May 10, 2012

It Hits the Fan

The proverbial shit, that is.

My cat is sick. One vet appointment and $250 later, we still have no idea what's wrong with him, as his blood and urine came back totally healthy and normal. So why isn't he eating, why isn't he drinking, and why hasn't he used his pan? I feel like he'll be dead in a week and I'll never know why.

I don't know if it was the worry over the cat, or just a combination of *everything* that has sucked lately, but I started crying at the doctor's office yesterday and didn't stop for several hours. For the first time, Dr. B was not remotely reassuring to me. We were supposed to just go over the surgery and answer any questions I had. Somehow we got to talking about how out of control my PCOS symptoms feel and basically what he said was, if I haven't cut every scrap of carbs out of my diet, I'm not trying hard enough and I have nothing to complain about. He then followed up that helpful tidbit by telling me that for some women, they can be on the best med combinations, exercise, and never touch carbs, and *maybe* their symptoms won't get any worse - they won't improve any, but at least they won't get worse. Cue noose tying...

I honestly don't know why everything Dr. B said was about the worst thing anyone could say to me, but it kept going. He's got diabetes and you don't see him crying - sure he misses carbs. And wouldn't I feel worse if I had, say, cancer? See, its not so bad when you compare it to something that is really bad. I wanted to scream at him that I'm not interested in playing the pain olympics. Instead I just cried. Cried out of frustration, cried out of pure exhaustion. Cried because I get the distinct feeling that God doesn't like me very much. That everything I am doing is wrong, and that's why I'm failing miserably. And you know what? There is a good chance the PCOS will kill me eventually. It increases my risks for developing all kinds of serious health problems. And it only gets worse as I get older. And there is no cure. So his cancer comparison is pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me.

I don't feel hopeful at all and anyone suggesting I should be, I just want to punch in the face. I'm not going to get pregnant, I'm never going to lose a shred of weight no matter how hard I try, and as Dr. B so kindly pointed out to me, every gram of carbs I eat is poisoning me. So now every meal is fraught with guilt. Like I don't have enough of that right now. I can't beat something that has complete control over my body, with a viscous cycle that feeds back into itself making things worse and worse. No matter what anyone says, we never "beat" PCOS, we just sometimes get very lucky and can work around it. I don't at all feel like I'm going to be one of those lucky people.

I cried harder yesterday than I have in a long time, probably since my sister lost the triplets. Deep body wracking sobs that made my hyperventilate.  I don't feel any better today. I had hoped that with sleep, peace would come. I feel...empty, desolate, devoid of anything positive. I think we are going to blow through our savings waiting for M to find a job. I think my cat is going to die. I think I'm going to spend the next ten years getting fatter, hairier, and more barren if that's even possible.

I really need *something* good to happen. But I just can't bring myself to believe that is possible anymore.


  1. I am so sorry that your cat is sick. Worrying about a sick pet can be completely overwhelming.

    I can't believe your doc said all that stuff to you. Duh, there are worse conditions out there, but it doesn't mean that your pain and frustration isn't real and that he should minimize them.

    ((hug)) I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time.

  2. I'm so sorry. A sick pet is very difficult. (Have you tried boiled chicken? Also, your vet may be able to give you an IV to do at home if he gets very dehydrated. It's not too hard.)

    And then on top of that your doctor was being a jerk. Maybe he was having a bad day, but really, there's no excuse for treating someone like that. *Of course* it could be worse, but that doesn't mean this isn't difficult. Like you said, we're not competing, just looking for answers.

    I hope tomorrow looks a little bit brighter. **hugs**

  3. I am very sorry abt your cat..I know how hard it is to see a sick pet. As for your dr, he was way out of line and obviously must not be a human. That said, I have been wondering if my consumption of carbs is hurting my pcos and chances at getting pregnant but no one has ever said it to me...I hateeee all the things I can't eat, but i wonder if I should jump on your no carbs train...stupid, stupid bodies. I feel you.

  4. What a load of awful shit your doctor unloaded on you. I'm sorry you had to be the target of whatever angst he was working out.

    Now, I want to preface this with every woman with PCOS is different, but I cut out all carbs for four months and it didn't do a damn thing. In fact, it made me feel like shit. I clearly wasn't getting the right amount of nutrients. I then integrated the good carbs back in with bad carbs as an occasional treat. I felt better, but nothing changed. At all.

    I recently read the PCOS Diet Plan by Wright, who is a nutritionist, and it really changed my viewpoint on carbs, how much I can eat at any given time, and how often. It was the first PCOS diet book I've read that I actually found helpful (I've read a lot of them). Also, she doesn't advocate for eliminating ALL carbs, which is a realistic depiction of life.

    I'm sorry you are having a hard time. Sending positive thoughts.

  5. Ugh your doctor sounds like an ass. :(

    However, I will say, I changed the way I was eating carbs and I ovulated 4 times, with semi-normal cycles (then one month I kind of messed up the diet with all the Jewish holidays and it took me 40 days to ovulate). I followed the South Beach Diet Phase 2 - not the strict part of the diet, the second level, which is very manageable for every day and even eating out. IF you're interested in trying a diet change I recommend buying the book and reading the whole thing, then starting with Phase 2.

  6. I am so sorry to hear about your cat; hopefully he'll get better soon!

    And, ugh, that doctor visit sounds awful. Not that I am saying you should try it...but have you heard of the low amylose diet? I learned about it from the Subfertile Frugalista's blog. It sounds a lot like what I do for my endometriosis, although I still eat rice, corn, potatoes and some of the other foods that you apparently don't eat when following this low amylose diet for PCOS. Here is a link to her post about it:

  7. I'm deeply sorry to hear about your kitty. It's terrifying when a pet is sick and can't tell us what is wrong. All you can do is be there and give comfort and love. It always comes through loud and clear.

    And I'm sorry the world feels like it's tumbling down on you. The proverbial shit storm has hit. There is not much that can kick you out of it, just hunker down and weather it as best you can. You'll make it out to the other side, but that doesn't mean it will be easy or painless. Please know that I am thinking about you and hoping the sun breaks through soon. xhugsx

    PS Your doctor is an asshole and I think you should tell him exactly that next time you see him. Or at least flip him the bird behind his back.