Torture

Update: This evening I have learned of two dear blogging friends going through miscarriages right now. Suddenly my petty little complaints seem so insignificant. There is much to be thankful for and I'm so glad there is a community of women who can keep me grounded when I start to spiral into overdramatic thought trains. But I'm so devastated and heartbroken for my friends... No one deserves to go through this, especially not *multiple* times and *especially* not when you are already battling IF. We do not live in a fair and balanced world, my friends. We live in a sinful, hopelessly unbalanced, and completely jacked up world. All I can do is pray that eventually we will all get the think we most long for...

Sleep deprivation would be a very effective method of torture on me, if I were ever so unlucky as to be in that situation.

I'm having a crappy week and I blame sleep deprivation for my bad attitude. Sleep deprivation thanks to the incessant hot flashes that plague me hourly throughout the night - never permitting a sufficient amount of REM sleep. Hot flashes thanks to my little "miracle" drug, clomid. The clomid which appears to be failing me spectacularly.

I went out and bought a box of OPKs like I promised Dr. B. I didn't get the digital ones because HOLY CRAP EXPENSIVE! Especially considering its something I'm going to pee on and then throw away! So I went with the traditional ones, being that I have no idea if this will even work. I dutifully peed when I got home from work. Decidedly negative. I've been keeping an eye on my CM and cervix and all that and I'm concerned. I have the tiniest bit of EWCM only sometimes during the day and I swear my cervix is changing position and firmness multiple times a day. This is nothing like last cycle where I had *gobs* of EWCM for days and my cervix very clearly changed position and softened right when my temp rose.

So now, thanks to my bad mood courtesy of no sleep, I'm convinced this isn't going to work. In fact it is never going to work (except in a month where I've completely given up and we have no sex, *then* I will magically ovulate). Because... I don't know, because God enjoys screwing with me? Because this is his way of saying "No, I'm not going to let you have children, that's never going to happen"?

It doesn't actually bother me that much that this cycle might not work. I knew it might not. Its just one more thing not going my way heaped up on the pile of other things that are definitely *not* going my way - that's what gets to me.

M still hasn't heard about that job this week. With only 3 candidates, you would think by now they'd have made their decision, offered the job, and be contacting the losers to say "thanks, but no thanks". Instead we get more silence. I hate the job hunt. I hate how rude and inconsiderate 95% of the places we apply to are. Is it so hard to send out a form letter in a timely fashion to let people know they can stop holding onto that shred of hope that an offer is coming? Every time M has interviewed somewhere, we never hear another word from the company. No call, no letter, no email - nothing. I thought it was standard business etiquette that if you have an interview, you at least deserve a form rejection letter. Silence is just cruel.

I'm sorry this post is lacking in puppies and rainbows and glitter farts. I'm just not feeling very resilient and hopeful today. I am feeling resentful and pessimistic, instead. If I could just get some damn sleep I *know* I wouldn't feel this bad.