February 11, 2015

It Really Was Going Too Well

Fuck you universe. Fuck. You.

I think I have dealt admirably with everything life has thrown at me in 31 years. And I have learned to move on, to heal, to make do, and to find the good in truly shitty situations. And I have been so happy ever since M and I committed ourselves to adopting, no matter the pain that came before and which still lingers a little. We are planning, we are saving, we are staying positive.

So why are we being punished with a broken car? Hm? What fucking lesson am I still learning that necessitated this new problem? I have sucked it up and said "okay" to the outrageous idea that just because I can't squeeze out my own offspring, that it is justifiable I be saddled with a $30,000 price tag for having a family (heaven forbid we decide we want 2 kids!). And if that price is 100% necessary, why can’t I fucking catch a break in the rest of my life so that I don’t have to feel like I am choosing between a safe/reliable car for M or having a goddamn family? Not many people are “blessed” with that particular challenge. Lucky. Fucking. Us.

We *were* on track to be done saving after this year. We *were* going to be able to pursue adoption without digging ourselves into bedrock, financially. But no, that's just too good, too kind of God. Clearly we needed this journey to be HARDER, because dammit, it hasn't been enough of a challenge. We were finding *way* too much joy in this pursuit. It should break us. Then we might deserve to reach the other end of the rainbow.

It's not just the addition of a new monthly loan payment that upsets me, though that will drastically restrict our ability to save within our anticipated time-frame. Its that we will have to *take* money already saved and use it for this, instead of for our FUTURE CHILD.

I hate and despise everything today and there are no words to make it better. I will calm down, I have to for M's sake, but right now I get to be as fucking pissed off as I want because this is NOT FAIR.

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