October 26, 2011


I'm fighting a sinking feeling that the clomid is not working again. I'm CD13 and my temps are doing nothing special and yesterday and today my CM has been remarkably ambiguous - almost not even there. Apart from hot flashes, I don't feel anything - zilch. ::sigh:: Is it wrong to assume the worst just to protect oneself from the emotional damage of a let down? If I assume its not working and then it does, well hey! Bonus! But if I'm right and its not working, at least I didn't waste energy on hope that was baseless.

My body doesn't know the difference between me thinking positively or negatively. My ability to ovulate is not dependent on my mood or outlook. So it does no harm to say "This isn't working".

I'm not asking for much. I'm not asking to get pregnant this month, I'm not even asking to get pregnant *next* month. I'd just like a *chance* to get pregnant. To at least feel normal and level the playing field. So that when I say to someone "We are trying", I don't think to myself "Yeah, trying just to OVULATE".

The not knowing is the worst part. I'm paddling in the shallow end of a very big pool - that's what I told Dr. P. I just wish I knew how far I have to go to get my body to work. Is 100mg enough? 150? Maybe 150mg and a trigger shot? Or perhaps clomid doesn't work with me and I should be using Femara? There are so many more things to try....and the longer it takes to figure out what works is the longer I wait to *really* start TTC - with any chance of actually becoming pregnant... And until then, the pessimism is the only thing protecting me.

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