September 24, 2012

Infertility Continues to be Cruel

Am I crazy, or just *very* empathetic, for literally crying when I heard the news? I don't care who or what it is affecting, the injustice of infertility makes my heart cry out for them all: "How long, oh Lord, how long??"

My ten year high school reunion was this past weekend. I remember thinking I had plenty of time to get big and pregnant for this ridiculous social event. Cute, huh?

Fortunately there's weren't too many bellies to avoid, and none of my close high school friends are pregnant, so I got rather lucky. I can't help wondering what the 20 year reunion will be like...

One of my girlfriends flew in from New York for the event. We keep up on Facebook, but don't actually have full conversations often. She talked about wanting to get married and hoping her boyfriend of 3 years will finally *finally* propose. She has given him a bit of an ultimatum and described how she sees two futures in front of her: one where he proposes and they can move forward with their lives together - the other where she has to leave him because she's not willing to wait forever. She said its weird living as though both of those futures are true simultaneously.

Don't I know it. I live everyday walking the weird line between a future with children (more likely *child*) and a future without them. I simply don't know which one will come to be, so I have to live and prepare for them both at the same time. It is difficult, but I try to remind myself frequently that no matter what happens *I will be okay*. In this one small respect I guess my faith has grown. I trust God to put me on the path I need to be on and to make me able to handle whatever happens on that path in regards to children.

I'm not sure if there will be a cycle in October. Friday AF showed up much later than she normally would and I completely forgot to call the RE's office to leave a message for an ultrasound. Today is CD4 and I left a message this morning asking about it. I don't know if they will squeeze me in on CD5 and start my meds same day, or if they'll just tell me to sit out a cycle due to bad timing.

At the moment I don't really care. I'm in a terrible mood, work is not helping, and I am so sad that M and I may have to walk away from our dream house because it needs a roof. We submit the post-inspection paperwork to the sellers today and they could take up to 8 days to get back to us. I've gotten a lot better at dealing with disappointment, but it still sucks. We'll just have to see what happens...


  1. Ugh. Buying a house is such a pain! We had to jump through so many ridiculous hoops before we could close on our own home. I'm so sorry for this added stress in your life!

    And I'm trying to have the same blind faith in God -- to just trust that I will be given the strength I need, come what may. It's not easy, but I hope it's worth it in the end.

    Here's hoping your RE can make room for you so that you don't have to sit this month out! ~ hugs ~

  2. Oh, no! I hope that they will cover the costs of the roof! I also hope you can get in for an ultrasound. Those things only take five minutes. Hopefully they can get you in!

  3. I was way too saddened by the baby panda, too. All I can think of is the momma panda and how she feels. Oh my goodness, it's ridiculous how much I've thought about this!!

  4. Oh my - can't even click on the news link because I hovered and saw the description. Combine a cute fuzzy bear and infertility and I may have a full tilt boogie nervous breakdown.

    It's actually helpful for me to kind of think of my single friends that aren't married yet, aren't sure they ever will be... Because I think 1) better make your life as interesting as humanly possibly if it doesn't happen and 2) you could wake up tomorrow, turn a corner, and then BOOM it all changes. Which, of course, makes me think I should be thinking those things at myself, too.

  5. I so feel ya, girl! Home ownership can be a major pain in the tail end!