I've been blogging for a long time - since my freshman year in college actually. But I only recently made the move to Blogger. I couldn't find a way to back-date entries here, so the past year of TTC and infertility posts are still hanging out over at LiveJournal. I wanted to post the entry where I came to the decision to take a TTC break. I feel like it was a turning point in my IF journey. Also because the KA referenced in the post has continued to be a challenge for me. I'm this close to blocking her on Facebook. And she would stay blocked for a couple years at least. Her excessive fertility grates on me that much. And then I feel the obligatory guilt, then I excuse myself because Hello! Infertility sucks! lather, rinse, repeat... So anyway, I have included that old post below. I think it was at that point I realized I may be in this for the long haul, and finding a community of women who are going through the same trials, anger, and heartache might be the only thing that gets me through to the end.
12/30/11 New Year, Same Old Wish...
I've been mildly depressed ever since finding out that KA is having a girl. It is so painful being infertile in a fertile world. I took my clomid as prescribed. I've been keeping up with my metformin everyday. All I have to show for it is the worst hot-flashes yet and very poor sleep. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of claiming I'm "TTC" when really there is no chance of me getting pregnant. In 12 months I ovulated twice. And both times I had given up, so the timing of sex was such that pregnancy was almost flat out hopeless. When I don't try, I ovulate. When I try, I find out there was no reason to try. I'm frustrated and so very tired. My sister only needed 50mg of clomid when she got pregnant with Alex. I'm already on 150mg and getting the feeling that even that isn't enough. How long, oh Lord, how long? How much heartache and time and money will the simple act of bringing another human being into this world take? An everyday miracle that seems as easy as breathing to most people, but like walking on the moon for the infertile.
I'm so tired of hating my body. I've hated it for one reason or another for most of my life. I hate suffering through the excess hair, acne, and weight AND STILL NOT OVULATING. I would happily endure non-stop hot flashes, sleepless nights, breaking out like a teenager - ANYTHING - if I would just ovulate consistently.
That's how down trodden I am. I'm not asking or even *hoping* for pregnancy anymore. I'd just like to ovulate. I'd like to have roughly 12 cycles a year. I would like all the money, time, effort, and discomfort to pay off JUST A LITTLE BIT.
I'm going to keep trying this cycle. I'm going to throw everything I can at it because then I know for sure it will fail spectacularly. And then I can take a break. I can go back on BCP and spironolactone and work on regaining my lost self-esteem.
Ugh, girl. I know what you mean. I hate the term "trying" because is that really even what we're doing when there was no chance of it happening? It does seem to be as easy as breathing for so many others.
ReplyDeleteHang in there girl, hoping for good news soon!
There needs to be a word for us infertiles, something other than "trying"...not sure what that word would be.
DeleteI'm so sorry for all you are dealing with.
ReplyDeleteWhile I can't help with the infertility, I can help with the back dating posts on blogger. When you open a new post window, look under the area you type the post (in the grey area). There is a link there that says "post options". When you click on "post options", look towards the right and you'll find a space that says post date and time. Click on the "scheduled at" option. When that opens, enter the date in the past that you want the post to be from. Once that is done, you can click "publish post" and the post will appear to have originated on the date in the past you chose.
ICLW #66
Thank you!!!!
DeleteIsn't it crazy how time seems to stop when you are infertile? I too can look back to where I a year ago and know that I was feeling the exact same way as I am today. And that's sad. I think that's yet another reason why fertiles so infuriating- they get luxury of moving forward.
ReplyDeleteYeah, talk about being in a rut. I want to plan for a baby, but I can't - I want to plan for a house, but I can't. About the only thing I can do is *hope* M finds a job and *hope* I can get pregnant.
DeleteStopped by for ICLW. You are absolutely right about it being hard to be an infertile in a fertile world. hang in there! Can't wait to read more
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting - happy ICLW!
DeleteI cannot imagine how frustrating PCOS must be. I do relate to hating your body--I'm so mad at mine for not giving me what I want, having endo, losing my pregnancies, etc. I have friends whose excessive fertility drives me insane, too.
ReplyDeleteI think unexplained infertility must be the most frustrating "diagnosis", but truly any infertility is equally rotten in my book. I'm sorry you haven't been able to keep a pregnancy - that's one of my biggest fears...
DeleteAlso stopping by for ICLW. I have a friend (well, former friend) similar to the one you described. She just had her second, a girl. Just before she got pregnant with her surprise second baby, I had a miscarriage. Then came the infertility problems, etc. She went from being great after my miscarriage to just not speaking to me. Ever. I get that I'm kind of a downer these days, but I'm still fun! Her silence hurt too much. So first I hid her on facebook and put her in a profile category where she couldn't see my updates. Only recently I found the courage to unfriend her completely. And you know what? I don't regret it at all. It's kind of a relief.
ReplyDeleteI'm so afraid that will happen with one of my friends. I get the feeling if she gets pregnant it could be the nail in the coffin of our friendship :-( Its not like we *want* everything in our lives to be colored by infertility, but it happens anyway. I wish people could understand that. Thanks for visiting!
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