Happy 2013, everyone! Let's hope this year is better than 2012. 2012 was a real bitch for me. It ended on a high note, but the first 6 months were so brutal I will forever associate the year with bad memories.
In other news, it is my 2 year TTC anniversary. Two years ago I tossed out the birth control and prepared myself for battle. Unlike a lot of women who struggle with infertility, I knew it was coming. However, I had no way of knowing just how bad it would be or how long it would take. I remained naively optimistic that I just needed a low dose of clomid and we'd have our first pregnancy in maybe 6 months at the worst. Ha! At the worst indeed... Poor, sweet, simple two-years-ago Me. I have grown a lot as a person since then. I hope I have become more emotionally mature as well as compassionate and empathetic. I think I have learned to stop trying to control the things in my life that I cannot and to keep trying to enjoy life day by day instead of staring longingly into the unknown future.
I used to assume that I would be on the "winning" side of statistics in this battle. That eventually, given enough hard work and faith, I would have a family. I think I know now that any assumption is a bad idea. I am very close to being on the "losing" side of the statistics. How many IFers actually end up accepting a child-free life? Accepting...that doesn't sound like the right word. Resigning? Choosing to move forward with what fate has thrust upon them? Maybe there isn't a verb in the English language that properly captures it.
Whatever the right word or phrase is, it won't be long before I may be living it myself. Three IUIs. That's what 2013 has in store for me. After that, I'm going back on the BC and spironolactone to try to stop hating most aspects of my body. Then I'm taking a break to focus on EVERYTHING ELSE in my life until I'm like 30. At which point I will start researching adoption and prayerfully considering if that is an avenue we want to pursue or if we will just live child-free.
Two years ago I *never* thought I would be faced with these decisions. At least the journey has made me more prepared and more capable to handle the position I am currently in. There are blessings to be found even in the darkest nights and the most unexpected situations.