January 21, 2013

What to Say

Mid-winter is always a down in the dumps time of year for me. The holidays are over and there's little to look forward to either than far-off Spring.

I still consider myself on a break from cycling, although I think my body is doing its little "impression" of functioning. I was on BC in November and December because I have a lot of break-through bleeding during non-medicated cycles. I went off my Metformin on the instruction of my dermatologist who was trying to figure out what I was allergic to. But the BC made me VERY moody towards M (why does he always have to take the brunt of my hormones?) and my skin reaction cleared up, so I went off BC and on Metformin before New Year's.

I had 2 or 3 blissful weeks without spotting, which was great. Followed by about 4 days of EWCM. Yesterday, everyone around me was complaining about the cold while I walked about without a coat because I was SO HOT. I don't have to temp or waste OPKs. I know this story very well. Today, I started seeing brown tinged CM. I'll spot for 2 weeks, get my period, and spot for another week before it all clears up. Then 2ish weeks off and back into it all over again.

My poor little ovaries. They do try, but they are so very flawed.

Did I mention that a friend *texted* me that his wife is pregnant on New Year's Eve? I can't remember if I did. Men are so stupid - he knows we are trying and having major problems. She came out on Facebook at only 7 weeks. It boggles the mind. I was only a little sore over it and not for very long. Once upon a time, I think I would have raged for weeks over the injustice of it. But now, I just worry about them. Neither has a college degree, she works in a salon and my friend has had several retail and food service jobs in the past 5 years. How are they ever going to afford a baby?

I'm glad I'm past the blind rage of my early infertile time. I don't want to be miserable and hate strangers, none of us do. Everybody has their problems in life. Some die young, some struggle financially all their lives, and some of us are infertile. Maybe accepting infertility is a lot like the stages of grief. Actually, it is probably *exactly* like the stages of grief. For almost 2 years I was grieving the loss of so many things. A "normal" conception and pregnancy, the rights of passage that are unique to women, the pride of providing much wanted grandchildren for my parents and in-laws. There was a lot of self-blame during that time too. I'm very good at blaming myself for things. So, it took a long time to convince myself that I'd done nothing wrong, there was nothing to blame myself for.

But now what? Where do I go from here? Accepting my infertility and managing only a *few* cruel words about fertiles doesn't bring me any closer to a resolution for all this. I don't even know what to talk about any more. I'm not really looking forward to more medicated cycles. I hate how they make me feel. I hate how all the peace I feel just falls away when I'm in the grips of a medicated cycle. In my head, a negative pregnancy test still equates to YOU HAVE FAILED - even if I can shake that feeling pretty quickly. But I can't stay in limbo forever.


  1. I too hated how I felt during Clomid cycle. Everything was really dark and really heavy. I don't know if your doctor is open to this, but you may have a completely different experience with Femara. My depression, my rage, the black pit of despair, it didn't exist while cycling with Femara. It was an amazing difference.

    1. That is a very good point - I'm definitely going to ask the RE if I can switch to Femara. Thanks for the suggestion!

  2. Hi! I am a new follower. As a fellow infertile and PCOSer i know how frustrating all this can be! I hated Clomid! Femara works for me. I am on C#4,and had a + OPK yesterday, and no nasty side effects!

    1. Hi Teresa! Thanks for reading :-) I'm glad people are reminding me that Femara is an option because I had pretty much forgotten about it!