Happy 2013, everyone! Let's hope this year is better than 2012. 2012 was a real bitch for me. It ended on a high note, but the first 6 months were so brutal I will forever associate the year with bad memories.
In other news, it is my 2 year TTC anniversary. Two years ago I tossed out the birth control and prepared myself for battle. Unlike a lot of women who struggle with infertility, I knew it was coming. However, I had no way of knowing just how bad it would be or how long it would take. I remained naively optimistic that I just needed a low dose of clomid and we'd have our first pregnancy in maybe 6 months at the worst. Ha! At the worst indeed... Poor, sweet, simple two-years-ago Me. I have grown a lot as a person since then. I hope I have become more emotionally mature as well as compassionate and empathetic. I think I have learned to stop trying to control the things in my life that I cannot and to keep trying to enjoy life day by day instead of staring longingly into the unknown future.
I used to assume that I would be on the "winning" side of statistics in this battle. That eventually, given enough hard work and faith, I would have a family. I think I know now that any assumption is a bad idea. I am very close to being on the "losing" side of the statistics. How many IFers actually end up accepting a child-free life? Accepting...that doesn't sound like the right word. Resigning? Choosing to move forward with what fate has thrust upon them? Maybe there isn't a verb in the English language that properly captures it.
Whatever the right word or phrase is, it won't be long before I may be living it myself. Three IUIs. That's what 2013 has in store for me. After that, I'm going back on the BC and spironolactone to try to stop hating most aspects of my body. Then I'm taking a break to focus on EVERYTHING ELSE in my life until I'm like 30. At which point I will start researching adoption and prayerfully considering if that is an avenue we want to pursue or if we will just live child-free.
Two years ago I *never* thought I would be faced with these decisions. At least the journey has made me more prepared and more capable to handle the position I am currently in. There are blessings to be found even in the darkest nights and the most unexpected situations.
Sorry that you hit your 2 year mark sweetie, it is something that no one should ever have to face. But I am glad to hear from you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
ReplyDeleteHi Trisha, seems like a lot of us got quiet through the holidays. Just too busy in general, I guess. I hope 2013 is infinitely kinder to you than last year!
DeleteYou, Trisha, and I have always had that link- we all started trying at the same time. In the span of 1 month, we're all sitting at our 2 year mark. Different paths, different circumstances, same outcome. I pray for much peace in 2013- for all of us.
ReplyDeleteNice to hear from you. I've missed you.
I'm sorry I have been so infrequent with my posts. Taking a step back can be so relieving though, you know? I need to call and schedule a huddle with my RE, but I'm procrastinating because I know as soon as I do that I'll start to get emotionally ramped up all over again.
DeleteI'm so glad you found a therapist that you click with and who is actually helping you deal with day to day life while you heal from all the trauma. Becoming an infertility therapist is an avenue I am strongly considering pursuing if I do end up "child-free".
Glad to see an update, but sorry that 2012 was so tough. Hoping 2013 is a much better year for you!
ReplyDeleteYes, my little blog has been sorely under-utilized for the past two months. I have high hopes for 2013 if for no other reason than I am in a much better mental state to handle whatever the year throws my way!
DeleteSo sorry that 2012 was so hard. Praying that 2013 brings you the desires of your heart.
ReplyDeleteWe too have passed our 2 year mark. But we opted to take the adoption (through the state of Alabama) route first... Ha, what a joke. We just went to see a fertility specialist this past week. She put me on a 1200 cal/day diet, confirmed that I did not have PCOS, but some insulin resistance. I sucks so bad thinking "this is way I should go, it will happen quickly". I'm just a little bitter with the whole "foster/adopt" system.
ReplyDeleteSo here is to us, that 2013 will be Our year!