People really should not attempt to communicate with me in a meaningful way before I've had my coffee, as a general rule. But an early appointment and lack of coffee were unavoidable this morning, so my brain was very hazy as the Guru talked at me after my ultrasound. Ovaries and Uterus are doing fine, behaving themselves while still denying me a baby, whatever. The Guru went over this cycle's protocol with me and reminded me we could do this same thing for another IUI before moving on to something else. I assured him that Dr. B and I have been talking and after Femera+Ovidrel and IUI there's no where else to go really other than IVF, and that's my line in the sand.
I spoke very simply and matter-of-fact-ly about all this. The Guru still gave me a canned speech about success rates with IVF and how its between 80 and 90% when you include one FET after an initial fresh IVF cycle, blah blah blah. I know they think they are being helpful, but seriously - do they think I am making my decision lightly? Without having done tons of reading and discussing and weighing of costs and benefits? It took me 6 *months* to buy a car after mine was unceremoniously totaled. I do not make my choices in life lightly.
So I kind of mentally checked out (more than I already was from the lack of caffeine) while he nattered on about statistics and such. Then he went into a small tangent about some other supposed "options" I had besides IVF. Now, my ears perked a bit, but I just couldn't get the gears in my brain to turn fast enough to *really* follow what he was saying. Something about continuing IUIs but adding other meds on top of Femara and a trigger. Things like sterioids and androgen blockers and honest to God that's all I can remember. But this is the first I am hearing of these "personalized" protocols and I don't know how to feel about it. I'm a little annoyed - why has this never been mentioned before?? I'm a little apathetic - who cares, I made up my mind that this is it a long time ago. I'm a little confused - does this change the plan? Does it change how I feel about giving up on modern medicine for procreation?
And the answer is the same for every emotion and question: I don't know. I don't even want to more deeply consider these thoughts at the moment because the rumination may be pointless in the end. If I have strong emotional reactions to the drugs again, then I know in my bones I will be done after this cycle. I'm tired of my entire world turning into a house of horrors for 30 days at a time. I wish there was a female doctor in the practice because I wonder if she would be more understanding when I say "An 80% success rate at what cost to my mental health?". These men have never *taken* the drugs they prescribe. They observe, but do not personally *know* the way the drugs mess with your head and make it feel like a Dementor straight out of Harry Potter is following you everywhere. I won't spend more years of my life chasing the next cycle, the next protocol.
Anyway, the outline for the month is as follows: Femara CD3-7, trigger around CD14, IUI around CD16, wait 2 weeks, wash, rinse, repeat. Cheers.