I think I've been trying to do too much for a while now. Life was very different 6 months ago when M and I lived 5 minutes from work, 10 minutes from church and family, and we had no money to go out and do things most of the time. I spent a lot of time at home doing chores, cooking, crafting, that sort of thing. We went to bed at 10, sometimes 11 at night. We almost never woke up before 7am. We had exactly 800 square feet of living space to take care of and general maintenance was not our problem. We had zero outdoor space to take care of.
Now, we live a minimum of 30 minutes from work and family (and its usually more like 45 minutes). We can afford to go out and be social. It feels like we are *never* home except to sleep. We go to bed at 9, sometimes earlier if it has been a hard day. We wake up by 6am. We have exactly 2200 square feet of living space to take care of and all maintenance issues are our problem. We have almost a full acre of outdoor space to take care of.
Something's got to give. There are not enough hours in a day or days in a week for me to accomplish even the minimum of what needs to be done. I can't spend my entire weekend away from my house where the chores have been piling up for weeks. I can't spend 2 work day evenings a week away from home, not getting in until a half an hour after M has fallen asleep. It is impossible to eat a low carb diet when I don't have enough time to cook and prepare foods for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snacks. And I can't even *think* about doing an IUI cycle when I am already feeling this much stress and pressure.
I laid in bed last night crying and thinking to myself, "what if I can't handle a baby? I don't feel like I can at all! If I can't manage to keep this house clean, how can I take care of a baby?? Why do I have to make this decision *now* when other women can easily wait into their 30's?" I'm overwhelmed with the burden of so many responsibilities, real and imagined. It would be selfish to stop helping my mom and sister with volunteering at church. It would be rude to not visit with my family as much as I can. I am a bad Christian if I don't prioritize attending bible study. I am killing myself if I don't go back on my strict low-carb diet. If don't get back into fertility treatments ASAP, then it means I'm not trying hard enough and I don't want it enough. I am not a mature adult if I can't manage to keep my house in order and the chores in check.
I know that sounds ridiculous and I am clearly catastrophizing, but in my head these are very real, very *crushing* demands that must be lived up to or I am a failure. Or I will be a disappointment to people. And I can't handle either label, even if I would be the only person actually labeling me.
So before I go any more coo-coo bananas than I already am, I've decided I need to take a step back from a lot of "extra-curricular activities" and focus on getting the basics in order again now that I have a whole house to manage and less time in which to do the managing. When my physical space is a mess, my brain is a mess - does anyone else ever feel like that? Like at work, I can't think straight if my desk is a disaster area. Doesn't mean I keep it perfectly tidy all the time, but it does mean there are days I have to stop what I'm doing and take a moment to clean up before I can move forward.
I don't want to go back to treatments right now. The second half of winter is always a little difficult for me and I am clearly not in a good place to pile on extra stress, drama, and hormones. Maybe by March, maybe April. It will give us time to save up the funds in our Health Savings Account anyway. I'm going to try to stop being so demanding with myself, but I'm pretty sure its a hard-wired personality trait.
"When my physical space is a mess, my brain is a mess - does anyone else ever feel like that?" Yes, yes, YES! I am totally like this.
ReplyDeleteI completely get you on all of the THINGS, critical and self-imposed, that have to get done each week. I finally put my foot down and scaled back considerably. Now, we do church on Sunday, Bible Study on Monday night, and ONE other weekly activity (gymnastics for Little K). I've found that limiting myself in terms of extra activities has helped me be more calm and able to keep up with the little things (chores, grocery shopping, etc.) that have to get done.
Like you, I get worried when I see how busy our life is and that we're trying to add a new baby to the mix. Eek! But I also know that, if TTC works and life starts to get too busy, something will just need to drop. Maybe someone else will have to do the grocery shopping. Maybe I'll have to bring in a house cleaner once a month. Maybe I'll have to take a break from Monday Bible Study. Whatever it may be. But I know that parenting is a blessing and it is up to me to be flexible.
I hope you are able to find some peace soon!
Oh, I'm so glad I'm not the only person who feels that way about my physical space! I suppose you are right that adding a baby, like adding any other time consuming activity, simply means you have to taper back in other areas. Freak out officially over :-)
DeleteSTOP! Take 3 deep breaths. I have to remind myself to do this at least several times a day. You want to help so much, but you are of no use to anyone if you are falling apart (literally or figuratively). I used to want to help everyone too, but people more than understand when you go to them and say, "hey, my life is a bit too overwhelming right now. I have to take care of myself for a bit". People, innately, get that. We've all been there.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't for a second let this anxiety influence your view of being a mother. It doesn't. Yes, it is hard to take care of a baby/child (from what I hear anyway) but you can't stress about how hard that is when it's not even on the docket right now. You need to take are of YOU right NOW. The pieces will fall in to place as soon as you do that. I promise. Hugs to you my friend, Spring is coming soon.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I often compare myself to women who have families and still manage to keep their house clean and do all these other activities and such. Then I remember that those women are stay-at-home moms. Yeah, I think if I didn't spend 40 hours a week (plus drive time) away from home, I could probably keep things in better order too... Thank you so much for your support over the past year - you and Trisha feel like my infertility soul-mates now.
DeleteAgh!! Sounds super stressful. I hope you are able to slow down and determine what needs to stay and what needs to go! January - March was always a tough time for me during the winter in the Midwest, too. Gray, gray, gray. I hope spring brings renewed light.
ReplyDeleteUgh, don't I know it! It looks like evening out my window right now and its just 9:30 in the morning!
DeleteBy the way, I tried to go to your blog today and it said it was private now. I can't find an email address for you to request access, but I understand if you've gone private for personal reasons.
You are definitely not alone. Lately it's been hard to keep things tidy around here and it definitely affects my mood. It's hard for me not to feel anxious when the house needs to be put into order...and with only a little over 800 sq ft, there's no escaping the mess.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds, though, like you have a great plan in place. Go ahead and cut back on your extra-curriculars. You have to take care of yourself first and there has been a lot of transition in your life lately. It's amazing that you've been keeping everything going...but you don't need to.
For me, things get easier when the days get longer. And we're heading in that direction now.
Take care!
*everything* is easier when the days are longer - why is that?? I can't wait for spring...
DeleteYou're doing good, love.
ReplyDeleteThat idea that one day we're going to wake up and feel like we have our shit together and are getting everything done in a timely fashion is a myth. The women who look like they're pulling it off are probably all sleeping with the mail man and drinking vodka in their coffee.
XD Have I told you lately that I love you? In a totally friendly, non-creepy, blog-friend way of course, LOL! Your comments always make me cackle with glee ;-)
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