Losing

Tonight, I feel like the PCOS is winning. I don't feel hopeful, I don't feel positive. And I definitely don't feel pretty or attractive. This is what sucks: that all the medicine I was on to control the symptoms will keep me from getting pregnant, but now that I am off them, I'm still not pregnant and I have symptoms to deal with. So I'll just, what? Continue to not get pregnant while slowly getting fatter, hairier, and pimplier? That's fair... Or not.

It makes me want to give up. Just say no, go back on all my regular meds, and give up any hope of children. I can't lose all my self-esteem over my looks just to end up with no children anyway. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do some women just get to have sex and magically end up pregnant and others have to wade through drugs and doctor's visits, and side effects, and horrible symptoms, with no promise of a positive result? And why do I have to be on this side of it all. I want to have a daughter so badly, but since PCOS is hereditary, I should probably hope for a boy so that I don't curse another woman with this wretched "syndrome".

Tonight, I am losing all hope. Maybe tomorrow I will feel differently, but for now, the PCOS is winning hands down. And that is so depressing...