I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head today, so this is probably all going to be a bit scattered. My apologies.
A few Sundays ago, my pastor did an entire sermon about growing the church through marriage and children. Can I tell you that was my *least* favorite sermon since he preached about the necessity for private confessions? He stuck a little blurb in near the end about how those of us who have tried and failed are basically off the hook, but that actually made me feel worse, not better. My mantra for the rest of the day was "I guess I'll just live out my childless, useless life." My sister even got up and walked out until the sermon was over, it upset her that much. The fact that the rest of the world can hurt an infertile so deeply without even knowing what they did is...well, its maddening.
I am trying so hard to get to and stay in a place mentally and emotionally where I will be okay without kids, but one wrong utterance from one of "them" can send me into a bitter, spiteful tirade. That's not how I want to live out my life. How do I temper my own disappointment in how my life is turning out *and* gracefully and forgivingly handle the random barbs from people who don't know any better? Will it ever get easier? I feel safe within our online community and am able to be even keeled and speak hopefully about the future regardless of whether I have children or not. But out in the real world, I struggle. And I don't want to wear a banner all my life that announces to everyone "I'm scarred from years of unresolved infertility, please think before you speak to me". This issue even scares me off from opening up about my struggles to people because once you open that door, its hard to close it again when the person you confided in starts spewing all those cliche platitudes we all hate so much. I *want* to believe in "normal" people's ability to be understanding and supportive. I want to be able to trust the greater Christian community to support me and pray for me, but in an effort to be "helpful" they can do so much damage.
How can I open up to my bible study group about my experiences when one girl just announced her pregnancy? She's 8 weeks. I was aghast that she would confide in people outside her closest circle that early. I for one wouldn't utter a word until forced to. But if I open up about my infertility, then I risk weekly requests for updates that I have no interest in giving. I suppose I could out myself by spouting some infertility manifesto that explains my situation but also provides a lengthy "Do and Don't" list for them to follow. That sounds very militant and unfriendly though, doesn't it?
On a completely separate note, my sister will be delivering her baby on Thursday. They settled on being induced because the baby simply refuses to stay engaged in the birth canal or whatever. I am so excited and so thankful for this blessing and I just hope I'm not a big emotional mess that day. This may be the closest I ever get to the childbirth experience.
I'm hoping that settling into the new house, helping with my nephew, and the upcoming holiday season will keep me nicely distracted from any lingering negativity as I enter yet another TTC break. In January we will have been trying for 2 years. I never once thought it would take this long or that I'd be this close to giving up. Three IUI cycles and I'm tapping out, throwing in the towel, washing my hands of my responsibility to raise Good and Godly Children, until such time as I am ready to start researching adoption. I still don't know for sure if it is the right path for us, but I will prayerfully consider it.
Hmm, I promised this post would be happier than the last one, didn't I? Hmmmmm........
Please enjoy this oldie, but goldie funny animation: Ebaum's End of the World