My new hobby is apparently taking months long hiatuses (hiati?) from TTC and doing nothing but wasting time.
Dr. B's office called. Finally. While I was in the shower. Of course. And the message left said that, while *their* schedule was open for me to have surgery on the 10th, the main house surgery unit had a conflict. So we have to re-schedule. And its lunch time in their office, so the phone line won't accept any messages. No, I have to wait until 1pm to leave a message because no one ever answers the nurse line. And then wait for a call back which may or may not happen today. Or tomorrow. Or the next day. To *hopefully* schedule the surgery for 17th. Which means TTC in July is most likely not an option anymore.
Okay God, I am so done with you teaching me patience. Fuck your patience. Why can't something go right for me?? Why is this taking so damn long? My friend is pregnant with her SECOND CHILD. At this rate I will be very, very lucky to have ONE child in my entire child-bearing years.
I have noticed, in the past month, that my emotions vacillate wildly these days. My frustration is on a hair-pin trigger anymore. I jump right to the most negative conclusion possible until it is proven otherwise. I still bounce back from these downer trips quickly, if the occasion calls for it. Like yesterday with the insurance mix up and phone call. I was nearly in tears one minute and laughing and smiling 10 minutes later.
I'm glad I can still bounce back quickly, but I don't know how to control my immediate drop into despair at the slightest set back. I'm just so. tire. of WAITING! Tell me yes, you'll have children, or tell me no, its not possible so I can MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE! Instead of living with my head in the guillotine, wondering if or when the blade will fall.
After months and months of negative tests, zero progress, and my body proving time and again it is more jacked up than I ever thought, its hard to not assume the worst. Why *would* something good happen now? The past year and some has taught me to expect nothing good - only more challenge, more heartache, more disappointment. I don't really see an end to this battle...just more failure, more wasted time, cycle after cycle. I almost don't know what I'm doing. What? I'm trying to get pregnant? Because it seems like all the doctors appointments, blood draws, pills, and ultrasounds are just about learning how effed up my body is. How bad will it be this month? What new, unexpected setback will we find this cycle? Its a fun game and it ends when I am emotionally and physically exhausted and have decided, okay I think I know now how broken I am.
This isn't "TTC", it's just self-abuse.