Barring any catastrophes, we will be moved into the new house in time to host a Halloween house warming party. I'm very excited about this and am already mentally planning it. I was pouting about not being able to drink last night and M asked "are you going to know if you can drink by the party?". "Oh, well in advance," I told him. Then I smirked, "What a bitch that would be to try to avoid drinking at my *own* party without letting on because I'd be *so* early pregnant, it would be stupid to tell anyone". Then I added, "Good thing I won't have to worry about that, because I'm not getting pregnant". M gave me a look, but didn't say anything.
Once upon a time, I used to tabulate my prospective due date in any given cycle. I payed money to be a VIP member ("Tip the odds!" they say) on Fertility Friend and would symptom spot like a crazy person as though I could *will* myself to be pregnant. I would give up caffeine, alcohol, and any non-pregnant friendly foods, like acting pregnant could somehow *make* me pregnant.
Other people will still say to me "When you have kids...". I never make that mistake anymore. It will always and forever be "If". I can't daydream anymore about the day I get a positive pregnancy test. Or wishfully plan how I would surprise M with the news. I refuse to mentally decorate any of the bedrooms in my new house as a nursery. Rather, I am planning my existence without children. A year ago, I may have thought that kind of thinking to be counter-productive. "Have to stay positive!" people tell me. No I the hell don't. The only thing I can be "positive" of is my continued infertility. The pills, the shots, the ultrasounds, and timed intercourse are all perfunctory at this point and the only future I dare to consider is the next cycle, the next round of meds.
God that sounds depressing. I swear I didn't mean for this post to sound so dark. I don't *feel* dark. I just feel...well, I don't want to say hopeless, but certainly something less than hopeful. As though I am doing all these medicated cycles and agreeing to IUI only to prove to myself and the world that I did what I could when inevitably nothing works. That will be some small comfort. Again, that is coming off *way* more despairing than I intend. I can't really explain myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, it is strange to be in a place where I have no illusions or fairy tales left where children are concerned. The reality of my situation is what it is, and there's no sense in being overly emotional about it. So much so that the absence of any emotion gives the appearance of being sad or depressed, even though I'm not. Does that make sense?
The first year and a half of dealing with IF was such a roller coaster, I really don't want to move forward into my new future, new house, etc. letting IF continue to muck up otherwise happy events. TTC holds no pure joy for me anymore, but at least that means it holds no deep sorrows either.
To end this post on a non-Eeyore sounding note, I've been thinking about how some women "test out" their trigger shot. I've only triggered twice and have never tested out the shot. I was wondering what you all do? Have you ever tested out the shot? Is there a particular reason why or why not? I have considered doing it and then chickened out because I think I would have a very emotional reaction to a positive pregnancy test, even if I *knew* it was just the shot. I think it would just be even more crushing to watch the positive slowly fade away to a BFN instead of becoming a true BFP.
I promise my next post will be more pleasant and up-beat!
As you probably know, I totally test out the shot. I tend to test early so I want to be sure that I'm not seeing a positive that is still residual trigger. That would suck. Because of this I've learned that it takes my body a really long time to metabolize the trigger, so I probably can't be sure until my period is late. Despite that I still test out the trigger. I think it helps me manage my hope and anxiety. I use the wondflo cheapies bought on Amazon so it isn't expensive and I typically start testing at 5 or 6 DPT.
ReplyDeleteThat definitely makes sense to test out the trigger if you like to test early. Would certainly give one a better idea if its a true BFP. I'm the opposite, though. I wish I could just not test at all, but my luteal phase is so damn long! LOL, I get impatient for the conciliatory glass of wine, so I always test on 14DPO with a big roll of my eyes.
DeleteI totally understand what you are saying. Not having hope is a preservation thing I think. At least it is for me. Not sure if it helped when I would see that BFN, but at least I could say to myself, "see, I knew it". It felt a little less painful that way.
ReplyDeleteI *think* some people test out the trigger so that they can test early and be sure that their results are real. This is not something I have ever done because, well, I abhor peeing on sticks. The earliest I will ever test in 14dpo and not a day earlier. So, no need to test out a trigger because by that time it's long gone. But for some that like to test, I think it gives them the assurance to know that it is not the trigger that is showing up and their results are real.
And that would explain why I should *not* test out the shot - I never test before 14DPO and I wish I could avoid even peeing on *that* stick, but alas, I must be sure I'm not pregnant before pouring that glass of wine...
DeleteI totally understand - I think that it just sounds darker when you put it into words but mostly it is very accurate. Sometimes it's better that way - to not have the high hopes and be let down. Plus you can be very surprised when it does happen :-) It's so frustrating to act pregnant every cycle and have it not work. I am a believer in doing what you want as long as it's not too crazy haha so that YOU Don't GO CRAZY!
ReplyDeleteFor the trigger shot, I always tested mine out. I would say I wasn't going to, but I always did. I started early when it would definitely be the trigger and it doesn't feel like you're looking at a pregnancy test that way, or at least it didn't to me. I just tried not to think about it that way. I really recommend doing it because I know I would have ALWAYS questioned a REAL positive test without doing that. This pregnancy, I never got a "negative" test so there were a couple days there that it was either/both the trigger and/or pregnancy. So you never know!! GL!
I suppose I could try to convince myself that I'm looking at an OPK and not a preg test, but I don't think want to risk it. I think I understand now why people test out the trigger, but my self-preservation tactics make me not inclined to try it myself. Thanks for the comment!
DeleteI can so relate to this post. It's an hard place to be in when you are actively TTC but you can no longer picture a baby in your life. It's a place I wish you no one would have to know. To me this post does not sound depressing at all, it is honest and brave. I will hold out hope for you my friend, sometimes it is hard to hope for ourselves so someone else needs to do it for us. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Trisha. It feels really good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. I welcome anyone to carry the hope for me while I can't do it for myself. And yet, I find myself more than capable of being hopeful for others, isn't that weird? I'm such a good cheerleader for everyone but myself...
DeleteUgh, don't get me started. "it'll happen if you stay positive". please, I've tried positive, negative, ambivalent, hopeful, not-hopeful, praying, yelling... Seeing as how it doesn't affect me getting pregnant in the slightest, I'll just deal with it how I deal with it from now on thankyouverymuch.
ReplyDeleteI tested when I knew it probably wouldn't be positive from trigger or from pregnancy anymore... I think I was around 10dpo? totally blank, and then a few days later it was positive.
Back before I started this blog, when I was still just secretly typing rants to myself on LiveJournal, I wrote a post all about how my uterus and ovaries don't care one lick about how I "feel". Me being hopeful, happy, sad, ambivalent does *NOT* make an impact on my eggs, M's swimmers, or the ability for my ute to host a baby. So so stupid, so *WHY* do people still give that "advice"??
DeleteGood question. Why DO people give that advice? That "you just need to be positive" attitude makes me MAD. It feels to me like it brushes off my attempts to have a baby as NOT urgent and NOT difficult and it implies that I'm not doing all I can do to "be positive" and help myself get pregnant, that it is somehow MY fault. I've too had SO much hope, felt I had NO hope and every shade in between. People who tell you you just need to relax don't get it!
Delete