New New New

New house

New nephew

New....hair!

 Okay, I realized after I wrote the rest of this entry that I should give you guys a "before" picture as a reference for my hair. This was Halloween 2 years ago (I was Alice in Wonderland). My hair is naturally dark brown and the only color altering I have ever done was a temporary home dye of red (that didn't work well) when I was 13 and using Sun-In to lighten it in the summer (it turns a very pretty golden brown, but lately I don't sunbathe enough to do it).

This was my hair last night after I got home from the salon. I had to wet it and work in a bunch of hair moisturizer after everything I had just put my curls through. Look at that one eye squinching up more than the other - ugh, I get that from my dad. We have the same smile face.

And this is my hair this morning - holy cow red! I haven't washed it of course. I know you aren't supposed to wash right after applying color and I only wash my hair every 2-3 days anyway (its a curly girl thing, trust me, I am not grody and greasy). When I go back in December for my stylist to touch up my roots she's going to add low-lights and high-lights. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out!

So now you can put a face with a blog, weird huh? I always think its strange to see what a blogger looks like after months of reading and coming up with some imagination of what they look like. I never seem to get anywhere close to reality with my impressions, LOL.

Good Things Come in Threes?

New house, New nephew, no BFP. ::sad trombone:: Better luck next time, eh?

Closing on the house went fairly smoothly, not too much paperwork to sign, and I think we were done in an hour. Afterwards, I was mentally wiped so we went out for pizza and root beer (since I couldn't have regular beer).

The next day my nephew was born! Bradley William took his first breath of air at 4:27pm on October 18th and I got to be there for all of it! I was *so* happy! He weighed 8lb 12oz and was 20.5 inches long. He also barely cried at all, which really surprised me. He started nursing only minutes after the umbilical cord was cut - he latches on like a champ. His very first article of clothing was a onsie that read "I was worth the wait". The next day he sported another one reading "I am an answer to prayers". I could seriously cry!

Unfortunately, Friday, I woke up to a still very high post-O temp, but very clearly red spotting. I went out for breakfast, distracted myself with Words with Friends, and only let myself cry once I was driving home. Five minutes of crying, guys. I have managed to compartmentalize my anticipated, but still upsetting, BFN into 5 minutes. I don't know whether that should make me happy or depressed... I tested Saturday morning to confirm (mostly because I really wanted to be able to drink to deal with the stress of all these changes) and moved on with my life. Interestingly enough, while playing Words with Friends to distract myself from another failed cycle, I accidentally spelled out with my letters "Fear Not". I decided to take it as a sign of comfort from God and after that made an effort to focus on all the good things that are happening in my life right now.

We weren't supposed to get the keys to the house until this evening, but Sunday around noon, the sellers called us to say they were cleared out and the keys were hanging in a hiding place on the front porch. I wanted to drive straight over, but I had a Zumbathon I promised to attend that was a fundraiser for a baby girl who needs a liver transplant. So M loaded up his car with packed boxes and a I told him I would be down to the house as soon as I could. Between the Zumbathon, my new nephew, getting the house early, and preparing for another long TTC break, I was physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted by the time I get to the new house. I curled up on the stairs while M, his mom, and her boyfriend carried things in from the cars. I looked around at all the walls, floors, and fixtures I could see and kept thinking "this is *mine* now!" The first thing I unpacked was the Fall themed wreath for the front door and hung it in its place of honor.

There's still so much work to do. Have to schedule all the repairs the sellers agreed to pay for, have to clean the floors before the furniture moves in on Saturday, have to finish packing... The rest of 2012 is going to fly by in a blur I imagine and I only hope I'm able to spend enough time with my sister and the baby.

One good thing about taking a TTC break for the holidays: I can finally get a steroid shot for these crazy hives!! Ugh!!!!

Loss

If I never manage to conceive a child of my own, if I give up on this struggle without ever seeing the coveted two lines on the test, I will try to remember *every day* how lucky I am to have never known personally the pain and grief of a miscarriage. I would hope to heaven this thought can temper my sadness and bitterness. Because I have known *too many* women who have experienced that loss, including my sister, and it nearly kills me every time. I don't know how I could go through it myself. I may never realize my dream of motherhood and there is pain and sadness there, but from my position, it seems so far off and blurry - like a dream that isn't happening to me. But to have that dream realized, however briefly, and then *cruelly* snatched away is a pain more severe than I can imagine.

To those of you who have lived through that hell, or are going through it now, you have my deepest sympathy and my greatest admiration for your ability to keep going everyday. You are so much stronger than you know, stronger than I could ever imagine myself being. And I know that is no real comfort, but I still felt that I had to say it.

Word Vomit

I have a lot of thoughts swirling in my head today, so this is probably all going to be a bit scattered. My apologies.

A few Sundays ago, my pastor did an entire sermon about growing the church through marriage and children. Can I tell you that was my *least* favorite sermon since he preached about the necessity for private confessions? He stuck a little blurb in near the end about how those of us who have tried and failed are basically off the hook, but that actually made me feel worse, not better. My mantra for the rest of the day was "I guess I'll just live out my childless, useless life." My sister even got up and walked out until the sermon was over, it upset her that much. The fact that the rest of the world can hurt an infertile so deeply without even knowing what they did is...well, its maddening.

I am trying so hard to get to and stay in a place mentally and emotionally where I will be okay without kids, but one wrong utterance from one of "them" can send me into a bitter, spiteful tirade. That's not how I want to live out my life. How do I temper my own disappointment in how my life is turning out *and* gracefully and forgivingly handle the random barbs from people who don't know any better? Will it ever get easier? I feel safe within our online community and am able to be even keeled and speak hopefully about the future regardless of whether I have children or not. But out in the real world, I struggle. And I don't want to wear a banner all my life that announces to everyone "I'm scarred from years of unresolved infertility, please think before you speak to me". This issue even scares me off from opening up about my struggles to people because once you open that door, its hard to close it again when the person you confided in starts spewing all those cliche platitudes we all hate so much. I *want* to believe in "normal" people's ability to be understanding and supportive. I want to be able to trust the greater Christian community to support me and pray for me, but in an effort to be "helpful" they can do so much damage.

How can I open up to my bible study group about my experiences when one girl just announced her pregnancy? She's 8 weeks. I was aghast that she would confide in people outside her closest circle that early. I for one wouldn't utter a word until forced to. But if I open up about my infertility, then I risk weekly requests for updates that I have no interest in giving. I suppose I could out myself by spouting some infertility manifesto that explains my situation but also provides a lengthy "Do and Don't" list for them to follow. That sounds very militant and unfriendly though, doesn't it?

On a completely separate note, my sister will be delivering her baby on Thursday. They settled on being induced because the baby simply refuses to stay engaged in the birth canal or whatever. I am so excited and so thankful for this blessing and I just hope I'm not a big emotional mess that day. This may be the closest I ever get to the childbirth experience.

I'm hoping that settling into the new house, helping with my nephew, and the upcoming holiday season will keep me nicely distracted from any lingering negativity as I enter yet another TTC break. In January we will have been trying for 2 years. I never once thought it would take this long or that I'd be this close to giving up. Three IUI cycles and I'm tapping out, throwing in the towel, washing my hands of my responsibility to raise Good and Godly Children, until such time as I am ready to start researching adoption. I still don't know for sure if it is the right path for us, but I will prayerfully consider it.

Hmm, I promised this post would be happier than the last one, didn't I? Hmmmmm........

Please enjoy this oldie, but goldie funny animation: Ebaum's End of the World

So Jaded

Barring any catastrophes, we will be moved into the new house in time to host a Halloween house warming party. I'm very excited about this and am already mentally planning it. I was pouting about not being able to drink last night and M asked "are you going to know if you can drink by the party?". "Oh, well in advance," I told him. Then I smirked, "What a bitch that would be to try to avoid drinking at my *own* party without letting on because I'd be *so* early pregnant, it would be stupid to tell anyone". Then I added, "Good thing I won't have to worry about that, because I'm not getting pregnant". M gave me a look, but didn't say anything.

Once upon a time, I used to tabulate my prospective due date in any given cycle. I payed money to be a VIP member ("Tip the odds!" they say) on Fertility Friend and would symptom spot like a crazy person as though I could *will* myself to be pregnant. I would give up caffeine, alcohol, and any non-pregnant friendly foods, like acting pregnant could somehow *make* me pregnant.

Other people will still say to me "When you have kids...". I never make that mistake anymore. It will always and forever be "If". I can't daydream anymore about the day I get a positive pregnancy test. Or wishfully plan how I would surprise M with the news. I refuse to mentally decorate any of the bedrooms in my new house as a nursery. Rather, I am planning my existence without children. A year ago, I may have thought that kind of thinking to be counter-productive. "Have to stay positive!" people tell me. No I the hell don't. The only thing I can be "positive" of is my continued infertility. The pills, the shots, the ultrasounds, and timed intercourse are all perfunctory at this point and the only future I dare to consider is the next cycle, the next round of meds.

God that sounds depressing. I swear I didn't mean for this post to sound so dark. I don't *feel* dark. I just feel...well, I don't want to say hopeless, but certainly something less than hopeful. As though I am doing all these medicated cycles and agreeing to IUI only to prove to myself and the world that I did what I could when inevitably nothing works. That will be some small comfort. Again, that is coming off *way* more despairing than I intend. I can't really explain myself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it is strange to be in a place where I have no illusions or fairy tales left where children are concerned. The reality of my situation is what it is, and there's no sense in being overly emotional about it. So much so that the absence of any emotion gives the appearance of being sad or depressed, even though I'm not. Does that make sense?

The first year and a half of dealing with IF was such a roller coaster, I really don't want to move forward into my new future, new house, etc. letting IF continue to muck up otherwise happy events. TTC holds no pure joy for me anymore, but at least that means it holds no deep sorrows either.

To end this post on a non-Eeyore sounding note, I've been thinking about how some women "test out" their trigger shot. I've only triggered twice and have never tested out the shot. I was wondering what you all do? Have you ever tested out the shot? Is there a particular reason why or why not? I have considered doing it and then chickened out because I think I would have a very emotional reaction to a positive pregnancy test, even if I *knew* it was just the shot. I think it would just be even more crushing to watch the positive slowly fade away to a BFN instead of becoming a true BFP.

I promise my next post will be more pleasant and up-beat!

So Much Time and So Little to Do!

Really, the reverse is just as true: so much to do and so little time! Is it possible for time to be moving too fast *and* too slow? Have I asked that question before...?

I'm really bad at waiting. Not my forte in the least. Currently, I am waiting to get the roof contractor contact information so we can pick out shingles for the new house, waiting to hear from the bank about any other forms they need from us, waiting for my sister to go into labor, and waiting to take a pregnancy test.

This is not your average "Two Week Wait". This is an annoyingly monstrous two week wait where I am simultaneously waiting for 3 big, life changing events: Baby nephew, New house, Pregnancy test. It will be interesting to see how quickly I lose my shit in the next several days...

A Long Awaited Update

I had thought that I would be able to write an update on Wednesday this week with all sorts of good news. The sellers' response to our repair requests was due on Tuesday, and my mid cycle u/s was Wednesday morning.

But the news never came about the house. We waited. And waited. And waited some more. And FINALLY this morning, I received the official response. So now, I am making my big happy update:

American Foursquare built in 1919

WE'RE BUYING A HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The sellers agreed to most of our repair requests - the biggest being a new roof. I am over the moon excited about this! And on top of that, they are making an effort to stick with the original closing date of Oct. 20th! I may be living in my new house by Halloween!!

My u/s on Wednesday went really well too. I've got a 17mm and two 13mm all on the same side. Dr. B advised to use OPKs every day through Saturday. If I surge before Saturday, I need to trigger that same day. If no surge by Saturday, trigger then.

This is my 3rd cycle post-surgery. And my 3rd cycle in which the drugs are working and getting me to ovulate. If we aren't pregnant this month, Dr. B wants us to move to IUI. We did one, back in March - my first cycle with Dr. B. The BFN after that cycle was pretty devastating. Knowing how much an IUI ratchets up the emotional involvement in a cycle, I told him I want to wait until after Christmas to start them.

Obviously, my elation over the house and continuing happiness with M's new job are making the infertility much easier to handle. I still don't want the potential emotional roller coaster ruining my first Christmas in my first house. As I've said, so many blessings have been heaped on us in the past two months, I almost feel guilty asking for a miracle baby too. I'm comfortable with letting all this play out in God's time for now and hopefully I can sustain that level of...trust, I guess.