After a year and 9 months of this bullshit, I am finally becoming numb to the monthly BFN. It helps that I have figured out the warning sign my body gives me before AF arrives. I always always spot a few days in advance. In more naive times, I would obsessively scour the internet for "proof" that spotting did not necessarily count me out for a BFP. And honestly, you can search for anything online and find "proof". I could probably google "Exercising causes growth of third eye" and would get some hits. But the fact of the matter is, even if *other* women may spot and still get a BFP, I never have. And I have come to accept what the truth is for me personally.
That's hard to do, isn't it? Millions of women get pregnant everyday and we all hear plenty of "helpful" anecdotal advice from some one else's personal experience. But that's *their* experience. *Their* body. Not mine.
Now that I am well and truly over the fact that I will not be a young mother like my mother was, I feel like I could do this kind of forever. I'm not exactly emotionally invested in every cycle the way I used to be. Is this good? Possibly. Is it maybe a little sad too? Probably. Such is life with infertility, huh?
So, let's do another cycle, eh? What do you think: clomid with a trigger or femara with a trigger? I'm ready to be done with clomid and I can finally afford the more expensive femara. But I'm concerned about dosing. Have any of you switched from clomid to femara and did your Dr. seem to know that 100mg of clomid equates to so much femara? Or do you have to start all over again with low doses, increasing each cycle until it works? Cause I don't think I'm up for that... I stand by my promise to myself before my surgery this year: if I can't reliably ovulate each month by the end of 2012, I am taking a big ass break and thinking things over.
I had pretty much fallen off the wagon of taking my metformin reliably for about a month and I'm finally back on schedule. So proud of me. I remember when I went off BCPs and spironolactone in order to TTC, I thought "wow, I will finally stop taking so many freaking pills!" And I am now Laughing My Fucking Ass Off at how young and stupid I was. I am now taking 10 pills a day - more than that while I'm taking clomid!
I feel like this post is kind of all over the place, with non-existent segues between topics... Let's throw one more out there!
Do you know what it takes to get on the show House Hunters? I love that show and I told M when we started looking at houses for real I wanted to apply to be on the show. So after we put an offer on our dream house, I went to the HGTV website and followed the links to the application for the show. Really thought that was it. A week later, I got an email from one of the casting directors for the show! They wanted to know more about us and our home shopping story. So I emailed back a more detailed explanation of our situation. I got another email back! They like our story and are very interested, now please fill out all this paperwork and make a 7 minute video bearing in mind all of these questions and requirements. Also, make your realtor jump through a bunch of hoops and remind her we will pay her NOTHING for her time and trouble. Wow. Why did I think the process would somehow be simpler than that? It would take me at least 2 weeks to get all this completed and by then we'd be closing on the house and moving. There's no way we'd be able to take 5 days out of our work and personal schedules at that point to do all the filming they need. Small dream of reality tv: crushed. Ah well, its a silly dream anyway ;-) I will still get my house.