IVF egg retrieval, which is a kind of surgery, really).
I'm refraining from making sarcastic, depressing status updates on Facebook about all this. I haven't told anyone but family, my close co-workers, and two friends about the surgery. I mean really, who *wants* to talk about a procedure called "ovarian drilling". It sounds like a medieval form of torture.
I will now entertain suggestions for what to do with myself while I recuperate. I will probably be sleeping a lot, but I need some tv shows (available for online viewing preferably), movies, and book suggestions. I have a Nook (new from my birthday in March!), but I am not a book purchaser, more of a book borrower. I've blown through all the books I already requested from the library, so I need new ideas. And don't say "The Hunger Games" because the wait list is about a year long. I'd really like to start a new crochet projects, but I'm waiting to start something for J's baby (I am waiting until the "age of viability" to buy/make anything in deference to my sister's wishes).
Speaking of the baby, did I mention IT'S A BOY! J went in for a quick u/s before we went out of town this past weekend, and they just happened to notice the baby's legs splayed wide open and a very obvious penis just hanging out there. We were hoping for a girl, but honestly, anything healthy will make us all deliriously happy. At least someone in my family is successfully carrying on our genes...
I feel like a character in a sitcom who is trying to remain calm while a bunch of stuff goes wrong around them. And with each new disaster they smile, take a deep breath, and insist everything is going to be fine. Until that final little trivial thing goes wrong and they *snap* and start freaking out about everything. That's me. All the time. Because the disasters have been heaping up for a long time. So now each new problem is the last straw for me - over and over and over.
My surgery is scheduled. May 17th, 2:45pm. Now that we have an extra week for prep, I have a pre-op appointment and a prescription for birth control. This does not make me feel any better about the delay, but I suppose it is a consolation prize of sorts. My post-op appointment is two days before a wedding in which I am the matron of honor...sure hope there aren't any serious complications...
I did learn a little more about the surgery-with-the-worst-name-ever: ovarian drilling is performed on both ovaries (I had wondered if it would be one or the other), the surgery takes about an hour, and I have to go to the main house of the hospital for it (I had assumed they could do it in the office because they are outfitted for IVF egg retrieval, which is a kind of surgery, really).
I'm refraining from making sarcastic, depressing status updates on Facebook about all this. I haven't told anyone but family, my close co-workers, and two friends about the surgery. I mean really, who *wants* to talk about a procedure called "ovarian drilling". It sounds like a medieval form of torture.
I will now entertain suggestions for what to do with myself while I recuperate. I will probably be sleeping a lot, but I need some tv shows (available for online viewing preferably), movies, and book suggestions. I have a Nook (new from my birthday in March!), but I am not a book purchaser, more of a book borrower. I've blown through all the books I already requested from the library, so I need new ideas. And don't say "The Hunger Games" because the wait list is about a year long. I'd really like to start a new crochet projects, but I'm waiting to start something for J's baby (I am waiting until the "age of viability" to buy/make anything in deference to my sister's wishes).
Speaking of the baby, did I mention IT'S A BOY! J went in for a quick u/s before we went out of town this past weekend, and they just happened to notice the baby's legs splayed wide open and a very obvious penis just hanging out there. We were hoping for a girl, but honestly, anything healthy will make us all deliriously happy. At least someone in my family is successfully carrying on our genes...
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