May 03, 2012

Idle Hands

With my surgery scheduled, and two weeks away, I'm just not sure what to do with myself. IF engulfs my life so completely at times that without it, I'm not sure how to function in the absence of all the obsessing. I really need a long-term project or an event to look forward to. Preferably both. But with a *very* tight (and getting tighter) budget, there's nothing for me to do. I can't work on curtains for the apartment because we don't have money for it anymore. I can't house hunt because its too depressing - so many adorable, affordable houses on the market right now and no hope for being in a situation to buy any time soon. I started helping M with his job search; googling like crazy to find openings he may have missed. But that's not something I can do everyday, maybe once a week - jobs don't come up that frequently.

I'm happiest when I am working towards something, but right now it feels like everything is stalled. My education is stalled, finding a house is stalled, baby-making is stalled, finding M a job is stalled. Soon I will start growing moss...

And its not about filling the hours in my days, I can do that just fine more often than not. But the things I am doing don't tie into any larger goals or long term plans. Even if I spent all my time volunteering for charities and keeping my apartment spotless clean I'd still have this feeling of pointlessness because nothing is changing in my life. I am exactly where I was one year ago, only with less money and less hopeful feelings about building my family.

Please, Lord, please let M find a job soon. Without it we are floating aimlessly.


  1. I am so sorry that you are dealing with so much; infertility is draining enough without adding everything else in there! Do you know how much your surgery will cost (all together and out of pocket?). I am in the process of figuring that out about my surgery so we know what to expect. If it turns out insurance won't cover it and we can't afford it or something I truly think I will
    a. die of a broken heart
    b. end up in an insane asylum
    c. drive my husband so mad that he won't want to stay married to me.
    Or maybe a combination of a & c.

    1. Oops...I meant b & worries about driving my husband crazy if scenario 'a' occurs!

  2. I'm glad you're on the schedule for your (SUPER SCARY SOUNDING) surgery! I keep thinking I should look it up on wikipedia or something, but I'm afraid I'll scare the crap out of myself, even if you think what it actually does sounds less bad. The name just puts my teeth on edge. I hope this is your silver bullet, fixes everything, brings unicorns and fluffy rainbows into your house, and that the unicorns don't make too much of a mess. Seriously, I really do hope this does what it needs to. Procedure after procedure and test after test are so draining.

    On another note, I'm having trouble with not having ttc to focus on too. It's weird. I have a vague idea of where I am in my cycle, but no concrete evidence.

  3. I so understand the financial situation. Most months are so tight that a can of paint isnt even an option. Not that a can of paint would make this process easier, but the money part is just adding insult to injury. Ive thrown myself into work as a distraction from all this IF stuff. Its actually helped a bit and find I still think about it a lot, but dwell a little less.

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