Random Thoughts During the 2WW

I test in six days. Looking at the short end of the 2WW isn't easy. I've had some promising symptoms, for example: Thursday and Friday last week it felt like there were knives in my boobs that were attempting to *stab* their way out. Never felt that before. And that was in addition to my tender nipples (which is common for me during the 2ww).

But no matter what, I have to keep telling myself that this didn't work. Because that passive hope I mentioned before? Its taken hold of the back of my mind.

I keep dreaming about babies. I dreamed my sister gave birth and it was a girl. I was holding it and I was so happy! I can only hope that it was a premonition of a time to come. Then last night I dreamed I had a baby (not sure if it was mine or I was babysitting or something), again, a girl - I was sitting up in bed holding it and trying to take its temperature.

Which reminds me: my temperature has been the same 3 days in a row, I wonder if the battery is wearing out in my thermometer...

I was sitting in church this morning and my mind started to wander. I began thinking to myself, "I wish I could stay like this forever. Vaguely hopeful that I am pregnant, with absolutely no proof to the contrary." It will all come crashing down on Easter weekend ::sigh:: Oh well. There's always next cycle.

Winning the Lottery

So unless you live under a rock (or out of the United States, I guess), you've probably heard about the mega-million multi-state lottery. And the fact that the jackpot has swelled to over a half a billion dollars. I have never bought a lottery ticket in my life, but even I contributed $5 to the office lottery pool today. We bought 50 tickets between 10 people, which increases our odds of winning from infinitesimal to incredibly improbable, heh.

But all this talk of lotteries and odds got me thinking. The odds that I will win the lottery is as good as the odds of me getting struck by lightning. But I'm really not that interested in winning the mega-millions lottery. I'd much rather win the "my-sister-gives-birth-to-a-live-baby" lottery. Or the "my-husband-has-to-get-a-decent-paying-job-eventually-right??" lottery. Or how about the "I-get-lucky-and-beat-PCOS-by-getting-pregnant-this-month" lottery. Now *there's* a lottery I'm dying to win! I wish I knew the odds on those events happening. And I wish I could increase my odds as easily as pooling some money with my co-workers...

Unicorns and Double Rainbows...

...are just about as rare as me getting crosshairs on Fertility Friend. Maybe I should go buy a lottery ticket today.

For only the third time in 15 months, I got crosshairs on my chart. Well whaddaya know? That makes me feel a little better about all of this although I still won't believe it until I get my blood results. FF pegged the O date as Sunday, but I'm fairly positive it would have been Saturday. I have a 16 day luteal phase and I'll be testing on technically 13DPO. I would wait and test Saturday or Sunday, buuuut.....well I don't have a good reason other than I am a terribly impatient person!

Money issues have been front and center this week. A confluence of events created a pitiful bank account balance until next payday. Doesn't help that I get the feeling our cellphone company is bleeding us dry with "taxes and fees". Utter bullshit. If we didn't have to worry about treatments, things would be more secure. After all, we've squirreled away a significant sum in our savings account. But its earmarked. All of our savings accounts are earmarked for something. And M has probably applied for upwards of 50 jobs, but no dice. We're coming up on 6 months now, it can't be much longer, right? I'm praying for too many miracles these days...

Feel the Burn!

If only my instructor was like Hans und Franz...

Did I mention in my last post that I'm taking a weight training class? Let me explain:

I work for a university and as such I can take classes for free - including from the Health and Physical Recreation department (in other words, gym classes!). So a co-worker and I signed up for weight training for women which is two days a week for the next 10 weeks. Today was our first day and Janie, our instructor, is going to *Pump* us up!

This is going to be so good for me because I really need the external motivation to do my best. If I try really hard I can get myself to the gym every now and then, or take a zumba class in town, but the fact that there is mandatory attendance (and I paid a $10 supplies fee) means that I will not flake out on my workout. And I *love* that this is a class only for women! No big sweaty men strutting from machine to machine, bench pressing my entire body weight and generally making me feel stupid and weak. I think there's one or two female athletes in my class, but for the most part, everyone there seemed as clueless as me - yay!!

I was a little nervous about starting this class during my 2ww, but I decided to throw caution to the wind and act like I don't even know. Anyway, I'm such a weakling, I didn't lift anything heavier than 20 lb. (except in the leg exercises, my legs are hella strong!). And I need this! I make way too many excuses for why I can't work out: zumba leaves me manic for the rest of the night and I can't sleep, sweating ruins my precious curly hair (and I'm on the Curly Girl method - have I blogged about that yet? If not, I totally will), I think I may have ovulated and I don't want to accidentally kill a little embryo. Bull shit, bull shit, bull shit.

Clearly this whole getting pregnant thing is not happening, so why do I bend my life around the assumption it will? That only leads to heartache, as many of you know, I'm sure. This class will be good for me, good for my whole body. And it can only improve my chances of getting pregnant. And the pain in my muscles is an *excellent* distraction from any symptoms I'm having, real or imaginary. Thank heaven for tuition remission!

Distractions

When I told Fertility Friend that I had taken an HCG shot, it advised that I manually override ovulation and put in my own date. I haven't done it yet. I can't - not until I get my progesterone results proving I did in fact ovulate. Yes, I'm that neurotically concerned that I didn't. I don't have any real reason to assume I didn't (other than being burned in the past), but even the symptoms that I am feeling now can't be trusted because they could just be the trigger shot. My EWCM went away, my boobs are sore, and the nausea has continued off and on (though not nearly as bad as Thursday). All of these things could be from the trigger, so I really don't know anything for sure. I just don't want to assume ovulation, get back negative results, and then that little line on my chart will sit there mocking me. I go for blood work on Friday, but of course I won't know the results until Monday - a whole week of waiting yet.

I've got several options for distractions: The two hour Mad Men premiere was fabulous and there will be plenty of blogs dissecting every word and glance. Plus a new episode next Sunday that can hopefully get me through to Friday (as long as I actually have reason to POAS). There's plenty of work to do at work (if I can tear myself away from all your blogs!) and church on Wednesday. Plus I'll have my nephew for lunch on Friday while my sister is at another u/s. Thank goodness next week is Holy week. Tons of church stuff to occupy my time *and* M's birthday. ::sigh:: All this still leaves far too many hours to think too much. I should really start another crochet project...maybe that would help.

My mom asked when I will test and when I told her Firday the 6th she said, "Oh that will make for a wonderful Easter!" She actually said that with glee, not sarcasm. Like she's expecting it will be positive. I could only shake my head. I don't have it in me to think like that, I just don't. I already looked at the calendar and counted out the days for the next cycle - when I'll take meds, when I might trigger, etc. I know it sounds terribly pessimistic, but these things keep me grounded. If I get good news from my first blood check, then I'll let myself have a tiny bit of hope and excitement. All I've wanted for the past year and 3 months was to ovulate predictably. And so far I have failed miserably at it. I guess we'll see...

Not So Fertility Free Friday

I know a lot of people do the themed Friday posts (as well as Thankful Thursday). And I actually have non-fertility stuff to talk about for once! But I also still have plenty of IF stuff, so its not a true Fertility-Free Friday here.

First, my IUI went great!! M's washed sample was almost double the average for our clinic :-D If this cycle doesn't get us pregnant (or God forbid, I don't ovulate), then I will feel comfortable doing Timed Intercourse for any subsequent cycles. That is a big relief to our wallets. I hope those millions of little swimmers appreciate that I just spent over $300 to give them the best possible chance! I did start temping again as of yesterday, so I hope I can see a clear temp rise in a few days. They are also having me go in for a progesterone check next Friday to confirm ovulation and then I have orders for a blood pregnancy test for April 6th if I want to use it. I had initially told the nurse it wasn't necessary (because I have to assume this isn't going to work, so why waste the blood?), but she reminded me it will be a Friday and if I get a positive home test, but don't already have the order for a blood test, I may have to wait all weekend. Thank goodness she talked me into it. Just in case...

My IUI appointment lined up pretty close with J's u/s appointment, so she and her husband were in the waiting room when we walked out. M and I waited for their appointment to be over so we could all leave together. I quickly became a nervous wreck after J was called back. Her husband is good about texting my mom and I with the u/s info and it took *so long* to hear from him I became convinced it was bad news. Instead, we got video of the little nubbin wiggling around!! So J came out finally and we hugged and cried and breathed another sigh of relief. I'm so glad we are seeing the same doctor. And I hate that we both have to go through IF, but at least we have each other.

I refuse to look up prospective due dates. I refuse to google what our odds of conception might be, given M's sample. And I know better than to symptom spot. I am going to try my damnedest to pretend that nothing is different at all. Its 2 weeks, 14 short little days - I can wait.

And while I wait, I can obsess over something else entirely because...

                                                               MAD MEN IS BACK ON SUNDAY!!!!!!

Oh how I have missed this show! It has helped that Downton Abbey came about and was an excellent distraction, but I need my Don Draper fix!! And Peggy! And Joan - Oh how I've missed Joan! So for 2 hours Sunday night, I know for certain I won't be thinking about my ovaries or uterus. My mind will be solely consumed with the gossip and intrigue at Sterling Cooper Draper Price ;-)

Major Duh

So I woke up this morning feeling like my blood sugar had plummeted through the floor. Nibbled a Larabar as I got ready for the day, but continued to feel queesy and light-headed. At work it got worse. I knew I needed to eat in order to feel better, but the thought of eating...ugh. It went away long enough for me to get some food down, but returned within a few hours.

Do you know it took me a while to realize that nausea would clearly be a side effect of an HCG shot? Serious DUH on my part. I did not plan for this at all, so now I'm at work with nothing appetizing available, sipping on ginger ale and trying not to throw up. So not cool.

But its worth it. I have the best chance I've had in a *long* time of getting pregnant. Its worth it.