Barring any catastrophes, we will be moved into the new house in time to host a Halloween house warming party. I'm very excited about this and am already mentally planning it. I was pouting about not being able to drink last night and M asked "are you going to know if you can drink by the party?". "Oh, well in advance," I told him. Then I smirked, "What a bitch that would be to try to avoid drinking at my *own* party without letting on because I'd be *so* early pregnant, it would be stupid to tell anyone". Then I added, "Good thing I won't have to worry about that, because I'm not getting pregnant". M gave me a look, but didn't say anything.
Once upon a time, I used to tabulate my prospective due date in any given cycle. I payed money to be a VIP member ("Tip the odds!" they say) on Fertility Friend and would symptom spot like a crazy person as though I could *will* myself to be pregnant. I would give up caffeine, alcohol, and any non-pregnant friendly foods, like acting pregnant could somehow *make* me pregnant.
Other people will still say to me "When you have kids...". I never make that mistake anymore. It will always and forever be "If". I can't daydream anymore about the day I get a positive pregnancy test. Or wishfully plan how I would surprise M with the news. I refuse to mentally decorate any of the bedrooms in my new house as a nursery. Rather, I am planning my existence without children. A year ago, I may have thought that kind of thinking to be counter-productive. "Have to stay positive!" people tell me. No I the hell don't. The only thing I can be "positive" of is my continued infertility. The pills, the shots, the ultrasounds, and timed intercourse are all perfunctory at this point and the only future I dare to consider is the next cycle, the next round of meds.
God that sounds depressing. I swear I didn't mean for this post to sound so dark. I don't *feel* dark. I just feel...well, I don't want to say hopeless, but certainly something less than hopeful. As though I am doing all these medicated cycles and agreeing to IUI only to prove to myself and the world that I did what I could when inevitably nothing works. That will be some small comfort. Again, that is coming off *way* more despairing than I intend. I can't really explain myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, it is strange to be in a place where I have no illusions or fairy tales left where children are concerned. The reality of my situation is what it is, and there's no sense in being overly emotional about it. So much so that the absence of any emotion gives the appearance of being sad or depressed, even though I'm not. Does that make sense?
The first year and a half of dealing with IF was such a roller coaster, I really don't want to move forward into my new future, new house, etc. letting IF continue to muck up otherwise happy events. TTC holds no pure joy for me anymore, but at least that means it holds no deep sorrows either.
To end this post on a non-Eeyore sounding note, I've been thinking about how some women "test out" their trigger shot. I've only triggered twice and have never tested out the shot. I was wondering what you all do? Have you ever tested out the shot? Is there a particular reason why or why not? I have considered doing it and then chickened out because I think I would have a very emotional reaction to a positive pregnancy test, even if I *knew* it was just the shot. I think it would just be even more crushing to watch the positive slowly fade away to a BFN instead of becoming a true BFP.
I promise my next post will be more pleasant and up-beat!