March 25, 2013

Standing at the End of the Road with Nothing in My Hands

This cycle failed so spectacularly. More than I was prepared for. I spotted so early. It was so obvious there was no room for even the tiniest hope. And I cried more over this failure than the last several put together. I couldn't tell you why.

I didn't think these last three cycles would be so painful. I thought I had perfected a certain level of emotional detachment. I can't seem to bury my hope and optimism deep enough, they still reach out to hurt me. I am so raw sometimes I wish I was on a deserted island. I want so badly to reach out, to my husband, to my friends, to my family. But what's the point? There are no words that make this better or bearable. I've never tried so hard at something I have sucked *so bad* at in my life.

And a part of me beats myself up for getting so upset over this. This is the *absence* of something - no one has hurt me, nothing has been done to me. Sorrow over something that has never existed is too abstract. There is real pain in the world, pain I will hopefully never know. I beat myself up for every useless tear. Being sad doesn't help anything and I should know better by now. M doesn't know what to do with me. He holds me and tells me he loves me, but he doesn't pretend to understand.

I don't think I'm afraid of living "child free". I'm afraid of living child free in a world that is very judgmental of that life. At a certain age "Are you married?" and "Do you have kids?" become some of the first questions asked upon meeting. And people make immediate assumptions when you say you don't have any kids. Some of those assumptions can be pretty mean. I can't control what other people think, I know that. And I shouldn't let it upset me because whatever they think, they are probably dead wrong. I know that too. But I didn't *choose* this life. It chose me. And that makes me very insecure. There's a big club that 80% of women in the world are a part of, and it is looking like I will be banned.

I honestly don't know if I can do this for another 2 cycles. I'm not stupid - nothing has worked up til now, there isn't any reason why it should the next time. There is no reason I know of why I shouldn't be pregnant, and yet I'm NOT. And my odds don't change based on how many cycles I do. It will always hover around 15%, more or less.  Its not like I'm getting all of my failures out of the way and there is definitely a BFP at the end of this road.

The end of the road...I thought the end was still in my future, but maybe it is my present. I just don't know if I have it in me to face more self-induced heart-ache. I want to live without this millstone around my heart, weighing down everything else in my life until all I can see is what I *don't* have. I don't know how some people manage to keep at this for years on end. Shouldn't I cut my losses and run while my soul is cracked in big enough pieces to still glue back together?

10 comments:

  1. Argh, crap, I'm sorry to hear this news... and it makes total sense that you're feeling worse, not better, as time goes on. But I don't think you have to consider yourself at the end of the road yet -- you just need to step off and find another road to follow. My thoughts are that round after round of Clomid is a) not working, and b) not good for you. Is there any possibility of doing IVF? Maybe looking into being part of a study, so you don't have to pay for it? Or at least getting a few more tests done?

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    1. I don't feel like I am medically or financially at the end of the road, but emotionally. I kind of figured my heart would give up long before my bank account or science. Its just a very hard thing to think about.

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  2. Hi! I'm sorry you are going trough this. I can identify with so many of the feelings that you described. Especially the emotional detachment every cycle to protect ourselves of the possible negative outcomes.

    I know what you mean about worrying about what other people think. It is a source of insecurity for me also, although I've come to care less and less about other people's opinions. It is our lives after all, and we are the ones living the every day struggles of infertility. Like you said we didn't choose this life, so we shouldn't feel ashamed(easier said than done, I know).

    Don't give up! I know the road may feel endless, but there is always hope.

    Do what you need to do to regroup. A big bowl of ice cream, maybe? A little shopping spree?

    Hope you feel a little bit better every day.

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    1. I'm trying to cobble myself back together and gather the strength to consider my options. I wish there was a big panel of people I could survey for their opinions, especially people who decided to stop treatments.

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  3. I'm so sorry. I hope that if or when you decide to take a different path, that the decision will bring you peace. Ultimately, though, I hope that new path is pregnancy.

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    1. I suppose there is still hope - one or two more IUI's, roughly 18% chance of success each time. But coming out of this fog of depression, I feel really good knowing that there is a life worth living that does not involve children. Once again, the blogging world has offered me advice, support, and assurance that everything will be okay no matter what.

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  4. I'm so sorry... Thinking of you.

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    1. Thank you, it really does help knowing there are people out there who truly understand my words and my pain and care enough to reach out.

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  5. I just experienced my first failed IVF. Im in such a bad place right now. I hope ur dream to have a child happens for u and soon.

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    1. :-( I'm so sorry to hear that. I can't imagine how much stronger the emotions are when you know statistics were on your side. Thank you for your kind words - I wish we *all* could have the children we dream of.

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