June 20, 2012

Answers and Moving Forward

My IF journey seems mirrored in my husband's job hunt. So many hopes and dreams - so much we did right. And yet so much that we have no control over, no matter how much it vexes us.

The dreaded rejection email came from the position at my university. To say that M is upset is a grave understatement. I was pretty much expecting this outcome when the last thing we heard was they should be scheduling interviews. After a week of no phone calls, I knew it did not mean good things. It still sucks.

I've taken it in stride and its whatever, you know? Nothing we can do but move onto the next thing. But then, I've been learning this lesson for a year and half now with IF; I'm used to it. M is just beginning this journey. And its so hard to watch someone you love having to learn the same lessons you have. I *know* how hard it is, I *know* how much it hurts and how much you just want to scream at God "WHAT AM I DOING WRONG???"

M is very good at getting into a mood and stubbornly staying there. He's also very good at blaming himself for things that could not possibly be his fault. I still try to find ways to be supportive and shore up his self esteem. Mostly these things don't seem to affect him, but all I can do is try. I feel....grateful(?) that I was given my own monumental struggle so that I could be in a position of compassion and empathy for him - that's my job as his wife, to stand next to him and weather the storm too. He's done it for me this whole time with IF and now I can try to return the favor.

I know things won't always be like this and when you least expect it, something turns up. Heck, that's how M and I got together, just when I was feeling that I'd never find the right guy. But in the moment, when you are living every day with the wondering and the waiting, its so hard to keep in mind this time is a blip on the radar. It doesn't feel like a blip, it feels like life has ground to a halt and everything is stagnant. We feel like we're waiting for life to get moving again when really we should be living the life that is around us right now. A job will come, a house will come, children or more pets will come. For now, we just have to live the life we have, pray, and be patient.

4 comments:

  1. I'm sorry. That really sucks. The academic job market - especially the last few years - has been really hard. It's an unlucky time to be searching for a job. I hope things turn around soon.

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  2. Sorry the job did not pan out. :(

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  3. I'm so sorry. Comparing IF stuff to job hunting is so apt. So much rides on each, so many hopes and dreams. Your last paragraph describes it so well.

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  4. Ughh...sorry nothing seems to be going your way right now...hoping for lots of good things to come SOON!!!

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