May 01, 2012

My New Hobby

My new hobby is apparently taking months long hiatuses (hiati?) from TTC and doing nothing but wasting time.

Dr. B's office called. Finally. While I was in the shower. Of course. And the message left said that, while *their* schedule was open for me to have surgery on the 10th, the main house surgery unit had a conflict. So we have to re-schedule. And its lunch time in their office, so the phone line won't accept any messages. No, I have to wait until 1pm to leave a message because no one ever answers the nurse line. And then wait for a call back which may or may not happen today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. To *hopefully* schedule the surgery for 17th. Which means TTC in July is most likely not an option anymore.

Okay God, I am so done with you teaching me patience. Fuck your patience. Why can't something go right for me?? Why is this taking so damn long? My friend is pregnant with her SECOND CHILD. At this rate I will be very, very lucky to have ONE child in my entire child-bearing years.

I have noticed, in the past month, that my emotions vacillate wildly these days. My frustration is on a hair-pin trigger anymore. I jump right to the most negative conclusion possible until it is proven otherwise. I still bounce back from these downer trips quickly, if the occasion calls for it. Like yesterday with the insurance mix up and phone call. I was nearly in tears one minute and laughing and smiling 10 minutes later.

I'm glad I can still bounce back quickly, but I don't know how to control my immediate drop into despair at the slightest set back. I'm just so. tire. of WAITING! Tell me yes, you'll have children, or tell me no, its not possible so I can MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE! Instead of living with my head in the guillotine, wondering if or when the blade will fall.

After months and months of negative tests, zero progress, and my body proving time and again it is more jacked up than I ever thought, its hard to not assume the worst. Why *would* something good happen now? The past year and some has taught me to expect nothing good - only more challenge, more heartache, more disappointment. I don't really see an end to this battle...just more failure, more wasted time, cycle after cycle. I almost don't know what I'm doing. What? I'm trying to get pregnant? Because it seems like all the doctors appointments, blood draws, pills, and ultrasounds are just about learning how effed up my body is. How bad will it be this month? What new, unexpected setback will we find this cycle? Its a fun game and it ends when I am emotionally and physically exhausted and have decided, okay I think I know now how broken I am.

This isn't "TTC", it's just self-abuse.

8 comments:

  1. I have felt those same feelings. I still do, and they are really hard to fight off. It's so unfair that we just don't know what our future holds. It is pure torture. I just want to let you know you are in my thoughts.

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    1. thank you very much - I can use all the positive thoughts/energy/prayers I can get.

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  2. So so so sorry you're going through all of this. I am at my wits end with PCOS as well...it feels so completely depressing when all I want to do is ovulate, and I can feel my body working to do it, and then it's as if my body gets distracted right in the middle of egg making and goes to take a nap. I have serious amounts of cysts on both ovaries...I haven't tried Clomid yet, but I have such a bad feeling about what might happen if I do. I just don't know if my body is capable of ovulating. I have heard of ovarian drilling, and hear it works wonders. I am keeping lots of positive thoughts going for you.

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    1. "and then it's as if my body gets distracted right in the middle of egg making and goes to take a nap."

      This. Absolutely this. I imagine my ovaries getting bored with egg making and sitting down to weave some daisy chains instead. I'm glad to hear you've read good things about ovarian drilling. Lots and lots of little cysts is exactly my problem, and one of the reasons Dr. B suggested the surgery. Apparently I have more cysts than even your average PCOSer. Such an overachiever, eh?

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    2. Yes! I'm convinced I have mini LH surges each cycled, depending on the length. Suck.

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  3. Oh, I know what you mean. I could feel the anger and frustration in your post and have felt the same way. Hopefully you found a little relief after getting all down on your blog. Some days it seems like the struggle is never going to end. Just keep thinking of the goal at the end of this, it can be so hard, but don't lose hope!! Things will start to look up soon. Xoxo

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  4. It often seems like infertility really likes to kick when we are down. On purpose. Vindictively. What a bitch.

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  5. I was going to write a post about this today. The Clomid you took last month? It does more than just give you hot flashes and headaches, it completely screws with your emotions. The 3 cycles I was on it, I didn't know that the drug stays in your system for a full 28 days. When I was on it I was a mess: agitated, annoyed, emotional, angry and this would all change on a dime (my poor husband). So if there is anything that you can do- don't blame yourself for what's going on in your head. Your emotions are real, but they are made so much SO MUCH WORSE because of the hormones you took. Hang in there hun- give yourself another week and I bet you will be feeling a bit better.

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