July 19, 2013

Everyone is Pregnant Except You

The statistics are on your side that if you seek medical intervention, and you only have one or two factors against you, as an infertile you will get pregnant. Might not end up with a take home baby, but you will get pregnant at least once.

I have never been pregnant. I have never had the faintest shadow of a second line. I have stared so closely and intensely at a pee stick that I could see the indentation, the chemical imprint where the reaction that creates the second line is. And that is the only thing I've ever seen.

I hate being jealous of fellow infertiles. I HATE it. I feel like slime. Less than slime. Worse than slime! They deserve their BFP - they went through hell, too! Its not like with the Fertiles of the world where you roll your eyes and take a few minutes to bitch about how they have no idea what it is like to TRY for a baby.

Instead, my stomach clenches tight. My heart pounds. A voice in my head says "Not another one...not again..." Which I quickly have to stomp out and replace with "Well, good for her, I'm very happy".

No you're not. You're jealous. You're angry. You're sad. Just plain old fucking sad. Because *another* blogger is pregnant. Eventually, they all get pregnant. I have followed over 20 blogs (I know that's not actually a lot) and everyone got pregnant except 3.

It sucks so much to be a part of the infertile of the world. It sucks even more to be part of the much smaller sub-group that never gets pregnant.

Now excuse me while I go self-flagellate to atone for my horrible, evil, rotten jealousy.


  1. I think to some extent, watching infertiles get pregnant may be harder for some. It is human nature to not want to be left behind, especially with something of this gravity. After forging these relationships and becoming friends and bonding over something so intense, I feel it's harder to deal with when they get pregnant. And then the guilt you feel because you think, why am I not ecstatic for them, why am I still jealous, etc just makes it worse. I wasn't blogging at the time, just following, but I used to have TERRIBLE, awful reactions to infertiles getting pregnant. It was exacerbated by infertiles who were insensitive about how they continued to share their pregnancies with the infertile community. Some became smug and did things they swore they wouldn't, like not giving a disclaimer when bump and ultrasound pics were shown. And no, they "shouldn't" have to do that but in this community, how could you forget the pain so quickly? I also felt that with every success, there was less of a chance that I would succeed. Sounds silly I know, but it was what I felt. Your response is not abnormal, it doesn't make you a horrible person. Whether others admit it or not, or maybe some just aren't in tune with themselves, watching infertiles get pregnant can be a bitter pill to swallow. They get the prize and they are "leaving the group" and may forget the struggle while you are stuck in it. Bittersweet is an understatement. Thank you for sharing your feelings.

  2. This sounds a lot like me! I can't tell you how many times I would stare at the stick, willing it to show that second line!

    I think it's impossible not to feel jealous each time someone makes the announcement. Part of you is happy for them, but a larger part of you feels a large lump in your throat when you realize you've been left behind yet one more time. After all the jealous fades away, you are left with the cold, hard reality of sadness--the most powerful punch of all.

    I don't think anyone judges you for how you feel because I know everyone, even those that are super-cheery and all smiles all the time, have felt the same way. Even if they continue to say, "I am so happy for all the BFP's in the community--it's awesome"--you know that deep down, they feel empty. So rest assured--you're not alone in your feelings and you are perfectly entitled to acknowledge them, validate them, and if you want, wallow in in them.

  3. I wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. I remember getting psyched about being cycle buddies with fellow bloggers only to get cancelled again. We've all been there: jealous, angry, sad. Please remember that you're not alone. there are people out there thinking of you, praying for you, and cheering you on.