I think some radio silence can be forgiven after something as upending as sudden parenting happens.
A has been home for about 3 and half months now. I went back to work in September. We're fairly settled into our new routine. Sometimes, in the rush of the day, of just trying to exist and do it *on time*, I worry I am not taking the necessary time to stop and appreciate the gift from God that is my life right now. But then there are moments of quiet, at the end of the day, or first thing in the morning, when I'm holding A and she is snuggling into me - I feel in my *bones* just how lucky, how blessed beyond imagining M and I are.
Working full time is hard. I spent 5 and half years wondering if I would *ever* have a child. Now that it has happened, it feels wrong to be away from her so much of the time. My commute is killer, too. I know when A is older, the drive will be special time for us together. We can sing songs, talk, whatever. But for now, while she is tiny, it feels like totally wasted time. Stolen time. On an average weekday, I get about 2 hours really *with* her. It's hard. For now, I try to focus on the positives: I am really lucky to have my job, I am well paid for my work, I have an *awesome* boss, I have a safe car to transport A and I, and A is taken care of by my sister and my mom while I'm at work. I am so SO lucky. But I continue to pray that it is in God's plan for me to scale back to part time work somewhere down the line. I don't think I could be a Stay At Home Mom - my sister does it (and home schools), so I know it is not a magical cake walk. I worked part time for 2 weeks while I transitioned back from FMLA and it was a great balance of adult time and baby time.
Staying in touch with A's birth family has gone very well so far, but I think it is to be expected that these are easy days. We don't know each other very well, everyone is on their best behavior, and we haven't done an in-person visit yet. That is planned for A's first birthday next May. In the mean time, we email and share pictures and videos. I know that the relationship won't always be this easy, so I just keep praying for guidance for us to be good stewards of this relationship on A's behalf.
I am still figuring out how to navigate the world as an adoptive parent. When do I speak up and tell people we adopted A, when do I let it go, how do I use appropriate language to facilitate understanding about how modern adoption works, when do I not make it my crusade to fix every myth about adoption, how do I speak about our experience without betraying A's privacy to her own life story? It's often complicated and I'm always concerned I may say something I regret. But I have to build up my confidence now so that I can be any ally and advocate for her as she gets older and begins to understand what it means to be adopted. I hope I can do right by her and her birth family.
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Adoption. Show all posts
October 17, 2016
July 29, 2016
Chosen
"All those days watching from the windows
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here suddenly I see
Standing here it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be
And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you"
On a random Tuesday morning, when you are more concerned about the minutia of your office work than the big What Ifs of your future - that's when it happens. And I didn't even get the call - I *missed* the call. And the voicemail. And the other calls from M. And all his text messages:
"Call me asap"
"We were picked"
"Baby is here"
Baby is here? Now? We weren't just chosen for a hypothetical placement that may or may not take place - the baby is HERE and then we were picked?
Instant dizzy, instant tears, instant "HOLY FUCK!"
We were called on Tuesday morning, July 5th, and by 5pm on Friday, July 8th, we were parents. It was that quick. Five and a half years after I first tossed the birth control pills, it happened just that fast. I don't think I've finished processing it, even after 3 weeks.
My someday-baby, my maybe-baby, my dream-that-may-never-happen-and-I-need-to-be-okay-with-that-Baby. She is real and she is here and I can't believe how terrified, humbled, and full of love I felt from the moment I held her tiny. tiny hand.
My A.
My beautiful, amazing daughter, A.
All those years outside looking in
All that time never even knowing
Just how blind I've been
Now I'm here blinking in the starlight
Now I'm here suddenly I see
Standing here it's all so clear
I'm where I'm meant to be
And at last I see the light
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last I see the light
And it's like the sky is new
And it's warm and real and bright
And the world has somehow shifted
All at once everything looks different
Now that I see you"
On a random Tuesday morning, when you are more concerned about the minutia of your office work than the big What Ifs of your future - that's when it happens. And I didn't even get the call - I *missed* the call. And the voicemail. And the other calls from M. And all his text messages:
"Call me asap"
"We were picked"
"Baby is here"
Baby is here? Now? We weren't just chosen for a hypothetical placement that may or may not take place - the baby is HERE and then we were picked?
Instant dizzy, instant tears, instant "HOLY FUCK!"
We were called on Tuesday morning, July 5th, and by 5pm on Friday, July 8th, we were parents. It was that quick. Five and a half years after I first tossed the birth control pills, it happened just that fast. I don't think I've finished processing it, even after 3 weeks.
My someday-baby, my maybe-baby, my dream-that-may-never-happen-and-I-need-to-be-okay-with-that-Baby. She is real and she is here and I can't believe how terrified, humbled, and full of love I felt from the moment I held her tiny. tiny hand.
My A.
My beautiful, amazing daughter, A.
May 04, 2016
The line is moving!
You know when you're in line for a roller coaster or something, and there are periods where you stand and stand and stand and the line doesn't budge an inch. Then all of a sudden, there's movement and everybody shuffles along moving several places up all at once! And its exciting, there's activity, visible progress! That is how I feel whenever I check our agency's "waiting families" page and see that a profile (or two, or three!) have been removed.
I know we aren't technically "in line", the people at the top who have waited the longest are not guaranteed to match any sooner than those at the end of the list, but you can't deny the odds are good. Those who have waited the longest have their profiles shown in the "first batch" provided to expectant moms. Families at the end of the list who have only been waiting a few months will only be shown if the expectant mom asks to see more profiles after the "first batch". This is all contingent upon any specific requests from the expectant mom about attributes she does or does not want in a family, of course. But it seems that, at our agency, most families are open to all races, all genders, and many of the drug exposure situations or difficult life situations. So most of the limitations of who gets shown is down to requests by the expectant mom.
All things being equal, the closer you are to the top of the list, the more often you profile might be shown. Obviously, you start in dead-last place as the newest "active, waiting family". Our agency has between 20 to 30 active families at any one time, on average. We hung out in the low-twenties positions on the list for a loooooong time, slowing creeping upward. After Christmas, it seemed like no one was matching. Nothing happened on the website for at least 2 months straight. I was getting nervous. Then, a week or so before our Spring quarterly meeting with the agency, two families came off the list. That started a trend and every few weeks, more and more families have come off the list! I was particularly happy for 2 families which I had seen on the website back in November 2014 when we were researching agencies. I was happy to see that even those with a long wait did eventually match. Even though these matches aren't related *directly* to M and I, it is still so joyful to see the progress and activity - keeps my hopes up, gives me something to cheer about. And as those families match, our match draws closer! We are now in the top ten, so hopefully our profile is in the "first batch" at least some of the time.
It's hard to not get excited! I'm trying to keep in mind we have not been active a whole year yet and who knows what expectant mothers are looking for. There are a lot of things I talked about in our profile that could be positives to one mom and negatives to another. We just need to keep praying that we are brought together with the mother that is right for us, so that we can develop a strong, lifelong relationship with her for the benefit of our (hers and ours) child.
It is pretty exciting though XD
I know we aren't technically "in line", the people at the top who have waited the longest are not guaranteed to match any sooner than those at the end of the list, but you can't deny the odds are good. Those who have waited the longest have their profiles shown in the "first batch" provided to expectant moms. Families at the end of the list who have only been waiting a few months will only be shown if the expectant mom asks to see more profiles after the "first batch". This is all contingent upon any specific requests from the expectant mom about attributes she does or does not want in a family, of course. But it seems that, at our agency, most families are open to all races, all genders, and many of the drug exposure situations or difficult life situations. So most of the limitations of who gets shown is down to requests by the expectant mom.
All things being equal, the closer you are to the top of the list, the more often you profile might be shown. Obviously, you start in dead-last place as the newest "active, waiting family". Our agency has between 20 to 30 active families at any one time, on average. We hung out in the low-twenties positions on the list for a loooooong time, slowing creeping upward. After Christmas, it seemed like no one was matching. Nothing happened on the website for at least 2 months straight. I was getting nervous. Then, a week or so before our Spring quarterly meeting with the agency, two families came off the list. That started a trend and every few weeks, more and more families have come off the list! I was particularly happy for 2 families which I had seen on the website back in November 2014 when we were researching agencies. I was happy to see that even those with a long wait did eventually match. Even though these matches aren't related *directly* to M and I, it is still so joyful to see the progress and activity - keeps my hopes up, gives me something to cheer about. And as those families match, our match draws closer! We are now in the top ten, so hopefully our profile is in the "first batch" at least some of the time.
It's hard to not get excited! I'm trying to keep in mind we have not been active a whole year yet and who knows what expectant mothers are looking for. There are a lot of things I talked about in our profile that could be positives to one mom and negatives to another. We just need to keep praying that we are brought together with the mother that is right for us, so that we can develop a strong, lifelong relationship with her for the benefit of our (hers and ours) child.
It is pretty exciting though XD
January 04, 2016
Journey's End
Five years ago this month, I threw out my birth control pills as M and I actively began trying to expand our family...
Five years ago.
I can't even.
One part of my brain tells me that five years is not a long time. Another part of brain my brain tells me that the person who threw out those pills is not the same person who is typing these words. She has become like a myth or a fairy tale - there's a kernel of truth in her, but she's not based in any reality that *I* know. Not now.
Over those five years, M and I lived across the country from each other for 10 weeks, got in a car accident, bought a new car, M graduated and got his first "adult" job, we bought a house and moved 45 minutes away from our families. I had more work-related drama than any person should deal with in their entire life and my family endured the crisis of my mom's spinal stroke and paralysis. We have been tested, we have been blessed. And through it all, we tried and tried and tried and TRIED to get pregnant.
At the time, in January 2011, I *thought* I was going into TTC with my eyes wide open. I'd had a PCOS diagnosis since 2006 and I had seen my sister go through fertility treatments to conceive my nephew, A, and the triplets that she lost. I was prepared; my loins were appropriately girded for the fight. I was so. freaking. naive. Nine month wasted trying "naturally" (which was actually nine months spent not ovulating so no shot in hell of becoming pregnant). Four rounds of low-dose clomid which did as much good as trying "naturally". Then spurred to new heights of hope with an RE: surgery and seven heavily medicated cycles over a year and a half. No one could give me a reason for why it wasn't happening for us, but it just wasn't. The RE pushed for IVF, but fortunately I'm a stubborn person who doesn't like to feel pushed into things. I had spent 3 years as a mental wreck from drugs and watching "the whole world" get pregnant around me. The end of 2013 was sad and difficult. It had not been a kind year in a number of ways, but it was the last year I held any hope of being pregnant, of having a "normal" family.
I declared that 2014 would be a year taken off from all things family building. No doctors, no drugs, no agencies, paperwork, or meetings. We would just be us and figure out if that was okay or if we wanted to pursue adoption. I think I started to rediscover myself as a person, no longer a cyclical failure, a monthly pincushion. I needed that time to grieve and heal.
I think 2015 went as well as it did because we took a gigantic pause right as we were at the point of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. We needed to know we were ready for that jump and everything that would come after. We had talked through our feelings about never raising a biological child and what adopting really meant, beyond the day someone hands you a cute baby. We dug into the messy, complicated ugliness of what could be in adoption if we did not properly educate ourselves. When we chose our agency and mailed in the application, it felt like a new lease on life, like Hope was a friend again, not a cruel joke. Everything since that day has worked out so well, I pray to God it is a sign we are doing the right thing - finally on the path He set out for us.
I feel amazingly at peace, so full of hope that 2016 will be our year! 2011 me would be so sad for 2016 me, but that's only because she has no idea - not a clue. I am blessed beyond imagining, beyond reason. I would never go back to any point in the last five years. You couldn't pay me enough to do it. I'm on the other side of that dark, frightening road and life is good.
Happy New Year :-)
Five years ago.
I can't even.
One part of my brain tells me that five years is not a long time. Another part of brain my brain tells me that the person who threw out those pills is not the same person who is typing these words. She has become like a myth or a fairy tale - there's a kernel of truth in her, but she's not based in any reality that *I* know. Not now.
Over those five years, M and I lived across the country from each other for 10 weeks, got in a car accident, bought a new car, M graduated and got his first "adult" job, we bought a house and moved 45 minutes away from our families. I had more work-related drama than any person should deal with in their entire life and my family endured the crisis of my mom's spinal stroke and paralysis. We have been tested, we have been blessed. And through it all, we tried and tried and tried and TRIED to get pregnant.
At the time, in January 2011, I *thought* I was going into TTC with my eyes wide open. I'd had a PCOS diagnosis since 2006 and I had seen my sister go through fertility treatments to conceive my nephew, A, and the triplets that she lost. I was prepared; my loins were appropriately girded for the fight. I was so. freaking. naive. Nine month wasted trying "naturally" (which was actually nine months spent not ovulating so no shot in hell of becoming pregnant). Four rounds of low-dose clomid which did as much good as trying "naturally". Then spurred to new heights of hope with an RE: surgery and seven heavily medicated cycles over a year and a half. No one could give me a reason for why it wasn't happening for us, but it just wasn't. The RE pushed for IVF, but fortunately I'm a stubborn person who doesn't like to feel pushed into things. I had spent 3 years as a mental wreck from drugs and watching "the whole world" get pregnant around me. The end of 2013 was sad and difficult. It had not been a kind year in a number of ways, but it was the last year I held any hope of being pregnant, of having a "normal" family.
I declared that 2014 would be a year taken off from all things family building. No doctors, no drugs, no agencies, paperwork, or meetings. We would just be us and figure out if that was okay or if we wanted to pursue adoption. I think I started to rediscover myself as a person, no longer a cyclical failure, a monthly pincushion. I needed that time to grieve and heal.
I think 2015 went as well as it did because we took a gigantic pause right as we were at the point of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. We needed to know we were ready for that jump and everything that would come after. We had talked through our feelings about never raising a biological child and what adopting really meant, beyond the day someone hands you a cute baby. We dug into the messy, complicated ugliness of what could be in adoption if we did not properly educate ourselves. When we chose our agency and mailed in the application, it felt like a new lease on life, like Hope was a friend again, not a cruel joke. Everything since that day has worked out so well, I pray to God it is a sign we are doing the right thing - finally on the path He set out for us.
I feel amazingly at peace, so full of hope that 2016 will be our year! 2011 me would be so sad for 2016 me, but that's only because she has no idea - not a clue. I am blessed beyond imagining, beyond reason. I would never go back to any point in the last five years. You couldn't pay me enough to do it. I'm on the other side of that dark, frightening road and life is good.
Happy New Year :-)
November 02, 2015
A Milestone
October was a crazy month. It started with M getting a new job offer (he'd been casually applying around for a few months for a variety of reasons). This new job would be military contract work, which we have no experience with and little understanding of. His hiring process was a bit of a rushed disaster (something we were assured by family is the norm for military contracts) that had both M and I tied in stress knots. He accepted the offer under an assumption of a firm start date only to be told later he couldn't start working until mountains of paperwork were submitted. Then, an 11th hour phone call came from M's current employer. A senior level manager (someone at the corporate, international level) who had worked with M on some projects called and asked him what it would take to convince him to stay. Fortunately, M took it as an opportunity to discuss ALL his concerns, not just money. They squared away a deal that addressed his issues and also tacked on a slightly crazy pay increase. So in the span of two weeks: M was offered a new job, accepted new job, learned all the hoops he had to jump through just to start new job, got counter-offer from current employer, accepted, gave regrets to new employer. It was a whirlwind, that's for sure.
We were already on track with our adoption savings. I had worked out that it was likely we'd be able to put away the last bit of money at the end of October. With M's new pay rate, we DEFINITELY were able to set aside what we needed. And so....
We are *OFFICIALLY* done saving for our adoption!!
I am so excited! And humbled! And shocked! And blessed!
We took a leap of faith last year, moving forward with an agency even though we had very little in savings. I'd like to say that we scrimped and saved, pulled our American selves up by our red, white, and blue bootstraps and all that other self-made man talk. But seriously? This was God. 100% start to finish, God. There are a hundred ways He has chosen to bless us that we did nothing to control, earn, or deserve. But He made it happen.
I feel so unworthy. Money actually scares me a little. The verse in the bible about it being easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get to heaven is never far from my thoughts. Money binds you to things - material, worldly things. It twists your mind to make you think you "earned" your financial security. I never want to be so beholden to something that is so far from heaven. We are building up our non-adoption savings (cause apparently it costs money to raise kids? That's what I hear!) and paying down/off some debts so that if and when our financial situation changes, we can live with less without worry. No expensive new car. No bigger, better house. No shopping spree for all new clothes, electronics, what have you. It's too scary. If you adjust your standard of living up, then it's hard to adjust back down. We're going to try very hard to keep living the same as before, just with more money going towards our loans, into savings, and to charities.
We are three months into our wait and we're ready for a baby any time now. We have most of what we need already supplied from my sister and her best friend (they saved nearly everything from their last babies for us). We'll work on turning the "craft (and cat) room" into a nursery this winter and plan to have it furnished and ready by late spring. Hopefully next summer or fall we will get the call. We're ready.
We were already on track with our adoption savings. I had worked out that it was likely we'd be able to put away the last bit of money at the end of October. With M's new pay rate, we DEFINITELY were able to set aside what we needed. And so....
We are *OFFICIALLY* done saving for our adoption!!
I am so excited! And humbled! And shocked! And blessed!
We took a leap of faith last year, moving forward with an agency even though we had very little in savings. I'd like to say that we scrimped and saved, pulled our American selves up by our red, white, and blue bootstraps and all that other self-made man talk. But seriously? This was God. 100% start to finish, God. There are a hundred ways He has chosen to bless us that we did nothing to control, earn, or deserve. But He made it happen.
I feel so unworthy. Money actually scares me a little. The verse in the bible about it being easier for a camel to fit through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get to heaven is never far from my thoughts. Money binds you to things - material, worldly things. It twists your mind to make you think you "earned" your financial security. I never want to be so beholden to something that is so far from heaven. We are building up our non-adoption savings (cause apparently it costs money to raise kids? That's what I hear!) and paying down/off some debts so that if and when our financial situation changes, we can live with less without worry. No expensive new car. No bigger, better house. No shopping spree for all new clothes, electronics, what have you. It's too scary. If you adjust your standard of living up, then it's hard to adjust back down. We're going to try very hard to keep living the same as before, just with more money going towards our loans, into savings, and to charities.
We are three months into our wait and we're ready for a baby any time now. We have most of what we need already supplied from my sister and her best friend (they saved nearly everything from their last babies for us). We'll work on turning the "craft (and cat) room" into a nursery this winter and plan to have it furnished and ready by late spring. Hopefully next summer or fall we will get the call. We're ready.
August 12, 2015
Cloth Diapering
After months of reading and digesting the mountains of information the internet has to offer on the topic of cloth diapering, I finally feel like I've come to a comfortable level of understanding. I really didn't know, when I first thought Hmm, maybe I want to look into cloth diapers, that you pretty much had to take a semester long course to fully learn all of the diaper types, accessories, and laundering considerations. But the research was well worth the effort. I particularly appreciated that many working moms who cloth diaper have provided tips and tricks for making it work even though you aren't home all day! Those websites really encouraged me. So, I think I have...
The Plan
There are like, seven different kinds of cloth diaper types and they all have their merits and their drawbacks. After enough reading, I realized I didn't need to commit myself to exclusively using any one type. I could use ALL the types if I wanted! So I narrowed down to the diaper styles that seemed they would be most affordable/useful/easily laundered. These would be the prefold diapers (like my parents used when cloth diapering me and my siblings) and the pocket diapers (modern cloth diapers that you stuff with absorbent pads). There was also the option of using a diaper service, who provides the diapers and launders them for a weekly fee. These have become a bit rare, but I am fortunate to have a company that services my area. They provide prefolds and do the washing in giant industrial washers. The service is kind of expensive: $25/week. But how much is it worth to you to not have to launder diapers every 2 to 3 days? Minimizing cost is one of the reasons I looked into cloth diapering in the first place, so I thought I would have to pass up the service at first. Until it dawned on me that, just like with types of cloth diapers, I don't have to wed myself to using a service *forever*. And the service has some major benefits for someone brand new to cloth diapering (and brand new to parenting...functioning without sleep...caring for something wholly dependent on them...). Newborns are hard to size in cloth diapers. You almost have to get the special newborn diapers that will ONLY fit them for like 3 weeks, unless you have a large or fast growing baby. The diaper service delivers the exact size of diaper you need *and* they provide newborn covers so you don't have to buy them. Not having to buy something that my baby will outgrow in the blink of an eye is a good thing. Plus, I figure we will be more successful using cloth diapers if someone else is doing the laundry at first. We'll have enough on our plate without 3-4 extra loads of laundry a week. Once the baby is out of the newborn stage and we are slightly better adjusted to the new normal, we can cancel the service and start using our own diapers and laundering them at home. I plan to have a stash of diapers already before we discontinue the diaper service. Prefolds are economical, wash easily, and last a long time - plus, you can stuff the small sized prefolds into pocket diapers (two-fer!). Pocket diapers go on the baby exactly like disposables do and so are easy for dad's, day-cares, etc. to use, they launder easily, and come in "one size" styles that grow with your baby (whereas prefolds must be bought in various sizes as your baby grows).
I think I have selected the best choices from the buffet of cloth diapering options for our family. If my mom wants to host a baby shower for us, I will ask that it be a diaper shower and people can buy us any of the cloth options we like, or disposables (we plan on having disposables available for nights, naps, long trips, etc.). If I was feeling dangerous, I'd start pinning specific brands of pockets and pre-folds to my pinterest board, but I'm just not that brave yet! Maybe soon...
The Plan
There are like, seven different kinds of cloth diaper types and they all have their merits and their drawbacks. After enough reading, I realized I didn't need to commit myself to exclusively using any one type. I could use ALL the types if I wanted! So I narrowed down to the diaper styles that seemed they would be most affordable/useful/easily laundered. These would be the prefold diapers (like my parents used when cloth diapering me and my siblings) and the pocket diapers (modern cloth diapers that you stuff with absorbent pads). There was also the option of using a diaper service, who provides the diapers and launders them for a weekly fee. These have become a bit rare, but I am fortunate to have a company that services my area. They provide prefolds and do the washing in giant industrial washers. The service is kind of expensive: $25/week. But how much is it worth to you to not have to launder diapers every 2 to 3 days? Minimizing cost is one of the reasons I looked into cloth diapering in the first place, so I thought I would have to pass up the service at first. Until it dawned on me that, just like with types of cloth diapers, I don't have to wed myself to using a service *forever*. And the service has some major benefits for someone brand new to cloth diapering (and brand new to parenting...functioning without sleep...caring for something wholly dependent on them...). Newborns are hard to size in cloth diapers. You almost have to get the special newborn diapers that will ONLY fit them for like 3 weeks, unless you have a large or fast growing baby. The diaper service delivers the exact size of diaper you need *and* they provide newborn covers so you don't have to buy them. Not having to buy something that my baby will outgrow in the blink of an eye is a good thing. Plus, I figure we will be more successful using cloth diapers if someone else is doing the laundry at first. We'll have enough on our plate without 3-4 extra loads of laundry a week. Once the baby is out of the newborn stage and we are slightly better adjusted to the new normal, we can cancel the service and start using our own diapers and laundering them at home. I plan to have a stash of diapers already before we discontinue the diaper service. Prefolds are economical, wash easily, and last a long time - plus, you can stuff the small sized prefolds into pocket diapers (two-fer!). Pocket diapers go on the baby exactly like disposables do and so are easy for dad's, day-cares, etc. to use, they launder easily, and come in "one size" styles that grow with your baby (whereas prefolds must be bought in various sizes as your baby grows).
I think I have selected the best choices from the buffet of cloth diapering options for our family. If my mom wants to host a baby shower for us, I will ask that it be a diaper shower and people can buy us any of the cloth options we like, or disposables (we plan on having disposables available for nights, naps, long trips, etc.). If I was feeling dangerous, I'd start pinning specific brands of pockets and pre-folds to my pinterest board, but I'm just not that brave yet! Maybe soon...
July 30, 2015
It Still Sucks
Allowing myself time to process and grieve my infertility, plus moving onto adoption for our family building, has gone a long way towards healing the deep seated anger, frustration, jealousy, and utter sadness I have often felt when hearing that another woman I know is pregnant. I don't have a strong reaction to every big belly I see, anymore. I don't sit in my GYN's waiting room with bitterness for all the in-my-face pregnancies. My cousin announced her pregnancy on Facebook in May and I just kind of rolled my eyes, sighed, and unfollowed her. Small pit in the stomach, nothing I couldn't shake off in a few minutes. It was a little harder when a co-worker confided in me that she was unexpectedly pregnant. It was out of the blue, they weren't trying. Plus, I was in the middle of researching how to advocate for equal parental leave for adoptive parents and very much feeling like a second class future mom. I cried on the way home and sobbed into my husband's shoulder that I really was *so* happy for her and she will be a great mom. It is such an emotionally complicated place to be...
But as complicated as that was, it is nothing compared to the emotional monster that reared his head from the depths of my infertility pain when my best friend of 14 years told me she was pregnant in the first month of trying. Not a gut punch. A BRAIN punch. A full body, forceful slam into a brick wall. And I am right back to the anger, frustration, jealousy, and ever present, aching sadness over my own inability to even comprehend how easy it is to get pregnant when you're not me.
The adoption is not easing my pain so quickly. I'm not an idiot. She will have a baby in 9 months. I will still be waiting. She could conceivably lap me and be working on baby #2 while we continue to wait. She will have all of the normal events which mark the progression of those knowable 9 months: announcement to the family, announcement to the world, gender reveal, viability, baby showers, nesting in those last few precious weeks. We...continue to have to explain to people that no, we probably won't have a baby by the end of the year. Well, we are waiting for a match - no, a match doesn't mean we will get a baby for sure. I wish I could tell you when, but that's not how it works. No, we won't be announcing when we match because it could fall through. Maybe a year, maybe two - yes, it takes that long...There's no universally understood progression of time, marked with socially conforming celebrations and milestones, for adoption. People know we are adopting, but they honestly have no idea what that means as far as what the next year or two of our lives will look like. Neither do I. People know how to talk about pregnancy, our entire female human history is a shared experience of pregnancy. No one I know has adopted. No shared experiences to be had.
Adoption isn't a cure-all for the infertile couple. It is a means of building a family, but it doesn't fix everything, it doesn't give you everything that infertility took away. I knew this, I know this, I don't expect it to be. But I wish there was *something* that would make me forget four and a half years of trying and failing so that I could be happy for my friend who never had to try. I want so badly to be, but all I feel is sad and left behind.
My sister promises that after babyhood is over, all parents are the same, we won't feel so obviously different because our child's milestones will be the same no matter how they came to us. I hope to God that is even only mostly true.
But as complicated as that was, it is nothing compared to the emotional monster that reared his head from the depths of my infertility pain when my best friend of 14 years told me she was pregnant in the first month of trying. Not a gut punch. A BRAIN punch. A full body, forceful slam into a brick wall. And I am right back to the anger, frustration, jealousy, and ever present, aching sadness over my own inability to even comprehend how easy it is to get pregnant when you're not me.
The adoption is not easing my pain so quickly. I'm not an idiot. She will have a baby in 9 months. I will still be waiting. She could conceivably lap me and be working on baby #2 while we continue to wait. She will have all of the normal events which mark the progression of those knowable 9 months: announcement to the family, announcement to the world, gender reveal, viability, baby showers, nesting in those last few precious weeks. We...continue to have to explain to people that no, we probably won't have a baby by the end of the year. Well, we are waiting for a match - no, a match doesn't mean we will get a baby for sure. I wish I could tell you when, but that's not how it works. No, we won't be announcing when we match because it could fall through. Maybe a year, maybe two - yes, it takes that long...There's no universally understood progression of time, marked with socially conforming celebrations and milestones, for adoption. People know we are adopting, but they honestly have no idea what that means as far as what the next year or two of our lives will look like. Neither do I. People know how to talk about pregnancy, our entire female human history is a shared experience of pregnancy. No one I know has adopted. No shared experiences to be had.
Adoption isn't a cure-all for the infertile couple. It is a means of building a family, but it doesn't fix everything, it doesn't give you everything that infertility took away. I knew this, I know this, I don't expect it to be. But I wish there was *something* that would make me forget four and a half years of trying and failing so that I could be happy for my friend who never had to try. I want so badly to be, but all I feel is sad and left behind.
My sister promises that after babyhood is over, all parents are the same, we won't feel so obviously different because our child's milestones will be the same no matter how they came to us. I hope to God that is even only mostly true.
July 15, 2015
Waiting is waiting
We are agency approved! Our adoptive parent profile books have been ordered (after much hand-wringing and editing from me) and will be delivered to the agency by the end of the month. At that point we will officially be waiting for our match!
I am indescribably happy that the first part of our journey has come to a close. I don't even know what to do with myself! We made it, we survived. The road thus far has been at turns terrifying and frustrating and unending. Yet here we are: waiting.
I feel a little like we left the infertility waiting room of unknowing, took a long winding walk, and now find ourselves in another, very similar, waiting room of unknowing.
"Will it be today??" Variations of this question are bound to crowd my brain in the coming months. Logically, I know it is unrealistic to expect that we will match quickly. Not because there is something wrong with us, but simply as a result of the process that we have no control over. There are only so many expectant women looking for families with our agency, and only so many of them will even look at our book based on their situation. These things take time. And yet obviously, the blooming hope and optimism within me is all "But you never know, you *could* match quickly!!" It is difficult to want to stuff that hope down when I lived in despair for so long. Hope is sunny and warm and bubbly - I love that feeling! I just need to temper it with enough reality to not feel disappointed when we haven't matched by the end of the year. We simply have to wait.
I am hopeful that this version of waiting will be easier than the on-again, off-again roller coaster of infertility cycles. I think some people want to be as informed about their profiles views as possible, but I am not one of those people. I don't want to know when a woman is reading our book unless she has chosen us. Because rejection sucks. I'd rather hear about it in detached statistics: "Over the past 4 months, we showed your profile 3 times". That is a kind of rejection I can handle, it is over and done with, no agonizing.
I've been holding off on a few projects because I knew they would be excellent to fill some time while we wait. I want to thoroughly research cloth diapering, I need to get a handle on how much breast-milk I can realistically expect to source on a regular basis, we need to choose a pediatrician. Also we can start researching every major baby device purchase (God there are so many things one needs!) so we know exactly what to get when the time comes. I'm still not comfortable with the idea of buying things (or receiving baby items as gifts), but I think I am going to have to suck it up and learn to be okay. My sister has been saving a LOT of stuff for us from Bear (the 2.5 y/o nephew) and she is sort of begging me to get some of it out of her house so she can re-claim her craft room. Plus, several people have told me they were just waiting for us to be officially waiting before getting us a gift of some kind. I have to figure out how to not be anxious about the existence of baby stuff in my house or I will be committed before we match.
Oh, one other project that will help pass the time: I have drafted a proposal with persuasive arguments for my employer to update their parental leave policy! I'm so political, LOL! I was honestly crushed when I learned that I would get 3 weeks of leave for my adoption, but had I managed to conceive I would have received 6 weeks. It continued to trouble me over the months and I brought it up at a staff open forum last month. I was encouraged to pursue a policy change and next week I present my research, arguments, and proposals to our staff advisory council! I'm really excited about it and I hope I can get their support in lobbying the administration.
What did you do during your wait? I would love ideas and advice!
I am indescribably happy that the first part of our journey has come to a close. I don't even know what to do with myself! We made it, we survived. The road thus far has been at turns terrifying and frustrating and unending. Yet here we are: waiting.
I feel a little like we left the infertility waiting room of unknowing, took a long winding walk, and now find ourselves in another, very similar, waiting room of unknowing.
"Will it be today??" Variations of this question are bound to crowd my brain in the coming months. Logically, I know it is unrealistic to expect that we will match quickly. Not because there is something wrong with us, but simply as a result of the process that we have no control over. There are only so many expectant women looking for families with our agency, and only so many of them will even look at our book based on their situation. These things take time. And yet obviously, the blooming hope and optimism within me is all "But you never know, you *could* match quickly!!" It is difficult to want to stuff that hope down when I lived in despair for so long. Hope is sunny and warm and bubbly - I love that feeling! I just need to temper it with enough reality to not feel disappointed when we haven't matched by the end of the year. We simply have to wait.
I am hopeful that this version of waiting will be easier than the on-again, off-again roller coaster of infertility cycles. I think some people want to be as informed about their profiles views as possible, but I am not one of those people. I don't want to know when a woman is reading our book unless she has chosen us. Because rejection sucks. I'd rather hear about it in detached statistics: "Over the past 4 months, we showed your profile 3 times". That is a kind of rejection I can handle, it is over and done with, no agonizing.
I've been holding off on a few projects because I knew they would be excellent to fill some time while we wait. I want to thoroughly research cloth diapering, I need to get a handle on how much breast-milk I can realistically expect to source on a regular basis, we need to choose a pediatrician. Also we can start researching every major baby device purchase (God there are so many things one needs!) so we know exactly what to get when the time comes. I'm still not comfortable with the idea of buying things (or receiving baby items as gifts), but I think I am going to have to suck it up and learn to be okay. My sister has been saving a LOT of stuff for us from Bear (the 2.5 y/o nephew) and she is sort of begging me to get some of it out of her house so she can re-claim her craft room. Plus, several people have told me they were just waiting for us to be officially waiting before getting us a gift of some kind. I have to figure out how to not be anxious about the existence of baby stuff in my house or I will be committed before we match.
Oh, one other project that will help pass the time: I have drafted a proposal with persuasive arguments for my employer to update their parental leave policy! I'm so political, LOL! I was honestly crushed when I learned that I would get 3 weeks of leave for my adoption, but had I managed to conceive I would have received 6 weeks. It continued to trouble me over the months and I brought it up at a staff open forum last month. I was encouraged to pursue a policy change and next week I present my research, arguments, and proposals to our staff advisory council! I'm really excited about it and I hope I can get their support in lobbying the administration.
What did you do during your wait? I would love ideas and advice!
June 04, 2015
Wildly Vacillating Emotions
I am so excited to be a mom! Wheeeee!!!
I am so terrified of introducing an infant into our daily lives! Aaaaaagh!!!
We're gonna have a baby! Eeeeeeeee!!!
We're going to ruin our marriage! Heeeeeelp!!!
That kind of sums up for you where my head is at these days - which is to say limitless joy and bottomless terror and all points between just for good measure.
I know I can't be the only person to look at impending parenthood and feel this see-saw of emotions, but I still feel alone in it. We worked so hard for this, so long for this - I must *really* want it, right? I must be nearly desperate for that baby, for motherhood, for my life to make a 180 degree turn and look nothing like my current existence.
Well, no. I rather like my current existence, actually. If I've had a bad day at work, I get to come home and binge-watch Stargate episodes if I want to. I sleep in until 8 on Saturdays. We can have sex whenever we want!
Half the time, I am so excited to be matched and placed. I can't wait to be a mommy and do all those parent-y things. But the other half of the time I am gripped in terror that I am inviting big trouble into my life. What if M and I start fighting all the time? What if our baby just has one of those temperaments where they cry all. the. time. What if M only *thinks* he wants kids, but then, when we have one, he doesn't want to change diapers, do bath time, or car pool to Little League? I am so scared that right now my life is perfect and I am about to destroy that perfection forever. Literally so scared that M need only say the word and I would probably drop this whole adoption thing.
Is that okay? Is that normal? I sometimes think I must not want children that much if I'm having these thoughts...but then I insist to myself that other people probably feel this way too and they just don't talk about it. Infertility and adopting both give you soooo much time to sit and think about all the things that could go wrong. I hate that ::sigh::
I will just keep working on our profile, and enjoying the way our life is now because it has a term limit. And I will breathe and remind myself that that is okay.
I am so terrified of introducing an infant into our daily lives! Aaaaaagh!!!
We're gonna have a baby! Eeeeeeeee!!!
We're going to ruin our marriage! Heeeeeelp!!!
That kind of sums up for you where my head is at these days - which is to say limitless joy and bottomless terror and all points between just for good measure.
I know I can't be the only person to look at impending parenthood and feel this see-saw of emotions, but I still feel alone in it. We worked so hard for this, so long for this - I must *really* want it, right? I must be nearly desperate for that baby, for motherhood, for my life to make a 180 degree turn and look nothing like my current existence.
Well, no. I rather like my current existence, actually. If I've had a bad day at work, I get to come home and binge-watch Stargate episodes if I want to. I sleep in until 8 on Saturdays. We can have sex whenever we want!
Half the time, I am so excited to be matched and placed. I can't wait to be a mommy and do all those parent-y things. But the other half of the time I am gripped in terror that I am inviting big trouble into my life. What if M and I start fighting all the time? What if our baby just has one of those temperaments where they cry all. the. time. What if M only *thinks* he wants kids, but then, when we have one, he doesn't want to change diapers, do bath time, or car pool to Little League? I am so scared that right now my life is perfect and I am about to destroy that perfection forever. Literally so scared that M need only say the word and I would probably drop this whole adoption thing.
Is that okay? Is that normal? I sometimes think I must not want children that much if I'm having these thoughts...but then I insist to myself that other people probably feel this way too and they just don't talk about it. Infertility and adopting both give you soooo much time to sit and think about all the things that could go wrong. I hate that ::sigh::
I will just keep working on our profile, and enjoying the way our life is now because it has a term limit. And I will breathe and remind myself that that is okay.
May 18, 2015
Our Home Study Experience
Wow, that was quick and painless! ....Did I miss something? Wasn't that supposed to be intimidating, invasive, and take forever? M and I might have gotten extremely lucky and had just about the best (and fastest!) experience possible with our home study!
Admittedly, there is probably great variation from state to state and even agency to agency within the same state. A home study is very much a "Your mileage may vary" kind of experience. Ours was a veritable cake walk. Mmmm...cake....
I had planned on not going crazy with cleaning because I knew there wouldn't be any white glove test. I thought, let's clean the bathrooms well and the kitchen, but other than that just vacuum, pick up clutter, maybe dust if there is time (haha, no, there wasn't time). But then I started breaking out with my second poison ivy rash in a month and so instead of cleaning like Jesus is coming because of the home study, we did it to try to wipe out any lingering trace of poison ivy oil that might be on the dog, furniture, carpet, *wherever*! I was very pleased with the state of our home by the time the social worker arrived - not like she was going to disapprove us from a lack of dusting, right??
I am so proud of how M handled the home study, there aren't sufficient words for how well he did. He is such an introvert, like not socially awkward just not a joiner in any way - he is a watcher and a listener, not a talker. In my family, we call him a cat because that is seriously the way he behaves. But with the social worker he was relaxed, spoke easily, didn't give weirdly vague or too short responses, and he even came up with some really clever ideas for handling discipline and for handling a closed adoption situation - completely on the fly! It was pretty much how M acts around me when it is just us, so I'm not saying he behaved totally unlike himself, just unlike himself when around strangers or large groups. I know he had to put a lot of conscious effort into it, so I made sure to acknowledge it with him later.
The questions were pretty straight forward and I didn't feel like they were overly probing. I answered the very long question of how we came to adoption over the past 4 years. M fielded the question of how we met and ended up together (an oddly long story, actually). There were general questions about our families, our relationships with them, our experiences growing up. Then there were adoption/parenting questions such as "How do you plan on handling discipline?"; "What level of openness are you comfortable with?"; "What if an expectant mother chooses you, but says she wants no contact?". None of the questions took us by surprise or were anything we hadn't already discussed at length with each other. Our answers came easily and honestly and we were able to provide some amount of detail to the more hypothetical questions, proving we'd thought things through.
The walk-through of the house had me nervous because we live in an almost 100 year old American Four Square. It was pretty much gutted to studs and remodeled in the late 90's, but the owners maintained the original aesthetics and craftsmanship of the house as much as possible. All that is to say: we have an old, quirky, and definitely NOT standard kind of home. Child-proofing will take thought, trial and error, and some creativity. We tried to demonstrate we are already thinking about those concerns, even if we haven't actually installed much in the way of child-proofing (and honestly, that comes down to me refusing to put anything in my home that is baby exclusive when we could wait 2 years to match). But apparently, it is a good thing that our old door knobs don't lock and that the original, double hung windows are a pain in the ass for an adult to open. We didn't get dinged on a single thing - whew!
Our social worker was with us for just under 3 hours and at the end of it all, pronounced she had everything she needed and saw no need to schedule a second visit! Wow! I felt like we were getting away with something, like cheating! She has all my contact info of course, so she said if any other questions come up while she is writing the report, she will just email me. The feeling of relief as she left our house was amazing. We passed! Someone thinks we could be safe, decent parents and will make that recommendation to the state for us! Not all couples can say they are state-certified parents ;-)
So now I need to really start working on the Profile book, writing out drafts of each section, researching layout options on Shutterfly. I guarantee the home study report will be submitted and our infant care classes completed before I finish the profile. I want to be very methodical and purposeful about the content because I want us to match with someone who feels a connection with us - the real us, not a stripped down/sanitized version of us. This is so exciting! We are SO close to be approved and waiting!!
Admittedly, there is probably great variation from state to state and even agency to agency within the same state. A home study is very much a "Your mileage may vary" kind of experience. Ours was a veritable cake walk. Mmmm...cake....
I had planned on not going crazy with cleaning because I knew there wouldn't be any white glove test. I thought, let's clean the bathrooms well and the kitchen, but other than that just vacuum, pick up clutter, maybe dust if there is time (haha, no, there wasn't time). But then I started breaking out with my second poison ivy rash in a month and so instead of cleaning like Jesus is coming because of the home study, we did it to try to wipe out any lingering trace of poison ivy oil that might be on the dog, furniture, carpet, *wherever*! I was very pleased with the state of our home by the time the social worker arrived - not like she was going to disapprove us from a lack of dusting, right??
I am so proud of how M handled the home study, there aren't sufficient words for how well he did. He is such an introvert, like not socially awkward just not a joiner in any way - he is a watcher and a listener, not a talker. In my family, we call him a cat because that is seriously the way he behaves. But with the social worker he was relaxed, spoke easily, didn't give weirdly vague or too short responses, and he even came up with some really clever ideas for handling discipline and for handling a closed adoption situation - completely on the fly! It was pretty much how M acts around me when it is just us, so I'm not saying he behaved totally unlike himself, just unlike himself when around strangers or large groups. I know he had to put a lot of conscious effort into it, so I made sure to acknowledge it with him later.
The questions were pretty straight forward and I didn't feel like they were overly probing. I answered the very long question of how we came to adoption over the past 4 years. M fielded the question of how we met and ended up together (an oddly long story, actually). There were general questions about our families, our relationships with them, our experiences growing up. Then there were adoption/parenting questions such as "How do you plan on handling discipline?"; "What level of openness are you comfortable with?"; "What if an expectant mother chooses you, but says she wants no contact?". None of the questions took us by surprise or were anything we hadn't already discussed at length with each other. Our answers came easily and honestly and we were able to provide some amount of detail to the more hypothetical questions, proving we'd thought things through.
The walk-through of the house had me nervous because we live in an almost 100 year old American Four Square. It was pretty much gutted to studs and remodeled in the late 90's, but the owners maintained the original aesthetics and craftsmanship of the house as much as possible. All that is to say: we have an old, quirky, and definitely NOT standard kind of home. Child-proofing will take thought, trial and error, and some creativity. We tried to demonstrate we are already thinking about those concerns, even if we haven't actually installed much in the way of child-proofing (and honestly, that comes down to me refusing to put anything in my home that is baby exclusive when we could wait 2 years to match). But apparently, it is a good thing that our old door knobs don't lock and that the original, double hung windows are a pain in the ass for an adult to open. We didn't get dinged on a single thing - whew!
Our social worker was with us for just under 3 hours and at the end of it all, pronounced she had everything she needed and saw no need to schedule a second visit! Wow! I felt like we were getting away with something, like cheating! She has all my contact info of course, so she said if any other questions come up while she is writing the report, she will just email me. The feeling of relief as she left our house was amazing. We passed! Someone thinks we could be safe, decent parents and will make that recommendation to the state for us! Not all couples can say they are state-certified parents ;-)
So now I need to really start working on the Profile book, writing out drafts of each section, researching layout options on Shutterfly. I guarantee the home study report will be submitted and our infant care classes completed before I finish the profile. I want to be very methodical and purposeful about the content because I want us to match with someone who feels a connection with us - the real us, not a stripped down/sanitized version of us. This is so exciting! We are SO close to be approved and waiting!!
May 07, 2015
Homestudy!!!
We have a social worker!!! I had just commented to my friend that I was hoping to have been contacted by our social worker by now, but I didn't want to bug our agency about it - and then lo and behold, I got a phone call on my lunch break from our social worker! And even better than that, she had room in her schedule to come see us next Thursday which is a day both M and I were taking as vacation from work anyway! (because we are seeing a live show Wed night).
We have our first homestudy visit in exactly 1 week!! I am so excited!!!
And you'd think I'd be freaking out because OMG homestudy, must clean like Jesus is coming to dinner! But actually, no, I'm totally cool about it. I'm going to vacuum all the rooms really well, dust (which is something I do about once a year), and make sure the kitchen and bathrooms are cleaned, but I am not going to go crazy and wash all the windows or anything. Just normal clean, not second coming of Christ clean.
So I really think we are going to be approved and waiting by mid- to late summer! Isn't that crazy?? We could be matched by the end of the year! Or not, but I guess there's no way of knowing. I will just be grateful when there is nothing left for us to do but wait for a phone call :-)
We have our first homestudy visit in exactly 1 week!! I am so excited!!!
And you'd think I'd be freaking out because OMG homestudy, must clean like Jesus is coming to dinner! But actually, no, I'm totally cool about it. I'm going to vacuum all the rooms really well, dust (which is something I do about once a year), and make sure the kitchen and bathrooms are cleaned, but I am not going to go crazy and wash all the windows or anything. Just normal clean, not second coming of Christ clean.
So I really think we are going to be approved and waiting by mid- to late summer! Isn't that crazy?? We could be matched by the end of the year! Or not, but I guess there's no way of knowing. I will just be grateful when there is nothing left for us to do but wait for a phone call :-)
April 24, 2015
Meditating on Loss
"A child born to another woman calls me 'Mommy'. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me." - Jody Landers
I keep coming back around to the thought that our joy will be at the expense of someone else's loss. It is surreal to know that somewhere in this state, there is a woman who, in a few months or a year, is going to find out she is unexpectedly pregnant. And that crisis, coupled with conditions unknown, will cause her to seek out options.
I mean...think about it! Very few situations in life put us in the position of praying for someone else's loss. The only other one I can come up with right now is war. You pray for the other side to lose and that probably realistically means they will sustain more casualties.
And then, there is the other loss that can occur. Our loss. We might match with an expectant mother only to have her choose at some point to parent rather than to place. Which is entirely her right, her decision, and we will have to respect it. But how to manage the pain and sorrow we feel with the understanding that we essentially feel bad that a child is *not* losing their first family, their biological identity. How can you mourn that? I guess we have to figure out how to rejoice in what is retained for that child, while grieving for the loss of our own hopes and dreams, however inexplicable. If we have a failed match, I pray it happens early on. A failed match at the time of placement would be...like a death.
I think I keep coming back around to this because it is useful to keep things in perspective. If I am deeply conscious of the *loss* involved in adoption, then I pray I can honor the birth parents in a meaningful way. I pray it will give me more than sweet sounding words for my child whose first life experience will be losing the only familiar person to them. It's not just a sad idea to be ignored, it is the reality of the situation.
Somewhere out there, right now, is a woman who has no idea the trajectory of her near future. A woman who God might lead to M and I. That pain, and crisis, and loss can be the foundation of a healthy life is so baffling.
I keep coming back around to the thought that our joy will be at the expense of someone else's loss. It is surreal to know that somewhere in this state, there is a woman who, in a few months or a year, is going to find out she is unexpectedly pregnant. And that crisis, coupled with conditions unknown, will cause her to seek out options.
I mean...think about it! Very few situations in life put us in the position of praying for someone else's loss. The only other one I can come up with right now is war. You pray for the other side to lose and that probably realistically means they will sustain more casualties.
And then, there is the other loss that can occur. Our loss. We might match with an expectant mother only to have her choose at some point to parent rather than to place. Which is entirely her right, her decision, and we will have to respect it. But how to manage the pain and sorrow we feel with the understanding that we essentially feel bad that a child is *not* losing their first family, their biological identity. How can you mourn that? I guess we have to figure out how to rejoice in what is retained for that child, while grieving for the loss of our own hopes and dreams, however inexplicable. If we have a failed match, I pray it happens early on. A failed match at the time of placement would be...like a death.
I think I keep coming back around to this because it is useful to keep things in perspective. If I am deeply conscious of the *loss* involved in adoption, then I pray I can honor the birth parents in a meaningful way. I pray it will give me more than sweet sounding words for my child whose first life experience will be losing the only familiar person to them. It's not just a sad idea to be ignored, it is the reality of the situation.
Somewhere out there, right now, is a woman who has no idea the trajectory of her near future. A woman who God might lead to M and I. That pain, and crisis, and loss can be the foundation of a healthy life is so baffling.
April 16, 2015
It Won't Be Long Now
Being a task oriented person, there is nothing I love more than to check off items on a long "To-Do" list. We have finished our adoption classes! CHECK! We finally got fingerprinted! CHECK! The last few papers required before our homestudy are printed and signed! CHECK!
Tomorrow, I'll mail a fat manila envelope to our agency and we should soon be assigned to a social worker for our in-home interviews :-D That is crazy exciting! My fingers are crossed that by the end of the summer, we will officially be waiting to be matched.
I even started an outline for our profile book after reading about 27 articles on what to say and what not to say. I took some time at my sister's house to scroll through 3 years of photos she has on her computer to pull out potential pictures for the profile. I still need to look through what my mom has on her computer. Writing the profile doesn't feel quite so terrifying now, but it is still a *major* task to accomplish.
We are also very nearly done saving up for the bulk of the adoption expenses - the big stuff that requires us to write a check for several thousands of dollars at once. The little stuff (Ha! Listen to me, "little stuff" - cause $400 ain't no thang, LOL! In adoption expenses it isn't.) we are paying for out of our regular budget because I know we can absorb those costs and adjust for them by eating out less or planning cheap meals for a week, etc. I double checked our savings against the fee schedule outlined by our agency and we are so close! Of course, there may be additional, unplanned for costs, such as renewing our homestudy or paying for 2 sets of birthmother expenses if we have a match fall through. But we will have time to save up those funds again if it comes to that and I have decided to think positive.
In a few weekends we will take our CPR certification and then in June we have "infant care" classes. The items checked off the mile long list of things to do are quickly outnumbering the unchecked tasks. At times it felt like we would never get to this point. Can I throw a party when we are officially a "waiting couple"? Because I think we will deserve a party after 6 months of hard work :-D
Tomorrow, I'll mail a fat manila envelope to our agency and we should soon be assigned to a social worker for our in-home interviews :-D That is crazy exciting! My fingers are crossed that by the end of the summer, we will officially be waiting to be matched.
I even started an outline for our profile book after reading about 27 articles on what to say and what not to say. I took some time at my sister's house to scroll through 3 years of photos she has on her computer to pull out potential pictures for the profile. I still need to look through what my mom has on her computer. Writing the profile doesn't feel quite so terrifying now, but it is still a *major* task to accomplish.
We are also very nearly done saving up for the bulk of the adoption expenses - the big stuff that requires us to write a check for several thousands of dollars at once. The little stuff (Ha! Listen to me, "little stuff" - cause $400 ain't no thang, LOL! In adoption expenses it isn't.) we are paying for out of our regular budget because I know we can absorb those costs and adjust for them by eating out less or planning cheap meals for a week, etc. I double checked our savings against the fee schedule outlined by our agency and we are so close! Of course, there may be additional, unplanned for costs, such as renewing our homestudy or paying for 2 sets of birthmother expenses if we have a match fall through. But we will have time to save up those funds again if it comes to that and I have decided to think positive.
In a few weekends we will take our CPR certification and then in June we have "infant care" classes. The items checked off the mile long list of things to do are quickly outnumbering the unchecked tasks. At times it felt like we would never get to this point. Can I throw a party when we are officially a "waiting couple"? Because I think we will deserve a party after 6 months of hard work :-D
March 05, 2015
I Calmed Down, I Promise
I feel bad for leaving up such an angry post for so long with no follow up. I always have a very strong initial reaction to change (whether good or bad) and I always calm down and move on, even if it isn't obvious in my blog posts ::knowing smile::
The car situation actually worked our really well - the best it possibly could. We made a smaller down-payment than we had planned at first, and that meant we didn't have to "steal" money from the pursuit of our future baby. We also got an AMAZING interest rate on our loan (thank you, Daddy, for teaching me about managing my money). So our monthly payments are within our comfort zone. Saving will be slowed, but it's not the end of the world.
God had to get in an extra little dig about me not trusting Him, though. My mother-in-law has committed to helping us save for the adoption expenses by using some of her inheritance from her aunt. Her aunt was more of a second mother for her (especially after her mother passed away), and MIL took care of her aunt for years after she developed Alzheimer's. She was the most devoted niece I know of and has well earned her inheritance. I told her she didn't have to give us one red cent, but she is very certain this is what she wants. See how I really need to learn to just trust in God's plan?
We still have a lot of saving to do, this process is just so darn expensive. But I'm so grateful that the necessity of a new car wasn't the huge, devastating set-back I worried it might be. We are so incredibly blessed through our family and friends who are being just amazingly supportive. I could never put in words how lucky and thankful I am.
Also - Adoption classes have started! And we need to finish our paperwork STAT! So much to do before we can be approved as prospective adoptive parents, but nothing is scaring me as much as "The Profile". You know, the self-designed, autobiographical scrap book that all agencies show to their expectant mothers? Like, no pressure or anything, just sell yourselves as parents! O.O I am completely terrified of this project. And we can't be presented to expectant mothers without it...
Anyone have advice for how to get through it without editing, re-editing, re-re-editing, starting over from scratch, and generally making myself insane?
The car situation actually worked our really well - the best it possibly could. We made a smaller down-payment than we had planned at first, and that meant we didn't have to "steal" money from the pursuit of our future baby. We also got an AMAZING interest rate on our loan (thank you, Daddy, for teaching me about managing my money). So our monthly payments are within our comfort zone. Saving will be slowed, but it's not the end of the world.
God had to get in an extra little dig about me not trusting Him, though. My mother-in-law has committed to helping us save for the adoption expenses by using some of her inheritance from her aunt. Her aunt was more of a second mother for her (especially after her mother passed away), and MIL took care of her aunt for years after she developed Alzheimer's. She was the most devoted niece I know of and has well earned her inheritance. I told her she didn't have to give us one red cent, but she is very certain this is what she wants. See how I really need to learn to just trust in God's plan?
We still have a lot of saving to do, this process is just so darn expensive. But I'm so grateful that the necessity of a new car wasn't the huge, devastating set-back I worried it might be. We are so incredibly blessed through our family and friends who are being just amazingly supportive. I could never put in words how lucky and thankful I am.
Also - Adoption classes have started! And we need to finish our paperwork STAT! So much to do before we can be approved as prospective adoptive parents, but nothing is scaring me as much as "The Profile". You know, the self-designed, autobiographical scrap book that all agencies show to their expectant mothers? Like, no pressure or anything, just sell yourselves as parents! O.O I am completely terrified of this project. And we can't be presented to expectant mothers without it...
Anyone have advice for how to get through it without editing, re-editing, re-re-editing, starting over from scratch, and generally making myself insane?
February 11, 2015
It Really Was Going Too Well
Fuck you universe. Fuck. You.
I think I have dealt admirably with everything life has thrown at me in 31 years. And I have learned to move on, to heal, to make do, and to find the good in truly shitty situations. And I have been so happy ever since M and I committed ourselves to adopting, no matter the pain that came before and which still lingers a little. We are planning, we are saving, we are staying positive.
So why are we being punished with a broken car? Hm? What fucking lesson am I still learning that necessitated this new problem? I have sucked it up and said "okay" to the outrageous idea that just because I can't squeeze out my own offspring, that it is justifiable I be saddled with a $30,000 price tag for having a family (heaven forbid we decide we want 2 kids!). And if that price is 100% necessary, why can’t I fucking catch a break in the rest of my life so that I don’t have to feel like I am choosing between a safe/reliable car for M or having a goddamn family? Not many people are “blessed” with that particular challenge. Lucky. Fucking. Us.
We *were* on track to be done saving after this year. We *were* going to be able to pursue adoption without digging ourselves into bedrock, financially. But no, that's just too good, too kind of God. Clearly we needed this journey to be HARDER, because dammit, it hasn't been enough of a challenge. We were finding *way* too much joy in this pursuit. It should break us. Then we might deserve to reach the other end of the rainbow.
It's not just the addition of a new monthly loan payment that upsets me, though that will drastically restrict our ability to save within our anticipated time-frame. Its that we will have to *take* money already saved and use it for this, instead of for our FUTURE CHILD.
I hate and despise everything today and there are no words to make it better. I will calm down, I have to for M's sake, but right now I get to be as fucking pissed off as I want because this is NOT FAIR.
I think I have dealt admirably with everything life has thrown at me in 31 years. And I have learned to move on, to heal, to make do, and to find the good in truly shitty situations. And I have been so happy ever since M and I committed ourselves to adopting, no matter the pain that came before and which still lingers a little. We are planning, we are saving, we are staying positive.
So why are we being punished with a broken car? Hm? What fucking lesson am I still learning that necessitated this new problem? I have sucked it up and said "okay" to the outrageous idea that just because I can't squeeze out my own offspring, that it is justifiable I be saddled with a $30,000 price tag for having a family (heaven forbid we decide we want 2 kids!). And if that price is 100% necessary, why can’t I fucking catch a break in the rest of my life so that I don’t have to feel like I am choosing between a safe/reliable car for M or having a goddamn family? Not many people are “blessed” with that particular challenge. Lucky. Fucking. Us.
We *were* on track to be done saving after this year. We *were* going to be able to pursue adoption without digging ourselves into bedrock, financially. But no, that's just too good, too kind of God. Clearly we needed this journey to be HARDER, because dammit, it hasn't been enough of a challenge. We were finding *way* too much joy in this pursuit. It should break us. Then we might deserve to reach the other end of the rainbow.
It's not just the addition of a new monthly loan payment that upsets me, though that will drastically restrict our ability to save within our anticipated time-frame. Its that we will have to *take* money already saved and use it for this, instead of for our FUTURE CHILD.
I hate and despise everything today and there are no words to make it better. I will calm down, I have to for M's sake, but right now I get to be as fucking pissed off as I want because this is NOT FAIR.
February 04, 2015
Real Progress!
I have made a lot of personal progress since Christmas: We announced our adoption plans to our greater circle of family and friends on Face.book just as we had mailed off our application to the Agency! It was exciting and scary at the same time. You never know what well-meaning but ultimately hurtful thing people might say. And after the years of infertility, I'm pretty tired of smiling through the hurt just to spare the other person's feelings. But it went *really* well and gave me courage to make the announcement at work as well. So now it is totally out there and I can stop having whisper conversations at my desk.
Shortly after we mailed out the first bit of paperwork (and the first of so many fees), we got a confirmation email and instructions to keep working on the rest of our paperwork while we wait for them to schedule classes. I started to get nervous that classes wouldn't happen until late March or into April. I'm really hoping that we will be waiting for our match by the end of the year (and I think that is a reasonable timeline, right?). Well, yesterday M called on his way to lunch and asked if I'd checked my non-work email yet because we got another message from the Agency: Classes are scheduled!!! They start the last week of February!!
I am so excited! For some reason, the paperwork part wasn't helping to make our adoption pursuit "real" for me, you know? Announcing it did help some. But in my mind, a lot of meaning is tied into the education classes. It will be really real. We will be making noticeable progress towards our end goal. We will meet other couples who we will hopefully become close with while we all wait and hope. We will have a community. This is all just so awesome!
The one thing that bummed me out a bit from the email was the news that we have to attend separate CPR and Infant Care classes. Meaning I have to go to a hospital course. Full of pregnant women. Just a little bit like my worst nightmare...
My sister gave me good advice for handling it, though. She said to remember that I don't know if any of those women have also struggled with infertility and maybe they are so excited because it finally worked - or maybe they are terrified because it finally worked, but they could still lose their baby. I will work hard to bear this in mind to temper my own emotions during the class.
Shortly after we mailed out the first bit of paperwork (and the first of so many fees), we got a confirmation email and instructions to keep working on the rest of our paperwork while we wait for them to schedule classes. I started to get nervous that classes wouldn't happen until late March or into April. I'm really hoping that we will be waiting for our match by the end of the year (and I think that is a reasonable timeline, right?). Well, yesterday M called on his way to lunch and asked if I'd checked my non-work email yet because we got another message from the Agency: Classes are scheduled!!! They start the last week of February!!
I am so excited! For some reason, the paperwork part wasn't helping to make our adoption pursuit "real" for me, you know? Announcing it did help some. But in my mind, a lot of meaning is tied into the education classes. It will be really real. We will be making noticeable progress towards our end goal. We will meet other couples who we will hopefully become close with while we all wait and hope. We will have a community. This is all just so awesome!
The one thing that bummed me out a bit from the email was the news that we have to attend separate CPR and Infant Care classes. Meaning I have to go to a hospital course. Full of pregnant women. Just a little bit like my worst nightmare...
My sister gave me good advice for handling it, though. She said to remember that I don't know if any of those women have also struggled with infertility and maybe they are so excited because it finally worked - or maybe they are terrified because it finally worked, but they could still lose their baby. I will work hard to bear this in mind to temper my own emotions during the class.
December 02, 2014
My Dreams of Clerical Work Have Come True!
Oh my, all of this adoption paperwork is so diverting and interesting! ....said no one ever. Still, it is something real and concrete that we are doing to work towards our baby. And that *is* interesting.
We have to have 4 references! And only one is allowed to be related to us! I don't know that many non-relatives whom I trust in that way. Well, okay, I do, but only just barely. Do they have to write a letter? Do an interview? I have no idea. Hopefully my pastor doesn't say anything stupid. He's a good man, but excels at opening his mouth and inserting his foot.
We actually knocked out a good 70-75% of the paperwork in one evening over the holiday weekend. We still need to have our family doctor sign off on a medical form and then there's the 19 question long autobiographical info sheet from the agency. With very simple questions like "Tell us about your childhood and adolescence" - Ok, where shall I start and how many extra sheets am I allowed to attach? *Really*?!?!? Oy, how to condense 15 years of military moves, diagnosing my brother's disability, and being so very poor? And that's just 1 out of 19 questions! Just wait for "How did you and your spouse meet? Describe your courtship" - Sure! You're going to get the cleaned up, PG version, since I doubt anyone wants to know the "we thought it was just about the sex until we realized we were crazy about each other" story. And we are both filling out the questionnaire separately, which means I might get M's back from him sometime in the next 4 years, if I badger him enough.
To keep my busy brain occupied while we do less than exciting paper-pushing, I have been thinking about how to announce our adoption process to friends and family. I don't want to wait the 2 or so years until we have a baby placed with us before we state publicly that we are adopting, but how to announce the *process* (the long, loooong *process*) when a baby is still so far off? I've been trying to think of something cute to say on Face.book, either with or without a picture. So far, the best I've come up with is "We're expecting!....Lots and lots of paperwork. We're adopting!"
Cheesy? Lame?
See, I'm never gonna get to do some cutsie pregnancy announcement, so this is the closest thing for me. We've got *way* better ideas for when we can announce a placement. We are big time geeks/nerds so I was trying to think of how to incorporate a video game or sci-fi show reference to the adoption process announcement. So far, my brain is failing me.
So, yeah, paperwork! Now to go try to answer a few more questions on the auto-bio form....
We have to have 4 references! And only one is allowed to be related to us! I don't know that many non-relatives whom I trust in that way. Well, okay, I do, but only just barely. Do they have to write a letter? Do an interview? I have no idea. Hopefully my pastor doesn't say anything stupid. He's a good man, but excels at opening his mouth and inserting his foot.
We actually knocked out a good 70-75% of the paperwork in one evening over the holiday weekend. We still need to have our family doctor sign off on a medical form and then there's the 19 question long autobiographical info sheet from the agency. With very simple questions like "Tell us about your childhood and adolescence" - Ok, where shall I start and how many extra sheets am I allowed to attach? *Really*?!?!? Oy, how to condense 15 years of military moves, diagnosing my brother's disability, and being so very poor? And that's just 1 out of 19 questions! Just wait for "How did you and your spouse meet? Describe your courtship" - Sure! You're going to get the cleaned up, PG version, since I doubt anyone wants to know the "we thought it was just about the sex until we realized we were crazy about each other" story. And we are both filling out the questionnaire separately, which means I might get M's back from him sometime in the next 4 years, if I badger him enough.
To keep my busy brain occupied while we do less than exciting paper-pushing, I have been thinking about how to announce our adoption process to friends and family. I don't want to wait the 2 or so years until we have a baby placed with us before we state publicly that we are adopting, but how to announce the *process* (the long, loooong *process*) when a baby is still so far off? I've been trying to think of something cute to say on Face.book, either with or without a picture. So far, the best I've come up with is "We're expecting!....Lots and lots of paperwork. We're adopting!"
Cheesy? Lame?
See, I'm never gonna get to do some cutsie pregnancy announcement, so this is the closest thing for me. We've got *way* better ideas for when we can announce a placement. We are big time geeks/nerds so I was trying to think of how to incorporate a video game or sci-fi show reference to the adoption process announcement. So far, my brain is failing me.
So, yeah, paperwork! Now to go try to answer a few more questions on the auto-bio form....
November 26, 2014
3rd Agency Visit
Wow.
Wow....
It is 18 hours later and I still feel a little tongue tied over our phone interview with the Agency in City B. I was never 100% on board with them based on the literature they provide and their website, but everywhere I looked I saw glowing reviews for them. So I added them to our short list of agencies to interview.
This was an...interesting experience. If I had not done so much research and soul searching ahead of time, and if we hadn't already interviewed 2 other agencies, our reactions might have been different. But as it was, there was red flag after red flag and M cut the call short with a slashing gesture across his throat. When M voices an opinion, you know its important.
First off, I asked about expectant mother counseling. The woman, let's call her Marge, went on a brief soapbox about how no agency should be telling us that they "counsel the birth mother" because an adoption agency has a vested interest in getting the woman to place her baby. I'm thinking "Okaaaay, on one hand I see what you are saying and on the other hand No, a good agency with good social workers will still counsel a woman about *all* her options, including parenting, even though they have a 'vested interest'". Then she went on to make the blanket statement that "Birth mothers don't want counseling, they come to us for the support services we can offer." Okay, Marge, tell me about the support services you offer - none of which includes advising her of the services available should she choose to parent.
Then I asked about their adoption education classes. I had already read on the website that their education is just internet courses, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing some in-person aspect of it. Nope, Marge informed me that they "used to sporadically host in-person classes" but its just a bunch of online resources now. You send in your paperwork, do the home-study - the online courses make the whole process so much faster. Yeah....because faster is important...not, say, thorough education...
The final straw for both M and I was when I asked about Birth Mother expenses. In our state it is legal for a birth mother to request up to $3K in living expenses once she is matched with a family. I had read a lot about this on the internet and how some people feel it creates an ethical and moral gray area: Does this money compel the mothers to place out of a sense of debt or guilt? Is it made perfectly clear that this money is not some twisted *payment* for their baby? You can see how things might get dicey. The other two agencies made us feel much more at ease about the birth mother expenses because it is not immediately dispensed as one lump sum to a woman whether she brings up a need or not. The agency handles the money and if a birth mother mentions expenses she needs help covering (generally food, rent, cell phone, etc.) then the agency will use the money to provide her gift cards or they will direct pay bills for her. Almost never do they just hand cash over to a woman - again, because of the moral/ethical grey area. And they might not need the full $3K, they only use what is asked for. Well, Marge informs us that it is written in their info brochure that you provide $1000 to the birth mother up front when matched and that the remaining $2K is provided to her after placement...So, you know, she can feel free to walk away thinking that we just fucking *bought* her *baby*! Talk about incentivising placement! Yikes!
I was alarmed at the way Marge glossed over the needs of the birth mother. More alarming was the fact she said they are in need of adoptive families - that they currently have 2 expectant mothers for every 1 waiting family. Como what? Is it because the process is quick for them too? No need to soul search about what is the best decision for your baby; just come to us and in the end you get $3000 cash for your trouble? Is it because, without counseling, they fail to weed out the expectant mothers who are more likely to parent - thus leaving a match to fall through only once the baby is born? O_O
Obviously, there are many people (adoptive parents) who are perfectly happy with the way this agency runs. It gets straight to the point - fill out your paperwork, do homestudy, pay money, get baby - quickly. But a *faster* adoption process doesn't make it a *better* adoption process. Had we not educated ourselves ahead of time, this agency might have sounded really good, because how can you turn down an easier, faster adoption? I am so thankful that we already knew what we wanted out of an agency and an adoption, that we were clear on what was important to us.
So, oddly enough, a decision that I thought would be gut-wrenchingly difficult to make became quite easy. We felt the most comfortable with the Agency in City A and we feel confident about moving forward with them. I am printing the initial paperwork from their website today for M and I to go over on the holiday weekend.
Holy shit.
We're going to adopt!!
Wow....
It is 18 hours later and I still feel a little tongue tied over our phone interview with the Agency in City B. I was never 100% on board with them based on the literature they provide and their website, but everywhere I looked I saw glowing reviews for them. So I added them to our short list of agencies to interview.
This was an...interesting experience. If I had not done so much research and soul searching ahead of time, and if we hadn't already interviewed 2 other agencies, our reactions might have been different. But as it was, there was red flag after red flag and M cut the call short with a slashing gesture across his throat. When M voices an opinion, you know its important.
First off, I asked about expectant mother counseling. The woman, let's call her Marge, went on a brief soapbox about how no agency should be telling us that they "counsel the birth mother" because an adoption agency has a vested interest in getting the woman to place her baby. I'm thinking "Okaaaay, on one hand I see what you are saying and on the other hand No, a good agency with good social workers will still counsel a woman about *all* her options, including parenting, even though they have a 'vested interest'". Then she went on to make the blanket statement that "Birth mothers don't want counseling, they come to us for the support services we can offer." Okay, Marge, tell me about the support services you offer - none of which includes advising her of the services available should she choose to parent.
Then I asked about their adoption education classes. I had already read on the website that their education is just internet courses, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't missing some in-person aspect of it. Nope, Marge informed me that they "used to sporadically host in-person classes" but its just a bunch of online resources now. You send in your paperwork, do the home-study - the online courses make the whole process so much faster. Yeah....because faster is important...not, say, thorough education...
The final straw for both M and I was when I asked about Birth Mother expenses. In our state it is legal for a birth mother to request up to $3K in living expenses once she is matched with a family. I had read a lot about this on the internet and how some people feel it creates an ethical and moral gray area: Does this money compel the mothers to place out of a sense of debt or guilt? Is it made perfectly clear that this money is not some twisted *payment* for their baby? You can see how things might get dicey. The other two agencies made us feel much more at ease about the birth mother expenses because it is not immediately dispensed as one lump sum to a woman whether she brings up a need or not. The agency handles the money and if a birth mother mentions expenses she needs help covering (generally food, rent, cell phone, etc.) then the agency will use the money to provide her gift cards or they will direct pay bills for her. Almost never do they just hand cash over to a woman - again, because of the moral/ethical grey area. And they might not need the full $3K, they only use what is asked for. Well, Marge informs us that it is written in their info brochure that you provide $1000 to the birth mother up front when matched and that the remaining $2K is provided to her after placement...So, you know, she can feel free to walk away thinking that we just fucking *bought* her *baby*! Talk about incentivising placement! Yikes!
I was alarmed at the way Marge glossed over the needs of the birth mother. More alarming was the fact she said they are in need of adoptive families - that they currently have 2 expectant mothers for every 1 waiting family. Como what? Is it because the process is quick for them too? No need to soul search about what is the best decision for your baby; just come to us and in the end you get $3000 cash for your trouble? Is it because, without counseling, they fail to weed out the expectant mothers who are more likely to parent - thus leaving a match to fall through only once the baby is born? O_O
Obviously, there are many people (adoptive parents) who are perfectly happy with the way this agency runs. It gets straight to the point - fill out your paperwork, do homestudy, pay money, get baby - quickly. But a *faster* adoption process doesn't make it a *better* adoption process. Had we not educated ourselves ahead of time, this agency might have sounded really good, because how can you turn down an easier, faster adoption? I am so thankful that we already knew what we wanted out of an agency and an adoption, that we were clear on what was important to us.
So, oddly enough, a decision that I thought would be gut-wrenchingly difficult to make became quite easy. We felt the most comfortable with the Agency in City A and we feel confident about moving forward with them. I am printing the initial paperwork from their website today for M and I to go over on the holiday weekend.
Holy shit.
We're going to adopt!!
November 25, 2014
The Healing Power of Hope
Hope was my enemy for so long while I struggled with infertility. Hope made me excited each new cycle, even at the end when I knew in my soul it wasn't working. Hope made me sob buckets, enough for a river, with each BFN. Hope was indestructible, no matter how hard I tried to squash it down in a tiny box, hidden at the back of mind to protect myself from the hurt it caused. There were days I wished for nothing more than to have no hope, so that I could give up and have some peace. Hope was the boogie man under my bed that terrorized me for 4 painful years.
Imagine my surprise when I experienced a new lightness of being by talking about our someday adopted child with M. I am becoming more comfortable speaking in definitives - instead of "if we ever turn the craft room into a nursery" I can say "when we probably turn the craft room into a nursery". And it doesn't hurt! I don't feel soul crushing agony when I consider how our daily routines will be altered by the presence of a child. Hope, it appears, can heal as much as hurt. And maybe, *hopefully* (get it?), I have turned a corner where hope and I can be friends instead of enemies; where I can feel safe thinking about the eventuality of our growing family without cursing myself in the same moment.
And I never knew how restorative and *wonderful* that could feel.
Imagine my surprise when I experienced a new lightness of being by talking about our someday adopted child with M. I am becoming more comfortable speaking in definitives - instead of "if we ever turn the craft room into a nursery" I can say "when we probably turn the craft room into a nursery". And it doesn't hurt! I don't feel soul crushing agony when I consider how our daily routines will be altered by the presence of a child. Hope, it appears, can heal as much as hurt. And maybe, *hopefully* (get it?), I have turned a corner where hope and I can be friends instead of enemies; where I can feel safe thinking about the eventuality of our growing family without cursing myself in the same moment.
And I never knew how restorative and *wonderful* that could feel.
November 24, 2014
Losses Yet to be Mourned
I have worked hard to educate myself and M about the unique experiences we will have with adoption, the losses we are and will experience. I don't want to be blindsided by some unexplored grief when I should be busy encouraging attachment with my new little one. Here is a list of a few losses I've thought of that may cause us pain even in our joy of adoption:
A child who looks like M and I - Since we started trying to get pregnant almost 4 years ago, I have asked myself how I would feel raising a child that bore no resemblance to us. Did I want a child so I could see M's eyes and my hair? Was that my main motivation for having a baby? I have spent a lot of time over the past year doing soul searching and making sure I am comfortable with our child looking nothing like us, but I know in my heart of hearts that I can't truly mourn that loss until it is made manifest in whatever child we end up adopting. I hope, though, that I have prepared myself as much as possible.
Breastfeeding - I feel very conflicted about this topic. On one hand, I would be very sad to not be able to breastfeed my child because I do feel it is best for them and is an opportunity for so much comfort and attachment. On the other hand, it is possible to breastfeed your adopted child- but I don't know if I could go through the artificial stimulation and then the social reaction to me breastfeeding my trans-racially adopted child (if that ended up being our situation). Am I allowed to be sad about something that I did sort of have a choice over and chose not to pursue?
Naming rights - "Alice Clara Belle". I have never told a soul that name. That is the name that I chose for our now never-to-be biological daughter. I had that name picked out for about 2 years, back when I was so sure we could still have a baby. It is a first name of Germanic origin (both M and I have German heritage, among others) and a middle name from my maternal grandmother's first name. I never told my grandma that I had wanted to use her name - I was afraid to raise her hopes when we might not get pregnant. Now she has died and I can never tell her, though I guess it hardly matters since I won't ever have a biological daughter. I thought briefly about hanging onto this name for an adopted daughter, but it feels wrong somehow. This was a name specially chosen for a child that would share our heritage. With an adopted child, we will have so many new considerations: the wishes of the birth family, the heritage of the birth family, and just the way a name can "fit" a child. And I feel wrong about saddling a trans-racially adopted child with such a "white" name, if that makes any sense at all. Still, I'm sad over the loss of this choice. The loss of heritage. The loss of carrying on a family name. I mourn these things now and I will continue to grieve when a baby is placed in my arms.
A purely joyful beginning of life - I will write on this more in another post, but there is sadness and loss in the very first days of an adopted person's life. Loss of their biological connection. Loss of the only familiar person. Our child's homecoming will be bittersweet and there is nothing I can do but accept it and grieve with them. This is something no biological family need do, but is critical for an adopted family. The loss is real, even for a tiny infant. *I* am a stranger and "mother" is the woman they are not with. With time, that will change, but it is still something I will have to grieve right along side my baby.
Adoption is such an emotional journey - one that lasts for the lifetime of the adopted person. I am trying to learn and adjust, and to stretch my heart to make room for all the feelings, good and bad, which are to come. I pray that by doing this, I can see with clear eyes and do what is right by my child, and not just what I think is best for myself and M.
A child who looks like M and I - Since we started trying to get pregnant almost 4 years ago, I have asked myself how I would feel raising a child that bore no resemblance to us. Did I want a child so I could see M's eyes and my hair? Was that my main motivation for having a baby? I have spent a lot of time over the past year doing soul searching and making sure I am comfortable with our child looking nothing like us, but I know in my heart of hearts that I can't truly mourn that loss until it is made manifest in whatever child we end up adopting. I hope, though, that I have prepared myself as much as possible.
Breastfeeding - I feel very conflicted about this topic. On one hand, I would be very sad to not be able to breastfeed my child because I do feel it is best for them and is an opportunity for so much comfort and attachment. On the other hand, it is possible to breastfeed your adopted child- but I don't know if I could go through the artificial stimulation and then the social reaction to me breastfeeding my trans-racially adopted child (if that ended up being our situation). Am I allowed to be sad about something that I did sort of have a choice over and chose not to pursue?
Naming rights - "Alice Clara Belle". I have never told a soul that name. That is the name that I chose for our now never-to-be biological daughter. I had that name picked out for about 2 years, back when I was so sure we could still have a baby. It is a first name of Germanic origin (both M and I have German heritage, among others) and a middle name from my maternal grandmother's first name. I never told my grandma that I had wanted to use her name - I was afraid to raise her hopes when we might not get pregnant. Now she has died and I can never tell her, though I guess it hardly matters since I won't ever have a biological daughter. I thought briefly about hanging onto this name for an adopted daughter, but it feels wrong somehow. This was a name specially chosen for a child that would share our heritage. With an adopted child, we will have so many new considerations: the wishes of the birth family, the heritage of the birth family, and just the way a name can "fit" a child. And I feel wrong about saddling a trans-racially adopted child with such a "white" name, if that makes any sense at all. Still, I'm sad over the loss of this choice. The loss of heritage. The loss of carrying on a family name. I mourn these things now and I will continue to grieve when a baby is placed in my arms.
A purely joyful beginning of life - I will write on this more in another post, but there is sadness and loss in the very first days of an adopted person's life. Loss of their biological connection. Loss of the only familiar person. Our child's homecoming will be bittersweet and there is nothing I can do but accept it and grieve with them. This is something no biological family need do, but is critical for an adopted family. The loss is real, even for a tiny infant. *I* am a stranger and "mother" is the woman they are not with. With time, that will change, but it is still something I will have to grieve right along side my baby.
Adoption is such an emotional journey - one that lasts for the lifetime of the adopted person. I am trying to learn and adjust, and to stretch my heart to make room for all the feelings, good and bad, which are to come. I pray that by doing this, I can see with clear eyes and do what is right by my child, and not just what I think is best for myself and M.
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