New Year, Same Old Wish...

I've been mildly depressed ever since finding out that KA is having a girl. It is so painful being infertile in a fertile world. I took my clomid as prescribed. I've been keeping up with my metformin everyday. All I have to show for it is the worst hot-flashes yet and very poor sleep. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of claiming I'm "TTC" when really there is no chance of me getting pregnant. In 12 months I ovulated twice. And both times I had given up, so the timing of sex was such that pregnancy was almost flat out hopeless. When I don't try, I ovulate. When I try, I find out there was no reason to try. I'm frustrated and so very tired. My sister only needed 50mg of clomid when she got pregnant with my nephew. I'm already on 150mg and getting the feeling that even that isn't enough. How long, oh Lord, how long? How much heartache and time and money will the simple act of bringing another human being into this world take? An everyday miracle that seems as easy as breathing to most people, but impossible for the infertile.

I'm so tired of hating my body. I've hated it for one reason or another for most of my life. I hate suffering through the excess hair, acne, and weight AND STILL NOT OVULATING. I would happily endure non-stop hot flashes, sleepless nights, breaking out like a teenager - ANYTHING - if I would just ovulate consistently.

That's how down trodden I am. I'm not asking or even *hoping* for pregnancy anymore. I'd just like to ovulate. I'd like to have roughly 12 cycles a year. I would like all the money, time, effort, and discomfort to pay off JUST A LITTLE BIT.

I'm going to keep trying this cycle. I'm going to throw everything I can at it because then I know for sure it will fail spectacularly. And then I can take a break. I can go back on BCP and spironolactone and work on regaining my lost self-esteem.

Perseverance

So I had my pity party for one and then hope refused to let me give up. There is always another cycle and Dr. P upped my dose to 150mg of clomid. A lot of the women on my PCOS forum say they think that me getting sick interfered with ovulation. It worked on 100mg once, so it definitely should work (at least the first time) with 150mg, right? So I will do *everything* right again. I will take my metformin every day. I will take my vitamins every day. I will use robitussin to get fertile CM. And I will make sure we do the deed several days leading up to O. Because if I don't do everything right, I will just kick myself for it later.

I have been posting inspirational quotes on my Facebook all week. It helps to remind myself that everyone has challenges in their life to overcome, not just me. And besides, I should being focusing on M right now. He isn't dealing well with unemployment, poor thing... But we will persevere through that as well.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

So after the miraculous and totally unexpected ovulation last cycle, I felt like we had finally made progress and found the silver bullet. I pulled out all the stops and did everything right this cycle - allowing myself to be hopeful, think positive, and dream about getting a BFP for Christmas.

Why do I even bother?

My progesterone test came back yesterday: 0.2

I was already feeling doubt before then, but that was after I made sure I had done everything right including taking my metformin every day, taking tussin for CM, drinking lots of water, and having sex exactly on schedule even when I was tired and sick!

How fun to learn that all that hard work was a complete waste of time because I had as much of a chance to get pregnant as a 10 year old. I'm so angry and frustrated. Fertility Friend refuses to take away my cross-hairs on my chart which makes me even madder. I'm giving it another day or two to see what my temps do, but I'm planning on starting progesterone pills on Sunday. No point waiting around forever to see if my body will eventually get with the program. The only thing I can figure is either a.) I'm clomid resistant, or b.) Getting sick right around ovulation time screwed everything up. And there's nothing I can do about either of those situations. I'm so tired of hating my body...

Once More, With Feeling

Well, my first ovulatory cycle since January is ending. Tested this morning: negative. I knew that, but its good to have proof so I can mentally move on. I already ordered my next round of clomid. I'm excited for this next cycle. Now that I know 100mg of clomid works, I can really focus on doing everything right and actually have a good chance of seeing results. If everything goes well, my next testing date will be Dec. 21st. Wouldn't that be a nice Christmas present... And if not, hey at least I get to drink on Christmas and New Year's.

For now, I am thankful for small victories: I ovulated, I do not have luteal phase defect, I didn't spot the whole way through my luteal phase. These are all very good things! And I thank God for modern medicine that can help fix my broken body. I feel very hopeful for the future :)

Small Miracles

Or in my case, a really, really big one. The medicine worked, I can't believe it actually worked! I had completely given up hope (obviously) and was just waiting to begin the next cycle. But my CD21 blood work came back with progesterone count 15.7! Fertility Friend had already given me cross-hairs, but I assumed my elevated temps were due to an infection in my thumb. It originally guessed I ovulated on CD14, but after a few days, adjusted the date to CD18. That makes more sense to me because I had a definite temp jump and I remember (TMI) my breasts felt tender and I had vaguely wet CM (although I felt it was too ambiguous to chart). Now I just have to wait 10 more LOOOOONG days before taking a HPT...

I was at work when I got the numbers from my doctor's office and after the initial rush of excitement I stopped to say a brief prayer of thanks. Since then I have been careful to be thankful for medicine and doctors who can fix my broken body, but not begging for a positive pregnancy test. I am trying hard to repeat the phrase "thy will be done". I ovulated, that's far more than I had hoped for. Anything else is just icing on the cake. Besides, I stopped tracking when M and I had sex, so I really don't know if we had good enough coverage to have a chance at getting pregnant.

Next cycle you'd better believe I will be following all the rules: taking robitussin for clearer CM, Sex every-other day (maybe every day), and taking my metformin and vitamins *every* day. I'm just so happy to have even a *chance* to get pregnant!

Pessimism

I'm fighting a sinking feeling that the clomid is not working again. I'm CD13 and my temps are doing nothing special and yesterday and today my CM has been remarkably ambiguous - almost not even there. Apart from hot flashes, I don't feel anything - zilch. ::sigh:: Is it wrong to assume the worst just to protect oneself from the emotional damage of a let down? If I assume its not working and then it does, well hey! Bonus! But if I'm right and its not working, at least I didn't waste energy on hope that was baseless.

My body doesn't know the difference between me thinking positively or negatively. My ability to ovulate is not dependent on my mood or outlook. So it does no harm to say "This isn't working".

I'm not asking for much. I'm not asking to get pregnant this month, I'm not even asking to get pregnant *next* month. I'd just like a *chance* to get pregnant. To at least feel normal and level the playing field. So that when I say to someone "We are trying", I don't think to myself "Yeah, trying just to OVULATE".

The not knowing is the worst part. I'm paddling in the shallow end of a very big pool - that's what I told Dr. P. I just wish I knew how far I have to go to get my body to work. Is 100mg enough? 150? Maybe 150mg and a trigger shot? Or perhaps clomid doesn't work with me and I should be using Femara? There are so many more things to try....and the longer it takes to figure out what works is the longer I wait to *really* start TTC - with any chance of actually becoming pregnant... And until then, the pessimism is the only thing protecting me.

Moving On

50mg Clomid = Ovulation Epic FAIL. My progesterone registered so low it was practically negative. I'm glad to know I'm not crazy though. Based on my temps and CM, I knew I didn't ovulate, even when Fertility Friend suggested I might have. It is good to know I can trust my instincts and trust my body's signs. If things don't add up, its for a reason. So now I know that was a bust and I am staying positive by looking to the next cycle. Dr. P approved me to use 100mg Clomid for my next cycle, thank God. Now I can start taking Promet and get to my next cycle. If 100mg works, I could ovulate by the end of the month. And there is plenty to keep me occupied between now and then.

Forced Positivity

I will not write about how I am certain that the clomid failed this month. I will not write about how utterly defeated I feel before I've barely begun to try. I will not write about my fears of the possibility that nothing will ever work and my nephew will be the closest thing to my own child that I will ever have.

"I am trusting you Lord Jesus, trust only you..."

Instead I am going to pray.

I know that nothing is impossible. I know that whatever happens is meant to happen and is for the best - maybe not the best according to me, but the best according to the grand vision. I know that one month and 50mg of clomid is a very small first step and it is not the end of the world if it didn't work. I know that I need to be patient (something I have no skill at). I know that God hears my hopes and my fears and my dreams and my worries and *will* answer. I know that even though making my body work properly is the one thing dominating my mind, it is *not* the most important thing in the world, or even in my own life. My husband needs to find a job - *that* is very important.

Be patient.

Don't despair.

Everything that is happening is meant to happen.

A Trending Thing...

Feeling like I'm on the losing side of a war again. I feel wholly unattractive and very depressed. I get to go see my doctor Monday, yay. But I'm so worried that there won't be enough time to get two rounds of meds done before M goes away for the summer. My symptoms are spiraling wildly out of control and there's not a damn thing I can do about it until I talk to my doctor. I'm so upset about potentially wasting 3 months of valuable TTC time this summer if I can't get pregnant before then. And I don't want to get my hopes up too high that one or two low dose rounds of clomid is all I'll need. ::sigh:: There's so much pressure coming at me from all different sources. I just don't want to have the same problems my sister does. And I feel responsible for providing at least one more child to the family, if for no other reason than to make my mom and sister happy. Hell, I'd even be okay with twins because I wouldn't have to worry about going through all of this again. I just want to be able to manage the PCOS and stop hating my body again. I've spent too many years of my life feeling trapped in a body that isn't mine - feeling betrayed by my own physical self. I want to be able to like myself again. Stupid fucking PCOS.

Losing

Tonight, I feel like the PCOS is winning. I don't feel hopeful, I don't feel positive. And I definitely don't feel pretty or attractive. This is what sucks: that all the medicine I was on to control the symptoms will keep me from getting pregnant, but now that I am off them, I'm still not pregnant and I have symptoms to deal with. So I'll just, what? Continue to not get pregnant while slowly getting fatter, hairier, and pimplier? That's fair... Or not.

It makes me want to give up. Just say no, go back on all my regular meds, and give up any hope of children. I can't lose all my self-esteem over my looks just to end up with no children anyway. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do some women just get to have sex and magically end up pregnant and others have to wade through drugs and doctor's visits, and side effects, and horrible symptoms, with no promise of a positive result? And why do I have to be on this side of it all. I want to have a daughter so badly, but since PCOS is hereditary, I should probably hope for a boy so that I don't curse another woman with this wretched "syndrome".

Tonight, I am losing all hope. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently, but for now, the PCOS is winning hands down. And that is so depressing...

TTC?

When I saw my OB/GYN before I got married, she congratulated me on the good news and then got down to business: "Have you talked about kids?" me: "yes" "Do you both want kids?" me: "yes" "Well I'm going to tell you up front, don't come to me when you're 28 and tell me you want to get pregnant. I will not be pleased." me: "27 it is!". And so, before I was even married, the time for M and I to start gearing up for a family was predetermined. I'm thankful, though, that my doctor is very direct with me. When you have fertility problems, sugar coating things rarely helps.

This March I turn 27. I finished my last pack of BC pills on New Years Eve and prepared myself for whatever comes next. If I know my body (and I think I know my body), I'll be making a visit to my doctor in April to let her know things aren't going "well". In the mean time, I'm going to chart my basal body temperature (on the off chance that it shows I do ovulate [haha]) and go through the usual TTC motions just so that I get used to it. One really positive note though: prenatal vitamins do wonders for my immune system! Since I started taking them in November, I can tell I've successfully fought off 2 colds without getting more than the sniffles for a day or two. And I'm usually so susceptible to illness in the winter.