With my surgery scheduled, and two weeks away, I'm just not sure what to do with myself. IF engulfs my life so completely at times that without it, I'm not sure how to function in the absence of all the obsessing. I really need a long-term project or an event to look forward to. Preferably both. But with a *very* tight (and getting tighter) budget, there's nothing for me to do. I can't work on curtains for the apartment because we don't have money for it anymore. I can't house hunt because its too depressing - so many adorable, affordable houses on the market right now and no hope for being in a situation to buy any time soon. I started helping M with his job search; googling like crazy to find openings he may have missed. But that's not something I can do everyday, maybe once a week - jobs don't come up that frequently.
I'm happiest when I am working towards something, but right now it feels like everything is stalled. My education is stalled, finding a house is stalled, baby-making is stalled, finding M a job is stalled. Soon I will start growing moss...
And its not about filling the hours in my days, I can do that just fine more often than not. But the things I am doing don't tie into any larger goals or long term plans. Even if I spent all my time volunteering for charities and keeping my apartment spotless clean I'd still have this feeling of pointlessness because nothing is changing in my life. I am exactly where I was one year ago, only with less money and less hopeful feelings about building my family.
Please, Lord, please let M find a job soon. Without it we are floating aimlessly.