May 11, 2013


Its been a long, long month. A lifetime has passed in a few weeks. I wish I could crack a joke, lighten the mood of this sad blog, but I can't. Not that I don't find humor in the situation, but its the kind of cruel, laugh at how fucked up your life is humor. It doesn't usually make sense to other people.

There are no guarantees in life and I think a lot of mental and emotional pain springs from our believing the lie that marketing and advertizing present to us: You can and should have it all - happy life, kids, nice belongings, good job with plenty of free time for friends and family, picture perfect vacations. Lies lies lies. And we don't even realize we have bought into this crap until something unexpected happens. Infertility. Sudden physical disability. Nothing is a guarantee.

But life goes on. Not the way you wanted it to go, but it does go on. And you learn to be fine, to accept the hand you have been dealt, and to pull the wool off your own eyes. There is no perfect life. No one has everything.

My mom is home, which is a triumph in itself. It s still a very big struggle though. Learning to live life in a different way. Problem solving by thinking outside the box. And praying every day that she will walk again. There is truthfully no room left in my brain for thinking about TTC. I don't miss it or worry about it, not even a little.

Eventually things will settle down. We will find our new normal and stop living in crisis mode day after day. At that point, I'm willing to start thinking about the future. Adoption doesn't seem so scary after the month I've had. But I know that I have to complete two more IUI cycles before I can lay to rest the idea of a biological child. If my mother can continue to be thankful and happy in life despite her injury, then I can bear my cross too. 

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