Seeing Double

Oh, hey, so *that's* what a positive OPK looks like! I mean, I've seen hundreds of pictures, but never one in real life. So I finally got a positive yesterday! Now I just need to make sure M and I do the deed every day or every other day until I see that temp spike. This morning it was still low (97.33) and I know the general range for my post-O temps (97.8ish and above) so I'm crossing my fingers that this is actually going to happen. I still have a bit of the heaviness feeling and pain when I sit/stand, but not as much as yesterday. I will certainly keep you all posted!

Tick Tock

I didn't pee on a stick yesterday. The OPKs have been so faint as to be laughably negative. And every time I pee on one and see a barely-there line, I feel guilty for wasting the $18 I spent on the box. So I didn't use one yesterday because, at the time, I thought I should conserve them. Then I got to thinking about it and realized if this doesn't work this cycle, I won't be using OPKs in the future because I'll be using a trigger shot...Duh. So I may as well use up all 7 pee sticks now since they only have a shelf life of a few months.

In anticipation of today's OPK results, here's where we stand with symptoms: My temps are *way* way down, which is rather odd. Might be because the hot flashes cause me to throw all the blankets off and then I freeze in my sleep. Or maybe my temps are just legitimately low. Cervix is high and medium for the second day in a row. And hey, *there's* the EWCM I was looking for! A very good amount, that makes me happy. In addition to all that, today I have this strange sensation like I can *feel* my ovaries. There's a heaviness and when I move to sit or stand it is uncomfortable.

Today is CD17, so if I ovulate very soon I am still in the acceptable range that my RE's office likes to see. If I don't ovulate by the end of the week, then I'm going to assume its not happening and I'll have to go back to Dr. B, tail tucked, and admit we should have used the trigger. ::sigh:: oh well.

Other than that I've been enjoying the Olympics all weekend! Loved the opening ceremony - the lighting of the torch was *so* cool and unique! I've watched women's volleyball, beach volleyball, cycling, swimming, and gymnastics. And men's swimming, volleyball, gymnastics (Oh Jonathon Horton, you may be shorter than me but you are soooo cute!), crew, tennis, and soccer. I may even try to live stream events at work so I can listen while I do paperwork. I love the Olympics!

Torture

Update: This evening I have learned of two dear blogging friends going through miscarriages right now. Suddenly my petty little complaints seem so insignificant. There is much to be thankful for and I'm so glad there is a community of women who can keep me grounded when I start to spiral into overdramatic thought trains. But I'm so devastated and heartbroken for my friends... No one deserves to go through this, especially not *multiple* times and *especially* not when you are already battling IF. We do not live in a fair and balanced world, my friends. We live in a sinful, hopelessly unbalanced, and completely jacked up world. All I can do is pray that eventually we will all get the think we most long for...

Sleep deprivation would be a very effective method of torture on me, if I were ever so unlucky as to be in that situation.

I'm having a crappy week and I blame sleep deprivation for my bad attitude. Sleep deprivation thanks to the incessant hot flashes that plague me hourly throughout the night - never permitting a sufficient amount of REM sleep. Hot flashes thanks to my little "miracle" drug, clomid. The clomid which appears to be failing me spectacularly.

I went out and bought a box of OPKs like I promised Dr. B. I didn't get the digital ones because HOLY CRAP EXPENSIVE! Especially considering its something I'm going to pee on and then throw away! So I went with the traditional ones, being that I have no idea if this will even work. I dutifully peed when I got home from work. Decidedly negative. I've been keeping an eye on my CM and cervix and all that and I'm concerned. I have the tiniest bit of EWCM only sometimes during the day and I swear my cervix is changing position and firmness multiple times a day. This is nothing like last cycle where I had *gobs* of EWCM for days and my cervix very clearly changed position and softened right when my temp rose.

So now, thanks to my bad mood courtesy of no sleep, I'm convinced this isn't going to work. In fact it is never going to work (except in a month where I've completely given up and we have no sex, *then* I will magically ovulate). Because... I don't know, because God enjoys screwing with me? Because this is his way of saying "No, I'm not going to let you have children, that's never going to happen"?

It doesn't actually bother me that much that this cycle might not work. I knew it might not. Its just one more thing not going my way heaped up on the pile of other things that are definitely *not* going my way - that's what gets to me.

M still hasn't heard about that job this week. With only 3 candidates, you would think by now they'd have made their decision, offered the job, and be contacting the losers to say "thanks, but no thanks". Instead we get more silence. I hate the job hunt. I hate how rude and inconsiderate 95% of the places we apply to are. Is it so hard to send out a form letter in a timely fashion to let people know they can stop holding onto that shred of hope that an offer is coming? Every time M has interviewed somewhere, we never hear another word from the company. No call, no letter, no email - nothing. I thought it was standard business etiquette that if you have an interview, you at least deserve a form rejection letter. Silence is just cruel.

I'm sorry this post is lacking in puppies and rainbows and glitter farts. I'm just not feeling very resilient and hopeful today. I am feeling resentful and pessimistic, instead. If I could just get some damn sleep I *know* I wouldn't feel this bad.

Cycle Day 11

So I had my debated follicle scan today. Had to remind Dr. B again that I don't want to do a trigger shot. But *this* time I was speaking coherently and in fluent adult English! Score one for me! Let's look at the numbers:

I have a few follicles in the 10-11 range, two follicles that are 12, and one show off measuring 15!

15 on CD11!

That is *huge* for me!

Dr. B thinks ovulation is still about 3 days off (if it even happens without the trigger shot). I promised to use OPK's to indicate when I ovulate and they gave me a lab form to get my progesterone tested one week after apparent ovulation.

So I guess we shall see...

I actually haven't ever used OPKs because I know they can be unreliable for someone with PCOS. I'm going to give them a chance this cycle in conjunction with temping, that way I will have a clearer picture of what's happening.

So, all in all, a *much* better appointment than last week.

In other news, I bought M adult gummy vitamins because he complains about having to swallow the "horse-pill" vitamins Dr. B suggested to help with the swimmers. Big Baby.

Also in other news, M should hear about a job sometime this week. I am praying multiple times a day that it is good news. I had a dream that he told me he didn't get the job and I remember thinking "I wish this was just a dream" - which is weird, since it was...

Drugs are Bad, Mmkay?

I finally heard back from my RE's office. I had to leave a voicemail this morning because I still hadn't gotten a response to my email. Their email system has been having problems, the nurse informs me. Well that's unhelpful.

I did manage to convey to the nurse that, while I understand the purpose of their using the trigger shot, I just went through surgery to try to never have to use one again. I said I'd really like to see if my body can do this with less meds and besides, this is all very expensive and I can't afford to keep doing it. I did agree to keep my u/s appointment for Monday so we can see if the clomid is affecting follicle growth. If this cycle goes well, though, I only want to do the baseline u/s for the next 2 cycles. If it looks like I'm ovulating, but am still not pregnant in 3 months, I will be willing to talk about increasing meds and monitoring.

Deep, cleansing breaths. I can't believe I'm already getting bent out of shape. God these meds *suck*. I always feel like I'm on the defensive when I talk to my RE's office and that really hinders my verbal communication abilities. I feel like I come off as a whiny 4-year-old instead of an intelligent 28-year-old who has well developed opinions about her fertility treatment options...

I'm exhausted now. Between my workout and that phone convo (and the hot-flashes waking me up 10 times last night...) I'm wiped. How am I going to get through this cycle without going crazy? And then, how will I get through the next and the next? (Because I refuse to believe I will be so lucky as to get pregnant "quickly"). For now, I can go lose myself in Big Brother gossip, at least.

The Good, The Bad, And The Confusing

When will I learn that my RE appointments never go the way I think they will?

Let's get all the good news out there first: My ovaries look good! roughly 12 tiny follicles on each (which is amazing for me). The Guru was very happy to see such a strong response so soon after the surgery. Apparently, it can take up to 6 months to feel the full effects.

Also, M's interview went great this morning *happy dance* They are interviewing 3 people total for the job and will make their decision in 2 weeks. Another 2ww, go figure. Well, I've gotten pretty good at those, I guess.

The Bad: Me and 6am are not good friends. Me and any time before 7am are barely on speaking terms, really. But that's what time I had to be up to get to my appointment. As such, even after draining my coffee mug in 20 minutes, my brain was still 90% non-functioning during my appointment. This is bad because things happen very fast at my RE's office. They come in, Wanda goes up the vag, they talk for a minute, and then they're gone! So if you've got questions or concerns, you have to jump right in and demand they stop for two seconds.

I am not capable of doing that when my brain is 90% non-functioning. I knew that Dr. B had already noted in my chart I should be prescribed 100mg clomid this cycle. And I've already mentioned how I was willing to go even lower and slower with getting back on the clomid-crazy-train. But since it was the Guru at this appointment, I decided it wasn't that big of a deal. You know what *is* a big deal? Finding out from the nurse that they expect me to do a trigger shot this cycle. Excuse me, what??? Cue....

The Confusing: So, I just had surgery and took a 3 month TTC hiatus to come back and do the same damn protocol as before??? Because that makes ZERO sense. At my post-op appointment with Dr. B, we discussed scaling back on treatment because we need to see what my body is doing now that there's less toxic levels of testosterone floating around. So how will doing the SAME THING show us anything at all? I have proof that I just ovulated on my own, without drugs! It was my understanding that we'd do 100mg of clomid and see what happens. If that doesn't work, then of course we would up the dose or include a trigger. But to do that as the very first intervention seems completely unnecessary. I am finally in a good head space where I am willing to slow down and try to keep my sanity while we go through this and they are stepping on the gas.

What I should have said to the nurse was "I'm sorry, Dr. B never mentioned this to me. I think there may be some confusion. Can we please make sure that this is correct information before proceeding. I don't want to use a trigger shot on my first cycle back on meds if I don't have to."

Instead, I looked bewildered at her and said "What...? But...I had surgery...I thought I wouldn't have to do that..." To which I got a mostly brush off response of "Oh, its fine, we do this so you know exactly when you ovulate for IUI or even for Timed Intercourse. Ok, let's go draw some blood!"

Okay, that's very nice and all, but I don't. want. the. shot. I will have to have another expensive ultrasound in order to use the shot. I am draining my savings account as is, I don't need help. But none of these words came to me this morning. Instead I stood there feeling stupid and confused.

Then, just to solidify that they think I'm a moron, the nurse tried sticking me in the vein I told her NOT to use, so I got stuck twice for my useless pregnancy test. And they scheduled my next ultrasound (the one to check for follicles to time the trigger shot that I don't even want) for CD11. Only because I said with CD12 we might miss the boat.

All in all, a frustrating visit. I don't understand why they rush and talk about my treatment assuming I'm already aware of what's going on. How would I know what we were doing before now? I *thought* I knew, but clearly that isn't happening. And I wish to God I'd had the mental faculties to just say "Stop! Wait! I am confused and we need to talk about this!" I've tried various strategies to help me keep track of my questions, concerns, and comments during appointments, but none of them have worked. I always let myself get plowed over while I sit there lost and confused and they rush around me.

My sister told me to write an email to the generic nurse address for the office. She was at my post-op appointment and agrees it isn't right that they have me doing a trigger because we never discussed that. She told me to ask them to have Dr. B review my chart and ask if I can forgo the trigger so we can see if clomid alone is enough.

Am I crazy? I mean, I know they are used to doing more serious drug protocols at this office, but that doesn't mean I *have* to do it that way, does it? I don't like the way clomid makes me feel and that stupid trigger gives me pregnancy symptoms - so if I can minimize their use, I really want to! Nevermind the financial aspect of it all.

My Lucky Day

I was hoping to hold off and update once Dr. B's office has called me back, but as usual, I'm still waiting for that call. I'm certain that the moment I click "publish" they will call though, so here we go:

Today is CD1! That means I had the shortest luteal phase EVAR at 13 days. AND the shortest cycle EVAR at 23 days! What? 23 days?? That is crazy talk! I'm really excited to get a look at what my ovaries are doing and talk meds options with Dr. B. I would be perfectly happy to go all the way back down to 50mg clomid and see what happens.

Also, if a medicated cycle works well, I think I will ask if we can forgo CD3 ultrasounds for a while. Mama's not made of money and if I end up paying that $470 lab bill (fucking Anthem bastard pieces of shit) I don't want to be throwing money away on ultrasounds I don't *really* need because my ovaries have decided to play ball. *Hopefully* Dr. B will agree to this. I mean, we are talking about a low dose of clomid. I did that for 4 months with my GYN and she never monitored a thing.

I feel really good, guys. I feel really positive and hopeful. I feel there is a good chance we could be pregnant by the end of the year. And if not, no one can say I didn't try hard.

I'm going into the weekend with so many possibilities on the horizon: M's interview on Monday, getting back into TTC... Its a good day. I always have good days on Friday the 13th!

Update: Told ya. I have an appointment on Monday morning. Which is a little difficult because I am one of only 2 people in my office next week and the other person is brand-spanking-new, but we'll make it work. Apparently Dr. B had already placed a note in my chart saying to try 100mg clomid. I would try to change this, but the Guru, not Dr. B, is doing my u/s on Monday. Ugh, so whatever, I guess we'll do 100mg and I'll talk to Dr. B about my CD3 u/s some other time? Also, they are going to make me take a pregnancy test?? Umm...I'm bleeding and cramping like its going out of style, ain't nothing growing in there *anymore*! They never had me do a pregnancy test before...odd.

Setback

Got a letter from Anthem yesterday. After writing an appeal letter for the bloodwork done in March, having my boss write a letter confirming why I was in CA, my doctor's office write a letter to say the bloodwork was time sensitive and had to be done while I was in CA, and submitting all the documentation, they are still denying coverage. No matter what I say or how I say it, Anthem insists that out of state is out of network and will not be covered unless its an emergency. I hate health insurance. I mean, I'm grateful for my coverage, but I hate health insurance companies and their asinine rules.

I can request a second appeal, which I will, but I know the answer will be the same. Mostly I just want to buy some time before having to write a check for $470. That's a little more than 2 weeks pay for Matt. ::sigh:: We just keep digging in deeper. I really hope he gets a job soon.

My temp dropped today, so AF should arrive soon. What happens if CD1 is Saturday? I need to have a CD3 ultrasound to see what's going on with my ovaries and I can't just show up on Monday and am not likely to get an appointment the same day I call... ugh, I'm so annoyed over the thing with Anthem I don't even want to think about it.

CD11, No CD13 - No, wait! CD11...

Update: Holy crap, this is my 100th post! ::throws confetti in the air:: Yay! 100 posts of some whiny infertile bitch complaining about her petty first world problems!! LOL

My temperature pattern is sending poor FF into fits. Today it changed my ovulation date for the 3rd time! Initially it had told me CD11 (and with solid cross-hairs no less - a luxury I rarely get!). After entering a few more temps, it switched to CD13. It stuck with that idea for about a week and then this morning? CD11 again. I'm not quite sure why it can't seem to make up its mind. I don't know if it was the big dip and slow rise I experienced in my temps over the past few days, or maybe the spotting. Who knows. All I know is, I am expecting this to be the shortest cycle EVAR! Like, not even 30 days. Its pretty crazy-pants.

Some of you had mentioned that clomid can help with luteal phase spotting and I hope that's the case for me. Aside from being a very early sign that a cycle most likely did not work, its just really obnoxious to deal with. M would be very happy if there was no more luteal phase spotting as I am disinclined to acquiesce to sexy-time when I feel gross.

Speaking of M, he continues to receive bad news followed by good news. Well, this time the bad news was entirely his fault: he did not turn in his timecard on time and therefore we get to wait until the *next* payday to get his check. Great. Dumbass. We needed that money. But we will just borrow from our savings account (again) and pay it back when we get 2 paychecks in one. The good news is that he has another interview! With a big company that has very important defense contracts! And which accidentally exploded a while ago!.... okay, that last part is not very good news. Apparently, the facility he is interviewing to work at is designed specifically for explosives. I don't even want to know what kind of government research is going on there. A job is a job at this point.

So that's what's going on with me. Big Brother starts Thursday ::bites fist in anticipation:: so that should be sufficient to distract me until AF arrives and I can call Dr. B's office. And get back on the clomid train to crazy-town!

The Sunny Side

I could be bummed about the fact I started spotting a few days ago. I am choosing instead to look on the positive side:

1. My temps have been elevated for about a week now, so it appears I really and truly ovulate 
2. I don't have any HPTs in my home mocking me - good thing I had already promised myself I would not buy any unless I didn't start spotting
3. Spotting during the second half of my luteal phase appears to be a regular thing for me - now I will know if I *don't* spot, I can get a little hopeful
4. In another week-ish I should be able to call Dr. B's office. I am hoping and praying that we can stick to 100mg of clomid or less and it will enhance my (apparently) existing ability to ovulate now.

  See, many things to be thankful for. Who cares that this cycle was a "bust"? We weren't really trying anyway and I can still hope that we will be pregnant by the end of 2012.

My Summer Guilty Pleasure

I am not a fan of reality TV in general. The kind of "reality" programming I enjoy watching is drama-free cooking shows, home buying shows, and home renovation shows. And Wipe Out before it became impossible.

But there is one drama-filled, social experiment gone wrong that I have a love/hate relationship with every summer: Big Brother. I can't help myself! Every year I get so excited to have something to watch 3 nights a week and tons of blog reading and obsessing online. And every year the cast is mostly a big disappointment and production *clearly* interferes with the game to push their agenda and the story lines they think America wants to see. But I Can't. Stop. Watching!

The cast list is out for the new season and I have thoroughly investigated each new victim. In addition, there are 4 returning House Guests from previous years (I'm so sick of them doing this). But despite my reservations about the cast and the ridiculous "twists", and the ugly house decor this year, I will faithfully sit in front of my TV every Thursday, Sunday, and Wednesday through the end of the summer.

So what's your guilty TV pleasure? What do you judge yourself for watching but you can't seem to stop yourself? Any other BB fans out there?

That Girl

I'm going to make a confession here and I ask that you please not judge me. When I entered my temp into Fertility Friend today, it gave me solid cross-hairs. That's not the confession. The confession is that, after many false cross-hairs, I don't put enough stock in them to act like I'm in the two week wait. I just popped 800mg ibuprofen for a killer headache. I washed it down with some caffeinated soda. If I feel like it, I'm going to have a beer sometime in the next two weeks.

I cannot go back into the same obsessive patterns of behavior I used to do. Only to be let down again? No, not gonna happen. Now, I'm not going to intentionally do anything crazy. I'm not gonna go on a bender. A friend's birthday is coming up and M already asked if I would be the DD so he could relax. I'm cool with that. But I'm not going to cut out ALL caffeine, ALL alcohol, ALL N-SAIDS or whatever drugs it is people stop using when they hope and pray they might be sort of maybe very early pregnant. I did that, every month, for many months. All but 2 months it turned out I never even ovulated. Screw. That.

People who drink coffee still get pregnant. People who have a glass of wine with dinner still get pregnant. When you find out you are pregnant, then you stop doing those things.

I've tried doing things one way, now I'm going to try a different way. If I go back to my control freak tendencies, I'm just going to spiral out of control and then go on a rampage when, in 7 days, my temps tank and Fertility Friend takes away my cross-hairs. Fortunately, there are no pregnancy tests in my home. I will not be purchasing any unless my temps stay elevated for 16 days and I don't start spotting.

I know that cutting out non "pregnancy approved" items during the 2WW is the smartest route to take when you are actively TTC. I've just been burned too many times to believe this is for real. Please don't judge me for taking this little risk. I have to do it for the sake of my sanity.

Lights Out

Approximately 30 minutes of storm on Friday has created a power outtage cluster-fuck in my area. The last time we lost power at our apartment (due to a winter storm), it was out for 3 days. We're camped out at my sister's house and are slowly bringing more and more things from home. First it was stuff from the fridge we didn't want to spoil. Then it was our cat and his supplies (its just too hot and humid to leave him in the apartment). Then we decided we couldn't sleep at home because it wouldn't get cool enough at night to be comfortable, so we grabbed shower supplies, a change of clothes, and pillows. We've already checked for electric this morning (none, of course) and when we go back to check this afternoon, we'll have to bring our laundry hamper back to my sister's so we can wash clothes for the coming week. This is seriously NOT fun, but thank God we had somewhere to go. Yesterday was one of those days where "low carb" went right out the window. I'm doing much better today.

I'm a little frustrated because I had sexy-time plans for Saturday morning and that totally did not happen. I'm not letting it destroy my mood though. What will be, will be, and no one can claim I have any control over the weather. I am CD13, I've had EWCM for 6 days now and I still can't decide if that's a good thing or not. At least I've managed to temp every morning. I'll just keep on that and wait to see if there's a thermal shift sometime soon.... I have had other symptoms: pain in my ovaries and some nipple tenderness, but I'm trying to ignore all that and just go with the basics, CM and BBT.

For some entertainment today we're going to a few open houses - sure hope they all have power!