New Year, Same Old Wish...

I've been mildly depressed ever since finding out that KA is having a girl. It is so painful being infertile in a fertile world. I took my clomid as prescribed. I've been keeping up with my metformin everyday. All I have to show for it is the worst hot-flashes yet and very poor sleep. I'm tired of hoping. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of claiming I'm "TTC" when really there is no chance of me getting pregnant. In 12 months I ovulated twice. And both times I had given up, so the timing of sex was such that pregnancy was almost flat out hopeless. When I don't try, I ovulate. When I try, I find out there was no reason to try. I'm frustrated and so very tired. My sister only needed 50mg of clomid when she got pregnant with my nephew. I'm already on 150mg and getting the feeling that even that isn't enough. How long, oh Lord, how long? How much heartache and time and money will the simple act of bringing another human being into this world take? An everyday miracle that seems as easy as breathing to most people, but impossible for the infertile.

I'm so tired of hating my body. I've hated it for one reason or another for most of my life. I hate suffering through the excess hair, acne, and weight AND STILL NOT OVULATING. I would happily endure non-stop hot flashes, sleepless nights, breaking out like a teenager - ANYTHING - if I would just ovulate consistently.

That's how down trodden I am. I'm not asking or even *hoping* for pregnancy anymore. I'd just like to ovulate. I'd like to have roughly 12 cycles a year. I would like all the money, time, effort, and discomfort to pay off JUST A LITTLE BIT.

I'm going to keep trying this cycle. I'm going to throw everything I can at it because then I know for sure it will fail spectacularly. And then I can take a break. I can go back on BCP and spironolactone and work on regaining my lost self-esteem.

Perseverance

So I had my pity party for one and then hope refused to let me give up. There is always another cycle and Dr. P upped my dose to 150mg of clomid. A lot of the women on my PCOS forum say they think that me getting sick interfered with ovulation. It worked on 100mg once, so it definitely should work (at least the first time) with 150mg, right? So I will do *everything* right again. I will take my metformin every day. I will take my vitamins every day. I will use robitussin to get fertile CM. And I will make sure we do the deed several days leading up to O. Because if I don't do everything right, I will just kick myself for it later.

I have been posting inspirational quotes on my Facebook all week. It helps to remind myself that everyone has challenges in their life to overcome, not just me. And besides, I should being focusing on M right now. He isn't dealing well with unemployment, poor thing... But we will persevere through that as well.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

So after the miraculous and totally unexpected ovulation last cycle, I felt like we had finally made progress and found the silver bullet. I pulled out all the stops and did everything right this cycle - allowing myself to be hopeful, think positive, and dream about getting a BFP for Christmas.

Why do I even bother?

My progesterone test came back yesterday: 0.2

I was already feeling doubt before then, but that was after I made sure I had done everything right including taking my metformin every day, taking tussin for CM, drinking lots of water, and having sex exactly on schedule even when I was tired and sick!

How fun to learn that all that hard work was a complete waste of time because I had as much of a chance to get pregnant as a 10 year old. I'm so angry and frustrated. Fertility Friend refuses to take away my cross-hairs on my chart which makes me even madder. I'm giving it another day or two to see what my temps do, but I'm planning on starting progesterone pills on Sunday. No point waiting around forever to see if my body will eventually get with the program. The only thing I can figure is either a.) I'm clomid resistant, or b.) Getting sick right around ovulation time screwed everything up. And there's nothing I can do about either of those situations. I'm so tired of hating my body...