When Enough is Enough

I have been debating the end of the line for a long time now (obviously). I think halfway through my cycle in March is when I really started to let go and grieve for the biological child(ren) I will never have. Which is an awkward mental position to be in when you know you intend on doing a couple more medicated cycles. Mental gymnastics is not new to anyone this far down the IF road, though.

The *when* and the *how* of moving on is tricky, unfortunately. I had a sort of self-made road block in the form of stopping before IVF. I didn't always know IVF was too much for me, but I figured it out before it became my only option, which is good. And it felt like that decision made life less chaotic. I knew exactly when I would stop TTC: when IVF became my only real option. However, I didn't consider whether I could make it to that critical point. I guess I didn't think the well of my emotional fortitude would run dry in advance of the so-called "end".

So I've kicked around these thoughts - ruminated on them to see how they taste. And finally, after finding my footing, I brought the issue up with M. He never expresses much of an opinion on the topic of our IF struggle and if/how we will have kids. I don't know if its because he doesn't want me to feel pressured by his opinions or if its because he could be happy no matter what happens - his reasoning is something he discusses even less often than his opinions. I asked him how he would feel if I went back on birth control and all my other pre-TTC meds. He said that he would respect my choice, that medicated cycles are much, much harder on me than on him, but he does not feel ready to quit. I asked how much more was he wanting to do. He would like to finish out the IUIs we had planned on doing this year.

I'm glad he said that, in a way. Just *thinking* about doing 2 IUIs before the end of the year conjured up a million different negative emotions and images for me. I officially have no good or positive feelings left about TTC; at least, not TTC in the way that we have to do it. My mind cannot think or focus on the hopeful, positive outcome - it only dwells on the inevitable and the fact that I sign my happiness away for 30 days. For nothing. For more of the same: B.F.N (emphasis on the F). And I'm sick of all that sadness being the ghost at the party for any special occasions that happen to fall within those 30 days. I could only think of 1 month that would not be an emotional land-mine field if we did a cycle: August. That's it.

I explained all this to M and we came to a compromise. One more IUI, in August of course. He says that last cycle will be enough to give him closure on this phase of our lives and then we can move forward into whatever comes next. For me, that will involve continuing to help my family navigate the new and scary reality of my mom in a wheelchair and slowly researching adoption. I will not make any decisions until I know for absolute certain how M feels about adoption. I think I could be fine no matter what we choose to do after ending TTC. Life is full just as it is, there is no gaping hole for a child to fill, and that's never been why I wanted a child in the first place.

I'm sorry my posts have been very scant recently. There is so much going on in my family and my life and none of it particularly relating to infertility. I try to keep this blog focused on my broken lady parts and hypothetical children. If anyone is still out there, I appreciate you sticking around. I do follow all your stories, just being derelict in my commenting duties. Some day I will get back to business as usual - pinky swear!